torn1008

I was with my ex boyfriend for over 5 years and for 5 years I went through hell with him. I stayed there and supported him, helping him to realize he had a drinking problem. He finally after 4 years, rehabs, hospitalization for alcohol poisoning as well as incarceration. He finally decided to take this seriously. He went to rehab once more and when released he stopped talking with all his friends including me. He got a sponsor and got very serious. We spoke from time to time through text. On his 1 year anniversary of sobriety he has me and 4 other close friends of his to attend. We were all there and after that we started to hang out again. We were very close! He was living with his parents and decided to move out on his own. After 4 months he relapsed. He called me and told me what happened and I was there for him. After that night I called him several times and he never answered but would text me, that he couldn't talk cause he was at a AA meeting but I tried to reach him 3 more times within 2 weeks and he never picked but would text me that he was in a meeting or busy. I was like wow I feel like I cant reach you anymore. After that text he stopped all contact with me. 2 months later I text him, why haven't I heard from him and told me he didn't like that last we text I made him feel like I was questioning our friendship and he doesn't need that kind of drama in his life. It has now been another 3 months and still nothing. Why would he shut me out like that, when I was always there for him?? Need advise.

honeypig

torn, welcome to SR. You're in the right place for help for yourself.

It sounds to me as if your ex has decided he needs to concentrate all his energies on his recovery at this point. Recovery can be, literally, a matter of life and death for an A, and sometimes it takes a radical redirection of their energy in order to work their program. This has nothing to do w/you; it's about what he needs in order to stay sober right now. That has to be his priority.

I'd suggest you just leave him alone for now. He doesn't owe you anything, even if you were "always there for him." That sounds hard, I know, but right now your best bet is to focus on yourself. Why are you pursuing this friendship when it seems there's not much interest on the other end? What are you getting out of this? There's one person whose thoughts and actions you can control in this scenario, and that is you.

I'd suggest reading as much as you can here on the forum, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. You might also want to look into some face-to-face support for yourself in Alanon. Educating yourself about alcoholism as well as looking at your own part in what's going on will help you see more clearly.

Again, welcome to SR, and I hope you find the help you need.

torn1008

Thank you for you reply. I understand that he is and needs to focus on his sobriety. I was just confused as too why he would he would end a friendship with the one person who has always been there to support him. He hasn't changed any of his other friends, in fact he is now hanging out with a buddy of his that he use to party with. I know his friend is being supportive to him and as far I know his friend doesn't party anymore but I also know he relapsed again about 2 months ago. It just doesn't make sense to me.

amy55

Hi torn, You know what? When I first joined here I might have gotten upset with a response like the one above. Just know that it is true.

Hopefully this guy is taking it seriously. There is also a lot of growing up that he needs to do. I am a RA. He will need to learn how to deal with things like an adult would. There is more to recovery then to just put the drink down. You need to learn your emotions, feel your emotions, and deal with your emotions.

Your whole sense of being kind of stops when you start using to dull the pain of feelings and emotions.

He doesn't even know himself right now, so it's kind of pointless for you to expect him to be the same person that he was before recovery if he ever really does put in the hard work to working at recovery.

It really does not have to do with you at all. I know that is hard to imagine or to believe.

Just stay with us, read up as much as you can about alcoholism.

Learn the 3 C's.

It's confusing, no doubt. Just know that we understand and take care of yourself.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

suncatcher

I went through a similar situation with my xabf. I was there for him through a lot and felt betrayed when he would disappear and I didn't hear from him for days sometimes weeks. Then I decided that it was time for me to move on and take care of myself. At first it was hard and I used to feel anxious and want to reach out to him. Reading and posting here helped me get through those times. Just use the time to care for yourself and let him take care of himself and work his program. Don't take his behavior personally. Easier said than done, I know but take the energy you would use to focus on him and put that kind of energy toward yourself.

CodeJob

Welcome Torn.

I am sorry your relationship with this person who you care about deeply is on hold. I do not like not having control in a relationship. Because then I feel vulnerable. Also I take a lot of personal gratification from being there for people in trouble. I have a deep wish to save people and that in turn will make me indispensable to them.

Now I can't say you have a similar issue. But you can work on you while this person works on himself. You can care for him from a distance and give him the space he needs to hopefully right himself.

Best wishes.

MissFixit

There is a thread floating around here about letting people go. Anyone who wants to end things with you and move on, then let them go. They are not worth it.

Hammer, could you post it? I don't know how to do that and don't know where the link is.

Tentindependent

This?
Madea - Let em' Go on Vimeo

dandylion

To the administrators---I wonder if the link about letting them go--Madea......could be made into a sticky? There have been lots of requests for it since Hammer so wisely brought it to our attention!!!

I think it is truly a classic and could reach many people who need to hear it.

dandylion

dandylion

Dear torn---there could be many different reasons that he has for his actions. You may never know what they are. It has to do with whatever is swirling around in his own head.
You did mention that he has not been exactly the picture of emotional health....!?

Whatever you did for him in the past....just consider it a "gift".......and let it go,
at that. A true gift is given freely with no expectation of anything in return---otherwise it is a manipulation...a leverage, of sorts.

If he is m issing out on your "good thing", then, it is his fault and his loss!! Not your bad.

One thing for sure---you are the one who is sitting gnashing your teeth and grinding out your heart. He is not doing the same for you. He is skipping down the lane.

dandylion

suncatcher

I agree with dandylion! The madea let them go should be a sticky! Best advice ever!

Hammer

Many A's are Users.

They Use Drugs, Alcohol, Things and People.

If they cannot find a way to use you, you become useless to them.

You understand this may not be a bad thing, for you?

NYCDoglvr

I suggest Alanon, which helped me let go of a sick person. Do you want to continue on this yo-yo with someone who isn't capable of any kind of relationship?

BlueSkies1

Sounds to me like he has brought a lot more drama to your life than you have ever brought to his.
Odd isn't it how sometimes people take what is true about themselves, and point the finger on others accusing them of their faults?

torn1008

Thank you all so much for you advise. I watched the Madea video. It really hits home!! I realize that Letting go is exactly what I need to do. Why am I exerting all this mental energy on someone who has obviously moved on. I guess my ego was hurt. He had a way of making me feel like I was so special to him so I guess I was taken back by his decision to walk away from me. Funny, I stood by him through all his terrible actions and he is the one who walks away. Ironic really!

torn1008

Hammer you are so right. He is very much a user and again your right, it is a blessing in disguise. The buddy I mentioned before that he is now hanging out with again is someone he once told me he would never trust or tell anything personal too because he didn't feel that he was trust worthy. Funny how now they have become so close but that's not my concern anymore. I have to learn to just "let go". I cant save him. I'll just continue to wish him well and lasting sobriety from a distance.

MesaMan

If you can process what's going on and somehow 'let go', you'll start to integrate a REAL handy Lesson that keeps many of us Sober and on track. That Lesson: Life Ain't Fair.

Yep, he should be grateful and respond, perhaps. It ain't fair that he doesn't/won't. That's a major Pisser in Life to have to swallow and accept. Major.

On these Threads, one reads of Folks paying $10,000 for the Rehab of a loved one. And, the Rehabbed goes back to Drinking, or runs off with some Alk. It's irreversible. MAJOR Pisser.

Option #1: burn with resentment. 'I'll show me', as I like to say. Option #2: dig down deep and process that substantial unfairness, and move on without becoming jaded or bitter.

I'm not gonna claim to be a Zen Master at all this, but I acknowledge this ideal is an elevated state of being worth striving for. To do so lessens my chances of a Relapse [not that that's imminent], and saves my Stomach Lining.

I win.