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tired and confused 02-10-2002 12:49 PM

new to list
 
I know this must get old, but I just found this list today and I need to vent desperately. I've been married to my alcholic husband for three years now. He has gone up and down in the degree of how much he drinks. It has been as good as drinking only a few days a week to as bad as being arrested for driving under the influence and being so drunk he's held a gun in his mouth wanting to kill himself. He has just recently completed the "punishment" of his second arrest for drinking and driving. After 18 months of not having a license and having to visit a probation officer, I thought he would learn something. I think all he learned was that he had a designated driver, and that was great. Ever since he got his license back, it has been a struggle every time he wants to leave the house. He never comes straight home after work so he can stop someplace and have "a" drink. He recently decided to go back to college. We talked about it and discussed that fact that he can't drink and expect to do well in school. He enrolled in an adult education classt to help get himself back on track for education. All good. At least it was until last week. He told me he wanted to go play darts with the guys after school. I was nervous, but decided I had to let him start earning my trust back. When the phone rang that night, I expected it to be him, teling me he was done with class and on his way to the bar. Instead, it was his teacher, wondering if everything was ok since he never showed up for class. He called about an hour later to tell me was coming home soon, he had only had 2 beers since he had gotten out of school. I told him the teacher had called and I knew he was lying. He got angry with me, saying I was mad because I couldn't control him. He got a ride home, thank goodness he didn't drive, but we didn't speak to each other for almost four days. When we have spoken to each other, it's been angry words and tears. I've said divorce and says that's not what he wants because he loves me. I don't know what I really want, except I know I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I hate being worried everytime he leaves the house. I feel like I'm the one going crazy, doubting myself, not him. I don't know what to do next.

ShellyH 02-10-2002 02:57 PM

Tired....-

I am sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but I have been there too, and I wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. I wish there were more that I could offer.

ShellyH

blufan60 02-10-2002 05:05 PM

Hi Tired & Confused,

I have had a really hard time accepting the fact that my begging, threatening, intimidating, etc. the addict in my life is not ultimately going to change him. It may scare him for awhile or make him angry back, but it has never changed him (that is, made him stop). The silent treatment, too, has not worked. So what I've been trying to do lately is focus on ME. After all, I have no control over him, only over myself. Keeping tabs on the addict is not our responsibility, it can only make us crazy with worry. I used to worry a lot, and I still have my moments, but I'm able to let it go more than I ever could before. I just finally came to the conclusion that my worrying didn't change things, didn't change him, all it did was hurt me by making me bitter, nervous, and angry. I guess this is called "letting go." I can waste all my energy focusing on the addict or I can use that energy for myself, to better myself, to do things for myself. I can decide what is acceptable in my life, what I can live with, what I cannot, and then take steps to create the reality that I want. Alanon meetings are so helpful. Reading the messages on these boards (Naranon, too) have been a godsend for me. Little by little, I have become more clear in my thinking and more calm in my reactions to my addict. Even if you don't think it's going to work, just give it a try...starting focusing on yourself, start working the Alanon program. You might be pleasantly surprised!

"Fear looks down, worry looks around, faith looks up."

smoke gets in my eyes 02-10-2002 07:31 PM

HI Tired and Confused...
Welcome to the recovery forum! It never gets old... we want to hear ALL about it. This board was here when we needed it and we want to be there for you.
I certainly understand your frustration. The A in my life just went back to school. Within a month he has divested himself of his grant and loan money for two. (Plus some.) He now has no money for food, and says he needs school supplies or he will fail classes. I've decided, if that's true... he can just fail. He should have bought school supplies before the "other" kind. It's very hard to put the focus on yourself in such a situation, when you want so much for them to succeed. But we can't be responsible for the actions of another adult.
I think HP sent you to the page today for ME, as well as for you. I so needed to read your post and think about your situation in relation to my own. You helped me get my perspective back. And THAT, new friend, is why you should never hold back here when you have something to say or vent. You help yourself, and you may also help someone else. Like me. Thank you.

