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A long road - Part 1

Old 07-20-2014, 04:42 PM
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Well, it didn't last long. I had to ask him if he was going to make the appt, or if I should. He then went back to the anger.

I am calling tomorrow and making an appt, and if he does not go, I shall go get an ipad, I hear they are nice.

I don't know how much longer I can bear this angry person. he hit his door again and made another hole, which he is patching at the moment. blaming me, I harass him obviously. I wonder seriously, maybe he is bipolar. Maybe that is what I am looking at here.

talking to him is useless and asking for more trouble.

no wonder I felt ill at ease,,, I could tell it wasn't real, his cooperation.

so sad and hopeless, again.
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Old 07-20-2014, 04:59 PM
  # 342 (permalink)  
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chicory, it takes a little time to get these things set up and going. It does not sound like bi-polar, to me. He isn't going to change around overnight--especially since he has not even seen anyone, yet.

For the moment, patience with the process is your best bet....and keeping a very calm, low profile. I suggest that as little talking as possible about it would be a good idea. Show as much detachment as humanly possible to his anger reactions. Your response only reinforces it, actually.

Chicory, this has been going on for years....it is reasonable to expect that it will not be completely seamless and that you might feel discouraged o n some days.

Chicory, right now is the time to remember NOT to give up in the middle of the stream.

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Old 07-20-2014, 05:11 PM
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Thankyou Dandy. I do just want to give up. I am tired.

It was so hard not to respond tonight. I tried, and he kept saying, "Tell me one reason why I need to go". I told him that we have talked about it too much and I wasn't going to be drawn into arguing, which is why he said that.

sometimes I think he is just crazy. He says not being employed, living with his mom who harasses him, and not having anything and his sinus driving him insane, etc etc.


I detached as well as I could, not very well, but better than in the past. I know that things dont change overnight, and thanks for saying that.

I will try to find my feet here. guess I will call the therapist tomorrow. she always tells me to call if I need to, but it always goes to answering service and she does not get back with me. maybe she calls my work number, and I am gone by then.

Pathetic of me to be so weak, and crybaby. I have not learned much, I dont think, about how to keep focused.

thanks for the encouragement. I am feeling very weak today, but it will get better.
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Old 07-20-2014, 05:15 PM
  # 344 (permalink)  
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(((((chicory)))). I have an iPad. It takes a good long while to get used to. maybe a tablet like the Samsung? Ask our Fandy, she will know.

much much love to you!

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Old 07-20-2014, 05:34 PM
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I just dropped in to catch up and leave you a bucket of hugs, Chic, and rev up my prayers for you and your son both.

You are doing amazingly well, one day at a time, and I pray that one day soon he will get the help he so needs.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs.
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Old 07-20-2014, 05:39 PM
  # 346 (permalink)  
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chicory...sometimes when I am very discouraged....I tell myself that I will look at things in the morning light. Things always seem more doable in the morning.
I try to block out thinking about really heavy or scarey things at night time.

I would rather watch an informercial than think about heavy things....LOL!

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Old 07-20-2014, 06:07 PM
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I have the Samsung Galaxy Note 3 tablet...it works just like my phone. they are probably much cheaper now as they are 8 months old. it's light and thin, easy to work and a split screen. you can play with them at any Best Buy.

Breaking the door is not acceptable....you need to call for back-up, you do NOT need to accept being terrorized by him in your own home. If he wants to throw a tantrum, let him do it in front of your son in law...and that's just what it is...an immature reaction like a spoiled child....he needs to reel it in...and he is capable of this, I think that he WANTS to scare you sometimes so you won't follow through.

He can't blame you for his own bull-ony much longer, no one is buying his story.

I'm sorry you are upset....I will send Sammy immediately to sleep on your bed.
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Old 07-20-2014, 07:03 PM
  # 348 (permalink)  
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Ok, come on Sammy! He will protect me!

you are all so wonderful. good friends. I know I must seem so weak and that some of this must seem madeup- its so ridiculous.
ok, I will stop thinking of it tonight. I will read a bit and fall asleep in about four minutes.

