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A long road - Part 1

Old 08-04-2014, 04:53 PM
  # 421 (permalink)  
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I hope he starts to pull his weight Chic and make some inquiries with his internet access you have been so generous to continue.
YOU have shown him that you are serious and this issue is NOT going to be dropped, now he needs to be 1/2 as proactive as you are.

He should appreciate all that you have done for the last 8 years, but it seems that he feels more entitled to live there.

I hope it works out better for you tonight and tomorrow...this is such a process, and he has lead feet.
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Old 08-04-2014, 05:39 PM
  # 422 (permalink)  
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Fandy, yes, it is quite a process! NO WONDER I drug my feet for so long... actually, I think I kept hoping that things would get better, and gave him time to change.

I told him that what is happening here nowadays isn't helping , but hindering him. He can't see that, but I hope that someday he does, because that would mean that he will have gotten his head on straight. I really think that counsel would do him a freaking world of good!

hugs!
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Old 08-05-2014, 05:19 AM
  # 423 (permalink)  
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chicory.....just wanted to say Hi and offer some support. My computer crashed and I was without it for the whole weekend. Spent the entire weekend with Verizon and technicians and ended up with a new computer (and outgoing cash!).
My own patience has been tested

I saw Lisa Ling on the Dr. Oz. show, yesterday. He was interviewing her about her recently diagnosed Adult ADHD. She wanted to educate the public as to the prevalence of this condition and that very few adults (only 1/4) of the several millions are aware that they have it. She particularly talked about the incredible anxiety that she always lived with--and, didn't know why!!
LOL.....I thought about you and your situation while she was talking. She and Dr. oz kept saying that it must be tested by an experienced specialist.

I am encouraged to see how you are staying steady during these incredibly FRUSTRATING days of "turning over rocks" and working through this whole thing. Being tenacious and patient when it is called for is not always easy and requires practice and determination. You should have seen me this weekend when I wanted to lose all my feathers.

I think, all in all....you are doing awfully well. I am so aware of what that kind of tension is like....in your home. It is really tough. Your goal of changing that is certainly a worthy one.

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Old 08-06-2014, 03:38 AM
  # 424 (permalink)  
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((((Dandylion)))) thank you.

Glad you got a new computer.. sorry it cost lost of money, though. bah.

I am making myself move forward, but feeling pretty discouraged. I realize that things change though, with continued efforts.

I really think the adhd is something he may have.

I will make myself do something towards my goals today.. hugs and many thanks!!!
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Old 08-06-2014, 03:58 AM
  # 425 (permalink)  
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Has he gotten any feedback from the jobs he applied for chic?
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Old 08-06-2014, 04:19 AM
  # 426 (permalink)  
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well. the one with most promise is waiting for background check. i know this company, and i know how it does take time. the hr lady has been off for three days, and believe me, they dont worry about doing her job for her..lol..

the others were maybes.. will check with son again today about them-resume prodding mode!
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Old 08-07-2014, 06:50 AM
  # 427 (permalink)  
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Still struggling along here.

Yesterday I told him that he needs to act before the 12th. He goes into his crazy song and dance. * thought you wanted me to get a job and I am * thought we were over this insanity* you have some need to mess with my head when things get calm.... etc. etc. etc.

I find myself pretty discouraged. I feel like 'so what if he gets an appt. He may never get help for his problems. He may drink when he does get a job. I am going to have bad times ahead, I see it.

I just think that no internet is the way to go all around. Guess he gets what he needs even if he hates living with me..with the things he *wants* provided, with the ability to do whatever he wants with his time. He is one big baby man. my fault, that its in my house. I know.
I just wonder if there is any hope for him. and its got me down lately. I don't even know why I felt hopeful the last weeks. Seems finding out that his insurance is crap just threw up another road block, and I am tired, but I have no choice but to move forward. nothing changes if nothing changes, as they so wisely say here at SR.

no need to respond... just venting here, and I don't want to use up my good support on just crappy days..
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Old 08-07-2014, 06:59 AM
  # 428 (permalink)  
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Shutting off his internet access will at least remove all of the entertainment he has been relying on so he doesn't have to engage his life.

I think it will help.
I also think you should limit the food you are bringing in if he won't get proactive on the food stamp thing.

You are quite right--he's a big baby-man and he needs to grow up.
Keep warming up the water and sooner or later he will have to jump

As they say in one of my favorite movies "Galaxy Quest"

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bI5hi4c4y9k

A short clip to inspire you. . . hugs chic. . .
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Old 08-07-2014, 07:03 AM
  # 429 (permalink)  
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you have support from me...it has a 100% balance.

He needs a job to engage in life, I agree. removing the internet changes the game. I realize it will be hard for you too, but you can always put it back. and you may find a way to get help from the cable company, sometimes they can be quite innovative, it is worth a question. I go down to the cable place in person and ask for help, come home with new equipment and a discount.

don't be discouraged, stick to your original plan, it's a smart one and I hope you keep it.

what is your plan for your own sanity during this shut off?
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Old 08-07-2014, 07:07 AM
  # 430 (permalink)  
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Chicory, not all public or sliding fee clinics are bad. I have had both, some very good ones and some I could wring their neck.

I switched to private here because this state will not prescribe benzos and I need them. OK, where i had lived for 18 months before did not have that restriction. Also they would not give me the dosage I need of my mood stabilizer.

The public clinic here is excellent with knowing and providing info about all kinds of other resources out there. It's been really helpful.
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Old 08-07-2014, 07:18 AM
  # 431 (permalink)  
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Chic....I am sorry you are struggling. Tight Tight hugs. Vent away, that is what we are here for!!!

