Want to Leave Emotionally Abusive Relationship
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Want to Leave Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Long time lurker here since February of this year… and I have finally gotten up the courage to post. I need the help, support and tough love that you have given so many others on this site. I had started to write out our complete relationship history but that post would be too long and I was afraid people wouldn’t want to read it, so I have decided to just cut to the chase.
I want to end my over 3 year long relationship with my RAB, it will be 4 years in August and I do not wish to meet that milestone. We do not have any children together, but we do share an expensive apartment. I am the only one on the lease because my AB has a felony and the landlord asked that I just put down my information on the lease. I cannot cover the rent on my own as I am a full time college student and only work part time. My boyfriend however can afford the apartment by himself but I’m sure it would be tight, in hindsight I see that I never should have agreed to only put my name on the lease seeing as though I can’t afford it, live and you learn.
I’m not sure he even qualifies as a recovering person, because he has long ago stopped wanting to work a program, have a sponsor, go to meetings or read the literature. He has been a dry drunk for most of this relationship which as you can probably imagine or know from experience makes him a miserable person and a miserable person to be around. Due to this behavior I believe that I have been suffering from the effects of emotional abuse. He has poor communication skills, and when anything happens that he doesn’t understand or it’s disagreeable in some way or another he completely shuts down and gives me the silent treatment which can last for days on end and puts me in the most excruciating pain.
Early on in the relationship we went to a few couples therapy appointments in regards to this and it started to improve, so he talked me into stopping therapy. Of course that didn’t last long because I don’t believe he knows any other way to be, but now I know that that is not an excuse for mistreatment.
I have experienced his relapses and when he is under the influence I do not feel safe, he scares me, and I get truly terrified, each of these times I have slept at my mother’s house. I have communicated how he is when he is under the influence, but he has this idea that he can handle alcohol and wants to drink again, I have told him that I cannot be in a relationship with an active alcoholic, and so now here we are, and the elephant in the room is no longer being ignored… he wants to drink, and I want out.
Recently I have started listening to Al-anon meetings on podcast, I have read Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood and Co Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, which have helped me immensely and gotten me to the point where I know I want to end the relationship. I have communicated this to him and I feel as though he is in denial. He keeps suggesting that a break up is so final, why don’t we just take a break.
I don’t want a break I want to leave this relationship and never look back. I have felt so trapped over the years and I can finally feel the freedom that is on the other side of this and I just need to get there… I feel like he is holding me hostage, but I need to take some personal responsibility, in a lot of ways I am holding myself hostage, hoping for something that will never be, wishing for an ideal breakup with someone who isn’t dealing with reality, I start to sound like the crazy one….
Every time I bring up the break up, and needing to go through our belongings to figure out who is keeping what, and separating the cell phone (we’re on a family plan in my name), taking my name off of the lease (he’s afraid the landlord won’t let him keep the place alone, because of his felony), he goes into denial mode, and has these delusions that we just need a break away from each other not an actual break up. Drinking is what he wants to do during this “break” that he is asking me for, but I don’t even care anymore, if he wants to drink do it, but just let me extricate myself before you do so I am not held liable for any of the destruction that is surely to follow.
I am to the point now where I see that I can no longer discuss the end of this relationship with him. My mother has already told me I can move in with her so I plan to start staying with her this weekend and slowly moving my stuff out over the next week. I have next Friday the 20th off (he doesn’t know), and my sister and mother plan to help me move the big stuff, I plan to contact the landlord after I am totally moved out to remove my name from the lease, and then send the AB a Dear John letter. He has brought me to this point…. Ugh this is still too long… I hope you read it and thank you in advance!
I want to end my over 3 year long relationship with my RAB, it will be 4 years in August and I do not wish to meet that milestone. We do not have any children together, but we do share an expensive apartment. I am the only one on the lease because my AB has a felony and the landlord asked that I just put down my information on the lease. I cannot cover the rent on my own as I am a full time college student and only work part time. My boyfriend however can afford the apartment by himself but I’m sure it would be tight, in hindsight I see that I never should have agreed to only put my name on the lease seeing as though I can’t afford it, live and you learn.
I’m not sure he even qualifies as a recovering person, because he has long ago stopped wanting to work a program, have a sponsor, go to meetings or read the literature. He has been a dry drunk for most of this relationship which as you can probably imagine or know from experience makes him a miserable person and a miserable person to be around. Due to this behavior I believe that I have been suffering from the effects of emotional abuse. He has poor communication skills, and when anything happens that he doesn’t understand or it’s disagreeable in some way or another he completely shuts down and gives me the silent treatment which can last for days on end and puts me in the most excruciating pain.
Early on in the relationship we went to a few couples therapy appointments in regards to this and it started to improve, so he talked me into stopping therapy. Of course that didn’t last long because I don’t believe he knows any other way to be, but now I know that that is not an excuse for mistreatment.
I have experienced his relapses and when he is under the influence I do not feel safe, he scares me, and I get truly terrified, each of these times I have slept at my mother’s house. I have communicated how he is when he is under the influence, but he has this idea that he can handle alcohol and wants to drink again, I have told him that I cannot be in a relationship with an active alcoholic, and so now here we are, and the elephant in the room is no longer being ignored… he wants to drink, and I want out.
