A long road - Part 1
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Sarajevo
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by chicory 
Pavo,
I must say, I believe I communicate with my God just fine. He has been helping me all along.
Thank you for your concern, but you and I have totally different opinions here.
You are a bit overboard accusing me of worshiping idols. I,ve been blessed with a job that supports me.
I think maybe you are on the wrong site?
I must say, I believe I communicate with my God just fine. He has been helping me all along.
Thank you for your concern, but you and I have totally different opinions here.
You are a bit overboard accusing me of worshiping idols. I,ve been blessed with a job that supports me.
I think maybe you are on the wrong site?
I apologize for the way I said it. But it is my responsibility to say the bitter truth. Will you help me put it in a phrase, so that it doesn't offend people ?
Do you remember : "Lean not on yourself but trust God with all your heart." Are you sure the sacrifice of work, from Romans 12,1, the sacrifice of work that you make to your employer and salary, are you sure it is pleasing aroma to God of Israel ?
Do you want to ask the Holy Spirit of His opinion of it ?
I am sure, it is a tiny thing, for our glorious God, to change the heart of your son, once He is sure, you yourself will be allright in eternity.
What kind words do you want me to use ? i will use them. However, please know that I still stand by what Holy Spirit asked me to witness before you.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
Hi pavaoiztarza,
Here is our rule on sharing our religious beliefs so we don't offend members who don't share the same beliefs.
2. Outside Agendas: No posts of an overtly political or religious nature OR posts promoting advocacy of particular personal, medical, legal, religious, political, or non-profit causes. The forums are intended for offering mutual personal support related to recovery from addiction or recovery for family and friends. This is our primary purpose. Debating controversial subjects should be taken elsewhere. Limited references are allowed, but the forums should not be used to convert others.
Here is our rule on sharing our religious beliefs so we don't offend members who don't share the same beliefs.
2. Outside Agendas: No posts of an overtly political or religious nature OR posts promoting advocacy of particular personal, medical, legal, religious, political, or non-profit causes. The forums are intended for offering mutual personal support related to recovery from addiction or recovery for family and friends. This is our primary purpose. Debating controversial subjects should be taken elsewhere. Limited references are allowed, but the forums should not be used to convert others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
" If a man does not want to work, neither let him eat"... I remember that scripture
You have your belief and its different than mine. You have your truth. its yours, not mine.
No offense taken.. I know where you are coming from. But this is not the place for that.
As a young child, I prayed for God's help.He did not change my family. He did not help my dad or mom stop drinking. Can you think of anything more sincere and pure than a child's prayer? I can't.... but He did lead me to kindness and made sure we did not starve, and I have lovely children. I've been blessed beyond measure.
take care and be well.
You have your belief and its different than mine. You have your truth. its yours, not mine.
No offense taken.. I know where you are coming from. But this is not the place for that.
As a young child, I prayed for God's help.He did not change my family. He did not help my dad or mom stop drinking. Can you think of anything more sincere and pure than a child's prayer? I can't.... but He did lead me to kindness and made sure we did not starve, and I have lovely children. I've been blessed beyond measure.
take care and be well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by dandylion
Chicory---I must say that I agree that you could use back-up support...based on what you have told us. Can you think of anyone else that wouldn't mind being in attendance?
dandylion
dandylion
I think my SIL will be glad to do it. If I decide to go that route. Perhaps my sister, whose son is also in a bad state. Son has always adored her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
You could use both your SIL and sister to do this initially. And if he disrespects you (I would use the word respect a lot, but that is just me), you do phase 2 with your son in law.
The thing is, you want results, not threats which trigger future confrontations.
The thing is, you want results, not threats which trigger future confrontations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thank you Kittycat3
I have been going over and over in my mind today, of what I need to say. I have an idea, but want it to make sense.
I could not help myself today, as I asked him if he could take out the trash THIS WEEK. I realize from his words that he is in a totally selfish place.
Went online to read about adult children at home. and many people mentioned the sorts of things I am living with.
He talks in circles, manipulation, just rude avoidance type answers. like asking me if I am just looking for things to fight about today, because of a mood? Or like "I am not going to let you get to me today, I am going to ignore your mood"......
