Chelsea1029

So my AH has been out if the house almost 5 months. Overall I've been doing better. He continues to go to two meetings a week, no sponsor, no steps, no other treatment, and no medication for his depression and ADD. Claims he is not drinking but I do not believe this.
He came here tonight to see kids and I had to take my son to the doctor. I asked if he could bring daughter where she needed to go - he knows he must do breathalyzer first. He refused to, said "I'm not playing your game anymore." So I had to make other arrangements.

He started with his nonsense that all of his lies and drinking being in the past and I have unreasonable demands (breathalyzer to drive kids, not coming home without changes like actually doing AA program, taking care of health, etc...). He only gets to see the kids a few days a week. Then he was pushing my bedroom door open when I tried to close it and hold it to get away from him.
He said he was recording me when I called him pathetic and said "I needed that" and started laughing. I think he has the emotional maturity of a five year old.

Anyway I start to question my sanity because he doesn't get it. He blames me for where we are at! I'm just so tired of it. I don't have enough money yet to pursue the legal separation. I don't want him here and he's not listening. If I say I'll bring them to him he refuses.

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not the unreasonable or crazy one.

On another note - I had a drunk employee yesterday who lied to me when I asked if she'd been drinking...she was clearly intoxicated.
Are they all the same?! It made me feel sorry for her and my situation even more!

Also- I am SO glad he doesn't live here anymore!

Chelsea1029

He also said I think he has to have a drink everyday, but it's not like "I get the shakes or anything." Isn't this just denying he has a problem!?!

Live

blame shifting, smoke and mirrors....you know the truth & good for you for putting in safety measures for the kids. congrats.
do something uplifting or fun for you, you deserve it.

aspen1970

You're not crazy. You are strong to insist on certain conditions. I continue to live with my AH so that I don't have to deal with him ever being alone with the kids. While not a small thing, his only real contribution is income. I take care of the kids, the house and everything else you can think of. I'm also always trying to come up with activities to keep the kids busy so they don't have to see too much of his drinking. He is not mean or violent but I hate any interaction he has with me or the kids when he's drinking. I wish you luck.

dancingnow

You are not crazy. Keep taking care of YOU and do what is best for you and the kids. Keep stepping away from the insanity by putting up the boundaries you need for you and the kids.

There's probably more you can do to make it easier for yourself but most likely your AH will not like it. Is he on a regular schedule to visit the kids or does he just come when he feels like it? Being on a regular schedule revealed my RAH was still drinking and hence the consquences of kids not spending time with him.

It's such a long road for an A to truly seek sobriety and recovery. I am still on that road with my RAH and if I ever had to repeat the stage that you are going through I would not do it and not be in for the long haul knowing what I know now.

(((Hugs to you.)))

Take care and yes treat yourself to some enjoyment when you can. Enjoy peaceful moments with your kids.

allysen

My XAH and I have been separated for a year. He sees the kids mostly at my house. There have been times when he comes over and I can tell he's been drinking. So I ask him to leave. I don't tell him why, I don't ask him questions, I don't demand proof of sobriety - I just tell him I want him to leave. As for his meetings, steps, sponsor - I have no clue. His recovery or lackthereof is none of my business. We don't talk about his drinking any more as those conversations never went anywhere anyway. And you know what? We actually get along better now.

My point is, if you are going to be separated, then be separated. You having expectations & rules for him is causing huge resentments on both your parts. If you know he may drive the kids drunk, then don't bother asking him in the first place. Make other arrangements so that there's nothing to ever worry about.

No, you're not crazy. But further detaching would probably be helpful. You're overwhelmed with trying to 'fix' a crazy situation. Who cares if he blames you? Who cares if he's in denial? Focus on YOU. You're a good mom and a strong person so move forward focussing on that!

lillamy

Oh you're most definitely not crazy. Not by a long shot. On the contrary, you've put up some really good boundaries for keeping the kids safe.

I'm a bit concerned by his behavior of pushing your bedroom door open when you were trying to close it. That's a pretty serious boundary violation, which shows he doesn't respect your boundaries, your choices, you as a separate person from him. Which is also pretty common in alcoholics.

No, you're sane. Keep doing what you're doing.

Taking5

Tell him to quit for a week and he will get them. Usually by the 2nd or 3rd day.

Chelsea1029

Thank you all...I am concerned about the pushing the door as well. There have been a few incidents now of that and grabbing my arm one day when I picked up his phone.
Typically no I wouldn't ask him to drive anybody but there are times he wants to bring them somewhere and I don't want to be unreasonable but I also need to ensure safety so the breathalyzer has to happen.
Allysen- I've been thinking a lot about your post. I agree further detaching would be helpful. I don't know why it bothers me so much that he blames me or is in denial..maybe it's just because I feel like I've wasted 22 years of my life with him and he should at least acknowledge and feel sorry for what he's done. However, it appears that will never happen. I think the separation needs to be clearer and it would help if he wasn't seeing them here (at least while I'm here).
If I could tell him to leave and he actually would then I would be more comfortable with it but he won't leave when I ask. I did tell him if that continues I will seek an order directing him to stay out which my attorney said I should have no problem getting.

honeypig

Chelsea, are you getting some support for yourself? If you're not going to Alanon, I'd like to strongly suggest it. It's a great resource, and it's a good idea to have some face-to-face support in addition to SR, at least in my opinion.