Recently I have started listening to Al-anon meetings on podcast, I have read Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood and Co Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, which have helped me immensely and gotten me to the point where I know I want to end the relationship. I have communicated this to him and I feel as though he is in denial. He keeps suggesting that a break up is so final, why don’t we just take a break.
I don’t want a break I want to leave this relationship and never look back. I have felt so trapped over the years and I can finally feel the freedom that is on the other side of this and I just need to get there… I feel like he is holding me hostage, but I need to take some personal responsibility, in a lot of ways I am holding myself hostage, hoping for something that will never be, wishing for an ideal breakup with someone who isn’t dealing with reality, I start to sound like the crazy one….
Every time I bring up the break up, and needing to go through our belongings to figure out who is keeping what, and separating the cell phone (we’re on a family plan in my name), taking my name off of the lease (he’s afraid the landlord won’t let him keep the place alone, because of his felony), he goes into denial mode, and has these delusions that we just need a break away from each other not an actual break up. Drinking is what he wants to do during this “break” that he is asking me for, but I don’t even care anymore, if he wants to drink do it, but just let me extricate myself before you do so I am not held liable for any of the destruction that is surely to follow.
I am to the point now where I see that I can no longer discuss the end of this relationship with him. My mother has already told me I can move in with her so I plan to start staying with her this weekend and slowly moving my stuff out over the next week. I have next Friday the 20th off (he doesn’t know), and my sister and mother plan to help me move the big stuff, I plan to contact the landlord after I am totally moved out to remove my name from the lease, and then send the AB a Dear John letter. He has brought me to this point…. Ugh this is still too long… I hope you read it and thank you in advance!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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New Beginnings, welcome! You sound like a very intelligient woman and even though you may not think so, I think you sound STRONG. Are you able to get out of your lease ok? What if you did just make it seem like a break (to skip the drama to get his name off your phone, out of the apt. etc.) to get your stuff out of there and go to your Mom's but then be adamant that you need to move on with your life once you're out? I don't know... I sense you may be frightened of what he's capable of if he's not in control of you?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Hello New B - welcome to the place that will give you the support to move on, it did for me. You have made your decision, seeing it through over the next week will be tough, but when you look back in a few weeks, months and years you'll see this period as one of growth, decisiveness and life changing. You deserve so much more than to feel trapped in a one-sided relationship where all the responsibility falls on you. When I left my STBEAH, the sense of relief was immense - lots of challenges ahead in disentangling joint affairs, but the lack of craziness, stress, fear, anxiety and dread leaves me a space for peace, calm, focus, contentment and for friends that I'd left behind for too long. Good you have family around you. No need to look back, you have the courage to see this through. x
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Originally Posted by Refiner 
New Beginnings, welcome! You sound like a very intelligient woman and even though you may not think so, I think you sound STRONG. Are you able to get out of your lease ok? What if you did just make it seem like a break (to skip the drama to get his name off your phone, out of the apt. etc.) to get your stuff out of there and go to your Mom's but then be adamant that you need to move on with your life once you're out? I don't know... I sense you may be frightened of what he's capable of if he's not in control of you?
It's funny you mentioned that I may be feeling scared, I thought I wasn't but now I know I've been minimizing... AB has been sleeping out on the couch while I've taken the bedroom but the other night he came in the room and laid on the bed to go to sleep and I was frozen with fear, the books I've been reading have encouraged me to start listening to my inner voice, and it was that feeling of fear that sparked me to want to start staying at my mothers house by this weekend...
I'm starting to think your right that maybe I should just leave under the guise of the "break", I honestly don't even want to discuss it with him any further...
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Originally Posted by Brindie
Hello New B - welcome to the place that will give you the support to move on, it did for me. You have made your decision, seeing it through over the next week will be tough, but when you look back in a few weeks, months and years you'll see this period as one of growth, decisiveness and life changing. You deserve so much more than to feel trapped in a one-sided relationship where all the responsibility falls on you. When I left my STBEAH, the sense of relief was immense - lots of challenges ahead in disentangling joint affairs, but the lack of craziness, stress, fear, anxiety and dread leaves me a space for peace, calm, focus, contentment and for friends that I'd left behind for too long. Good you have family around you. No need to look back, you have the courage to see this through. x
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Hi NewBeginnings & welcome!
I agree that you sound strong and determined. I don't want to be a scarecrow here but I would encourage you to make sure you are safe during this transition. Emotional abuse is bad enough, but the line to physical abuse can sometimes be crossed very quickly and with not much warning. I think having people help you move your stuff out is a great idea. I also think not meeting with him alone after moving out could be something to consider.
I was in an emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive marriage which turned physically abusive -- that's when I left. If you can, ahead of time, I would figure out what are absolute "must haves" when you leave. Make sure you have all important paperworks (tax returns, bank statements, lease to the apartment, passport, that kind of thing) and I would also let the landlord know literally on your way out the door. My ex did some damage to our place after I left -- I was lucky that a good friend told me to call the landlord and let him know I had left even though it was the middle of the night, or I could have been held responsible for the damage.
