lovetohikect

Okay wise people, I need your input here!

I am the mom of the 24 year old liver transplant patient (first post below) who both drinks and drug abuses. I noted in an earlier post that, to give ourselves a break, we had moved him into a summer share in a nearby large city. Yes, the cost of that share will negate any summer vacation WE might have taken, but it's okay. Really.

Our son has nothing to do, all day, every day. So far as I know, he goes to his doctor appointments, and he has a very small translating job that he does as he feels moved, which isn't very often, but that's it. We have been urging him to get a summer job, of any kind at all, so that he can pay some of his food and entertainment bills. He has stubbornly refused to get a job over the past 13 months since he has been living in our state, and so far as we know he has not been employed before that, either.

I should note that, at our urging, last fall he had applied for SSI. He was denied because, in his medical doctors' opinion, he is capable of working.

So, yesterday was his 15 yo sister's confirmation. Although we let him know it was happening, and offered to pick him up at the train station if he decided to attend, he did not show up, but that was really still okay. He is odd-looking and acting to the point that our daughter is mortified to be seen in public with him, and I guess we were just as glad that his presence didn't impact her special day.

However, I did get up this morning to find that he had stolen $60 from our bank account to order on-line food delivery. This continues his pattern of survival from way back ... he orders expensive carry-out food, rather than just talk with us straight-up about needing groceries or grocery money. Or, as I say, God forbid, getting a job to cover his own expenses.

I am just titanically angry about this. He knows I've been back and forth to the city where he lives several times since he moved there, and we even had a "date" for him to meet me at a nearby grocery store last week (he stood us up). I sent him a very nasty text, but now I am concerned because I had told him I'd pick him up this afternoon to take him to his new psychiatrist. (#4 in the past 12 months). I think that he will now skip the appointment as a way to punish me for sending him the angry text.

I know that the situation is what it is. I know that I can't control the rotten things he does, and that I'll be doing well to control the things I do. I am praying for serenity, not to get so spun up and crazy furious over this. And yes, I am breaking down and going to an Al-Anon meeting in a nearby town, tonight.

But still... how do you guys deal with the anger?

Jane

p.s. Yes I know we have to protect ourselves financially, better than we do (we close down our debit cards on an average of once every two months and have changed banks 3 times now). (And we live as if we're on Rikers Island in terms of our cash and other valuables.) My post is really more directed at dealing with angry feelings...

SparkleKitty

The only way I have ever found of dealing with anger is to work towards total acceptance of people and things as they really are, not as I wish they would be, and make choices accordingly. It is not an overnight process by any means, but then neither was the process by which I got into situations that sparked long-term destructive anger within me. I wish you and your husband strength, peace and clarity through this challenge.

suki44883

Identify the trigger of your anger and then do everything in your power to change it. It seems like your son's refusal to work and his drinking/drugging and stealing from you is the trigger. I suggest you start by fixing it so he has no access to your bank accounts.

You cannot force him to get a job or stop drinking/drugging, but you can set boundaries for yourself to not enable him. As long as he has what he needs, he sees no reason to change anything. Yes, he has health issues, but if he's not willing to put forth any effort, then why should you?

Refiner

I guess I'm still at a loss as to why you open yourselves up to get angry to begin with. I mean, when does his Merry-Go-Round stop? How does he even have access to your bank accounts? And good for that doctor to deny him to get on public welfare when he's an able-bodied person... now your talking about him mooching of of ME and I take that very personally. You are the one giving him every opportunity to continue to use you and do things to anger you.

queenapple

It's normal to be angry when a kid taps into your bank account, won't work and is generally draining you dry. Add to the fact that they look and act "odd," (I have one of those, too) and it's much easier not to have them show up at family gatherings, so I understand your relief there. I'd ask how he's accessing your bank accounts, but I know from my sister's experiences with her heroin-addicted son that they're extremely resourceful when they want to be. If only they put half that effort into finding a job.

Set boundaries as best you can. Don't pay off drug dealers, even if he says they'll kill him-- or you. If you can't cut him off completely, pay for his living space--it doesn't have to be a "nice" place, either-- so you know he's not living on the street and a minimal amount for groceries. Keep your bank info, including all your checks, etc, with you at all times or at a friend's house. Sooner or later, this will come to a head--he'll be caught stealing stuff to pawn, or whatever, and he'll be sent to jail or rehab. Not what you want, but the inevitable result of this lifestyle.

Hopeful4Change

Jane, I'm very new at this so don't have much to suggest. I just wanted to offer you a ((hug)) and let you know that I will be attending my first ala-non meeting tonight, too. I'll send you healing vibes.

A couple of years ago I was a total mess - angry and confused about whether to leave my AH. I battled with the decision for a couple of years. Then, one day I just made a decision.. the decision to stay and take whatever came. Yes, I am resentful and upset, but I am not angry anymore. I am generally calmer about the situation even though it is escalating to a head (you commented on my post and I thank you!). I guess what I'm thinking is that once you make a decision as to what you will and will not do (or allow him to do) then, that's just IT. It hurts, but maybe the anger will go away. Set your boundaries and put up the safeguards for his access to your accounts, and then it's done.

lovetohikect

Okay... thanks for the replies... I don't know how to make it any clearer than to say that we are protecting ourselves as well as we possibly can financially! This is why I added my p.s. to the original post! I know it's incredibly tempting to say, well, do it better or whatever but don't any of the rest of you deal with a resourceful, cunning, clever and incredibly motivated addict? Who will sneak into your pocketbook while you are asleep, who will break into your house when you are away, who will put a keylogger on your computer, who will impersonate his brother and father, who will peek at credit card slips when you are buying something, who will listen in on your phone calls if you ever give your card number? Did you know that once somebody has your social security number they have it, and you can't change it no matter how much identity theft you claim? And once somebody has your social security number, they can impersonate you whenever they want? And break through whatever security you put on anything?

