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A long road - Part 1

Old 06-19-2014, 08:52 AM
  # 101 (permalink)  
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Yes, I know that I can unhook the modem, but it is in his room and goes to mine in my room, with a splitter. I would do that, but he can get mean and nasty . I would rather have it turned off. I am looking at a smart phone. refurbished.

I looked at the sites you mentioned Dandy, and they pointed me to the places I know of in town. I will have to go myself, he won't. The sites were sort of confusing to me. I did not see what would apply, I will just have to start making calls and asking for direction.

we just had another fuss. I told him that he needed to get a government phone, and that I will not continue to pay for his phone.

He is being an ass. saying I am being in a mood, that I cant see that there are many in his situation. he is trying for jobs.Needs to be able to save money, quack quack. I think he believes this stuff his self!

You are right, Dandy, in that action keeps the depression away. Perhaps I am just as sick as he is, and need help more than he does.

thank you, dear ones.
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Old 06-19-2014, 09:25 AM
  # 102 (permalink)  
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Chic, take a ride to the local wally-world. They will have your phone provider and probably give you the best price on a NEW phone and just adjust your plan. You cut off his phone service, and home internet fees, put them towards your smart phone plan.

you can switch the smart phone to free wifi if you are in those ranges too. my phone does this automatically. it is really more simple than you think to set this up on the phone(Amy and I can figure it out)..your phone provider may also have deals on a tablet that works on free wifi too...so you can set yourself in a free spot to have access. most local businesses have it.
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Old 06-19-2014, 07:39 PM
  # 103 (permalink)  
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Actually, my daughter has an tablet? thingy, and some extra i phones. we talked tonight. I am actually thinking how it may be best to just shut the internet off , anyway.

I will have to study up on this stuff so I can decide.

I don't think I even comprehend everything that is going on here. I know its more than I can handle alone.

I tried going on tmobile. and finding out what plans I could do. it is a stupid site, and you cannot even see the various plans in order to make changes. wally world sounds like the way to go... thanks fands
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Old 06-20-2014, 07:04 PM
  # 104 (permalink)  
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have a good weekend Chic, keep us informed and keep trying! hugs...xxoo from Perry too, the elbow nibbler.
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Old 06-21-2014, 04:39 AM
  # 105 (permalink)  
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Fandy, I thought my cats were a pain, knocking at my door, in the am... but soft skin pinchers, ouch!
thanks.. I have asked my girls to help me.. to support me, and help me to think things through. they are more than happy to. things are getting a bit more clear, with some thinking on them.
I deserve my home to be at least peaceful, and for him to be doing all he can to help his self and to do his share. I should not feel guilty. I have the right to expect my home to be free from drugs. and I am getting stronger, at least for today

daughter is smart about internet/appliances. we are discussing options there too. I told son that I am going to be shutting internet off, but told him I would be doing it if he brought pot into my home. I am rethinking that. think it needs to be off, no matter what. he will be unable to control his self with it on. he has shown that. he has no respect for anyone else. time he learned that others matter too.

love and hgus, and thanks for the support! off to work for me:[
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Old 06-21-2014, 05:24 AM
  # 106 (permalink)  
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If he gets a job, he can pay for his own phone and internet service, you might be surprised at what motivates him to stop whining about the economy and get a job at McDonalds.
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Old 06-21-2014, 05:36 AM
  # 107 (permalink)  
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Well done chicory!

I absolutely agree with you--just cut off the internet no matter what

Have a great day at work and glad you are getting support from girls
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Old 06-21-2014, 05:47 AM
  # 108 (permalink)  
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Chic, I haven't responded a lot but I have been reading to follow your progress and I see a lot of clarity happening with you as you proceed with all this.

What if you wrote down a list of things he needs to do, beginning with getting some professional help, list the places and help that is available and the contact numbers? And then list the consequences for not moving forward if he chooses to ignore your request?

By writing it down, it takes the wind out of "argumentative" and lets him see clearly that there is help available and that he cannot remain uninvolved in his own recovery...not while living under your roof. Because of his mental health issues, I think it is supportive for you to find the information and make the list, as I doubt he would be capable of any of that. My son had a reading disability and such a task would have been near impossible for him.

I used to tell my son "You can live in my house and follow my rules, including respect, or you can live anywhere else and do what you want...I will love you just as much whichever choice you make."

This may seem like a long journey to you, Chic, but mine was too, because I had to take baby steps and secure my footing along the way. I was unable to do what was right for him if it ripped my heart apart and I was unable to do what was right for me if it meant losing my son. As you know, it turned out that way in the end no matter what I did or did not do. If I had it all to do over again, I would have made my moves sooner and more firmly...yet, would I? It's easy for me to say that today when I am stable and can see the result of my own recovery in the years since I dealt with this first hand. I honestly can't say that I was physically, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally prepared to do it any other way than the way I did...and what a slow process that was.

The two things that helped me the most, that literally saved my life, was my meetings and learning to work the 12 steps over and over until they became a way of life for me...and God. My faith, sometimes blind faith, kept me going, kept me alive and lit the path so I could follow...at my own pace in my own time as God showed me what I needed to see.

Keeping you and your boy in my prayers, and the rest of your family too. Addiction and the mental illness that seems to go hand in hand with it, are truly family diseases.

Love you lots and I'm holding your hand through the scary parts.

Hugs
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:15 PM
  # 109 (permalink)  
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thank you all. It so wonderful to log on here and see hands reaching for mine. and gentle hugs making me feel like I can do this!

