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A long road - Part 1

Old 07-15-2014, 03:51 AM
  # 301 (permalink)  
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I hope that he passes his drug test, it seems that you have provided a "catalyst" by your firmness in standing your ground. this is real improvement. He may kick up a fuss but his back is up to the wall if he loses his internet.

it is exhausting trying to outthink him with the mail and the postal service, I'm sure. I think that you are getting so much control back though and I'm glad the therapy for you is continuing.
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Old 07-15-2014, 07:53 PM
  # 302 (permalink)  
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Fandy

I am uneasy, but am waiting to talk to her tomorrow. I plan to ask her how I can word it to son, so he understands better what they might be able to do for him, should he accept this mission to get help.

love and hugs,
chic
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Old 07-16-2014, 04:16 AM
  # 303 (permalink)  
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Hi chic;
I know you are an early morning person / poster too so thought I would wish you a postive
day.

Your son may or may not "choose" to understand what you are saying no matter how you word it, so don't feel bad just keep the pressure up.

Did he pass the drug test and get the job?
Has he applied for any other ones, and what is your back-up plan should none of them pan out?

These might be some topics you "run through" with the therapist today also to try to get
some direction with her help.

Hang in there dear friend
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Old 07-16-2014, 04:20 AM
  # 304 (permalink)  
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Chic I think he's closed off the "this can help me" acceptance. He my not realize it until he gets a few sessions in...but like Hawkeye said, you just keep the statements you made in place and follow through. It is not your job to explain his life to him, he has to figure it out for himself, you are just doing what YOU need to do for both of you to live better lives (and you to have some peace of mind and stop supporting him like an middle aged teenager).

hope you have a great day off with good weather and no altercations..and yes, he needs to keep applying and I hope he does not sabotage his drug test too.
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Old 07-16-2014, 05:49 AM
  # 305 (permalink)  
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I think he will be alright with the drug test. he hasn't been with friends for a bit. should be fine. I will insist he find other employment as well, to bring in enough money to support his self. heaven knows if he will keep the jobs, but life will not be easy should he lose them.

its tiring putting up boundaries, once the bull knows he can break down the fence! but Mr. Bully will find out that I am installing electric fence. gonna hurt if he messes with my boundaries that I put up with blood sweat and tears.
I talk big, huh? but I mean to do everything I can no matter how hard.

hugs and thanks. I love my rooting section!
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Old 07-16-2014, 06:44 AM
  # 306 (permalink)  
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Oh, I love the electric fence reference!

Continuing to follow & send you lots of positive energy Chicory; you are making great strides with baby steps. ((((hugs))))
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Old 07-16-2014, 06:48 AM
  # 307 (permalink)  
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Just want to drop in and give you a big hug!

((Chic))
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Old 07-16-2014, 07:39 AM
  # 308 (permalink)  
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perhaps a taser if he gets in your face again?

serously, he knows mama has been supporting him now for 8+ years, he thinks this will continue indefinitely and he will be "needed" later as you advance in age. Telling him the truth now will save him in the long run from making your senior years filled with crazy.

He needs to be as self sufficient as possible and having a padded nest to land in complete with central AC, sleeping privacy, a full fridge and internet/tv/radio/clean laundry/bathrooms doesn't encourage him to take care of himself.

hopefully getting somewhere in therapy will teach him something.
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Old 07-16-2014, 03:20 PM
  # 309 (permalink)  
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As I left for my therapy, I told son where I was going. I asked if he had heard from the therapists office. He got all indignant again, mentioned getting back and forth to the place.. mentioned that he is going to be working and it will interfere...etc. Asked what makes me think they could help him. I told him that I dont know, and he won't know either, unless he goes.

He hatefully said he would go, just to keep internet on for job stuff. Then he came out and said, 'On second thought, I wont be brow beaten- never mind, I will just do without the internet'.

