smama24

I am brand new to this and was hoping to get input from anyone who is currently living with a partner/spouse who is in early recovery. I have heard so many stories about leaving the alcoholic, but what about staying? What are your experiences? I am feeling very discouraged. My daughters father (in the past 2 years we have been together) has been in detox twice, out of town sober living, 30 day in patient rehab and now currently in town sober living. He had been in there 2 weeks and began drinking and returning to the house, then "left" the house, now he is going back for his first night back to the sober house. I feel like I have stuck around because of his desire to be clean and sober, we also have an 8 month old daughter. I get so frustrated with his continuous relapses and find myself so angry with him. I know my anger doesn't help the situation! So any stories of how you have been able to make it work with your partner who is newly in recovery would be helpful for me!

Ktsmiau

Hi, actually I am an alcoholic and my husband is not. The only suggestion I would have is find a local Al Anon meetings, this way you will have support from others experiencing what you are.

Mango blast

Welcome to SR. Please stick around and keep posting. The stickies at the top of this forum have a lot of good info.

I've been married 27 years. What's been working for me is seriously working at my own recovery, whether he's drinking or not, and within that I'm changing and learning. My husband went to rehab last winter and is at another rehab center now. With each of his relapses in between, we each learned more. We just finished a 3 day family week yesterday that had even more information, and this time our older kids were there. What a difference to have other support than just myself. Alanon, therapy with someone who understands addictions, etc. Check youtube for Father Joseph Martin for some good info. Besides AA/Alanon books, Hazeldon has good books and videos.

What have you been doing so far for your recovery? Wishing you all the best.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

lillamy

Hi & welcome --

I have no experience of living with a partner in early recovery. What I've heard -- in a previous life, I had several coworkers who were alcoholics -- is that the first year is pretty hellish for addicts, learning to live with the harshness of their emotions (and the awareness of what they've done while drinking) without resorting to dulling their emotions with booze.

I agree that Al-Anon is a fantastic place to learn how to live a rich life, whether or not the alcoholic in your life is sober. And whether you stay or leave.

And I have to tell you also that there are quite a few people here who have been through what you're living every day right now.

smama24

Shortly before his leave from rehab in January I began therapy, which was much needed regardless of my issues with him. I've been going a few times a month since. I also tried a beginners al anon meeting around then but l left a little confused thinking "now what? What meetings do I go to? Can I go to any?" I also had been reading codependent no more, which I will start back up tomorrow.

I also find myself resenting the AA program, I have seen him disrespect it so many times in the past (not being honest, drinking within a day after a meeting, lying to his sponsor, etc), not to mention that I am uncomfortable with the females he has met through that program (totally inappropriate interaction between him and a few of the girls), and lastly I get frustrated when I feel like he thinks all he need is AA, his AA friends or I guess they call it "family" yet I have been the one who was always there for him. I feel bad for even saying I resent the program because at the same time I truly hope he succeeds this time around.

ladyscribbler

I found the beginner Alanon meeting in my area was not a good fit for me. It was at a rehab and lots of the people attending had someone at the rehab, which was not something I could relate to. They did give me a schedule with all the local meetings and the second meeting I attended became my home group. If there are a few in your area, try some others until you find one that "clicks" for you.

smama24

I plan on going to meetings soon (hard to find time with an 8 month old and working) I also bought 2 more al anon related books.

I just feel like I haven't heard anyone who has been able to stay with their recovering spouse so new into recovery maybe I'll find someone in alanon?

ladyscribbler

Several ladies in my group have been with recovering spouses for many years, both working recovery. I know they have said the first year or so is the hardest, even worse than the drinking times. But they persevered and are happy. Congrats on the baby. Hang on to that precious time with your little one. Mine are 5 and 12. Hugs to you and your family. Best wishes in your recovery.

Stung

Hi and welcome!

