FeelingGreat

I have a vague memory of a thing called a 'phone book'. Good for propping things up. Just caught up on your thread and can see how constructive you are being.

Physical violence aside (or threat of), yelling, punching objects, swearing etc. is the resort of men who can't express themselves. I've worked with a lot of young guys and they don't dissolve into tears like us gals, they swear and kick/punch objects.

I've found there's no point in talking too much to these individuals as they don't have the capacity to deal with emotional conversations. They do understand actions and consequences - it may not be what they like, but they're not required to talk! Writing a note is also effective as it gives them time to digest, and possibly reply in writing.

What you're doing is necessary and brave and I wish you all the best.

chicory

Thank you ladies.. you are such pals.

I have picked out two to call in the morning. both with adhd experience,and addiction, among many other things. they both accept my insurance. they are not psychiatrists, or psychologists,, but therapists with at least 10 years experience. they wrote a bit about themselves. wish me luck. and thanks again. I almost dont believe that I can get there.

Wahine, how tough that must have been. I hope he is doing well now. Good for you, in being a strong mom! and you are right. many challenged people work hard every day. I see it in the grocery I work for.

hugs

chicory

Thank you , Feeling Great! Perhaps I will write a letter. He tried to talk to me tonight, but it always gets heated, and I just refused to engage. Of course he was feeling worried that perhaps I am serious, so now he wants to 'talk' (argue) again.

he is always defensive immediately. thinks i sit here for hours thinking of ways to irritate him (his actual words tonight) good gosh, if I had nothing better to do than that- surely he does not believe that!
I know he's angry. I feel for him. But he is frozen, like me, into not acting. perhaps he will be able to get unfrozen, with some help.

hugs to all.

Hawkeye13

Of course, if he manages to "talk" to you you aren't going to change your plans
to shut off the internet are you?

That's what he's worried about I suspect--loss of comfort in the situation.

That's your best hope to get his attention. Do follow through and don't look back

chicory

HI Hawkeye.
Actually, I plan not to talk much to him at all about it, but am getting in to see a therapist first.

We don't have sit down talks... its more like he will begin to talk but then when he does not hear what he likes, he will just argue the point.

And of course, he has only selfish reasons for talking with me. thats his pattern.

chicory

Made an appt for July2! for me. yay!

Carlotta

Awesome
As far as him getting irritated by you, the remedy is simple: get a job, get your own place and then you won t be irritated.

hopeful4

Yay indeed! You are making good progress. It's not always easy to see in the panic moments, but I promise you are.

Tight Hugs...take good care of you!!!!

XXX

chicory

lol, Carlotta, if I have said that once to him, I have said it one hundred times...

hugs to all

chicory

thanks for the tight hugs! I have these ominous feeling moments, and some panic.. not even sure what makes that, but it passes. I will be so glad to get some help for myself.

this place is great, and I have gotten lots of help, but there is only so much you can actually say on here. I have gotten counselling in the way past, not for this issue , but never actually got a lot from it. I believe this time will be so much different, because I will be taking with me a lot of knowledge- about addiction, about codependency, etc.

have a great day everyone!

dandylion

chicory---that is great News! You have come a very long way in just 16days since your first post on this thread!

Once you start feeling the support and help from face-to-face persons...I think you will be astonished how your perspective will change.

Do you know the classic breathing exercise that stops feelings of panic or panic/anxiety attacks? If not--I will be happy to describe it....

You will have lots of time, now, to do background research and just plain old learning. Everything that you learn is another frame of reference.

I'm so happy to hear about the appointment....

dandylion

iSPAZ

Chicory - As far as blocking internet it is easy to block or allow individual devices. Every device has a unique identifier called a MAC address. No matter if it is connecting wireless or by wire. Most every router has the ability to MAC filter. You simply create a list of blocked devices, allowed devices or both. Many router also have the ability to block or allow during certain hours or days. If you know or can get the user and password to the router just use a web browser and plug in the ip address of the gateway and type in your credentials. Then look for MAC Filtering. You can usually get the MAC address from the router as you will see the connected devices or look at the device itself and the MAC address will be on it somewhere. To find the MAC address on a PC just pull up a CMD prompt and type in ipconfig /all in the list that pops up look for the physical address line. It will look something like this 00-08-c0-13-a4-01. This way you can use the internet all you want and limit what you do not want accessing it. Sorry you are dealing with this. Hugs!!