Much Love!
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Old 08-07-2014, 07:26 AM
  # 432 (permalink)  
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thank you, all.

I am trying to reach someone at the county board of Dev. Disabilities council. gotta start somewhere.

I think my girls will help me if I need an *early Christmas present*, of a tablet, or ipad, for internet purposes.

I am already hiding the good coffee---he can drink the junky stuff...lol.. he eats little so I can hardly buy less than he already eats. but I am doing that. not getting the things I used to , to be thoughtful.

I appreciate the help and support, so much. ty.
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Old 08-07-2014, 07:34 AM
  # 433 (permalink)  
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chicory...please don't decide on failure while you are still in the middle of the river.
After all, if you can't picture success in this...how is he expected to? Negative thinking can be "catching".

I have seen the most seriously challenged individuals who have achieved an independent living---at least, living away from the parental home. It IS possible.
Even if he ended up living in a special group home.....that doesn't mean that he would be unhappy...actually, quite the opposite.
Believe me, he doesn't like living with you, either. Even if he doesn't say it directly--all kids resent being dependent under the parent's wing (even when they are availing themselves of the "perks"). That is a basic reason that teens turn so nasty--it is preparation for the flight away from the parental nest (eventually).

CHICORY...I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS AND I KNOW HOW HIS DEFENSIVE "STONEWALLING" CAN JUST MAKE YOUR BLOOD BOIL WITH ANGE AND FRUSTRATION. tHIS IS WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO KEEP HIM OUT OF YOUR HEAD SPACE...as much as humanly possible.
It is sort of like waiting for Christmas...the closer it gets; the longer it seems.
In reality, you have m ore power than him....you just have to remember this.

Things ARE going to change...because you have n ow deemed it so.

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Old 08-07-2014, 07:46 AM
  # 434 (permalink)  
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Chico ry...just read your previous post AFTER I posted mine.

Contacting the Developmental Disabilities Counsel is an excellent idea and a very good place to start. This is exactly the type of tenacity that is needed.
Chicory...this is not the action of a person who is hopelessly discouraged!! (smile).
This is a big step on YOUR part.

I am doing a little dance.....

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Old 08-07-2014, 07:51 AM
  # 435 (permalink)  
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Just think of sitting on your new tablet in a peaceful library or barnes and noble, with no stomping.

you can start leaving a tip jar by the coffeepot? will he take the hint?

Do you give him a list of mandatory household tasks so he can contribute SOMETHING? even cleaning the bathrooms is a start.

OH, I saw the newest 7" Samsung galaxy tablets at Costco for $149.00 they were quite nice, like a BIG phone, very thin and light for your purse.
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Old 08-07-2014, 07:54 AM
  # 436 (permalink)  
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((((((((Chickie))))))))) Don't give up! Dandy's visual of not deciding on failure in the middle of crossing the river is a STRONG one, I hope you use it when you are feeling weak.

I still have no real experience here, but just wanted to let you know I'm still here silently cheering for you every day!
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Old 08-07-2014, 08:26 AM
  # 437 (permalink)  
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I guess my discouragement is coming from me knowing that you cannot make someone want to get well. you cannot make them get sober. I worry that his alcoholism/dependency/self-medicating will be his biggest hurdle and I cannot fix that.

Yes, I want him out, but not homeless. I want him in therapy, and I am trying to think positively, but it is not easy at times. If I knew that we could fix people, I would be smiling to beat the band, singing halleleuia (sp) because I am one of the most determined people I know, when I know something is doable. I love a challenge. I never give up.

but, I also know that I cannot make him want to recover from using alcohol.

I guess I need to write down my goals... so I can see what my expectations are, and not see it all as one big thing , because it isn't my job to fix things for him.

I guess stopping the enabling is my job. And perhaps it will be possible to get him to try therapy, since he would probably do it to have internet access.

He needs to see how much he is using others, and why he is doing so. Why he never succeeds, when he has such a brain.

If you met him, you would never think he needed to live in a group home, you would think he was plenty smart enough to be independent. But I bet he would be so much happier..how come he fights things that could help him? what could be wrong with him,,, makes me crazy.

selfish, afraid, low self esteem, dependent, personality disorder? all of these?

I am not being brave, I am just blindly putting one arm in front of the other, swimming an ocean that I feel has no end. I know you say its a river, Dandylion, and I will have to trust you on that one
But I know that it often feels that way, before we learn how to use our power. I am sure I have some, I just need to not be afraid to use it.

fandy, thats a great price! think I will ask my d to check it out. she has a costco plan, I think. And as to chores,,, you have never seen anyone move so quickly through chores... but good idea, anyway, but the nagging to do it feels so wrong! like how should you have to nag a 42 year old to do their chores???

hugs to all.
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Old 08-07-2014, 08:31 AM
  # 438 (permalink)  
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ok off to work.. lady called frin dev disability and pointed me to mental health org. will chekc with them today from work, so hugs to all. i dont have my glassses on, late getting ready..

love and hugs!
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Old 08-07-2014, 08:42 AM
  # 439 (permalink)  
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Old 08-07-2014, 08:45 AM
  # 440 (permalink)  
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chicory....I only used the group home situation as a worst case scenario to demonstrate how others have had to overcome very large obstacles. I am not saying that this would be the same situation with your son, at all.

I'm sure that he has many natural talents that have never been actualized, as of yet (for whatever reason). This is the whole reason to get a proper diagnosis and treatment.

We all are inclined to do future tripping and get tangled up in our own fears.
This is why we are so often admonished to STAY IN THE PRESENT.

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