chicory

Dandy,

I agree with you. I am looking for an al-anon, but I also need to talk to a professional, and I do have health care to cover that.

I will still take my baby steps, and hope that someday my son will be happy and functional. That might not happen, I realize, but I don't have to sacrifice my life and happiness, just because he is.

I surely know I need more than these baby steps, I need professional help, no doubt. I talked with my sis yesterday, and she is dealing with the same thing with her son. We talked about our childhoods, and how miserable they were. Now our sons both are so dependent.... I am sure that we did not help that, enabling, because we had no one to care for our needs as kids, and we did not want to do the same thing our parents did to us. funny though, we are pretty resourceful, due to having to be... strange how life is sometimes.

thank you. Your help is priceless, and I think you should get a raise

Fandy

Hope is good, but action is better.....along with it. Do you want to be dealing with this when he is 50? Or you are 70?
The balance is needing to shift sooner than later. Time for making some real decisions, because he won't respect just the talk, he has heard this all before, but mama does not follow through.( sorry, but you have to mean business)...don't smack me....

chicory

Fandy, you are right. I am moving forward, albeit slowly. baby steps, looking forward to big steps. He isn;t even here right now.
i checked out phones at walmart, not sure of what they are, etc. but price wasn't too bad. monthly payments of 30 for all the internet stuff. but the phone looked small, box did not tell.
thanks for being here, I dont wanna slack, but have to make informed choices when I do. dont wanna turn the internet off til i get access.

hugs

dandylion

chicory---absolutely....you need internet access. That is your connection to being able to find out information..to learn about and identify resources.

I am all for self-examination and taking responsibility....but, be careful on too much self-blame for this situation. How a person turns out in terms of personality, etc. is a very complex interplay of life factors...from genetic to all the forces brought to play in the environment. You can often see very opposite children from the same family--raised in very similar ways. What I am saying is that it isn't ALWAYS just the "fault" of the mother! Mother bashing has been done for many decades in this culture.
At any rate..it is what it is now, in the present....the question is now what is to be done constructively to bring improvement?
No need to load up on guilt to make yourself feel even worse.

Fandy speaks the truth, of course....hope has to be combined with action...constructive action. An object in motion tends to stay in motion.....and same thing for inertia...LOL!

In addition to getting an appointment with a psychologist.....you know, there are internet support forums..just like this one for ADD(and other issues). You might benefit from doing some "exploring" there. I am sure that there would be a wealth of practical information, there...especially as to where the resources are.

Oh.....thanks so much for the raise...would it be too much to ask for a longer lunch hour...?

Fandy

it depends on which phone you buy that certain models have large screens. my samsung Galaxy note 2 has a 5" screen, (last year's model, now there is a note 3), Ann has one that is even bigger.
they are all quite inexpensive and you are entitled to some sort of rebate. I found the best price through the Amazonians, they have all the carriers, if the price drops within 30 days, they credit your account too. it is simple to set up and transfer your contacts, email, etc. if i can do it, anyone can.

so he is going to come back after this with more $$ and the cycle will repeat...then you will still be in the same place. it is good that you can discuss and compare notes with your sister, but it might be time to stop babystepping and wobbling and start jumping a little and jogging. (burns much more calories).
Like I said, practice on little miss BadNotes, let your fur fluff out a bit and be strong.

Refiner

I have been following this thread since it began. I've been traveling for business, then on vacation, etc. etc. and just checked in to see where things stood. Things have gotten NO WHERE for some time, Chicory! I know you're talking about babysteps but nothing is going to change until some action takes place and your son continues to take advantage of you as you tip toe around his feelings and don't want to stir his pot. You mentioned in an earlier post wondering if there were issues with you having your 42 able-bodied adult son still living at home... do you think? I agree with other posters to have your law enforcement SIL present and have THE talk. What is the date for THE talk? I'm sorry to sound harsh, but perhaps you need a little nudge with a boot and set boundaries for yourself even? (e.g. My list of resources my son can use will be finished by X date. My intervention script will be written by X date. "The talk" will happen on X date. Etc.) He will howl and yell and say he needs the internet to look for jobs and/or contact the resources. Great! That's what libraries are for! You set his goals for him WITH dates (since he's not capable of setting his own goals) and if those goals aren't hit, he is OUT. And the worst thing you can do is go back on your word and not stick to the goals and boundaries you have set for him. You will be amazed at how resourceful he will become when he has not other choice. I wish you luck and Godspeed.

chicory

I appreciate your comments and thoughts, all.

I am still rounding up family support at this time, and getting prices on phones and internet. daughter says that her kindle fire stinks at using for internet. so thats not an option. money is an issue with me, so cannot afford anything expensive.

yes, the worst thing would be to give him an ultimatum and then go back on my word. Thats why I have not yet. I dont want to do that again. BTDT.

