Do they mean what they say?
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Do they mean what they say?
When a person is drunk do they mean what they say? Do they realize what the words mean and the anger and emotion they express? Hubby says he does not mean what he says or claims not to remember after the fact. I don't know what to believe. Sometimes he says bad things about me. Normally when he is not drunk, he isn't like that. How do I know if he means what he says when he is drunk? 
I am so confused. I don't know what to think as these behaviors are new. 
I am not sure how to respond to him when he is drunk and wants to talk. He speech is so slurred that I have a hard time understanding. His thoughts are incomplete or not expressed properly and I don't want to try to listen. It's too exhausting to try to understand what he is trying to say. 
The other day someone broke into hubby's truck. After the police came he got drunk. A neighbor showed him photos of the people who broke in to the truck. Then he took himself for a walk with his gun. He said in a slurred words, I don't remember the exact words that he found the people who did it. He threatened to hurt them if they ever did anything again. It shocked me that he would behave in such a manner.
I feel like he is developing mental illness to go along with the alcoholism. Ideas please.
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Originally Posted by rosepetals 
When a person is drunk do they mean what they say? Do they realize what the words mean and the anger and emotion they express? Hubby says he does not mean what he says or claims not to remember after the fact. I don't know what to believe. Sometimes he says bad things about me. Normally when he is not drunk, he isn't like that. How do I know if he means what he says when he is drunk? I am so confused. I don't know what to think as these behaviors are new. I am not sure how to respond to him when he is drunk and wants to talk. He speech is so slurred that I have a hard time understanding. His thoughts are incomplete or not expressed properly and I don't want to try to listen. It's too exhausting to try to understand what he is trying to say. The other day someone broke into hubby's truck. After the police came he got drunk. A neighbor showed him photos of the people who broke in to the truck. Then he took himself for a walk with his gun. He said in a slurred words, I don't remember the exact words that he found the people who did it. He threatened to hurt them if they ever did anything again. It shocked me that he would behave in such a manner.
I feel like he is developing mental illness to go along with the alcoholism. Ideas please.
In Jesus name, amen
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have you ever got angry and said something to someone and hurt them ?
did you mean it or not ? when ou calmed down ?
many people do mean it when they say things out of anger as they can not keep whatever it is inside them to themselves anymore so out it comes
familys end up in wars because of these silly outbursts that can hurt people
when i was drunk the first idea that came into my head was a good one i hated everyone including my ex wife for hurts she ever did for me
when i was sober those hurts didnt really mean to me as much as they do when i was drunk
so although i might of ment some of things i said that i wouldn't of said had i been sober
the point is everyone has things they would really love to say to people but they keep them to themselves as they dont want to hurt people or start a war
so really i would say yes he means everything he says drunk but he wouldnt say them sober as they dont mean the same to him sober
for example if i said i love you sober and then said i hated you drunk then sobered up again i would love you again as i am sober now and back in my right frame of mind
i wouldn't hate you at all, i might hate things that you do sober and i can mix that up when drunk
at the end of the day you have 2 people one drunk one sober dr Jekyll or mr hide and mr hide will try to show himself sober or drunk but because there sober dr jekyll has a chance of living
and i take it you love this dr jekyll and dont like mr hide but you can not get to mr hide when the person is sober as he hides away and can not be touched
only dr jekyll can give mr hide a punch on the nose and tell him were to go daily but it takes no booze and a new way to live
dont know if i make any sense to you but its not quite as easy as thinking he means what he says drunk
did you mean it or not ? when ou calmed down ?
many people do mean it when they say things out of anger as they can not keep whatever it is inside them to themselves anymore so out it comes
familys end up in wars because of these silly outbursts that can hurt people
when i was drunk the first idea that came into my head was a good one i hated everyone including my ex wife for hurts she ever did for me
when i was sober those hurts didnt really mean to me as much as they do when i was drunk
so although i might of ment some of things i said that i wouldn't of said had i been sober
the point is everyone has things they would really love to say to people but they keep them to themselves as they dont want to hurt people or start a war
so really i would say yes he means everything he says drunk but he wouldnt say them sober as they dont mean the same to him sober
for example if i said i love you sober and then said i hated you drunk then sobered up again i would love you again as i am sober now and back in my right frame of mind
i wouldn't hate you at all, i might hate things that you do sober and i can mix that up when drunk
at the end of the day you have 2 people one drunk one sober dr Jekyll or mr hide and mr hide will try to show himself sober or drunk but because there sober dr jekyll has a chance of living
and i take it you love this dr jekyll and dont like mr hide but you can not get to mr hide when the person is sober as he hides away and can not be touched
only dr jekyll can give mr hide a punch on the nose and tell him were to go daily but it takes no booze and a new way to live
dont know if i make any sense to you but its not quite as easy as thinking he means what he says drunk
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I would really address the situation about him being wasted and taking off with a loaded gun. I hope you called the police on that one. Any number of people could have gotten hurt.