My A is very good at making me doubt my own knowledge and perceptions, so I understand where you're at w/this. As you start to see his pattern, and as you continue to get reinforcement that you're NOT nuts from folks at SR and/or Alanon, you'll gradually learn to ignore his accusations and start to know your own rock-solid truth.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

schnappi99

<<this! As the codie in our situation, wife is the alcoholic, I would certainly push her buttons with various Judgements about her behavior etc so we would have lots of fights and drama. Insisting on me having a breathalyzer before I could drive our daughter anywhere would be a huge trigger and boy would I be tempted to have some kind of payback... his "not playing your game" comment suggests an inner tit-for-tat dialog on his part.

OTOH no doubt if he's going to drive the kids around he needs to be sober so I fully get the practical argument but it is fostering resentment. Given he is not in strong recovery (if at all) I agree its probably better to not have him around & involved- that bedroom door and grabbing your arm thing is not cool and if he has a bad day it could get a lot worse.

Consider too that the kids are there soaking up all this drama... not a good lesson; I've taught a few bad ones too from the codie side.

If he is not respecting your boundaries ie not respecting your requests it may be time for the order.

Chelsea1029

Thank you. I need to minimize contact. I haven't had any today and I like it that way. Tomorrow he will want to come see the kids and I haven't decided if I will leave and let him or if I will offer to bring them to him and he will refuse. Weekends are stressful. I need a set visitation plan but everything is in limbo right now it seems so it's hard. He is so argumentative. He is staying with his mother because he has us in a financial mess. He has refused to have them overnight a few times so he could "sleep in!" But then accuses me of not letting him see them.
Anyway right now he sees them typically about 4 hours before work on sat and after work Sunday for about 4 hours. I don't mind leaving one day but don't feel I should have to do both. It's all just so hard.
He is so good at making me feel like I'm the one wrong. I'm very angry about him shoving me with the door yesterday. It's so wrong.

schnappi99

I've heard it said in a couple AA podcasts that every alcoholic "in good standing" moves back in with mom because their lives have become such a mess. It does not sound at all like recovery to me no matter what his meeting attendance is.

Bullfrog

Oh if I had a nickel for every time my XAH accused me of "playing games with him."

Chelsea1029

So AH chose not to come over or call yesterday morning as he usually does. That was a huge relief for me. He did start calling about 1:00 and we had already left. In total he called the house 10 times, my cell 7, my sons cell 7. This is what he does if we don't answer. This is not normal behavior, correct?? I had my son call him, they spoke at least three times - it wasn't me trying to prevent that I just didn't want to speak to him.
Anyway my son handed me the phone later and I went in the bedroom and told him I didn't want to speak to him. He started his pity party "so you don't want me there tomorrow" (my sons birthday party I'm dreading). No didn't say that. "Well I won't come." I said that wouldn't be very nice to our son but it was his choice. I told him I was angry about pushing me with the door, he was exasperated like I was being ridiculous. I got off the phone.he text me nonsense about visitation. I ignored. It felt good.
I will be glad when today is over. It will help that other people will be here for most of the time.
I realize part of what makes this all so difficult is that it's like dealing with two different people. When he's like this it's so upsetting but clear that I'm doing the right thing. When he's being kind it is sad that he can't get his life together. My mind wants to make him all bad or all good. But it doesn't work that way. The unpredictability of every interaction makes it hard. Which is why I'm so glad I'm at least not living with that anxiety anymore.

Chelsea1029

Well that was a disaster. I planned to not engage at al... He got off work early and was here 3 hours before the party. He wouldn't leave me alone. Opened my locked bedroom door and kept bothering me. Telling me I don't support him, he has a disease...we need to tell the kids we aren't getting back together...I finally left and came back when everyone was here. Next time separate parties...my parents each did their own thing for my birthday and I lived to tell about it. That's what May have to happen. I couldn't stand it...I did yell at him when he called me after I left...so much for not engaging.

Missus

I just wanted to chip in... when my AH was hospitalised a few years back, he had to admit to them (because of the nature of his illness) the amount he was drinking - okay, I'll qualify that, I *assume* he told them, because they would have worked it out. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that they expected him to go thru withdrawals and watched him for the symptoms, but not a shake, not a tremor, nothing. This is a guy who drinks every day, starting about 2pm and finishing up anywhere up to 1am the next morning.