Let's Talk About "Normal"
I'm just trying to not engage with him anymore and I'm accepting that he's more or less useless in the parenting realm. I can leave our girls with him to hit an alanon meeting but that's about the extent of his involvement. He just isn't capable of more than that. Now that I know this I'm able to dial down my expectations a lot.
I think my wants and needs are normalish but I'm asking a sick person to meet my needs. Then I ask him to meet the needs and wants of our kids like that's any different. He just isn't capable of doing those things and apparently he isn't capable of clearly communicating that to me either.
I have myself, I have my sponsor and I have my group of friends that I'm going to start referring to as my "chosen family." I don't need AH and our kids don't need AH. I do want him (our daughters obviously love him too) but I need to keep editing my expectations based on his actions. Right now he's just white knuckling. So he's basically useless to me on all fronts.
I think my wants and needs are normalish but I'm asking a sick person to meet my needs. Then I ask him to meet the needs and wants of our kids like that's any different. He just isn't capable of doing those things and apparently he isn't capable of clearly communicating that to me either.
I have myself, I have my sponsor and I have my group of friends that I'm going to start referring to as my "chosen family." I don't need AH and our kids don't need AH. I do want him (our daughters obviously love him too) but I need to keep editing my expectations based on his actions. Right now he's just white knuckling. So he's basically useless to me on all fronts.
Hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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Well I can't have what I want right now. I want AH to work his program again and stay working it because I love him. I want to have normal needs. I want to joke and have light talks and not worry about what he's doing. In normal relationships there is a seamless ebb and flow of give and take. I'm miss that dearly. My husband gives me money. In return I take care of our family. We're at basics right now and trying to learn how to routinely do these basic things together.
If a day comes that I don't want AH anymore (and it's not just an angry outburst but a sustained decision that I don't want him) then I'll move along. I do love AH, I hate alcoholism, I strongly dislike AH when he's drinking. The rest of the time he's actually pretty enjoyable to be around and I love our little family of 4 when he's trying to live life on life's terms. Our daughters love him when he's here and sober and I love soaking up all of that love.
I have a lot of work to do on myself to be deserving of the life and partner that I want. I see what I need to do and I clearly see it. The challenge for me is realizing that AH's work isn't mine and not expecting him to jump and accommodate me so I can do my work. I've been with AH since I was 18 and we've been stuck together like glue since then. I have a little ungluing that I need to do so that I can be at a normal, healthy place with him.
If a day comes that I don't want AH anymore (and it's not just an angry outburst but a sustained decision that I don't want him) then I'll move along. I do love AH, I hate alcoholism, I strongly dislike AH when he's drinking. The rest of the time he's actually pretty enjoyable to be around and I love our little family of 4 when he's trying to live life on life's terms. Our daughters love him when he's here and sober and I love soaking up all of that love.
I have a lot of work to do on myself to be deserving of the life and partner that I want. I see what I need to do and I clearly see it. The challenge for me is realizing that AH's work isn't mine and not expecting him to jump and accommodate me so I can do my work. I've been with AH since I was 18 and we've been stuck together like glue since then. I have a little ungluing that I need to do so that I can be at a normal, healthy place with him.
Well I can't have what I want right now. I want AH to work his program again and stay working it because I love him. I want to have normal needs. I want to joke and have light talks and not worry about what he's doing. In normal relationships there is a seamless ebb and flow of give and take. I'm miss that dearly. My husband gives me money. In return I take care of our family. We're at basics right now and trying to learn how to routinely do these basic things together.
If a day comes that I don't want AH anymore (and it's not just an angry outburst but a sustained decision that I don't want him) then I'll move along. I do love AH, I hate alcoholism, I strongly dislike AH when he's drinking. The rest of the time he's actually pretty enjoyable to be around and I love our little family of 4 when he's trying to live life on life's terms. Our daughters love him when he's here and sober and I love soaking up all of that love.
I have a lot of work to do on myself to be deserving of the life and partner that I want. I see what I need to do and I clearly see it. The challenge for me is realizing that AH's work isn't mine and not expecting him to jump and accommodate me so I can do my work. I've been with AH since I was 18 and we've been stuck together like glue since then. I have a little ungluing that I need to do so that I can be at a normal, healthy place with him.
If a day comes that I don't want AH anymore (and it's not just an angry outburst but a sustained decision that I don't want him) then I'll move along. I do love AH, I hate alcoholism, I strongly dislike AH when he's drinking. The rest of the time he's actually pretty enjoyable to be around and I love our little family of 4 when he's trying to live life on life's terms. Our daughters love him when he's here and sober and I love soaking up all of that love.
I have a lot of work to do on myself to be deserving of the life and partner that I want. I see what I need to do and I clearly see it. The challenge for me is realizing that AH's work isn't mine and not expecting him to jump and accommodate me so I can do my work. I've been with AH since I was 18 and we've been stuck together like glue since then. I have a little ungluing that I need to do so that I can be at a normal, healthy place with him.
It never occurred to me that as long as I was in a relationship where the balance was so off and one partner was so sick (even he had many good days), the relationship itself was unhealthy regardless of how much I loved him and the good times we did have. I wish that I had been more objective and brave. I wish that I saw how much more was out there and that waiting for the other shoe to drop or not being in charge of your own life was never a healthy or safe place to be. No matter how much I loved him or wanted us to be together.
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I wish that I had been more objective and brave. I wish that I saw how much more was out there and that waiting for the other shoe to drop or not being in charge of your own life was never a healthy or safe place to be. No matter how much I loved him or wanted us to be together.
As per Courage To Change for this morning "I am not a rocket scientist, a philosopher or a wizard…" I'm just a freaking person and I'm doing the very best that I can for today. I know there is a world of possibilities out there for me to do ANYTHING, not just in matters of romance or partnership, whether I'm with an alcoholic or not. Truth be told, even if AH and I do split, meeting anyone else would be so far down my list of priorities that this truly is a moot point.
I'd like to surf more, sail more, travel more, I'm greatly looking forward to the holidays this year without extended family drama and expectations and OMG my kids are at such a fun age for holidays, older DD is already pumped about Halloween, back to school is coming up, I already have big green oranges growing on my orange tree and I cannot wait to take my girls to pick apples at a local U Pick this weekend. None of that is hanging on the action or inaction of AH. I also don't need to be in a nurturing romantic relationship for life to be enjoyable or fun. Today I choose to stay with him. That's my choice. I get more out of being in a relationship with him than I would by not being in a relationship with him at the current moment. Ditto for my kids.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Stung yeah you!!! Loving all the strength I see in those words. The point for those of us who do decide to stay is that we STOP "waiting for the other shoe to drop" and get out of our A spouses way if and when it does. We rediscover ourselves independently from the A's thoughts and find value and happiness within ourselves.
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