ramble on
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
ramble on
So I'm trying to stick with my goal of moving out of ABF's house by the beginning of September. I am having some conflicts though. Other than my own war going on in my head about going through with it or not, I can't seem to find a pro-bono or affordable lawyer. I don't need anything else right now from them other than advice, and no one will respond to my inquiries. Its frustrating.
Its making me feel like my situation isn't worth it. I know it is for the most part. But I keep questioning myself. Is it really that bad? Am I just being selfish? I'm questioning normal, is his drinking 2-6packs a night okay since he's not drinking hard alcohol?
Am I being selfish for wanting to do something for myself, even if its not exactly what he would want me to do? Am I harming my daughter by breaking her family apart or am I helping her?
I need to ask my HP. I'm having a hard time finding the right path I'm supposed to be on, I keep praying for a sign but I think I'm asking for the wrong things.
Sorry about the somewhat ramble....Its in the high 80's in my office...someone stole our air units to the building....
Its making me feel like my situation isn't worth it. I know it is for the most part. But I keep questioning myself. Is it really that bad? Am I just being selfish? I'm questioning normal, is his drinking 2-6packs a night okay since he's not drinking hard alcohol?
Am I being selfish for wanting to do something for myself, even if its not exactly what he would want me to do? Am I harming my daughter by breaking her family apart or am I helping her?
I need to ask my HP. I'm having a hard time finding the right path I'm supposed to be on, I keep praying for a sign but I think I'm asking for the wrong things.
Sorry about the somewhat ramble....Its in the high 80's in my office...someone stole our air units to the building....
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Blossom, I've been where you are, asking myself "is it really that bad?" I didn't even know he'd been drinking secretly for years...he had a job, didn't abuse me--was it really a problem?
Well, he wasn't overtly drunk, no, but he surely wasn't present for daily life. He'd never remember anything we talked about and just wasn't there. Once I'd found out about the drinking, lying, taking money from our savings and so on, he started downhill fast. This was not the person I wanted to spend my life with, especially if this was the best it would ever be.
It's a tough spot. On the one hand, folks here will tell you that if you're not sure what to do, then waiting is best until you are sure. On the other hand, you'll also hear that if you keep on putting up w/things that are unacceptable, your definition of "unacceptable" will keep getting moved farther and farther down the scale, and that you'll always be waiting for something "bad enough" to happen so you can leave him. Both are true.
Talking to your HP is a good idea; talking to a sponsor or Alanon group would likely help too. Posting here at SR is of course a good idea also.
I hope you find some clarity and some peace.
Well, he wasn't overtly drunk, no, but he surely wasn't present for daily life. He'd never remember anything we talked about and just wasn't there. Once I'd found out about the drinking, lying, taking money from our savings and so on, he started downhill fast. This was not the person I wanted to spend my life with, especially if this was the best it would ever be.
It's a tough spot. On the one hand, folks here will tell you that if you're not sure what to do, then waiting is best until you are sure. On the other hand, you'll also hear that if you keep on putting up w/things that are unacceptable, your definition of "unacceptable" will keep getting moved farther and farther down the scale, and that you'll always be waiting for something "bad enough" to happen so you can leave him. Both are true.
Talking to your HP is a good idea; talking to a sponsor or Alanon group would likely help too. Posting here at SR is of course a good idea also.
I hope you find some clarity and some peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hi Blossom,
I pray for an answer to that question too. Instead of an answer I felt compelled to do the steps. So in a year I made it to 4. In my heart I feel I know I will know how to proceed when I make my amends to my RAH. My sponsor agrees with this approach and has been very patient as some days I am pouring out awful memories of my marriage and the next I realize I pushed away his love because I didn't feel I deserved it. Self discovery, figuring out my faults and how I fell into this relationship THEN stayed is criticAl for me. If I do leave, I want to be sure I have learned enough to not fall in with another Addict.
But I do have a boundary in place - relapse = done. I have seen others here bend that. But for me, I gave alcohol too much room on the front end of my marriage. It gets zero clearance on the battered side. I am fearful I will bend too, but I have promised myself I am not going back. Working the steps has helped me put myself and weigh myself more equally in relationships.
Your A is still active. You have every right to put some distance between you and the A. My H drank beer too. He played all kinds of games with himself with how he bought it, how large the containers were, what brand, % alcohol! etc. And since I was not a counter or much of a nagger, he didn't do this charade for me. He was snowing himself. My H would buy a case - so that was 15? In no time he would drive drunk up the street to get another case. So it was easy to maintain 18 or so a night? And I heard all the arguments "it's just beer." "At least I am home". "It's good for you." "It's mostly water." "Everyone I know does this to relax." Whatever. I didn't argue. Hopeless to argue with an A in love with his drink of choice.