Disentangling the joint affairs may also need some forethought. Do you have joint bank accounts? If so, open your own. The cell phone thing, I would call the provider and ask how to deal with. They may let you move your phone to a new account and give him control over the old one.
What my good friends kept reminding me of was that I was only responsible for me. It was none of my business whether AXH could afford to keep the house, or pay the bills, without me.
And I second everything Brindie said about the freedom. Before I left, I felt like nothing was fun and I had nothing to look forward to. I felt old and used up and finished. After? The world was again full of possibilities -- I moved, changed careers, and started an entirely new life. I hope you too will be able to do that!
I agree that you sound strong and determined. I don't want to be a scarecrow here but I would encourage you to make sure you are safe during this transition. Emotional abuse is bad enough, but the line to physical abuse can sometimes be crossed very quickly and with not much warning. I think having people help you move your stuff out is a great idea. I also think not meeting with him alone after moving out could be something to consider.
I was in an emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive marriage which turned physically abusive -- that's when I left. If you can, ahead of time, I would figure out what are absolute "must haves" when you leave. Make sure you have all important paperworks (tax returns, bank statements, lease to the apartment, passport, that kind of thing) and I would also let the landlord know literally on your way out the door. My ex did some damage to our place after I left -- I was lucky that a good friend told me to call the landlord and let him know I had left even though it was the middle of the night, or I could have been held responsible for the damage.
Disentangling the joint affairs may also need some forethought. Do you have joint bank accounts? If so, open your own. The cell phone thing, I would call the provider and ask how to deal with. They may let you move your phone to a new account and give him control over the old one.
What my good friends kept reminding me of was that I was only responsible for me. It was none of my business whether AXH could afford to keep the house, or pay the bills, without me.
And I second everything Brindie said about the freedom. Before I left, I felt like nothing was fun and I had nothing to look forward to. I felt old and used up and finished. After? The world was again full of possibilities -- I moved, changed careers, and started an entirely new life. I hope you too will be able to do that!
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NewBeginnings32---I hate to be a buzzkill, here....but I do think that you owe it to yourself to think through, carefully, ALL of the safety issues. I don't know if you have done any reading or are aware of the increased dangers associated with the exit from a relationship.
I am not trying to unnecessarily frighten you---but, there are some basic precautions that you should take. Hopefully, things will go just as you want. But it is always better to be safe as possible.
Have you thought of getting the new app, "whengeorgiasmiles"? You can go to that website to learn more about it.
I know that this isn't easy. Please keep us appraised as to how this goes for you. You are not alone. There is a l ot of experience and genuine caring on this forum.
dandylion
I am not trying to unnecessarily frighten you---but, there are some basic precautions that you should take. Hopefully, things will go just as you want. But it is always better to be safe as possible.
Have you thought of getting the new app, "whengeorgiasmiles"? You can go to that website to learn more about it.
I know that this isn't easy. Please keep us appraised as to how this goes for you. You are not alone. There is a l ot of experience and genuine caring on this forum.
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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The great news is that you KNOW what you want! Most of us come here all twisted up and confused.
Just be extra savvy in preparing to move and in moving.
I think there are stickies at the top to help you with that.
A very good friend of mine told her landlord that she needed to leave and be taken off the lease because she was being abused. He was very nice to her, took her off the lease and wished her the best.
Being with an addict is abuse as far as I am concerned.
You are going to feel so much better being able to focus better on your studies. Go you!
Cheers to Mom for the support.
You are going to love having the stress drop away.
Since he scares you, I agree with the others about taking some extra precautions. Try not to be alone with him.
Just be extra savvy in preparing to move and in moving.
I think there are stickies at the top to help you with that.
A very good friend of mine told her landlord that she needed to leave and be taken off the lease because she was being abused. He was very nice to her, took her off the lease and wished her the best.
Being with an addict is abuse as far as I am concerned.
You are going to feel so much better being able to focus better on your studies. Go you!
Cheers to Mom for the support.
You are going to love having the stress drop away.
Since he scares you, I agree with the others about taking some extra precautions. Try not to be alone with him.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Thanks for sharing your experience lillamy; it really got me thinking...
I stayed at my mother’s last night due to an intense feeling of hostility and tension in the apartment, guess I am finally starting to listen to my inside voice... This morning I was able to separate all of my paperwork from his in the office and grab must have items for now... I know that my next step should be to call the landlord but there is something holding me back, I feel so stupid because I know I need to focus on myself and take care of my side of this business but I can't stop thinking about how he may be effected in regards to the fall out.... Why!
I stayed at my mother’s last night due to an intense feeling of hostility and tension in the apartment, guess I am finally starting to listen to my inside voice... This morning I was able to separate all of my paperwork from his in the office and grab must have items for now... I know that my next step should be to call the landlord but there is something holding me back, I feel so stupid because I know I need to focus on myself and take care of my side of this business but I can't stop thinking about how he may be effected in regards to the fall out.... Why!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Well, it's pretty normal at this point to be having second thoughts. Something brought you into this relationship, kept you there for quite some time, and it's likely that whatever that "something" is, it isn't quite dead yet.
