FireSprite

Early Recovery is hard work for all parties. In a lot of ways, it was as hard (if not harder) than when RAH was drinking in those days before seeking sobriety. I use the word sobriety vs. recovery a lot of the time for my RAH because while I *do* feel like he is committed to staying sober, I think he is still failing to see how he isn't always Working His Recovery. I think there is a very, very big difference. My RAH walks the line between the 2 so closely that his commitment to sobriety really looks like recovery work in a lot of ways. Because of this minor yet significant difference he relapsed once, last fall after 2+ yrs of sobriety. And it wasn't the cravings for alcohol that brought on his fall from grace so much as it was the underlying untreated issues that "just stopping drinking" can't fix on it's own.

I do believe he is blind to the difference & would not welcome this insight... he would take it personally, as criticism that even his way of recovering isn't *good enough*. But really, it just hurts to watch him struggle when his intentions, his words & 3/4 of his actions show me differently. But there's that remaining 1/4 of action that remains a struggle & hopefully, for his own sake if nothing else, he figures it out.

In regards to this:

I have to say this is all about HIM & his approach to sobriety & not a thing to do with AA as a whole. The program actually encourages men to stick with men for sponsor/sponsee relationships specifically to help deter inappropriateness between members. My understanding is that they also promote absolute & rigorous honesty if a member hopes to achieve success. If he is choosing to cross those boundaries, that is HIS choice not something that AA is facilitating.

Boundaries are tough things. There's no right or wrong way to create them, they are absolutely personal in nature & specific to each situation. For instance, using this example:

If my boundary was that I absolutely refused to be around him after he drank & I knew I couldn't force him to leave the home, I would develop Plan B. For me that might mean keeping a bag packed in the trunk of my car for DD & I so that we could leave the home ourselves with short notice. Maybe I set up to stay with a friend or family member or in a hotel for the night until things blow over. The thing about boundaries is that knowing them ahead of time helps you put them into action when it's necessary without having to make that decision when you are already feeling emotional & reactive... and no one but you can decide what you are comfortable with in terms of boundaries. Like others have already pointed out, just make sure you are ready to stick to whatever you decide. These limits are also for you - nothing you have to verbalize to him so that he "knows" the consequences of his actions.... once you do that you've kind of crossed over into making ultimatums which is A Horse of A Different Color altogether.

Yes, I am still with RAH at almost 3 yrs into recovery efforts. No, it's not all sunshine & roses & perfection but it's better than it was on the whole. He still has a lot of growing to do IMO so I keep watching & adjusting as we go, trying to keep my expectations in line with the reality of what we are living & what I am willing to accept in life vs. what basing them around what I "hope" or "want". I can honestly say that his intentions are to fix the damage he's created (not so simple), repair the relationships in his life & embrace the things he needs to change about himself going forward. I may not always agree with his methods or feel sad when he struggles against obstacles but he has to walk his own path or it isn't HIS path.

Stick around, keep reading, keep asking questions. SR is an amazing resource of experiences from people living on all sides of this equation & has been invaluable to me in my own recovery efforts!

NYCDoglvr

So glad you went to Alanon, it's wonderful support. Don't know if this helps, but as a recovering alcoholic I can tell you the first year is pure hell and can be an emotional roller coaster. It takes a while to get comfortable being in your own skin, learning to navigate life without alcohol. In recovery we learn to grow up, become responsible adults. I'm not saying you should feel sorry for him or cater to him in any way but sometimes it helps to understand that recovery is a process.

ellaj

Hello smama, I too have a RAH and I understand the frustration only too well. In my opinion, your priority needs to be the well being of your children and the well being of yourself. You did not cause his drinking, you cannot control it and as much as you wish you could, you cannot will him to change. I have been with mine almost two decades, only the past year has sobriety been his priority. We have two beautiful children, one leaving for college the other still in high school. I have countless regrets for staying in a toxic situation and putting the kids through an agonizing childhood. I can only speak from my experience that now looking back I would have done things very differently. It is easy for me to say find your courage, lean on your family and friends for support and try not to stay in that situation because it will eat away at you and you will lose yourself. I wish I had listened to that advice. We were robbed of a husband and father. I don't wish that for you or your kids. But please don't wait as long as I did for him to change. It kills your spirit and the spirit of the kids to stay around it day after day. I know. Almost 20 years Later, I am unbelievably grateful that finally my husband took the steps to begin his recovery and had the strength to join AA sometimes at 3 or more meetings a day in the beginning. He lost his job and nearly lost us because I finally had enough, drew the line in the sand and meant it. No more. Yes, now we have him mentally present and are all attempting to reconnect and get to know him. This year has been its own form of torture but getting better. I have hope for him, and still have days where I wish I would have left. The question you must ask yourself is are you willing to stay and put your kids through the agony and possibility that he will not change? Or that it may get worse before it gets better? It's a choice only you can make. I truly wish you the best of luck. Please know that you have value and you are not alone.