Think through your thought process and see if you are valuing yourself equally to all the other players in this equation. And if you can't think straight, go for a separation to get some mental clarity.
Peace and wisdom to you,
I pray for an answer to that question too. Instead of an answer I felt compelled to do the steps. So in a year I made it to 4. In my heart I feel I know I will know how to proceed when I make my amends to my RAH. My sponsor agrees with this approach and has been very patient as some days I am pouring out awful memories of my marriage and the next I realize I pushed away his love because I didn't feel I deserved it. Self discovery, figuring out my faults and how I fell into this relationship THEN stayed is criticAl for me. If I do leave, I want to be sure I have learned enough to not fall in with another Addict.
But I do have a boundary in place - relapse = done. I have seen others here bend that. But for me, I gave alcohol too much room on the front end of my marriage. It gets zero clearance on the battered side. I am fearful I will bend too, but I have promised myself I am not going back. Working the steps has helped me put myself and weigh myself more equally in relationships.
Your A is still active. You have every right to put some distance between you and the A. My H drank beer too. He played all kinds of games with himself with how he bought it, how large the containers were, what brand, % alcohol! etc. And since I was not a counter or much of a nagger, he didn't do this charade for me. He was snowing himself. My H would buy a case - so that was 15? In no time he would drive drunk up the street to get another case. So it was easy to maintain 18 or so a night? And I heard all the arguments "it's just beer." "At least I am home". "It's good for you." "It's mostly water." "Everyone I know does this to relax." Whatever. I didn't argue. Hopeless to argue with an A in love with his drink of choice.
Think through your thought process and see if you are valuing yourself equally to all the other players in this equation. And if you can't think straight, go for a separation to get some mental clarity.
Peace and wisdom to you,
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Even if you stick with the plan to move out in september, it does not mean that you can't move back in a year down the road, if he decides to straighten up.
It's not set in stone, you can always go back if things change. Or, you may move out and get mad at yourself that you didn't do it sooner!
You never know, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
It's not set in stone, you can always go back if things change. Or, you may move out and get mad at yourself that you didn't do it sooner!
You never know, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
A 12 pack a night is definitely alcoholic drinking. That is the same as having 12 whiskey and cokes.
The advice on this thread is golden and I cannot add to it. Good luck and keep posting.
The advice on this thread is golden and I cannot add to it. Good luck and keep posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Blossom, I've been where you are, asking myself "is it really that bad?" I didn't even know he'd been drinking secretly for years...he had a job, didn't abuse me--was it really a problem?
Well, he wasn't overtly drunk, no, but he surely wasn't present for daily life. He'd never remember anything we talked about and just wasn't there. Once I'd found out about the drinking, lying, taking money from our savings and so on, he started downhill fast. This was not the person I wanted to spend my life with, especially if this was the best it would ever be.
Well, he wasn't overtly drunk, no, but he surely wasn't present for daily life. He'd never remember anything we talked about and just wasn't there. Once I'd found out about the drinking, lying, taking money from our savings and so on, he started downhill fast. This was not the person I wanted to spend my life with, especially if this was the best it would ever be.
He doesn't remember any of the conversations we have. At first that hurt me the most, the heart to hearts at night and then the next morning it being as if they never happened. I don't want to spend my life with someone like this either.
In2pieces, you are right. Even if I leave and he turns it around for the better because of that, and wants to work it out then we could. And I think you are spot on when you say I will leave and be mad at myself for not leaving sooner. I can see that happening before the other scenario!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Blossom717
I can't seem to find a pro-bono or affordable lawyer. I don't need anything else right now from them other than advice, and no one will respond to my inquiries. Its frustrating.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
The couny that I live in offers workshops that will offer guidance and attorney services about every six weeks or so. A good strategy might be to continue with your plans for September, while gathering divrce info from a municipal entity. You can pursue the divorce after you leave.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Refiner - I've approached actual firms as well as the legal aid society in my region. They aren't accepting any new people/referrals.
Yurt- I'm going to continue with my plans, but its a little frustrating! We aren't married so I don't need a divorce, just information on custody rights.
Yurt- I'm going to continue with my plans, but its a little frustrating! We aren't married so I don't need a divorce, just information on custody rights.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
If you go talk to the people at the courthouse when you fill out the paperwork, they might be able to have someone to refer you to. Or, if you file for child support, they have a lawyer that would definitely give you some information.
Chances are, you have to do it yourself, but in my state there is legal aid which would help you fill out the paperwork and file motions and all that stuff. They just don't go to court with you. But either child support or equity would know where they are located.
Chances are, you have to do it yourself, but in my state there is legal aid which would help you fill out the paperwork and file motions and all that stuff. They just don't go to court with you. But either child support or equity would know where they are located.
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