However, I would very much keep in mind this saying, "he who hesitates, is lost." Remember lots of people got into huge trouble (I'm thinking Lot's wife here but there are many other examples) because they just couldn't resist taking that last look back. Just couldn't take the final step over the line... and in the end, it cost them dearly.
From what you've said, you have extremely good reasons to exit this situation ASAP. Do not let fears or hesitation stand in your way now. If you have to bite your tongue every other minute, go ahead... but do it. Do it now.
Jane
However, I would very much keep in mind this saying, "he who hesitates, is lost." Remember lots of people got into huge trouble (I'm thinking Lot's wife here but there are many other examples) because they just couldn't resist taking that last look back. Just couldn't take the final step over the line... and in the end, it cost them dearly.
From what you've said, you have extremely good reasons to exit this situation ASAP. Do not let fears or hesitation stand in your way now. If you have to bite your tongue every other minute, go ahead... but do it. Do it now.
Jane
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Thank you everyone for bringing up the safety concern, I suppose I should mention that his felony charge is due to a domestic incident between himself and his father, they got into a fight while AB was under the influence, and he broke his father’s jaw. From the beginning my mother had concerns about my involvement with him (his record is a long list of domestic incidents between him and family members, bar fights, and disorderliness) he has never gotten physical with me outside of one time which is truly fuzzy in my memory which shows how much minimizing and denying I’ve been doing…
Early on in our relationship he was under the influence in what I would call a black out state, he was yelling at me accusing me of wanting to sleep with his best friend whom I had just met that evening, he got in my face grabbed me by the arms and shook me… then he began to punch himself in the face… oh God I’ve never admitted to anyone that anything like that happened before… I was so scared, and so embarrassed for him, and at the time I think I felt that I could help him figure out his pain, I think I just saw someone in so much pain… and wanted to help… But now I can see that this is why there has always been that underlying pang of fear just beneath the surface in all of my dealings with him, I have been afraid of him for a very long time…
Early on in our relationship he was under the influence in what I would call a black out state, he was yelling at me accusing me of wanting to sleep with his best friend whom I had just met that evening, he got in my face grabbed me by the arms and shook me… then he began to punch himself in the face… oh God I’ve never admitted to anyone that anything like that happened before… I was so scared, and so embarrassed for him, and at the time I think I felt that I could help him figure out his pain, I think I just saw someone in so much pain… and wanted to help… But now I can see that this is why there has always been that underlying pang of fear just beneath the surface in all of my dealings with him, I have been afraid of him for a very long time…
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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You are strong, and you are doing what you need to do, and I applaud you!
I also agree with the other posters who have reiterated that you need to keep yourself safe. Having been in an abusive relationship before I am recognizing the patterns here and I feel the need to warn you that things frequently become MORE dangerous after you leave.
I do agree that perhaps leaving under the premise of a break (as far as HE knows, everyone else can know differently) would probably be safer, and not letting him know officially that it's over unless/until it's necessary.
Regarding the apartment, the landlord does need to know AS you are leaving that you are gone. (I would also put it in writing, perhaps email if you can, otherwise make sure you keep a copy). I would also suggest taking pictures of the apartment on your cell phone on your way out the door, as well. There are apps you can download that will add a date/time/GPS stamp to your pictures. This would be for your protection, in case he wrecks it after you leave, so that you are covered.
Calling a Domestic Violence Hotline may also prove useful.
The national hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
There are generally local ones as well that can provide more specific local information. DV hotlines are not just for emergencies, they are also a great resource, and regardless of whether or not you want to label this relationship as "abusive" (although judging by the post you typed when I was typing this, I am thinking you already recognize it for what it is) you would certainly benefit from many of their resources. For example, I know they frequently have checklists of important papers and other items to bring when leaving a relationship, you could use this to verify that you did not forget anything.
You have your act together, you know what you need to do, and you are brave and strong of heart. Hang in there! It's going to be okay, and if it's not okay right now, that just means you're not done yet!
(((HUGS)))
(Also, I do recommend another book - "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. This book opened my eyes and saved my life. There's another book as well, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker, this one is a lot grittier so be prepared, but it's another amazing book that can really help.)
I also agree with the other posters who have reiterated that you need to keep yourself safe. Having been in an abusive relationship before I am recognizing the patterns here and I feel the need to warn you that things frequently become MORE dangerous after you leave.
I do agree that perhaps leaving under the premise of a break (as far as HE knows, everyone else can know differently) would probably be safer, and not letting him know officially that it's over unless/until it's necessary.
Regarding the apartment, the landlord does need to know AS you are leaving that you are gone. (I would also put it in writing, perhaps email if you can, otherwise make sure you keep a copy). I would also suggest taking pictures of the apartment on your cell phone on your way out the door, as well. There are apps you can download that will add a date/time/GPS stamp to your pictures. This would be for your protection, in case he wrecks it after you leave, so that you are covered.
Calling a Domestic Violence Hotline may also prove useful.