I am thinking not so much an ultimatum, as to just get myself some internet access, shut off the home internet and go from there.
I have an older truck. it needs repairs-no A/C right now. braking makes car wobble. I am getting older and need to save money. these are all legitimate facts. He cannot argue with that. I would not even tell him that I have access, or he'd pester me to use it.

without internet, I believe he would be quite inspired to do something. At least he would not have the internet to escape into.


Dandylion, I shall check out the ADD site. I did get a psychologist not long ago, and she simply sat and asked me what I wanted to do.... if I knew that, I could have saved 80 dollars a shot. She wanted to do interventions, and she just wasn't a fit for me. my family cannot afford to send him off for recovery. I dont believe he would do it anyway.


Hey, I thought baby steps were ok, as long as someone was trying? right now, I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff.


Refiner, pardon, but I have never asked if there were issues with having a 42 year old son living with me. That would make me pretty clueless. If you have followed me, you would know that I have had issue with it...serious ones- that is what brought me here in 2010.



addiction is mental illness. he has other mental issues. I do not know what they are, but I will not be throwing him out just because I want peace.

Just bear with me folks, as I take my baby steps. they are all I can do. if I am annoying in my lack of courage, I am sorry. this is frightening for me, or I would not be in this position.


I am moving forward, at a snail pace maybe, but I am moving forward.

Fandy

I hope that you make some real progress today....I am not trying to be pushy, but you asked, so let's be sure that you are not stagnant.
sorry about the car, I have a Nook HD that I used with good internet access (it holds Google play), before I got my tablet. Ask your young co-workers, everyone has a tablet these days and lots of free Wi-Fi.
I have the Galaxy Note 3 tablet with the S-Pen. there are much cheaper models too (ask Itchy).
How about giving yourself the date of July 4th to cut off the internet...Independence Day!

chicory

I appreciate and need the support. I like samsung, and the galaxy three is 300$+, on t he T..mobile. will check out amazon later. off to work now.

dandylion

chicory---I hear what you are saying about the psychologist. Not all are a good fit...one size simply doesn't fit all.
From my experience, it is a good idea to have that first question answered on an index card! The first question they always ask is: "why are you here?" It would be good to have the main reasons listed (in order of importance) ...at least 3 and maybe more.....

If I were you, I would scout out the Add web sites for help in finding a psychologist or the organizations that I origionally gave you--as they have comprehensive lists of all the disability resources in Ohio.

People who work with disabilities (such as we are talking about) also have to deal with the families--so that means that they will comprehend your issues. Parents who have had to deal with a similar situation will also understand your issues and, also, have some experience under their belt. That is why some forums would also be of help to you.

Once you make contact with some knowledgeable and understanding people--it is amazing how your self-confidence will climb.
Another thing about courage--we all have more than we are ever aware of--and the thing is...it arrives at just the SECOND that we have to use it--without fail.

I am a bit in the dark, not knowing your geographic and demographic situation--like, do you live in rural area, small town, or outside of a medium or large city....., etc. These factors do make a difference, sometimes--in what kinds of challenges or advantages you might incur. I understand that you might not want to divulge it publicly. However, feel free to pm me if you would like to. I will understand, if you wouldn't.

dandylion

chicory

Well today went badly.
He came home from friends house. I was feeling a bit softer toward him, after doing some research the last two days, ADHD sounds so much a possibility. It fits in so many ways. I guess I felt good thinking that it might be possible for him to get help. So many ADHD sufferers feel relief when they find out that there were not just dingy, lazy, losers, etc. They often have a bad self esteem, from so much failure in their lives.

anyway, I decided to tell him (through the door, since he would not discuss things calmly) that I am having the internet shut down, with the phone and cable. no sense in spending 160 a month when I could use it more wisely. Of course, he began to be rude, talking over me, and getting angry.

I can see that mental health help is pretty much inevitable. I told him that I did not want to be mean, but that I was warning him to back up what ever he needs to, as the internet will be going off, this will be my last billing cycle.

I was hoping to talk to him about going for help...if it is ADHD, he could possibly get help and resources to get him on his feet. It is a recognized disability and there is much help. if that is what it is., along with his drinking , possible self medicating, possible alcoholism plain and simple. but fact is, he would still need to want help.

I guess i knew this would get ugly.. but, I know him enough to know that he will turn it around and try to be this sweet and helpful person, hoping to smooth things over. he has that much self control, if nasty doesn't work. what a manipulator.

discouraged this evening, and feeling a bit hopeless, but its bound to be uncomfortable.

Carlotta

****** hugs}}}
Please be safe, you never know if and how an addict will flip when you interfere with their addiction (whatever it might be).
You might also look into Boost mobile. I got unlimited everything for 40 dollars a month and a Samsung galaxy rush.
From there, what you can do is root your device (I could help you with that) and use it as a modem to send a wifi signal to your laptop.
Or even better you could use pdanet and use your phone as a broadband for your computer: there would be no need for rooting and because the connection would be through USB your son would never see a signal.
Let me know if you want to go that route, I ll be more than happy to give you a step by step guide.