I know I can. I just need to keep my eyes open. Its like they glaze over at the enormity of it all.

Ann, thank you for sharing this part of your story. I know it was so painful for you. I am glad to know that the things you leaned on really helped. I will keep moving forward, and try to turn over each rock.

The written list in in my plans. I am off tomorrow, I should be able to spend some time, formulating a plan. I know he would not be able to smoothly get names to places of help. He could barely get his dentists office directions, he gets so frustrated! Its strange. he can do anything with his computer, anything. but get him to call and ask for times, appts, or directions or details... he hates doing it, and just tries to fly by the seat of his pants. sets his self up for failure.

thanks again, everyone. You are true friends. xoxoxo
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:22 PM
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Hugs, thinking of you my friend. Stay strong!
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:24 PM
  # 111 (permalink)  
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I just realized something....

For some people, Baby steps are all they can manage, but that is fine, it gets them there.

For me, fear makes me take baby steps.. but I can fight that fear, with each step. I think

I have to believe that. I wonder why it has to be that way, but it doesn't matter, its how I am . and i have to figure out how to keep taking baby steps...just keep moving!

and I guess that with each little step, the light at the end of the tunnel will get brighter.
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:26 PM
  # 112 (permalink)  
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Hugs back at you , Hopeful!!!
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:27 PM
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I see it this way. Sometimes we stand still and take no steps. Other times baby steps. Some take huge leaps. As long as you are not moving backwards, thats all that really matters. Its no marathon, its your life.

((Chic))
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:29 PM
  # 114 (permalink)  
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Yes, I guess so. But I think so much time has been lost. I hope that sometime i will get to take a leap or two


(((Hopeful))))
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:42 PM
  # 115 (permalink)  
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You will leap eventually. It will be at a time you are ready.because you have examined the options and made that choice. Thats the smart way to leap. One foot in front of the next.
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Old 06-21-2014, 10:45 PM
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Chicory---I am writing this very reluctantly because there is no intent to diagnose. But an inability to focus can result in overwhelming anxiety and frustration---yet sometimes the same individual can hyper-focus o n some things--particularly, something they have a great interest in. In ADD or ADHD people can present in a great variety of ways. This is why I have pounded the drums so much for the idea of getting a diagnosis--simply as a starting point, of course. The thing is--that this kind of diagnosis must be made by someone who is experienced in this field.

I am caring about your boy---and I am caring about you. You both could use support and I know that both of you are suffering.

very sincerely,
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Old 06-22-2014, 06:23 AM
  # 117 (permalink)  
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Dandylion,

Over the years, I have suggested to him that he may be struggling with ADD. He does not have the hyper part, but he has always gotten overwhelmed by details, unless its about his love-computer science-politics-science in general.

He lost a job once, because he could not figure out the schedule! He would not ask... does not think he has a problem figuring out detailed stuff.

to me, that is what I truly believe. but as you say, diagnosis is key. anxiety, depression and add. he has always been an air head, and does not listen , gets overwhelmed by detailed stuff, but if I have a computer problem, he will happily sit for hours fixing it, putting programs on for me, etc.

top that with drinking problems. I am sure he is miserable.

I read somewhere, maybe here, that with ADD someone may drink just to feel normal for a while.. the noises stop, the irritating distractions.

thank you, so much. please know that I don't mind at all what anyone says, as long as its kind..lol.. in the past, I was jumped on with both feet by some, but they have given up on me finally, I guess. thank goodness. not everyone is the same and we cannot all recover in a quick and black and white fashion. I wish to God I could.

I know you care, Dandy. I feel that and appreciate you, and so many others here. it is helping me, no end! It even has given me the courage to tell my daughters that I need more support than they know, and they have responded so positively.

love and hugs!
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Old 06-22-2014, 07:03 AM
  # 118 (permalink)  
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I'm really glad that you are getting family support and not hiding this from your daughters, as this will affect them too later on...
As long as you keep moving forward, addressing this, you will eventually find the best method to get him help.
I do worry that he might get angry and do more than rip the door off the bedroom. One extreme measure would be to remove the door from his room if you feel he is doing drugs...but that is usually reserved for young kids.
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Old 06-22-2014, 07:33 AM
  # 119 (permalink)  
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Yep, Fandy, I figure that would only result in something more weird,, taking off the door. hopefully something less dramatic will work
am going to walmart to take back my faulty refrigerant cylinder, and will be checking out their gadgets, smart phones, etc.

He does not usually get angry unless he is drinking or sleep deprived and we argue. Other than that, he is peaceful. not gonna poke the bear, just gradually slip the rug out from under him...yes?
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Old 06-22-2014, 09:03 AM
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chicory---maybe getting an appointment for yourself, first, might clear the way for you a bit.

I think if I were in your same shoes, I might go to a psychologist who works with adult ADD and just lay your cards out o n the table...Like: "This is the situation..now how do I start..what should I do?"

I have learned, over the years, that when I have a difficult problem...the best thing is to find the people or places that know the most about it.....and, say: "help me".

You would h ave nothing to lose by doing this. You can still ask for respect in the home, etc., in the meantime. If he is not drinking, right now and is just smoking weed--maybe, not poking the bear too hard, right now--until you get your course set better, is a good idea. As in--put the oxygen mask on yourself, first.

I am not suggesting to stop doing your baby steps about checking out the various phones, etc. Just to get a professional in your corner to steer you as to how to go about this journey from your position in it.

We are strong in the caring and sharing department on this forum....but there is a point where we are in too deep if we try to do what professionals should be doing for you.....like, above our pay scale...LOL.

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