The national hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
There are generally local ones as well that can provide more specific local information. DV hotlines are not just for emergencies, they are also a great resource, and regardless of whether or not you want to label this relationship as "abusive" (although judging by the post you typed when I was typing this, I am thinking you already recognize it for what it is) you would certainly benefit from many of their resources. For example, I know they frequently have checklists of important papers and other items to bring when leaving a relationship, you could use this to verify that you did not forget anything.
You have your act together, you know what you need to do, and you are brave and strong of heart. Hang in there! It's going to be okay, and if it's not okay right now, that just means you're not done yet!
(((HUGS)))(Also, I do recommend another book - "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. This book opened my eyes and saved my life. There's another book as well, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker, this one is a lot grittier so be prepared, but it's another amazing book that can really help.)
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
NewB - what honesty you have shown in your later posts, I applaud you for that. You know, I never admitted to family or friends what went on behind closed doors either. Too ashamed or whatever. I guess I knew deep down that when I admitted to others close to me that I would have to take action. And I finally did. Like you, my STBEAH was violent at times, although he never actually laid a finger on me. He trashed stuff, restrained me, sexually assaulted me, broke the dog's leg .... So like you I was scared, I figured because he said he loved me, I could fix it. Never could, never will. So please, think of yourself here, not on the fallout on him. You have a whole future ahead of you without the pain of addiction, control, manipulation, abuse .... That sounds and looks a pretty smart choice you have made already. BTW, I didn't dare to tell my AH I was leaving because I was scared of his reaction. I got my paperwork together, stored an emergency bag under the bed for a few weeks just in case, moved some clothes out to a friend's house when he was asleep (just enough so he wouldn't notice anything suspicious) and finally walked out one morning at 6.00am with three bin bags and the dogs. Right under his nose, he was passed out on the sofa. I left a note. He was on a very clear final final warning, and I followed through (after two previous attempts). Don't think about the effect on him afterwards as you follow through - think about what might happen to you, and take all the steps you can to keep safe. Best wishes and hugs to you x
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Oh and about worrying about the effect on him ... my AH went into meltdown for several weeks and the drama played out with several texts threatening suicide - couldn't live without me, etc. There is another good current thread on this subject. BUT he reached bottom, got sober, attended AA and since I left on 21 Jan this year, he has 100 days sober and is doing well in that department. There is no going back for us, too much hurt and damage done, but he would have died otherwise. It's up to him what happens next .....
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Even now making excuses, huh? 'He never laid a finger on me ...' one minute, but 'he restrained me' and 'sexually assaulted me' the next .... Where do I get off making excuses for him still. Oops, need to work on me some more! It's early days still ... Weird how we are programmed to make these un-connected connections. Codie or what?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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It's not a consensual thing that involves discussion. You leave, period. Sounds like you're legally responsible for the apartment since it's in your name so I suggest starting the work of untangling yourself. He has money, he's on his own. Even if you have to bunk with your mother for a while before finding something more permanent, it sounds like that is a better choice than where you are now. My heart goes out to you, a big hug.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Update on wanting to leave…
Spent my first weekend away at my mother’s house, and boy was it tough! I alternated between crying jags and expressions of anger at my situation. Starting Friday evening I could tell that ABF had relapsed because his text messages were odd and fragmented… I just prayed for God’s will in his life, kept busy, and tried to keep the focus on myself… I got through the weekend with the support of my family even though I kept all of my emotions in only to finally break down in front of my mother Saturday evening.
I never did contact my landlord, I think I may have some lingering dysfunctional codependent feelings about myself maybe deep down I don’t feel important enough to take this step of protecting myself… I don’t know… how can I do so much and be supremely responsible for others and dot every I and cross every T when someone else is involved, but when it comes to my own well-being I act inept...
I woke up with resolve on Sunday that after work on Monday I would stop over at the apartment and get the landlords number, to call and get out of the lease (when I grabbed some things on that Friday I couldn’t find the lease which has his # on it, also ABF had always phoned when we had any issues with the apartment so the # wasn’t saved in my phone…)
When I opened the door the apartment smelled like a bar, the large rug in our living room was turned upside down as if he had spilled and was trying to air it out, pizza box on the counter, two bottles of craft beer in the freezer, and him in the bedroom with Judge Judy on… right away he admitted to drinking, there was a gash in his forehead, he said he fell into our front stoop, neighbors had to help him in the house he was so wasted, so glad I stayed at my mom’s because since I wasn’t there I don’t feel any embarrassment his embarrassment is his own, no embarrassment on this side of the street…
He was remorseful, said he now knows he is an alcoholic, that he’s got some internal work to do, that he needs help in the form of meetings and therapy, said he can’t believe he was still alive, didn’t drive drunk thank God, but our upstairs neighbors had to drive him to pick up his car, he spent $200 at the bar buying drinks for old drinking buddies, his work knows, his boss had to tell the head boss that he was out sick not because he was sick but because he was hung over, they told him he still had a job if he could find a way to get it together…. I started crying at the state he was in, he didn’t even look like himself, he always gets this look about him when he’s been drinking and that’s how he looked just pitiful… like someone who should be on a mental ward… so sad, and how I love him… still…
I reiterated that we were breaking up, that I needed to call the landlord, he asked me to wait until he sobered up a bit, because he knew that once I requested off of the lease he would have to speak to the landlord too about keeping the place, he gave me the landlords number. So I said ok, I won’t call him until Friday, because that was the day that my sister and I planned to move all of my stuff out while he’s at work…
I walked out of there feeling like I knew that I couldn’t live like that anymore, reason with him that he can never drink again, and then go through the inevitable relapse with him again and again… We talked on Tuesday morning, he told me his boss said he could come in Wednesday since he had the shakes… he told me he had thrown the beers in the trash, I asked if he had poured them out first, he said he had not and asked if I would stay on the phone while he did so… he let me in on the fact that he had called one of his AA friends, and he was headed to a meeting. And then something strange happened that day… I felt this internal pull, the feeling of being needed, that I could be of assistance that I could help… as in take the stage, NewBegginings… it’s time for you to shine! It almost felt seductive… all of my anger in regards to his past behavior while dry drunk is slowly escaping me, I try to conjure up images of the recent silent treatment episodes and little mole hill misunderstandings that were made into mountains by him, and they just don’t seem that bad… am I going crazy?!
