SusyQ

I am imagining that I smell alcohol, and his face is swollen and that he is acting strangely.
Everything is fine. Its me. I need to just let the past go.
So yesterday ,and Sat and Friday he was drunk.
But thats my imagination. And its my daughter's imagination, and my roomates imagination, we are all wrong.He went to a meeting and the funny thing is they discussed the very things I was talking about.
Not that that it matters because he says, I just need to stop feeling upset , and just trust him. Because I cant prove it, that he has been drinking.

Tentindependent

He has no right to even try to dictate your feelings or memories. No one does.

SusyQ

I know right? He just pretends. He has a secret fantasy life.
His own little party. He smiles and pretends to everyone.
He cant just be honest. He hides and lies
How am I not supposed to be angry?

SnoozyQ

Hiya Susy ,
he is passing the buck as he doesn't want to admit it , he is probably lying to himself as well .

Take a step back for you and your daughter .
I wish you well and hope things get better xx

dandylion

SusyQ---you don't need to prove anything! You know what you know. You feel what you feel. Your knowledge and feelings are just as valid as anyone's on this planet.

It is your job to take care of your own welfare--and, that means your emotional welfare as well as that of your daughter. He is not going to.

A first baby step would be to go to the next alanon meeting.

You have given your power over to him..by the sound of things. When you start taking your own power back---this will start to look and feel different to you.

You are not alone in this,

dandylion

FeelingGreat

It's counter to everything we've learned, like trusting our eyes, nose and other senses, when an A straight out denies something obvious! My sister did it to me a few times and it left me speechless. I didn't see how you could deny something we all knew had happened.

Did you have a plan for when he relapses?

dandylion

SusyQ--I suggest that you look up "gaslighting". I believe that is what is happening to you --among other things, of course.

Start trusting yourself. You have no control over him--and you can't trust an active alcoholic.
When their lips are moving--they are lying.

dandylion

unsureoffuture

This is exactly my AH. He hides and pretends everything is normal. It drives me crazy because then I second guess...do I really smell it..., is he really drinking etc etc. I've learned to trust my gut. If it walks like a duck, smells like a duck...lol.

They are so manipulative. It's a ploy to continue their addiction. They try and make you doubt yourself. Its very frustrating.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics ALWAYS blame other people in an effort to deflect attention from their drinking. But it's not about him, it's about you and your reaction to it, what you want from life. In Alanon (a lifesaver for me) I learned to accept the fact that I am powerless over people, places and things.

SusyQ

Thankyou.Gaslighting. Feeling in the gut. Yes it all makes sense. I just started that when I see him drunk. I remove myself from him period. When we spoke last night I asked him why does he want to with me? It seems like its more about the deception. He likes playing the game. Pulling one over on me. We dont really have any life together.

Taking5

Not sure of your or Alanon's stance on this, but if he is sober he should be willing to pee test using one of these:

ETG Alcohol Testing - Drug Testing Network

lovetohikect

For years, in high school, college and even post-college as a second job, I worked the night shift in one of the few restaurants in town that was open post-bar time. People drinking and drunk? Oh man I saw every variation, I could write a book. Quiet, loud, raucous, introverted, aggressive, silly, mean, loving... all kinds of drinking, all kinds of drunks. To the point that I permanently lost my taste for liquor.

To this day I have retained my sixth sense for when someone has been drinking, yet my son will look me right in the eye, breath alcohol fumes right in my face, and say I'm the crazy one, to possibly think he could have been drinking.

I've stopped letting him tell me I'm crazy, but in exchange I am no longer calling him out as drunk, I'm just ignoring him. There is NO arguing with a drunk, there just isn't.

You're not the crazy one.

Jane

SusyQ

Well, I have thought about getting the test. It would be a scene every time I do it. Which brings me to the conclusion , is this how I want to live? Feeling Great asked what was the plan for when he relapses? It's that what is done? What kind of plan?
I am just about ready to seperate. But I know even if we split
I have a lot to learn. I have to prepare to turn my life completely upside down,I know for the better.

dandylion

When my adult son had been drinking---I would say "You have been drinking"---if he tried to deny it.....I would interrupt him and say: "That was a statement--not a question!"

(he was not allowed to come to the house if he had been drinking)

dandylion

Recovering2

Think long and hard about drug testing him. Do you really want to become the Alcohol Police for an adult? That just keeps you in the middle of the crazy, IMO. You know when he's drinking, it really doesn't matter what he says because the A will lie. Move forward and focus on you instead.

Taking5

Alanon and this forum can help you with this.

aroundtheblock

I bought a breathalyzer on line. If my AH wanted to go out with me and I suspected he was drinking he'd have to blow. No blow...no go. And no attitude. Now as his drinking has wound down to almost zero he finds the breathalyzer to show me "all zeroes" and gets a smile from me.
It took years to get to this point and I beg anyone who isn't entrenched with an alcoholic by marriage/kids/obligation to look for the life you really deserve, you can not fix him/her.

honeypig

It sounds to me as if you've got your head screwed on fairly straight, SusyQ--asking yourself if this is the way you want to live is a very good start on your own recovery. You can't change him or what he does or how he chooses to live, but you certainly can decide what you want from life and take steps to get it.

As far as "turning your life upside down", you are right on w/that--I've seen recovery described as being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don't understand yet. But the rewards are great. This thread is one of my favorites: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

Have you read thru the stickied threads at the top of the page? There is a lot of wisdom there. I'd also like to recommend that you check into an Alanon meeting soon. Here's a link to help you find one: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Welcome to SR, and I hope you find the help you need here.

fluffyflea

Trust your gut, he is Gaslighting you.

SusyQ

Oh my God! I cant express how it feels to just be able to tell someone who understands and doesn't tell me, that I need to get him help . To just do this or just do that to force him to quit
That I need fix him! THANKYOU Thankyou Thankyou.
I need help, I need to pursue my own well being, and education. I might test him if I can see he has been drinking and is going to get in a car and drive. I wont warn him.
That is as extreme as I am am willing to get.
And if I have a feeling , he is doing exactly as you all have described, is gaslighting me. It helps so much just to be understood.thankyou again .Yes, I was looking as the reading.
My AH is passive agressive. But when I try talk to him, he does yell.