Words are just that, words. They have no bearing on you unless you let them. My XABF called me all kinds of things when trashed. I considered the source.
Words are just that, words. They have no bearing on you unless you let them. My XABF called me all kinds of things when trashed. I considered the source.
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Him taking a walk with a loaded gun has no good endings. The best you can hope for is that comes back and nothing happened - which is guaranteed if he never leaves in the first place.
On the issue of can you believe them? In my case it was no. And yes we totally forget what we said at times.
On the issue of can you believe them? In my case it was no. And yes we totally forget what we said at times.
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I know I've said things when I've been in a state of emotional upheaval that I totally meant right when I was saying them. Five minutes later? Not so much. But they were never things directed at other people. They were never mean things.
I tend to think that drunkenness brings out what's inside a person. It doesn't put something there that wasn't there to begin with. I've often said that there is not enough alcohol in the world to make me call my husband names, tell him he's useless and should go kill himself, or threaten him. There's not enough alcohol in the world to make me cheat on him. I do believe those are behaviors that show that something is rotten inside that person to begin with.
So even if he means the mean things he says about you -- that has nothing to do with who you are. It only has something to do with who he is.
I tend to think that drunkenness brings out what's inside a person. It doesn't put something there that wasn't there to begin with. I've often said that there is not enough alcohol in the world to make me call my husband names, tell him he's useless and should go kill himself, or threaten him. There's not enough alcohol in the world to make me cheat on him. I do believe those are behaviors that show that something is rotten inside that person to begin with.
So even if he means the mean things he says about you -- that has nothing to do with who you are. It only has something to do with who he is.
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Originally Posted by rosepetals
I am not sure how to respond to him when he is drunk and wants to talk. He speech is so slurred that I have a hard time understanding. His thoughts are incomplete or not expressed properly and I don't want to try to listen. It's too exhausting to try to understand what he is trying to say. I feel like he is developing mental illness to go along with the alcoholism. Ideas please.
The gun toting is very disturbing.
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Originally Posted by lillamy
I know I've said things when I've been in a state of emotional upheaval that I totally meant right when I was saying them. Five minutes later? Not so much. But they were never things directed at other people. They were never mean things.
I tend to think that drunkenness brings out what's inside a person. It doesn't put something there that wasn't there to begin with. I've often said that there is not enough alcohol in the world to make me call my husband names, tell him he's useless and should go kill himself, or threaten him. There's not enough alcohol in the world to make me cheat on him. I do believe those are behaviors that show that something is rotten inside that person to begin with.
So even if he means the mean things he says about you -- that has nothing to do with who you are. It only has something to do with who he is.
I tend to think that drunkenness brings out what's inside a person. It doesn't put something there that wasn't there to begin with. I've often said that there is not enough alcohol in the world to make me call my husband names, tell him he's useless and should go kill himself, or threaten him. There's not enough alcohol in the world to make me cheat on him. I do believe those are behaviors that show that something is rotten inside that person to begin with.
So even if he means the mean things he says about you -- that has nothing to do with who you are. It only has something to do with who he is.
sadly we are not all like that alcoholics or none alcoholics
what i do know about me is a have a good heart if i let it out and show it but for some reason i have this very bad side of my nature that i have to fight with to let out the good side to me
i am nuts and i know it when i compare myself to someone like you who doesnt seem to have my mental illness you dont have to fight to be good you will just do it natural
i have to learn how to do it and i have to practice it everyday of my life
the good news is that it works and works well as i dont have to fight so hard anymore to try to be good and i can think twice most times before i open my mouth and hurt anyone with it
but it does take practice for me to learn. and time as it doesn't happen over night and sadly i will never ever be totaly free from my bad side of my nature as it will always be there but so long as i do the right things then it never has a chance to show its ugly head
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The first thing to go is emotional stability. Alcohol leads the mind further and further away from rationality with every sip, soon the person is in a state of mostly emotion and very little logic.
Then judgement goes out the window right about the time that motor skills become compromised.
If the person is engaging in blackout drinking, they may sound coherent, but the speed and volume of alcohol intake means the brain becomes incapable of creating memories of the situation.