Lenina

((((chicory)))). Sending you love and hugs. My mother had trouble getting my sibs to leave. I think she regretted having them in the nest so long. They made a rapid adjustment when they had no choice. Please know you're doing the right thing. Kids really need to learn to be on their own. My sibs found someone to move in with. He will be ok or not, it's his choice, you have a right to your peaceful home.

Much love from LeeLee

chicory

Carlotta,
thank you. looking those things up now. sounds good. I am not tech savvy so it seems a bit daunting to try to get internet for myself... I need it! I will let you know if I go that way, and would appreciate your help very much
and you are right. he got so loud and shouting over me trying to get him to hear me. he threw his radio at the door. his loss, he listens to npr every morning, every day, all day long. how can someone so smart be so messed up? I hate it.

Lenina, I know, he will get resourceful when he has to. thats just human nature and he isn't helpless, he just feels like it since he has been enabled here for so long.

why is it so hard to draw a line between helpful and hindering? more is not always better.

you are right, I yearn for peace and pray for him to get things straight in his mind.

I read on the ADHD site *(if that is what he suffers with) that parents often think it was something they did that made their children so crippled. its pretty interesting what goes on in the brain, for example, in the instance of inattention, it is dopamine affected, I think they said.

I wish he would go and let them do studies on him. he is a case and a half. they pay travel and living expenses. I'd do it, if someone offered it to me!

Ann

Chic, my internet connection has a password and only someone who knows the password can access it. Would that be an option for you? Maybe it works differently there or maybe your son knows how to hack over the password. Just thought I'd pass this on.

I'm sorry this is so draining for you. Keep breathing and know that you are working toward a solution, that's enough.

Hugs

dandylion

chicory.....don't be discouraged! I actually don't think it went badly. I think you have to have realistic expectations. Given the circumstances, one could hardly expect it to go silky smooth...LOL.

You delivered the worst possible news (for him) that he could receive--that the thing he feels most secure, in the world, with.. is going to be taken away. Currently, he doesn't know what is wrong and doesn't have a plan of hope for himself...and it sounds like his self=esteem is pretty low. Considering this..I think he kept pretty good self control. Nobody got hurt....and the journey for him and you is not over.....we are hoping for a good result.

I would suggest that the next step that would be constructive---would be for you to get in front of a psychologist STAT to help you plan for the next step of getting him to a testing situation (with him understanding that you are bringing him help) He isn't losing the internet forever....he will be reunited in the future. With a diagnosis and proper treatment....and, job training---he might well make a living with computers. He has intelligence and talent...he just needs the proper channeling. He need doors opened.

You have learned an a great deal, already!!!! and, taken one step that you were so scared of.

Good Show!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now...full speed ahead...

dandylion

chicory

Ann, we have two computers, and each our own password. I dont think I could keep him from accessing internet, if its there. he would just rewire it each day as I leave for work,,, lol... and use it. I have been given some good options from the ladies here and it looks really doable. just wish I could find courage..

but that is my next thing, and yes, Dandylion, I need to get in for some help! I cannot manage to dredge up courage where there is only fear. fear is false evidence appearing real... f.e.a.r. so I do need that help. I am hoping that I can do the eeny meeny minee moe, and get a good one. a specialist in addiction or mental illness . I am hoping my insurance covers the help.. I must have used someone outside my providers list last time, for it to cost me so much out of pocket. I did not like her at all, honestly, she made me feel strangely unsupported.

Thanks everyone, for the ideas and support. It has been so helpful, and has kept me focused.

I will call tomorrow, and make an appt. I guess i can look online now... old fashioned, was gonna check the phone book...haha.

hugs all.

Lenina

((((chicory)))) Please tell the therapist about your financial concerns. They might work with you. my insurance has a three free visits a year for mental health coverage. Then it paid a small per cent of each visit. my doctor saw me at a lesser $$ amount than he usually charged. I guess he knew I was completely nuts and shouldn't be left in the world unsupervised LOL. I don't know it you might look at licensed clinical social workers. (LCSW) it might be less expensive. many plans don't cover the LCSW. It couldn't hurt to ask.

mostly I want you take care of you. We love you and want you to be happy and healthy in your own home.

Much love from LeeLee

dandylion

Chicory---I think that someone who has had EXPERIENCE with ADD (even if it turns out not to be the core problem).....because those outside of the field often miss it. Those with ONLY alcohol experience may not be broad enough. People with ADD issues often are never diagnosed by very frequently self-medicate with alcohol.

dandylion

Wahine

Chicory, I had a similar situation with my son. He turned 18, dropped out of school. Taking one class with 6 weeks to graduate. I repeatedly told him to get a job or move. He laid on the couch all day, watched cable, or gamed on the internet. He was rude and disrespectful to me and fought with his siblings. Turning off the internet wasn't an option. I have three other kids. I would disconnect the router and take it with me when I left the house. Two weeks later I took his key away. When I left the house in the morning I shoved him out the door and locked it. He was stuck out side till I came home. He was gone in two weeks. My son has ADD. But there are many people with that get up and go to work everyday.

Good luck.