It doesn’t help that it is very tough staying with my mother… she is the Queen of Co-Dependency, My father was an alcoholic so I grew up under their dynamic, once she divorced him she turned her co-dependent controlling onto her children, I think I get the brunt of it though because I am the baby of the family and we were very close while dealing with my father’s alcoholism, I was privy to conversations and feelings in regards to their relationship that I shouldn’t have been… anyway as I have mentioned she is driving me crazy! I can’t move two feet without her suggestions, questions, critiques and advice, all under the guise of helping me as if I am this helpless little lamb all of 2 years old instead of the 32 year old woman that I am.
I can’t go back to that apartment though… I know for him to get well, I am going to have to stay away… plus I don’t think I really want to get back together with him, it’s probably just the idea of him getting well that is looking attractive to me, but I have to keep in mind that as much as I can hope for it he may never get well, this may be his cycle… even though as I type this I am dreading Friday and my plan to permanently move my stuff out while he’s at work… God I hate feeling like this!
Maybe staying with her will motivate me to make some more lifestyle changes… as I’ve said I only work part time due to a full time school schedule working on my BA in Social Work… maybe I could look at working full time so I could afford my own place, and cut back on a class or two…. I think I need to set some more goals so I can possibly see some more light at the end of all of this, because it’s starting to get dark again, my outlook that is… I am starting to feel stuck and trapped in another situation…
I never did contact my landlord, I think I may have some lingering dysfunctional codependent feelings about myself maybe deep down I don’t feel important enough to take this step of protecting myself… I don’t know… how can I do so much and be supremely responsible for others and dot every I and cross every T when someone else is involved, but when it comes to my own well-being I act inept...
I woke up with resolve on Sunday that after work on Monday I would stop over at the apartment and get the landlords number, to call and get out of the lease (when I grabbed some things on that Friday I couldn’t find the lease which has his # on it, also ABF had always phoned when we had any issues with the apartment so the # wasn’t saved in my phone…)
When I opened the door the apartment smelled like a bar, the large rug in our living room was turned upside down as if he had spilled and was trying to air it out, pizza box on the counter, two bottles of craft beer in the freezer, and him in the bedroom with Judge Judy on… right away he admitted to drinking, there was a gash in his forehead, he said he fell into our front stoop, neighbors had to help him in the house he was so wasted, so glad I stayed at my mom’s because since I wasn’t there I don’t feel any embarrassment his embarrassment is his own, no embarrassment on this side of the street…
He was remorseful, said he now knows he is an alcoholic, that he’s got some internal work to do, that he needs help in the form of meetings and therapy, said he can’t believe he was still alive, didn’t drive drunk thank God, but our upstairs neighbors had to drive him to pick up his car, he spent $200 at the bar buying drinks for old drinking buddies, his work knows, his boss had to tell the head boss that he was out sick not because he was sick but because he was hung over, they told him he still had a job if he could find a way to get it together…. I started crying at the state he was in, he didn’t even look like himself, he always gets this look about him when he’s been drinking and that’s how he looked just pitiful… like someone who should be on a mental ward… so sad, and how I love him… still…
I reiterated that we were breaking up, that I needed to call the landlord, he asked me to wait until he sobered up a bit, because he knew that once I requested off of the lease he would have to speak to the landlord too about keeping the place, he gave me the landlords number. So I said ok, I won’t call him until Friday, because that was the day that my sister and I planned to move all of my stuff out while he’s at work…
I walked out of there feeling like I knew that I couldn’t live like that anymore, reason with him that he can never drink again, and then go through the inevitable relapse with him again and again… We talked on Tuesday morning, he told me his boss said he could come in Wednesday since he had the shakes… he told me he had thrown the beers in the trash, I asked if he had poured them out first, he said he had not and asked if I would stay on the phone while he did so… he let me in on the fact that he had called one of his AA friends, and he was headed to a meeting. And then something strange happened that day… I felt this internal pull, the feeling of being needed, that I could be of assistance that I could help… as in take the stage, NewBegginings… it’s time for you to shine! It almost felt seductive… all of my anger in regards to his past behavior while dry drunk is slowly escaping me, I try to conjure up images of the recent silent treatment episodes and little mole hill misunderstandings that were made into mountains by him, and they just don’t seem that bad… am I going crazy?!