By the time a person reaches a state of advanced inebriation, they have difficulties focusing and cannot concentrate easily.
When a person reaches that condition, what they have to say is not worth hearing.
Then judgement goes out the window right about the time that motor skills become compromised.
If the person is engaging in blackout drinking, they may sound coherent, but the speed and volume of alcohol intake means the brain becomes incapable of creating memories of the situation.
By the time a person reaches a state of advanced inebriation, they have difficulties focusing and cannot concentrate easily.
When a person reaches that condition, what they have to say is not worth hearing.
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Originally Posted by littlefish
The first thing to go is emotional stability. Alcohol leads the mind further and further away from rationality with every sip, soon the person is in a state of mostly emotion and very little logic.
Then judgement goes out the window right about the time that motor skills become compromised.
If the person is engaging in blackout drinking, they may sound coherent, but the speed and volume of alcohol intake means the brain becomes incapable of creating memories of the situation.
By the time a person reaches a state of advanced inebriation, they have difficulties focusing and cannot concentrate easily.
When a person reaches that condition, what they have to say is not worth hearing.
Then judgement goes out the window right about the time that motor skills become compromised.
If the person is engaging in blackout drinking, they may sound coherent, but the speed and volume of alcohol intake means the brain becomes incapable of creating memories of the situation.
By the time a person reaches a state of advanced inebriation, they have difficulties focusing and cannot concentrate easily.
When a person reaches that condition, what they have to say is not worth hearing.
thanks for that it clears up a mistry for me i never truly understood i just accepted it was a black out caused by drinking to much but not the part of how the brain works in that circumstance
not being funny here but i will have to try to remember that lol
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I don't think he is blacking out. He goes to sleep in the recliner or bed. Or is this passing out??? I feel so confused as to the term. Or do you mean unconscious?
Often he walks normal and you wouldn't know he is drunk. But his speech changes, it gets slurred. When he is like this I try not to engage in conversation as he is too hard to understand and his thinking becomes illogical.
The who thing is drugs and drinking is illogical. Its so bizarre a person like me who has never been drunk or even drank alcohol is now married to a drunk. The weird thing is sometimes he can process or think when he is drunk, other times it's like I am living with a stranger. One I would choose not to be with. The back and forth changes are confusing. I never know which person he really is. Is he the nice man I married or the stranger I don't trust?
So what happens next with drinking? He is drinking 2 of the 40 oz. beers a day, the high alcohol content. I found out he has been doing it off and on since his teens. Is there any hope in a situation like this?
He does not want to stop. But he also has had many of his friends die from drinking after retiring. He has said he does not want to be like them, but now he is. Is there a way to convince one to go get treatment? I would love ideas.
Sungrl, I didn't call the cops. He said he was going for a walk behind the house in the greenbelt. The area is brush, dried grasses, trees, and a creek. Sometimes there are spooky people living back there.
Often he walks normal and you wouldn't know he is drunk. But his speech changes, it gets slurred. When he is like this I try not to engage in conversation as he is too hard to understand and his thinking becomes illogical.
The who thing is drugs and drinking is illogical. Its so bizarre a person like me who has never been drunk or even drank alcohol is now married to a drunk. The weird thing is sometimes he can process or think when he is drunk, other times it's like I am living with a stranger. One I would choose not to be with. The back and forth changes are confusing. I never know which person he really is. Is he the nice man I married or the stranger I don't trust?
So what happens next with drinking? He is drinking 2 of the 40 oz. beers a day, the high alcohol content. I found out he has been doing it off and on since his teens. Is there any hope in a situation like this?
He does not want to stop. But he also has had many of his friends die from drinking after retiring. He has said he does not want to be like them, but now he is. Is there a way to convince one to go get treatment? I would love ideas.
Sungrl, I didn't call the cops. He said he was going for a walk behind the house in the greenbelt. The area is brush, dried grasses, trees, and a creek. Sometimes there are spooky people living back there.
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you are in a far more dangerous situation than you realize. no way in hell would i stay under the same roof with a drunk who is armed. yes he is unbalanced, yes his brain is saturated with alcohol, yes his tolerance is changing, and yes he is making very rash decisions that will end badly for at least one person.
stop trying to talk or rationalize with anyone who is under the influence. ask yourself, why even bother? and then ask yourself is this is how you want to live your life?
stop trying to talk or rationalize with anyone who is under the influence. ask yourself, why even bother? and then ask yourself is this is how you want to live your life?