Off to my appt. and she talked most of the time about son. She asked many questions over the last three appts. She feels that even though she cannot diagnose him without knowing him, she feels it is personality disorder. throw in some narcissism, anxiety, etc. and if he gets help, he may have a chance. gave me name of someone in her office, who is good with dual diagnosis type patient situations. She said to call the office I sent paperwork to, and to tell them some things about him, as his denial, his alcohol problem, his anxiety, his lack of ever being self sufficient. they wont tell me anything but I can tell them so they are not fed a line of crap from him, if he goes.
I have to do that tomorrow. then ask if they call him or if he makes the appt, or if I can .

If he does not go, then I have to shut the internet down, I have no other choice. I will have son in law come and tell him what he better refrain from, as in being abusive to me, in case he gets stupid. Who knows. I have my crisis number, they send mental experts, and a cop, to evaluate a situation if it arises.

so, still at a pause, and it is getting to me, as I am pretty down today, thinking of how long my son has needed help. some people may have a condition which prevents them from realizing they need help. it has always been someone elses problem, for him. which fits in perfectly with my T's opinion.

this is no quick fix, either. but if I dont push for this, no one else will. I feel like maybe I should be on some sort of mental health board, instead of here, but alcohol abuse by him brought me here, and will still play a big part in things, I bet.

hugs
chic
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Old 07-16-2014, 04:04 PM
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chicory....I am so glad that you finally have someone that you can talk to about your son. I know this "limbo" period is hard when you want to see some results so badly. "Hurry up and wait" is always sooo hard to actually do!

You do sound more settled than you did when you were foaming at the mouth from anxiety and anger...LOL. You sound realistic, yet hopeful, and with a plan in your pocket.

One almost has to laugh at his passive aggressive attempt to disarm you---"Leave me alone, I will just sit alone, in the dark". A little quacking, I think. He will try all of the tools in his arsenal, of course----best behavior; puffy-toad temper tantrum; passive aggressive moves to make you feel guilty; accusations and criticisms of you........etc.
This would be only natural (for him)....he has got to be feeling the pressure that something is being expected of him. I'm sure that his anxiety level is up also--his isolation and self-medication is not working to protect him from the outside world so much as it has been.

Chicory...have you ever thought of the things that you would be doing if your son wasn't living there and you weren't spending so much energy and head space worrying about him? The reason that I ask that is because I know how much different the world looks when one has some things to look forward for themselves--something satisfying to get up out of bed for........
We are always advising those who are consumed with an alcoholic partner to start spending their life energy on themselves.......but, I think that applies in other situations, also.

I am so glad to hear your report from today's session. I had been thinking about you, today. Just remember how many others have been in your situation or are still struggling with it. Lots of other mothers.
I think you are doing just great moving forward with this.

dandylion

P.S. There IS a mental health section section of SR.....I tend to forget that there are so many other sections here......maybe there would be some support there for you also....
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Old 07-16-2014, 04:07 PM
  # 311 (permalink)  
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I hope he agrees to get help. I am praying for a good outcome for you. I wish I lived closer, we could visit and talk. (and pet cats)

I'm sorry you have to live like this. Can you talk to him about filing for disability? If he got that he'd have money to have his own place. For the sake of both of you, but especially for you, I hope he'll think about applying for disability.
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Old 07-16-2014, 04:13 PM
  # 312 (permalink)  
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Chic, I'm just getting caught up on here. I'll continue to pray that things will turn around for you. In spite of all that's happened, you manage to maintain your humor and upbeat attitude. I think you're amazing.
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Old 07-16-2014, 04:35 PM
  # 313 (permalink)  
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(((((((((Chicory)))))))))))
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Old 07-16-2014, 05:15 PM
  # 314 (permalink)  
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Also want to give you a huge hug love.
Of course this is all getting to you, no matter how strong your resolve is.
I'm here, as we all are, to support you every step of the way.

So much love,

V xx
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Old 07-16-2014, 05:25 PM
  # 315 (permalink)  
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I hope that tomorrow you feel better after some sleep...I am relieved that you have both contacted your son in law and confided in the therapist and she is helping you sooner rather than later.

one thing I believe...He is BLUFFING...because he believes that you WON'T shut off the cable Wi-Fi. he knows it is your lifeline. change your password ,erase your histories daily..i would not doubt he reads your stuff or reads what you have written here. he is desperate and will do desperate things..don't think he will respect your privacy, he won't.