Early recovery is a bumpy road, as it sounds like you're already well acquainted with how bumpy it can be. My husband has been in early recovery since December, with a relapse in January and again in May. We have two small children (10 months and 2.5 years) and have been separated since December. The things that have worked well for me:

• Being physically separated from my husband
• Good therapy/counseling with someone who specializes in addiction
• SoberRecovery.com
• Setting boundaries and sticking to them (especially as it pertains to communication)
• Having fun and personal enrichment - surfing, running, starting my own business and learning a new language

What I'm slowly learning is that I need to full on have a life that is completely independent of my husband because he can be amazing and healthy and just wonderful for an entire weekend after months of sobriety and the very next day he can relapse and his whole world can come crashing down. I cannot afford to allow my life to come crashing down with his anymore and the more independent I make myself the better I'm safeguarded against that happening. Being separated is a huge factor in that though. I think I'd be at my husband's throat if I had to live with him right now.

allforcnm

My husbands addiction was to pills not alcohol but still very similar I think. Our son was about 8 months old when his dad came home from rehab. He didn't use a sober house, or AA.. but he did work with an addiction doctor for ongoing therapy. There were ups and downs during the first few months but fortunately my husband didn't relapse. Of course you don't know what will happen in the beginning. What helped me was working with my own therapist, doing marriage counseling with my husband (we started when he was in rehab at about 6 weeks time and continued for most of that first year). I tried alanon when he was in active addiction, but it just didn't appeal to me. Later my therapist suggested I try the Craft approach for family. (community reinforcement and family training) and so I did this... its multi pronged approach where you focus on your own health and sanity, but it also focuses on developing healthy communication with your partner, motivational support... you can google it if you've never heard of it and have an interest.

I tried to keep myself focused on the goals I already had in place; taking care of my son, focusing on my own career, spending time with my husband, other family and friends. I think overall what's important is just being well balanced in life.

redatlanta

My husband relapsed about 2 years ago after 10 years sober. The relapse was short just a couple of months. I started going to Al Anon about a month after he relapsed. I set a boundary that I would not live with him drinking. He quit and started working his recovery again.

Our marriage will not survive another relapse. I WILL NOT do it again. No Can do.

involved

The extent to which an A recovers is determind only by the amount of "willingness and honesty" the A puts into his recovery...there are no guarantees. He may quit drinking but remain a dry drunk, narcissistic, abusive, aho/3...or he could do what it takes and gain the true spiritual awakening they promise. Its completely up to him. They say the "program"never failed anyone who was willing to do the hard work...but we can fail the program. How do you want to spend the next 20 years of your life? Only you can answer that. Good luck.

smama24

Thanks for all the responses so far...
Another question: What has anyone done when their spouse relapses and comes home? This happened while he was at the sober house and I fear it could happen again now that he is back living there. He will NOT listen to me asking him to leave the house (his excuse, "I pay rent here too"), I don't feel it is appropriate for me to call someone at his sober living house to tell them, and I just feel that all of my approaches would be coming out of anger yet doing nothing seems to me like I am enabling. Since he is back in the sober house I am crossing my fingers that he does NOT relapse again. But was wondering what anyone else has done if they had a similar situation.

CodeJob

Hi SMama,

I have posted here and written some about life with RAH this past year. It is very difficult. I wanted him in a sober living place but be refused. We have a lot of unresolved issues. He is nearing 14 mo sober.

Regards,

schnappi99

There are a few members of my alanon group dealing with spouses who relapse or are still drinking. One has divorced others are still working. Handling their own fear anger and frustration is difficult and they are really working their programs hard. I frequently wonder how I would handle it if my wife relapsed- we're about 4 months in now (I count my own recovery starting from the same date as hers, when the crisis finally came).

For my part finding an alanon group that I liked (tried 4 or so and liked this one best) was like a breath of fresh air once I started working the program. Didn't make our challenges go away but there is hope and a path forward where before there was none. For sure anger/resentment/frustration are poison, but shedding them while the alcoholic spouse is wreaking havoc has got to be tough.