I am flabbergasted. He is either nuts, or the worlds biggest azzh**e! No, wait, that title is held by his dad
and heck, maybe he is just a chip off the old shyteblock, add to that alcoholism and whatever else.
I am even more determined.
I have been going over and over in my mind today, of what I need to say. I have an idea, but want it to make sense.
I could not help myself today, as I asked him if he could take out the trash THIS WEEK. I realize from his words that he is in a totally selfish place.
Went online to read about adult children at home. and many people mentioned the sorts of things I am living with.
He talks in circles, manipulation, just rude avoidance type answers. like asking me if I am just looking for things to fight about today, because of a mood? Or like "I am not going to let you get to me today, I am going to ignore your mood"......
I am flabbergasted. He is either nuts, or the worlds biggest azzh**e! No, wait, that title is held by his dad
and heck, maybe he is just a chip off the old shyteblock, add to that alcoholism and whatever else.
I am even more determined.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi Fandy.
No, not dropping the ball, just trying to get a plan that will not have to be 're-thunk', you know?
my daughter and I both agree... I need to insist on him getting professional help, not a job, because a job without help for his issues is a waste of time and effort.
I tried talking to him yesterday, by myself. He only said I was being argumentative, and he had no plan on talking to me about it... and said it all through his door.
I had visions of yanking him by the hair of the head and shaking the tar out of him, as my grandma would have said. Today, I told him that his refusal to talk, to co-operate , is going to have consequences, and it would involve having no internet.
basic outline is this.... He must go for counselling, and do whatever he needs to do to be able to be independent. If he does not do this, within a very short time, no more internet. No more phone-he can get a free one. He must apply for his food stamps until he gets a job.. that requires he go do the work program (*which would only be good for him*).
I hate to be without internet, myself, as I depend on it a lot, for support here and generally. online banking can be worked out. just the dependence I have on SR, I guess, will be the hard part. I live too far to go to daughters to use theirs daily.
but its important.
I have been depressed, due to what I see of my sons level of break from reality. I am sure he is addicted to some junk online. I know he loves his 'art' and friends , and that is his life.. but that is because he has broken away from society.
so , i have been down. but I am moving forward, with my decision. I do believe, more than ever, that I need someone to be with me when I talk. or he will just ignore and talk over me. It makes me so angry that I might break down his door, you know? He needs a smack in the face. He is not incapable, he is just a selfish , addicted jerk.
I have been wondering too, if he is doing some other drugs in there? his window is open all the time.. he wont shut it. I know pot when I smell it, and have not smelled it. He isn't acting weird, as if on crack or meth ,and has no unusual energy or look different.
I do think that he has given up, on trying. I think he is enjoying whatever he is doing , and ignoring me for as long as he can. He thinks I am helpless, I reckon. no wonder.
hugs and thanks for asking Fandy.
No, not dropping the ball, just trying to get a plan that will not have to be 're-thunk', you know?
my daughter and I both agree... I need to insist on him getting professional help, not a job, because a job without help for his issues is a waste of time and effort.
I tried talking to him yesterday, by myself. He only said I was being argumentative, and he had no plan on talking to me about it... and said it all through his door.
I had visions of yanking him by the hair of the head and shaking the tar out of him, as my grandma would have said. Today, I told him that his refusal to talk, to co-operate , is going to have consequences, and it would involve having no internet.
basic outline is this.... He must go for counselling, and do whatever he needs to do to be able to be independent. If he does not do this, within a very short time, no more internet. No more phone-he can get a free one. He must apply for his food stamps until he gets a job.. that requires he go do the work program (*which would only be good for him*).
I hate to be without internet, myself, as I depend on it a lot, for support here and generally. online banking can be worked out. just the dependence I have on SR, I guess, will be the hard part. I live too far to go to daughters to use theirs daily.
but its important.
I have been depressed, due to what I see of my sons level of break from reality. I am sure he is addicted to some junk online. I know he loves his 'art' and friends , and that is his life.. but that is because he has broken away from society.
so , i have been down. but I am moving forward, with my decision. I do believe, more than ever, that I need someone to be with me when I talk. or he will just ignore and talk over me. It makes me so angry that I might break down his door, you know? He needs a smack in the face. He is not incapable, he is just a selfish , addicted jerk.