It doesn’t help that it is very tough staying with my mother… she is the Queen of Co-Dependency, My father was an alcoholic so I grew up under their dynamic, once she divorced him she turned her co-dependent controlling onto her children, I think I get the brunt of it though because I am the baby of the family and we were very close while dealing with my father’s alcoholism, I was privy to conversations and feelings in regards to their relationship that I shouldn’t have been… anyway as I have mentioned she is driving me crazy! I can’t move two feet without her suggestions, questions, critiques and advice, all under the guise of helping me as if I am this helpless little lamb all of 2 years old instead of the 32 year old woman that I am.
I can’t go back to that apartment though… I know for him to get well, I am going to have to stay away… plus I don’t think I really want to get back together with him, it’s probably just the idea of him getting well that is looking attractive to me, but I have to keep in mind that as much as I can hope for it he may never get well, this may be his cycle… even though as I type this I am dreading Friday and my plan to permanently move my stuff out while he’s at work… God I hate feeling like this!
Maybe staying with her will motivate me to make some more lifestyle changes… as I’ve said I only work part time due to a full time school schedule working on my BA in Social Work… maybe I could look at working full time so I could afford my own place, and cut back on a class or two…. I think I need to set some more goals so I can possibly see some more light at the end of all of this, because it’s starting to get dark again, my outlook that is… I am starting to feel stuck and trapped in another situation…
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Glad to hear you're getting things sorted and that your bf seems cooperative. I did have to LOL at the "queen of codependency" remark, you totally just described my mother. I was the oldest, so I got the exaggerated sense of responsibility dumped on me.
Yeah, when I had to move back in with her for a few months I was practically tearing out my hair from listening to all of her "helpful advice" and suggestions and running commentary of unsolicited opinions. The good thing about that was it prompted me to make some changes in my own life and start going to Alanon. I sure didn't want to end up the crown princess of codependency.
I remember when I got back from my first Alanon meeting she greeted me with a weird, almost frantic look in her eyes and said "how was your meeting", expecting a detailed description, because, you know, EVERYTHING is her business. I said "it was anonymous." She got totally exasperated and said "I don't understand what that means."
She tried to pry more and asked if it would help ME if she went to Alanon too. I thought, it would help everyone you know, but I just told her that I was going for myself and if she wanted to go for herself that would be up to her. She decided not to go because, "she has no interest in a codependent lifestyle."
Yeah.
Yeah, when I had to move back in with her for a few months I was practically tearing out my hair from listening to all of her "helpful advice" and suggestions and running commentary of unsolicited opinions. The good thing about that was it prompted me to make some changes in my own life and start going to Alanon. I sure didn't want to end up the crown princess of codependency.
I remember when I got back from my first Alanon meeting she greeted me with a weird, almost frantic look in her eyes and said "how was your meeting", expecting a detailed description, because, you know, EVERYTHING is her business. I said "it was anonymous." She got totally exasperated and said "I don't understand what that means."
She tried to pry more and asked if it would help ME if she went to Alanon too. I thought, it would help everyone you know, but I just told her that I was going for myself and if she wanted to go for herself that would be up to her. She decided not to go because, "she has no interest in a codependent lifestyle."
Yeah.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
New Beginnings 32, you are doing the right things. Absolutely.
From my experience, having literally run away 2 years on July 4th from a 20 year marriage in which my husband became alcoholic, abusive in profound and subtle emotional ways, and cross addicted to porn and gambling with the stock market, our hearts do not know what our minds know for a long time.
We need to take action with our minds, quickly, definitively and permanently while we let our hearts follow along on a separate track and time trajectory to sort through our feelings and what has happened to us.
Make a list of a series of short, declarative action oriented steps for yourself.
Here's what I'd start with:
1. Call domestic violence people. TODAY.
Get their counsel on:
2. Get your stuff out of the apartment, accompanied by several imposing adults, preferably when your ABF is not home. Ask the domestic violence people who should accompany you, perhaps a police officer.
3. Call your landlord ASAP, waiting only until you find out your legal rights and obligations. Since your lease is up in August, it is a reasonable time to give the usual one month's notice plus a few weeks. You need to limit your financial liability for any damage your ABF might do.
4. Go NO CONTACT immediately and completely.
5. Get immediate support through Alanon, Domestic Violence, friends, counselors, minister. Choose a support team based on whoever has the insight and the guts to tell you the truth when you waver. Call them often and listen to them. Later, you will pay this forward with others.
6. Make your decisions and follow through on them based on your physical safety and emotional health. Not your heart or feelings.
7. Whatever else your thinking mind and advisors tell you to do, do it now and do it decisively.
8. If your ABF gives you trouble or threatens you, get a lawyer and a Restraining Order. This, if needed, will set the stage for you later to be protected legally if it should come to that. It will no longer be a "he said/she said" situation.