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Blackouts: During an alcoholic blackout, you can have a complete conversation, make sense during that conversation, play cards - even win at cards - and do all sorts of other seemingly normal things, you just don't remember it (or at least not all of it).
Sounds like he just passed out on the recliner to me.
GTFO of there. The walks in the greenbelt sound pretty dangerous to me, the gun thing takes it over the top.
Sounds like he just passed out on the recliner to me.
GTFO of there. The walks in the greenbelt sound pretty dangerous to me, the gun thing takes it over the top.
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i am nuts and i know it when i compare myself to someone like you who doesnt seem to have my mental illness you dont have to fight to be good you will just do it natural
I'm sorry if my post sounded like I don't have sympathy for alcoholics -- I do. It's a horrid disease to deal with, and while I didn't much like dealing with it from a wife's perspective, I am somewhere grateful that I never have had to deal with it from an addicts perspective.
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Originally Posted by lillamy
Pete -- I don't think I'm naturally good. It's just that -- even if I felt like I wanted to say those mean things, I would have a filter that stopped me. Because I know they would be temporary, if that makes sense?
I'm sorry if my post sounded like I don't have sympathy for alcoholics -- I do. It's a horrid disease to deal with, and while I didn't much like dealing with it from a wife's perspective, I am somewhere grateful that I never have had to deal with it from an addicts perspective.
I'm sorry if my post sounded like I don't have sympathy for alcoholics -- I do. It's a horrid disease to deal with, and while I didn't much like dealing with it from a wife's perspective, I am somewhere grateful that I never have had to deal with it from an addicts perspective.
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Rosepetals, you husband sounds just like mine, he acts in exactly the same way (minus the gun).
I used to try to engage, placate, talk things through because he insisted he wanted to, and said he only felt like he cold talk honestly whilst he had a drink in his hand. I got used totalling to him to way, and couldn't disengage (he'd also tantrum if I tried to nod or walk away). Then he'd leave because I didn't love him enough...I'd beg him to come home and we'd start the cycle all over again.
I told myself over and over...he didn't mean what he said, forget what he does and says whilst drunk, he's not accountable if he can't even remember, it's ok.
But the fact is that it DID hurt, it wasn't ok, it was verbal and emotional abuse.
My AH has progressed...he used to apologise and feel remorse. Now he doesn't bother. Also he's drunk so often that this behaviour has bled over into the 'other' 'nicer' personality and that side of him is slowly disappearing. His good and nasty side are combining to become one bitter drunk who just needs to hurt others. On sober recovery I learned what littlefish has written so well....my head 'got it', my heart took a little longer to follow. When I really believed it I started to detach.
When (as 911111 says) my kids started witnessing this nastiness, and then it started to subtly and no so subtly include them I knew I'd reached my tolerance and that I couldn't live like that anymore. I also realised (and this is just me...not projecting this to you) that I was just as complicit in the damage that was being done to my precious children.
It's a journey.....take good care.
I used to try to engage, placate, talk things through because he insisted he wanted to, and said he only felt like he cold talk honestly whilst he had a drink in his hand. I got used totalling to him to way, and couldn't disengage (he'd also tantrum if I tried to nod or walk away). Then he'd leave because I didn't love him enough...I'd beg him to come home and we'd start the cycle all over again.
I told myself over and over...he didn't mean what he said, forget what he does and says whilst drunk, he's not accountable if he can't even remember, it's ok.
But the fact is that it DID hurt, it wasn't ok, it was verbal and emotional abuse.
My AH has progressed...he used to apologise and feel remorse. Now he doesn't bother. Also he's drunk so often that this behaviour has bled over into the 'other' 'nicer' personality and that side of him is slowly disappearing. His good and nasty side are combining to become one bitter drunk who just needs to hurt others. On sober recovery I learned what littlefish has written so well....my head 'got it', my heart took a little longer to follow. When I really believed it I started to detach.
When (as 911111 says) my kids started witnessing this nastiness, and then it started to subtly and no so subtly include them I knew I'd reached my tolerance and that I couldn't live like that anymore. I also realised (and this is just me...not projecting this to you) that I was just as complicit in the damage that was being done to my precious children.
It's a journey.....take good care.
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I wonder if at some point, it doesn't really matter if they mean it or not, and what's important becomes the behavior and the effect it has, not the intent behind it. (And I gotta say, the behavior of some drunk, angry guy wandering around with a firearm has the effect of scaring the h-e-double hockey sticks outta me.) So maybe that's how we should approach our A's: respond to the specific behavour we observe, not whatever meaning we project trying to make sense out of it.
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