I have been wondering too, if he is doing some other drugs in there? his window is open all the time.. he wont shut it. I know pot when I smell it, and have not smelled it. He isn't acting weird, as if on crack or meth ,and has no unusual energy or look different.
I do think that he has given up, on trying. I think he is enjoying whatever he is doing , and ignoring me for as long as he can. He thinks I am helpless, I reckon. no wonder.
hugs and thanks for asking Fandy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
the only way you can get internet without involving him would be through your own smart phone.....they are fairly cheap (I have a Galaxy note 2 with a BIG screen). If you don't do a lot of other data like watching movies and downloading music it will give you SR when you still need it.
the new Samsungs are fairly cheap and the screens are large. the library in your town would give you access also for a imited time daily.
yes, your son is thinking that you won't follow through, you are going to have that change shortly. I support you 100% you should know that, and you can always email me privately too.
the new Samsungs are fairly cheap and the screens are large. the library in your town would give you access also for a imited time daily.
yes, your son is thinking that you won't follow through, you are going to have that change shortly. I support you 100% you should know that, and you can always email me privately too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
We've got your back Chic
The lack of internet is a great idea--that will snap him out of his comfort zone double-quick.
I think you're doing a great job working this through slowly and carefully and garnering support.
Big hug for the day
The lack of internet is a great idea--that will snap him out of his comfort zone double-quick.
I think you're doing a great job working this through slowly and carefully and garnering support.
Big hug for the day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thanks all.
One thing about me... and I hate it... the more pressure I feel to act, when I am afraid or unsure, is to get depressed and shrink back. That's why I need so badly to come from a place of confidence in what I am doing.
I know that acting is the right thing to do. Its just I feel so alone...
Last night, I tried to talk to him again, and got the same treatment. He just acting like I am being ridiculous and don't know what he is doing (as if he is accomplishing something on the computer), and I told him that it isn't normal to never want to be around others.. to stay in his room avoiding me, and avoiding doing anything productive for his self. I told him he was simply being a parasite... I hurt now thinking of saying that to someone I love, but it is true. I told him that I will not live my life taking care of someone else, who can do for his self.
I am thinking of giving him the numbers to some resources, when I finally confront him, face to face with my support person. the employment rehabilitation place, forget the name, would probably be a good place, as they deal with helping all sorts of folks become employable.
I just freak inside, and feel so alone in this. I emailed his dad and told him to stop sending him money, as it is only used to buy beer and drink until gone. told him of my plan, and that turning off the computer will be the first consequence. He plays games with my son online all the time.
anyway, the butthead emailed me back... "Wont send money... you should have turned the internet off long ago. tell him to get a job and pay for it"...
My answer to his wisdom and patronizing attitude was "Well, maybe you should not send him games and new computer equipment. and there are a lot of things that WE SHOULD have done a long time ago.
He is an azz. a no it all, self centered and hides behind his second wifes kahonas. I almost laugh to think that it was probably her answering my email.... she does that.. and she did not know he sent money and equipment to my son..so her busybodiness and holierthanthou ways might have bit her in the big hiney.
she is no one to preach. she spent time in jail for embezzelment and moves from state to state,, wonder why? and to show you what a bonehead my x is,,, he ignored the fact that they had money to buy boats, take cruises, and new cars. said he always wondered where she got the money.. yeah, I bet. He only cared whether he had new fishing equipment or a boat or new metal detecting stuff. put the kids last, always.
still does. grandbabies have seen him twice, and oldest is 12 going on 13. I really despise him, because he always talks down to me and calls me stupid, basically. His wife does the same.
I have such anger about it. And now, to deal with our adult son by myself, it is just so hard, because his dad has ingrained it in his head too, that I am just a freakish over reacting biotch. Yet, to me, he says things about our son. but son says his dad understands him.. that man plays both sides of the fence, and at my expense.
