I do .. or don't

Old 02-06-2002, 09:43 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Post I do .. or don't

Things have been going really well with me and my A. He has been sober for 18 days now (early days I know). But we have been really happy. However, I can't help but keep thinking that any day now he will start drinking and things will go downhill again..
It's an ever present fear that is scarying me to death.

He wants us to set a date for a wedding soon and I don't feel like I can with his problem. There are no guarantees with A's and I really don't know if I can marry him..His response is "well what are we doing then?.. we need to move forward in our life".

I don't agree with him because if I'm not ready to marry him I shouldn't. Similarly, if I don't want to be with an A, I shouldn't be with him at all....

I am confused because I love him and I want to marry him BUT for his alcoholism.....

Also reading all the posts here have made me realise that it is a problem that the whole family has to deal with for LIFE. Does anyone know of any happy and stable A families?

I am very confused.


Old 02-07-2002, 01:49 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
smoke gets in my eyes's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416

Hi Caitlyn...
I wish I could find the recent post where someone was saying that their anon group encouraged attending meetings for about 6 mos before making any major life changes regarding the addict. It sounds like good advice. Marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life... what can waiting a few months to really figure things out hurt? I know personally of a couple of marriages where the A has given up the substance and things seem just fine. But I also know, that of all my friends that have married, the ones who have gone ahead with serious doubts in their mind have not lasted.
I hope your boyfriend will understand the need for giving this decision a little more time.

smoke gets in my eyes is offline  
Old 02-07-2002, 05:11 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 16

Actually, 6 months is being generous..I have always counseled and what I have learned in the rooms is: No major "decisions or changes" for the "first" year...either one, the motive is to allow time for the A to focus on his recovery...without having major distractions. For the significant other, this is a healthy suggestion also...Marriage is meant to be a life long commitment. "For better or for worse." "In sickness, and in health" Two serious vows... Think it through..You indicate you have doubts..If the relationship is meant to be..It will survive the "waiting period" Lord knows we have a high enough divorce rate as it is, and too many children being raised in single parent homes.

The fact that your A only has 18 days..and is talking about marriage indicates to me he is already building his recovery on a shaky foundation..Is he in a support group, recovery group..?

As to your last point..You are correct..alcoholism touches the entire family. It alters the family dynamics, and is devistating.. The only successful families I am aware of are the ones who are getting help, the A, the significant other, and even the children...You would be amazed at the number of, and how the kids are touched by alcoholism. They grow up to be Adult Children of Alcoholics..It is very sad..But there is hope...If the A follows the suggestions, we do recover.

Hope this helps.

Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm....

Redeemed is offline  
Old 02-07-2002, 09:55 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Vacaville
Posts: 94

As an "A", I need to say that in our program, we are usually advised to wait at least one year before making any major relationship changes. There are very good reasons for this, one of them being that you have to put your recovery first for awhile.
Marriage is a big step and not always in the right direction if one partner is not ready. I think that in this case, it is possible that neither of you is ready. You have stated yourself that you are not prepared for this commitment at this time and you should honor this feeling. For your own sake, don't marry if you're not ready. And think twice about anyon who would advise you otherwise.
As for your partner, if he is in recovery, he will need to get serious about doing some work to change the behaviors that made him drink in the first place. Marriage would only compound the issues he will have to work through because it will take his focus off of his program.
Every situation is different, though. I think that ultimately it boils down to what you are ready and willing to do. I say follow your heart. Don't pressure yourself to take on something that you're not sure you want. Go easy on yourself right now. I think you already know your answer.
Keep us posted, okay? Take care of you!

P.S. Thanks again for the just for fun post you did...I was laughing at those jokes all day!

The lie is dead...We do recover!

Gettin' Better!
Sick In The City is offline  

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