I totally understand how frustrating it must be to hear me talk about this... it must feel like the "simple answer" is "protect yourself" and then it will all be done. But. it. isn't.

I had to leave my last bank because I shut down my husband's or my debit cards a total of 13 times over six years. I stopped check series after check series, at huge cost. I have purchased and used safes and lockboxes. I have a credit lock on my name and my husband's name. I have locked down my house. I have slept with my money and my debit card in my sock, the way they do in prison. My husband has barred our son from entering his office in his absence, because he rifles through my husband's desk drawer looking for cash or checks. Can you imagine how embarrassing that is?

I appreciate QueenApple's response because really, you have no idea how bad it can get, with someone who wants your money, lives in your home, and will stop at nothing to get it.

I really was mostly interested in figuring out how to deal with the anger, and of course I understand that something constructive would be, figuring out how to avoid being victimized. And I also understand that a lot of folks would say that we are "choosing" in some sense to be victimized. I wish it were that simple...

jane

Hawkeye13

Jane, the problem seems to be that he knows you will not have him arrested for theft and fraud--I assume that is because of your husband?

It sounds like you are at a breaking point even if your husband is not.
Remember that this takes an incredible toll on your physical and mental health.
People can die from taking care of addicts at the expense of themselves.

The hard truth is that you and your husband are going to have to get on the same team
about how to deal with this. Your son is out of control because he knows there are
no consequences to him, so until there are nothing will change.

That seems to be the elephant in the room in your situation.
I apologize if I'm being too direct but I can palpably feel your pain through
the words you are typing.

You have a right not to be held hostage in your own home and repeatedly robbed--
anger is an appropriate response.
Your husband and son both need to understand that.

You cannot keep things the way they are and "deal" with the anger in my view.
I think your responses are the only healthy ones in the triangle of you, your son, and your husband.

Trust that and draw some lines in the sand.

lovetohikect

Okay I also realize that my last post was very angry and defensive and I apologize for that.

This has been such an incredibly long road with this child and the dishonesty and theft have been so massively hurtful, that it is very hard not to have that bleed over into other interactions. We are not unintelligent people and we have taken precautions beyond what I would think most people might even dream of, in trying to protect ourselves. I can see that ours is an extreme case, all right.

I also wanted to address the suggestion that we are or were encouraging our son to "mooch" off anyone. We had him apply for SSI last fall because, at that point, with his multiple serious medical issues and apparent inability (and concededly, a disinclination) to work, we were fearful that he might one day find himself homeless, and that when he ages off our medical insurance policy in two years, we wanted him to be able to access Medicaid. At any rate, it was extremely useful for all of us to learn that his medical doctors did believe him capable of working. Before that, it actually wasn't clear to us that that was the case. Now that we know that in his doctors' opinion he can work, that has been quite helpful. You'll note that we did not appeal the denial decision or move forward on it in any way, and we do in fact provide 100% of his support.

So, not to worry that he will become a public charge.

I appreciate the other posts of help and support, I truly do.

Jane

changeneeded

love,
People are here to either support or gain support. Nobody is here to point fingers or make it harder on you than it already is. I know your not accusing anybody here of that, I just wanted to put that out there. Most of us have been or still are as angry as you are. Hang in there, hang around here and you will have continually, that support.

I didn't notice the date of your posting, was it yesterday? Did you attend the meeting last night? If so, how did it go. If it is tonight, please tell us what you thought. I've not attended a meeting yet, I'm too chicken but I would love to hear what someone who has never been thought about it.

Florence

SIDENOTE: I honestly don't care if people take advantage of social services. That's exactly what they're there for. And addiction doesn't remove people's humanity -- they still need care, shelter, and food.

That said, I agree whole-heartedly with Hawkeye. You're right to be angry -- it's the only appropriate reaction here. There's no reconciling the anger with his behavior. He's using and betraying you and making you rearrange your life in an unacceptable way. Of course you're angry! It's crazy to have to live that way. The good news is you don't have to!

To me, the best thing you can do is to treat his crimes as crimes. He's committing repeat fraud as well as outright stealing from you. I'd encourage you to call the police and let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions.

Unfortunately we can't change or control the addict's behavior. What we can do is lay down boundaries around what we will accept in our lives. You might say for example that while you are willing to pay for a crash pad for your son, that he is not allowed in your home under any circumstances indefinitely. If he, for example, uses your cards or information again, you will contact the police. You really don't need to tell him this or even tell your husband this (something I struggled with for a long with with my STBXAH -- I always hoped he'd heed my warnings and do the right thing, and he didn't).

Really you don't have to pay for his living expenses either -- not indefinitely anyway. There might be group homes or other options for him, that would be contingent on him being compliant for treatment. He might go crazy, but you don't have to go with him. Sometimes it's as simple as NOT cleaning up his messes. It's learning to do nothing.