Remember, this man has a long history of domestic violence. You do not need to protect him; you need to be protected FROM him.
Part of the difficulty in leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is that often your self-protective instincts have been over-ridden and dis-connected.
You are not the best judge of what is safe now and what is not. A man who has a criminal record for assaults, including with family members, has shown he cannot control himself and particularly so in the center of emotionally difficult relationships. And he is drinking beyond self control which escalates the threat of his being out of control with you.
Learn as much as you can about emotionally abusive relationships. English Garden started a profound thread on “What Abuse is” at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics page. My story is there, as are many others who can give you greater insight into the emotional devastation you are breaking from. Longer term, this is where recovery lies. From my own experience, with some intensive emotional work, I am getting free from what I learned from my dysfunctional alcoholic and psychotic family of origin that led me to make the life partner choice that I made.
But first, do this transition safely.
Remember, money lost such as rent lost, security deposits gone, extra phone charges - - these are just the cost of getting free. In the end, getting out quickly and safely is what matters.
Don’t trust your heart right now. The alcoholic/addict will do and say whatever they have to to survive.
Survival for them means continuing to have access to their drug of choice and the life situation they have arranged that supports them in getting their alcohol.
The tempestuous emotional nature of our relationships with our abusive partners means something to them. It creates chaos and intensity and it lets them obscure any focus on their addiction. They need us to not rock their addiction boat. While initially they may plead with us to return, they will soon turn ugly and blame us for anything and everything.
You don’t want to continue with any discussions that will keep you involved in this insanity. You want to be away and safe before the addict’s remorse and fear turn to rage.
Keep posting, we are all here for you.
ShootingStar1
From my experience, having literally run away 2 years on July 4th from a 20 year marriage in which my husband became alcoholic, abusive in profound and subtle emotional ways, and cross addicted to porn and gambling with the stock market, our hearts do not know what our minds know for a long time.
We need to take action with our minds, quickly, definitively and permanently while we let our hearts follow along on a separate track and time trajectory to sort through our feelings and what has happened to us.
Make a list of a series of short, declarative action oriented steps for yourself.
Here's what I'd start with:
1. Call domestic violence people. TODAY.
Get their counsel on:
- How to leave safely;
- How to tell your landlord and what your legal liability is;
- How to quickly build a support system for yourself in this transition
2. Get your stuff out of the apartment, accompanied by several imposing adults, preferably when your ABF is not home. Ask the domestic violence people who should accompany you, perhaps a police officer.
3. Call your landlord ASAP, waiting only until you find out your legal rights and obligations. Since your lease is up in August, it is a reasonable time to give the usual one month's notice plus a few weeks. You need to limit your financial liability for any damage your ABF might do.
4. Go NO CONTACT immediately and completely.
5. Get immediate support through Alanon, Domestic Violence, friends, counselors, minister. Choose a support team based on whoever has the insight and the guts to tell you the truth when you waver. Call them often and listen to them. Later, you will pay this forward with others.
6. Make your decisions and follow through on them based on your physical safety and emotional health. Not your heart or feelings.
7. Whatever else your thinking mind and advisors tell you to do, do it now and do it decisively.
8. If your ABF gives you trouble or threatens you, get a lawyer and a Restraining Order. This, if needed, will set the stage for you later to be protected legally if it should come to that. It will no longer be a "he said/she said" situation.
Remember, this man has a long history of domestic violence. You do not need to protect him; you need to be protected FROM him.
Part of the difficulty in leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is that often your self-protective instincts have been over-ridden and dis-connected.
You are not the best judge of what is safe now and what is not. A man who has a criminal record for assaults, including with family members, has shown he cannot control himself and particularly so in the center of emotionally difficult relationships. And he is drinking beyond self control which escalates the threat of his being out of control with you.
Learn as much as you can about emotionally abusive relationships. English Garden started a profound thread on “What Abuse is” at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics page. My story is there, as are many others who can give you greater insight into the emotional devastation you are breaking from. Longer term, this is where recovery lies. From my own experience, with some intensive emotional work, I am getting free from what I learned from my dysfunctional alcoholic and psychotic family of origin that led me to make the life partner choice that I made.
But first, do this transition safely.
Remember, money lost such as rent lost, security deposits gone, extra phone charges - - these are just the cost of getting free. In the end, getting out quickly and safely is what matters.
Don’t trust your heart right now. The alcoholic/addict will do and say whatever they have to to survive.
Survival for them means continuing to have access to their drug of choice and the life situation they have arranged that supports them in getting their alcohol.
The tempestuous emotional nature of our relationships with our abusive partners means something to them. It creates chaos and intensity and it lets them obscure any focus on their addiction. They need us to not rock their addiction boat. While initially they may plead with us to return, they will soon turn ugly and blame us for anything and everything.
You don’t want to continue with any discussions that will keep you involved in this insanity. You want to be away and safe before the addict’s remorse and fear turn to rage.
Keep posting, we are all here for you.
ShootingStar1
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