I am glad you guys have my back, because I feel so weak and ill from the weight of this, but it will be alright. I don't have to move a mountain by myself... this can be done, a step at a time.
thanks and hugs all 'round
One thing about me... and I hate it... the more pressure I feel to act, when I am afraid or unsure, is to get depressed and shrink back. That's why I need so badly to come from a place of confidence in what I am doing.
I know that acting is the right thing to do. Its just I feel so alone...
Last night, I tried to talk to him again, and got the same treatment. He just acting like I am being ridiculous and don't know what he is doing (as if he is accomplishing something on the computer), and I told him that it isn't normal to never want to be around others.. to stay in his room avoiding me, and avoiding doing anything productive for his self. I told him he was simply being a parasite... I hurt now thinking of saying that to someone I love, but it is true. I told him that I will not live my life taking care of someone else, who can do for his self.
I am thinking of giving him the numbers to some resources, when I finally confront him, face to face with my support person. the employment rehabilitation place, forget the name, would probably be a good place, as they deal with helping all sorts of folks become employable.
I just freak inside, and feel so alone in this. I emailed his dad and told him to stop sending him money, as it is only used to buy beer and drink until gone. told him of my plan, and that turning off the computer will be the first consequence. He plays games with my son online all the time.
anyway, the butthead emailed me back... "Wont send money... you should have turned the internet off long ago. tell him to get a job and pay for it"...
My answer to his wisdom and patronizing attitude was "Well, maybe you should not send him games and new computer equipment. and there are a lot of things that WE SHOULD have done a long time ago.
He is an azz. a no it all, self centered and hides behind his second wifes kahonas. I almost laugh to think that it was probably her answering my email.... she does that.. and she did not know he sent money and equipment to my son..so her busybodiness and holierthanthou ways might have bit her in the big hiney.
she is no one to preach. she spent time in jail for embezzelment and moves from state to state,, wonder why? and to show you what a bonehead my x is,,, he ignored the fact that they had money to buy boats, take cruises, and new cars. said he always wondered where she got the money.. yeah, I bet. He only cared whether he had new fishing equipment or a boat or new metal detecting stuff. put the kids last, always.
still does. grandbabies have seen him twice, and oldest is 12 going on 13. I really despise him, because he always talks down to me and calls me stupid, basically. His wife does the same.
I have such anger about it. And now, to deal with our adult son by myself, it is just so hard, because his dad has ingrained it in his head too, that I am just a freakish over reacting biotch. Yet, to me, he says things about our son. but son says his dad understands him.. that man plays both sides of the fence, and at my expense.
I am glad you guys have my back, because I feel so weak and ill from the weight of this, but it will be alright. I don't have to move a mountain by myself... this can be done, a step at a time.
thanks and hugs all 'round
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
chicory---you speak so much about feeling so alone with this....and, I know exactly what you are talking about. It is TOO MUCH to go through alone! I don't see your family as giving you enough tangible, practical help to prevent you from feeling alone.....
Chicory ---you need more help from the world outside the family. What is preventing you from getting it.....can you say? You need some face-to-face contact with others who know what you are going through and have had similar experience with this.
Please go to those organizations that I gave you and ask for help. Help for him and help for yourself. You could use alanon, a good psychologist to guide you, and a parent support group.
You will have to start turning over rocks, yourself. If you do--you will find the help. And, if you are a church-going person....there is a good place for support.
Action...on your part is the best defense against feeling "frozen" and keeping depression away from the door. Action. A. C. T. I. O. N.
Please get some support for yourself....some soft places to fall...where they know how to help you.
dandylion
Chicory ---you need more help from the world outside the family. What is preventing you from getting it.....can you say? You need some face-to-face contact with others who know what you are going through and have had similar experience with this.
Please go to those organizations that I gave you and ask for help. Help for him and help for yourself. You could use alanon, a good psychologist to guide you, and a parent support group.
You will have to start turning over rocks, yourself. If you do--you will find the help. And, if you are a church-going person....there is a good place for support.
Action...on your part is the best defense against feeling "frozen" and keeping depression away from the door. Action. A. C. T. I. O. N.
Please get some support for yourself....some soft places to fall...where they know how to help you.
dandylion
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