Keep posting!
Smoke

Caitlyn 02-10-2002 08:27 PM

Dear tired and confused

That is what A's do.. manipulate you, make you think YOU'RE crazy and controlling when it is really THEIR problem.. I was EXACTLY like you when I found this site and discovered there were so many ppl out there going thru exactly what I was going thru.. you are NOT crazy.

You fell in love with and married an addict. You love the sober beautiful person they are and hate the crazy uncontrollable person they become when they drink. You try to stop them drinking because you want that beautiful wonderful person back. You try so hard you think you're going insane. Believe me you are not. You simply need to realise that NO-ONE causes an A to drink. It is their disease. You are not at fault. It is not because you didn't try hard enough to help them or to stop them. No one can make them stop except themselves. Focus on letting go and taking care of yourself.

Hope this help. Keep posting. We have all been there/are going thru what you are.

Take care of you!

Caitlyn

tired and confused 02-11-2002 05:40 AM

Thanks for the responses. It DOES help to know that I'm not alone. I have a friend who recently married her A after 26 years of dating. After just one year of marriage, he was recently diagnosed with lung cancer (along with drinking, he was also a chain smoker). The cancer has spread to his liver and his brain and he is considered a terminal patient. I tell my husband to try to learn from him- it has taken dying to finally reach him that he can't smoke and drink. My A says he could die anyday and drinking wont change that. He doesn't consider himself an alcoholic, he says he just likes the taste. And he is a functioning A - he goes to work and helps support us. I know it's a family thing - his whole family have substance abuse issues and many of them go much deeper than alcohol. I try to show him that when he is in situations such as going to a bar, the people he is surrounded by are not married (most don't have anyone in their lives) and they are people who aren't heading in the direction that we supposedly both want to go in - owning our own home, having children, doing well financially. He still doesn't see the correlation. How will he ever see it without things becoming horribly worse before they get better? How can I just let go of my worry and my "control" when if I do, he could ruin my future too?

smoke gets in my eyes 02-11-2002 06:46 AM

Hi again T&C,

"How can I just let go of my worry and my "control" when if I do, he could ruin my future too?"

Is your worry and control stopping him from what he is doing? Doesn't sound like it. It's just making you frantic.

Step one... we admitted that we were powerless over the alcoholic, that our lives had become unmanageable.

It's not wrong to let your feelings be known, but you've done that, right? He knows you don't like him drinking and he knows you're concerned about his health and your future. Repeating yourself is usually beating your head against a brick wall. Try to get your focus off of him and onto YOU.

Smoke

CherylG 02-11-2002 07:17 AM

Been away from the boards for a few days, but just have to respond to this. I have fought alcoholism (my spouse"s) for quite a few years. I have followed him to bars, called to bars, all the psycho broad behaviors. All to no good. Forced him into treatment once, once he went by himself to try to save his job. Nothing worked. Finally divorced him this last year. I never brought up the D word until I was prepared to back it up. Now he is living with his sister and I am working on me. Funny how now he sees things from the outside and wants to come back in and share with me and the kids, but I'm not going to. The stronger I get each and everyday away from the insanity the more I say to hell with that behavior. We could have had a VERY nice life together, but he chose not to seek help and stick with it. He would give it a few weeks and when he didn't see any BIG STUPENDOUS change in life he went right back to using. I am now taking baby steps everyday and I am going to be GREAT. If we do eventually make it back to each other so be it. I am not looking for a relationship right now as I am not able to relate to another yet, but I have found the Let Go and Let God step is REALLY working for me. Tomorrow will come tomorrow but today I am great! Hope you put your faith in an HP and know He/She is with you as all of us on the boards are. Please keep posting YOUR story.

Becky 02-13-2002 05:04 PM

The A in my life, always wants to put the problem on me. I have started focusing on me and that is helping with the detachment that is necessary to keep your sanity. I have really looked at some of the things I have done to keep him from drinking and its really sad and funny at the same time, I have tried all kinds of things to keep him sober. Sometimes you look back and you know that you must of been insane to try so hard to keep someone else sober. We can only fix ourselves, never can we change them.

Thanks for letting me share.


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