Well well well
 

Hey guys,

Well, as you all know, my last post was about the unfortunate incident poor SD encountered when she went to visit her paternal grandparents, who basically nagged her to contact her AM and said that if her AM drank it would be her fault. Nice. Since then, my MIL has phoned my husband to say that they didn't mean what they said to her and that it was an 'accident'. A flippant, off the cuff remark, maybe said in the heat of the moment, could be accepted. But, this was 25 minutes of a sustained onslaught of making this kid feel guilty and horrible. That was no accident. End of.

Anyway, yesterday SD and I were having one of our heart to hearts. I think, despite her grandparents making her feel so awful, that there is a part of her that would like to begin to think about talking to her AM. So, I asked her. She said that if her AM could prove sobriety (medically), and if the adults (meaning us and her AM) could open up the lines of communication, then she may, at some stage consider accepting 'the odd phone call'. She said she wanted her grandparents kept out of the loop, but we all know that they are far too involved with AM for that to happen. She did say that she didn't think her AM knew about what they'd said to her, because she felt sure that if AM did know she would have text her to offer her reassurance and support. Surely? So I asked her if she wanted me to do anything and she said she wanted me to text her mum to see if she knew how her grandparents had treated her. At 4.35pm yesterday, I sent her mum a text, very basic, saying "Hi, it's NikNox. X has asked me to text you because she's wondering if you're aware of what happened when she visited her grandparents two weeks ago". At midnight, I received a reply - "Yes I am. X (my FIL, SD's grandfather) is very upset and is sorry. He is old and just wants peace. SD has changed and I blame you. You have torn apart what is a mendable situation. Shame on you for your greed". Hmm, slightly baffling, as I had, kind of, expected something like "No, what?" or "Gosh yes, I am so sorry she had to endure that. Please assure her that my drinking has nothing to do with her". But no, it seems she is more concerned with how my FIL is feeling and blaming me. Great, does anyone except my husband, my family and me actually care about this kid?? It seems not.

Today at teatime I got another text from her telling me that it seems I am pushing for 'sides' in this and that she knows her daughter loves her and they will resume their bond soon. I had to reply. So I did, and I told her a few home truths, and I didn't spare the horses so to speak. We shall see I guess, but it felt gooooood!!!!

I've been astonished time after time at the crazy depth of the alcoholic blame game.

Good grief! That poor kid is so lucky to have you and her dad.

SD will learn eventually just what she's dealing with. It's part of growing up with an A parent. And God, it sucks.

It does suck, big time, but actually we're okay this evening. We don't need them, we have our priorities right in that SD comes first, always. I made it clear to AM that SD's grandparents siding with and supporting the woman who ruined their granddaughters childhood, & potentially her adulthood, can only be viewed one way - wrong! She commented that she cannot believe SD wants her out of their lives. I said "really? You are actually questioning that? You aren't related to them, you are nothing to do with them, yet they favour you over her. How the hell do you think that makes her feel? They are supporting their grandchild's abuser". All she said after that was "my kids wanted for nothing when they were growing up - PlayStation, clothes & my love". I commented that that was alright then, clearly she is parent of the year & what do I know about it all!

Haven't heard back from her & I don't really want to. She's not normal!

Alcoholics and the mentally ill are experts at rewriting history, especially as it concerns their parenting skills.
Hugs to your SD, she has a treasure in you.

Oh she always maintained that her "parenting" was first class! Laughable now, but when we were desperately concerned about SD's welfare when she was living with her it was tortuous. Nothing was ever her fault, she had no sense of danger (according to her, leaving your 5 year old caring for her 1 year old sibling at home alone was perfectly acceptable & when my husband had a go at her about it she accused him of "picking" on her & being over-protective) and accused me of acquiring headlice to deliberately plant in SD's hair so we could accuse her of not dealing with them!!! Poor SD was bullied at school because the lice were so prolific, & was called "nit girl". That used to make me cry, I couldn't bear it, and we even bought treatments for her which AM would throw away!! But, of course, having a PlayStation made it all okay ......

It's upsetting how children can,become such innocent victims of their disease and they just refuse to see it. Geeze!

Hi Nixnox, your SD is lucky to have such caring parents as you and her father. Don't get too sucked in by the past with AM; you'll never win an argument with her. As my mother says 'maybe a little crack in heaven has opened up for you' (joking because I'm an atheist).

Thanks, I don't ever respond to her comments, because they're always out of context & usually blaming me for everything. It's quite amusing in some ways. When I asked her where her message of support & reassurance to her daughter was after she found out that SD had been told by my FIL that if she drank again it would be SD's fault, her response was the "my children wanted for nothing etc"comment. I think there's avoidance on her part, so perhaps she doesn't answer direct questions because she knows I'm right? God forbid she would ever admit that though! The way I see it she's not going to get anywhere with SD until she does start to openly admit that it's all her fault. Will that day ever come? Probably not, because I am the enemy!