Carlotta

As you should, you are always so kind and helpful to everyone on SR, time or us to return the favor to you

Now on a different note I am starting a betting pool:
How long will Chicory's son will remain internetless before he figures out a way to get his own and come up with the money?
I am betting on 5 days!

Refiner

I think the bedroom door should be taken off the hinges also (and door taken to someone else's house) and we could bet on how long it takes him to become resourceful and move out!

chicory

thanks for the good thoughts, and ideas everyone. I am really looking forward to my appt

Carlotta, if he could make that happen in five days, it would be a miracle. he has no car, no job. He is struggling emotionally. but we can dream!!!

Carlotta

He sounds quite hooked on the internet: never underestimate an addict's resourcefulness when it comes to getting his drugs

Wahine

Chicory, I reread much of this thread and came to some conclusions. Let mms e know what you think.

You FEAR your son. His behavior has left you in FOG. Please remind yourself that true love is patient and kind. You seem to display this. Your son does not.

Two years ago I had a family counselor tell me that my AH was a narcissist. He said I should make plans to leave the relationship asap. I was shocked. One, that he would speak to me like that, two, he could make that diagnosis after meeting AH twice. How I wish I had listened to him.

You son sounds EXACTLY like AH. Your son may have Add. Two of my son's have Add. But, it did not cause the behavior you describe. I think seeing a psychologist is the best thing you can do. Not only for your own anxiety and depression, but to help you see your son for who he truly is.

Fandy

Chic, he previously got to work without a car, the weather is good, he can ride his bike, he can do this strange thing called walking ( you use your feet, its amazingly simple). He can get a job if he is desperate enough.
You cannot be dx him over the internet yourself, you seem to be putting up road blocks to excuse his behavior by matching his actions to google
. I'm glad you have appt. And think the insight you will gain about how you interact and enable will become more clear.
Walmart has the iphone s 5 on sale for $99.00, good deal.

chicory

Carlotta,
Thing is, my goal is not to make him pay for his own, but to get him out on his own. I don't want him living here forever... What I have done is get him off the street, give him a chance to get sober and move forward, and he has just entrenched his self in here. not good.

I know he has problems, Fandy. I am not really trying to diagnose him,,, but when you have been puzzled for years by a sons behavior, its interesting to read up on things and sometimes helpful. I have no idea whats going on, and I hope he will want to get some help in solving his problems. I am excusing nothing, trust me. Actually, I personally feel that labels such as 'narcissistic' sometimes means what we used to call 'assh###' in my world. adhd, well, still there is the opportunity for the person with it to care enough about others to do right by them... and if they dont , are they narcissistic, or just an a-hole? I hate labels..and diagnoses, just perpetuate the mental health business sometimes.
how many times children are diagnosed autistic and in a few years are not in the spectrum anymore... it happens a lot. three year olds on adderal..????

I went to mental health course and they informed us that one in ten has a mental illness????not sure, but the group is funded by big chemical companies, medicine.

oops got off track.

anyway, ideally, with help for me, I can make a boundary of him get help, or get job and let me hold money til enough to get his self a place. If he isn't able, due to mental issues, I guess we go from there.

my daughter and her hubby went to counsel with a psychologist, a good one. she told daugther to run. hubs was narc.. no future , no way.
they stuck it out.. five years later, he has been in church now for three years, quit smoking, is better to her than any hub I ever had, and they are pretty happy these days. you cannot always trust diagnoses. I think he just had Assho!!itis. lol (actually his FOO was pretty unhealthy, and he had to rise above the junk)

anyway, love and hugs and much thanks.. I consider all comments and appreciate the experience and wisdom.

Fandy, I am clearing the smoke from my eyes, you are helping. you all are..

dandylion

chicory---just sent you a pm with some information.