I do appreciate the hugs , prayers, and just your input makes this bearable. thank you so much.

I guess at least I am doing something, instead of waiting for things to improve, like I did for so long. He kept telling me it was not having a job. but heck, there is such turnover in this town, he could have been hired twenty five times by now, somewhere.

ok, stopping now.. many hugs, and I just love you all.

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Old 07-21-2014, 12:30 AM
  # 349 (permalink)  
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sounds to me like you need Cujo rather than Sammie!

I'll be back later. I wrote a post and lost it.

I love you, Chicory. you deserve a peaceful life.

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Old 07-21-2014, 04:09 AM
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I have three Cujo types I could loan you--trouble is, it's only visual bling.

My giant 130 pound Brindle Mastiff / Lab (Grendel the Brindle) cross looks the fiercest but lives for tummy rubbings and cuddles.

They are all three big muffin heads that would lick you senseless instead of bite
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Old 07-21-2014, 04:12 AM
  # 351 (permalink)  
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You are not weak, he just wears you out...and he has lots of practice. His only option actually..wear you out so you shut up and leave him to continue...but you aren't buying it. YOU have taken action.

follow your plan and don't speak with him if it starts him off. YOU are still in control here, your house, your rules.
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Old 07-21-2014, 04:44 AM
  # 352 (permalink)  
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Little less talk and a lot more action, as they say.

hugs all. off to work for me. Have a wonderful day!
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Old 07-21-2014, 06:40 AM
  # 353 (permalink)  
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Chic...that you say he has broken the door...again....is sign enough of why he needs to go. I agree, you should not be terrorized in your home. We had an ipad, I like it b/c it is just like my phone so I know how to use it. I am sure there are tons of tablets that are great.

I am so sorry you have to deal with him and with this. I cannot even imagine. We are here for you....always.

XXX
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Old 07-21-2014, 07:28 AM
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Still on the sidelines here cheering for you Chic. I'd be happy to loan out any & all of the Pride of Cats on my house too - our Gizmo has perfected shooting a raised-eyebrow-stink-eye look that makes you know that he means... "Hey Bozo - back the eff off or I may be tempted to scratch at your eyelids."

((((hugs)))) Just keep doing the next right thing for you - Fandy is right, his tactic to wear you down only works when you engage & the longer you go without engaging, the more of your energy you are using to fuel yourself in other, more positive ways. I hope you have a BEAUTIFUL day!
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Old 07-21-2014, 05:08 PM
  # 355 (permalink)  
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Thanks for the lovely support , you guys. What would I do if I had never found SR? I hopestly think it has kept me sane, and I know it has helped me to find the courage to do the things I have put off for so long. I always knew it was going to be ugly, just did not know how ugly.

I calledmy therapist today, and asked her if I make the appt, or if he does. She said he needs to call. She is able to give the therapist a heads up, on the lies and schmoozing he will do. Of course, what transpires between them is confidential to them, but it is good that she will know that he abuses alcohol, has never been independent, and so forth.

I guess the fact that he has never been independent must hurt, and maybe that is why he tries so hard to deny the truth. I think he would implode if he had to believe the truth about his self. Can someone be so in denial, and protect their mode of survival so crazily and not be crazy? I am so worried that he may be much sicker than I think, and all this time I did not really think so. If he truly believed that he had been independent, I would be worried, but he just denies that he wasn't ever independent. I think he is ashamed, but too selfish to do the work to change things.

anyway. I called him, and told him he must call and make an appt before wednesday, or the internet is gone. He keeps acting like "why the heck are you bringing this up again"? or telling me I am crazy, that billions are unemployed and that he needs the internet to be able to get a job..etc

He was so nasty, it makes me physically ill. I did not engage. I have pretty much ignored all he has been doing to get me to argue. I guess he figures if he argues enough, he will get his way.. like he has done since childhood.

he called my daughter today, and she pretty much let him have her opinion and it was ugly between them. she worries for me, but i am pretty sure he is just being a bully. not a danger. but I watch, and I would not take for granted my safety.

other daughter is pretty much ready to send her cop hubby over and give him a good talking to. the heck with any hard feelings left over in the future. son will get over it. he is pretty forgiving, actually. and gets along with some who have had hard words for him, in the past.

oh well, he said he will :do this and get it f###ing over with, and then maybe I will stop harassing him. then it will be DONE. as he says.