If you lived here we could pet cats and walk Sammy....I just noticed a young kitten outside while walking Sammy, I put him in and ran out with a can of Fancy Feast but he was gone...I think either he belongs to someone or he got dumped...I hope it is the first one.

good night's sleep and do not give him further information, just talk to the therapist and your son in law...(JMHO). hugs too...and from Perry.
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Old 07-16-2014, 07:53 PM
  # 316 (permalink)  
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Dandylion, I am glad too. and yes, waiting is hard. I try to remain positive, because although he may never get help, he might!

Yes, too, on how funny he is, with the transparency of his tactics. He is in such denial! He even tells hisself that these crazy insults, threats, and pouting will work to change my mind. wow.
I know he is anxious. but getting this job going is occupying him a bit, thank goodness.

Yes, once in a while, I daydream of things I could and would do. I feel sad, but as his mom, and his family, I feel like I owe it to him to try to get him help, if it is a mental disorder. He may not see it, and may be sincere in his opinion that its me, not him, that has a problem.

I would love to do so many things. His room used to be my art/computer room. He did not always live with me, during the last 8 years. he was here and there, off and on. but mostly with me. probably total of 7 years of it. thats a lot.

thanks for thinking of me, and I will check out the mental health section.. I had not thought about it.

Least, thanks so much, wish we were closer too.

It could be worse. but it could be better too. I may be able to
force him into filing for disability, if he does not have any other
choice, if they determine he has some disorder. I have mentioned it before,
and he gets very indignant. thinks its only the economy making his life tough, and living with his crazy mom..lol.

Hevyn, thank you for the prayers! I would not be so hopeful
or have any humor left, if not for everyone here. I am not amazing, but I am
stubborn..lol. and desperate!

((((Live)))) I answered your pm...

Venus,thank you for the hugs, and for being here, but especially because they are healing hugs, you know. I appreciate you so much. I hope you are feeling better sweetie. You have had a rough time of it lately. love and hugs to you.

Fandy, I hope to get some good sleep. I love the cooler weather, for sleeping.
I believe he is bluffing too. You are right. But I do think he is getting an uneasy
feeling that I will shut it off. He has too many things he does on the internet
to pay any attention to me. I log out and erase history, but he could find it
if he wanted to. I dont think he has, or he would be furious with me,
and he would just HAVE to address some things I have said.
Unfortunately, I know him pretty well by now.. argh...
but still I log out of SR every time I leave.

I wish I lived there too... I would be so excited to see your
cats and Sammy. I would love to see where you live and enjoy your
lovely home. and those beautiful breads. You could give
me a make over advice session!

you are all the best. I hold you all in my heart, with gratitude.
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Old 07-17-2014, 07:14 AM
  # 317 (permalink)  
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Chic, him "not getting help" is NOT an option for you here....You have come way too far to let go of this and let him continue to live off of you while you clothe, feed and provide a home for him with all the hotel amenities.

He may be going to treatment kicking and screaming, but you will insist that he goes to get some help or he'll pitch a tent on the front lawn. do NOT let him bully you to make you upset and back down, believe me he doesn't feel bad when he does it, in his little pointy head, his behavior is justified.

I will send Sammy to keep everyone in check. (he loves cats)
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Old 07-17-2014, 07:17 AM
  # 318 (permalink)  
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chicory.....now, I am curious...what kinds of art do you do? This must mean that you have a strong creative side.....?

Please splain it to me, Lucy.......


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Old 07-17-2014, 07:39 AM
  # 319 (permalink)  
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Hi Chic, just caught up with the last week's posts and I was amazed at how far you've come, even more impressed because there was resistance all the way.
Of course the more you back him into a corner the bigger the tantrum. I hope he can keep his job because it will make a positive difference to his outlook. He'll actually see other people, interact with them, maybe have a few laughs.
Keep going, maybe the end is in sight.
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Old 07-17-2014, 07:40 AM
  # 320 (permalink)  
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Hi Chic....I am hoping you still find a little time to enjoy doing some art. My X is a wonderful artist and that is one of the few things I felt ever gave him a true outlet in a healthy way.

Just thinking about you and sending you some huge hugs today!!!

XXX
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