I read a funny quote about AA from a sponsor to a sponsee; "You don't have to like it. You don't have to think its a good idea. You just have to do it." Considering the impact the program has had on me personally over the last few months I'm following that sponsor's line. Which is not to say its the only way that works- please do find whatever method of recovery works for you- don't try to tough it out yourself.

dandylion

smamma24---an important point to remember---when you draw a boundary--it is up to you to enforce it. You cannot expect that the other person is going to like your boundary or agree with it. You will seldom get his blessing. You are more likely to get resistance.

Still--it is up to you to enforce it. For example, if you say that you are not going to live with someone who is actively drinking---it is up to you to bring that about. If he won't leave--you may have to leave.
****NEVER make a boundary that you won't or can't enforce. Otherwise, it just amounts to hollow words.

There is a saying in AA--"Say what you mean; mean what you say; but, don't say it mean".

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, a tough situation to be in. What saved my sanity, get my priorities straight and make good decisions was Alanon. A good place to start is the "stickey's" located above the postings. Keep reading posts and responses. God bless!

silkspin

I'm still with my husband, and we have a 6 yr old daughter. Mine was more of a weekend warrior/ binger. He's had a few relapses - it's hard when the guys get together for poker or sports, and he cannot handle feelings of feeling left out or being questioned why he's not drinking. That's the toughest. If he goes out, he feels vulnerable to relapse, and doesn't want to do it because I have given boundaries for what I will accept in my house and my life. But then his alternative is to sit home and then feel alone and unsociable etc. He struggles, but not always. He is a smart and good provider, good job, plays sports. He wants to get better and understands that his desire for alcohol is not good for him, but hasn't conquered those feelings yet. He has been on again/ off again AA, now he goes regularly and I think it's finally starting to take hold.

It takes time, but mostly it takes their desire to change. Last fall, I was ready to leave because we were more like ships passing in the night. I went to Al Anon, I got better, I live my life, and he just wasn't moving out of the funk. After that, it seemed to rattle him.

For awhile we attended a couple's meeting, not sure if that's around where you are. People talked about their dynamics and working through all the issues. That helped to hear how other couples do it.

It can be done but I don't think it would have without my working hard in Al Anon, to help me get through his rough patches, especially when he was still actively drinking. I have a good sponsor too. I found the strength to continue investing but equally know I have the strength to leave if needed.

We still struggle but each of us are getting better. My daughter is no joke one of the happiest kids on the planet. She always has a smile on her face, and is a loving and wonderful little girl. I worked hard to make it that way and not let these problems touch her. I'm super grateful I sought help when she was a baby, otherwise her path could have been different. And this is something that will never change - even now, if she will ever be placed in jeopardy, my boundary still stands. Good luck to you.

Recovering2

The first couple of times my RABF went through treatment and relapsed were hell. I think the main reason was I wasn't in any type of recovery for myself. So I didn't set boundaries too well, didn't keep the ones I set, and stayed caught up in his disease. After the last relapse, I got a great counselor and started attending AlAnon. I learned how to set and hold boundaries, I learned how to detach, I learned how to focus on my own health. I also made plans to move out. He had been attending AA like your BF, but never actually worked the Steps. He didn't feel it was really for him, he always had his own plan. Always an excuse.

He went into an inpatient, out of state program. When he was there, I got to sit with him and verbalize my boundaries moving forward. He is now 18 months sober, and works a strong recovery. He tells me that committing to it, and doing the Steps with his sponsor, made the difference. I pray it continues, but I stay out of it at the same time. He knows that I have survived my last relapse.

You can't do anything about his attempts at recovery. But you can take care of you and your child. Set firm boundaries...but only if you can keep them. You don't have to let him back in when he's supposed to be in treatment. Maybe he pays rent, but you're managing everything (including caring for a child) when he's drinking and/or away in rehab...and you deserve better. If he won't leave, then you may have to leave. He will get the message that one of you is serious about this.

smama24

These last 2 posts really helped me out. Thanks to you both! I went to a great alanon speaker meeting 2 nights ago and will continue to go. Thanks for everyone's help... Advice is still appreciated!