Its only begun at that point. I think I will be pushing for him to get disability, maybe threaten to throw him out if he does not file for it, if he gets some sort of diagnosis which warrants it.

I really hope my son is not so very mentally ill, as he acts when he throws these tantrums. I hope its something that they can help him with.

I am gonna get into my jammies and read a book, for the rest of the evening. I am whooped!

love and hugs,
chicory
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Old 07-21-2014, 05:15 PM
  # 356 (permalink)  
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Its only begun at that point. I think I will be pushing for him to get disability, maybe threaten to throw him out if he does not file for it, if he gets some sort of diagnosis which warrants it.
Don't make threats you won't follow through with, hon. That will just put you back at square one. If you threaten to do something, be sure it's something you will actually do. (((HUGS)))
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Old 07-21-2014, 05:58 PM
  # 357 (permalink)  
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True Suki. But I cannot live the rest of my life with him, that is my dream. I want him safe, and hopefully straightened out, but I cannot live my life out, with him.

I thought he would get on his feet by now, but there is some sort of problem, and he is in total denial. Whether its his addiction to internet, substance abuse, or just lazy selfishness, he hasn't kept a job for enough time to buy a car, rent an apt, or any of the usual things people do.

but you are right. I will be very careful of what I threaten, believe me. Its gotta be doable, thats for sure. I can't go through this kind of stress without it taking a heavy toll on me.

thanks and (((Hugs))) back at you, dear.
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Old 07-22-2014, 01:17 AM
  # 358 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
You are not weak, he just wears you out...and he has lots of practice. His only option actually..wear you out so you shut up and leave him to continue...but you aren't buying it. YOU have taken action.

follow your plan and don't speak with him if it starts him off. YOU are still in control here, your house, your rules.
Sweetheart ~ there is mental illness, and there is manipulation and bullying.
He needs to follow your requirements here, or leave.

You have done, and are doing everything a mother could do to help her child. He needs to tow the line now.

No matter what, we are all by your side.

Love V xx ♥
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Old 07-22-2014, 03:20 AM
  # 359 (permalink)  
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((((Venus)))) thanks sweetie. I am so blessed to have the support from all of you. It helps me to keep the right things in mind, to do something differently. Hey, did you notice I used the pretty pic you sent me ( a little while back) of the chicory with Queen Ann's lace in it, for my avatar? it is so beautiful.. thank you!

Last night wasn't too bad. He did try to engage me in fussing about what his sister said on the phone to him. He is angry at his dad, for not helping him when he went to live there for what turned out to be one month. He is super angry, and I think its frustration about a lot of things and that if he can get into counseling, it will do him more good than he can imagine it could.

He has been saying he is just going to leave, but then he realizes, he has no where to go. No one will take him in, again. He has done this sort of thing to most everyone he knows. I would think that this is a 'truth in his face', that he cannot deny. No one will let him do what he has been doing anymore. He always says its only me, and that others don't think he has a problem. I am sure that if he asks most friends, they won't be honest, because it would only start an argument and the denials.

Anyway, I need to stop venting all this stuff, and try to look outward. Its so important to me to enjoy my family and my job, and to be grateful for what I have.
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Old 07-22-2014, 03:27 AM
  # 360 (permalink)  
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One of the things I have really learned this past week, is that you don't have to stop venting at all. But you do need to do the things that are important to you, and that you love. Yes, we can become overwhelmed and consumed by negative situations. But when it deprives of us all that is good, well, there need to be changes.

And you are already making all of those changes.
So what you need now is balance. Some good stuff for chic. chic time.

I can see those paints and brushes coming out of the cupboard...I'm sure there is room for an easel....

(((hugs)))

Love you,

V xx
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