pepsi831

I've been married for a little over 2 years. Things have gone from bad to worse. On Friday I went to put something int the recycle bin before the trash men came and I found 5 empty liquor bottles (2 vodka, 3 whiskey). I then checked a place that I had thought he might hide alcohol and found an empty bag from the liquor store with a receipt for a different bottle of vodka than the 2 in the recycle bin. Thats six bottles of liquor in May. He promised ages ago there would be no liquor. It's always some "plan" for controlling the drinking, and some excuse for why he drank too much. Once he starts he can't stop. Yesterday he was drunk. And Friday. Last weekend I came home and he was drunk. He had been watching our daughter alone. She's only a baby.

We never talk about it. I don't bring it up because I'm afraid of his reaction. He's never hit me, but there is plently of verbal and emotional abuse. And when he's drunk, I just agree with everything he says because I don't know when he'll lash out. He did twice yesterday. Once for turing the water on to wash my hands when he was speaking. He said it was rude and refused to finish telling me the story he started. And 20 mintues later that is completely forgotten. Meanwhile I literally spent the whole weekend taking care of our kid and my stepdaughter, cleaning and cooking and doing wash and washing every dish. He did outdoor chores (lawn and what not), but spent plenty of time socializing and with his soccer game.

That whole paragraph was rambling. My point - I'm facing facts that my husband has a drinking problem. I've turned a blind eye to all the times he's been drunk before from secret drinking. I thought it was a once in a while thing, but I am beginning to believe it's a habit that happens more frequently. And those are separate from the times he just gets drunk and I take care of him and clean up his vomit. I am so upset and afraid of what's to come.

I think he was drunk when we brought our baby home from the hospital. He screamed at me minutes after we were home. I don't think he even remembers that. I was so tired and huring from the c-section I just couldn't fight back. My heart is aching for my beautiful daughter. How could I put her in that situation? I am so so sorry, I didn't realize at the time. I really didn't. It's just in the last few months that I have realized that those angry outbursts were probably all when he had been secretly drinking. Is that the case, usually, with alcoholics? Getting angry for no real reason and lashing out - that happens when they're drunk?

I know I'm not a perfect wife. I've done some crappy things, but I really don't think they warrent alcoholism and verbal abuse. He's jealous of everything, sober or drunk. I've never cheated, Never even entertained the thoguht. Never wanted to. But he's always suspicious. I don't know why.

I'm afraid of breaking up our family. I'm afraid of confronting him. I am falling out of love with him, but my heart still breaks at the thought of giving up on him. On us. But I feel like the effort is so one sided. When we've had our talks in the past, he's never been willing to see a therapist. He went twice, begrudgingly, with me. And was completely fake. But maybe I shouldn't give up until I speak to him. Have people faced their alcoholism and abuse and changed? Or is it a lost cause. I just want to cry. My daughter. My sweet little girl, she deserves and family. My heart is aching for my baby.

I am not sure what I'm asking for from you here. I've read most of the stickies. He's an alcoholic. He doesn't want to admit it. Excuses, excuses. He's verbally and emotionally abusive. I think his father was before him. I'm a shell of the woman I once was. I know I need to change this situaiton for my daughter. I'm afraid to give up on the hopes I had for her. For us. A happy family. A sibling for her. What should I do next?

lillamy

Oh honey... ((((hugs)))) Welcome to SR. You're among friends here. Your story brought tears to my eyes because it was so familiar to me.

Congratulations on taking two huge big steps: You've admitted that your husband is an alcoholic. And you've reached out to people for help. Those are giant leaps for a person, and they are NOT easy to take. I know that.

What should you do next? Well -- it sounds to me like you're afraid that your husband might become violent if you talk to him about his drinking. That's a frightening situation to be in. Especially with a small child in the house.

I also want to share what I did in my marriage, because it harmed me and I would hate for anyone else to do the same thing: I said to myself "well, he's only emotionally and verbally abusive. At least he is not hitting me."

Emotional and verbal abuse is at least as harmful to you and your daughter as being physically abused. So please don't downplay that and think 'it's something I can deal with'.

Getting educated, like you are doing, is a great first step. Giving up hope is difficult, but it sort of sounds like you're already working on that.

Above all, I would say stay safe. If you are concerned that his abuse might escalate, check out the abuse threads in the stickies. Call a local women's shelter if you don't have options (like moving in with your parents) in case things get worse. Find out what they recommend, and please keep posting here. There is a lot of collective wisdom among our members. And we want to help.

Blossom717

You are not alone.

My ABF was drinking in the parking lot of the hospital after I had an emergency c section to deliver our daughter. Hes not physically but emotionally abusive as well. He always accuses me of cheating, even if I'm simply going for a walk or checking my email on my phone, or going to church. I've never, and would never cheat.

I can't tell you exactly what will help, I can tell you that I started by admitting to myself that there is a problem. After the third hospital trip for pancreatic issues due to alcoholism, I couldn't deny it.
-I went to an Al-anon meeting (secretly because I would either be accused of cheating or he would just be plain angry), it wasn't the right one for me so Im still searching.
-I started reading literature. I've been slowly reading "Co-Dependent No More" which is GREAT.
-I started documenting the events. Voice recordings, pictures, screen shots of texts.
-I don't know what you end goal is, but mine is to leave. I am looking for a pro-bono or affordable lawyer to find out my rights of custody first. (my goal is to be out by September)

Coming here is helpful. Its a struggle for myself daily, I feel guilty for putting myself in this mess, and for putting my daughter in this mess. I feel guilty for not leaving sooner, and for planning to leave. But then I realize that if I work on myself, do my best at taking care of myself and my daughter, that it will work out, someway or another. Be safe. Protect yourself.

pepsi831

Thank you both for replying. I am overwhelmed with sorrow at the moment. Blossom, I don't know what my end goal is. Honestly, I could leave right now. I have a great family, a good job, a good education. I've hurt my family in my efforts to please my husband, but they have my back no matter what. I've talked with them about the verbal/emotional abuse. I've talked only a little about the alcohol stuff. I believe they see the writing on the wall though.

Right now I want to shake some sense into my husband. I want to tell him how much I love him when he's sober and that he can turn back from the road he's on. Just last Thursday we had an evening that was like old times, happy and close (and sober). I want to scream at him that our little girl needs her dad. That I need him and love him. I wish he would face down these deamons that haunt him, these anxieties that plague him, instead of using alcohol to numb them away.

And I would say I'm sorry for being weak and afraid to stand up to him. But then I get mad because I'm weak and afraid because he's beaten me down emotionally. Oh, I am just rambling. I feel like its bad, but its not awful. But I can see it getting worse and worse. And I can now see clearly that he cycles in and out of the secret drinking. It seems to be at its worst now. I'm just wondering if it can get better, or if I should cut my losses and leave now. I know him, he won't fight a divorce - he'll want it quick and simple. He already told me if we separate he won't seek custody of our daughter. But I'm afraid he'll renig on that and I will die before I leave her alone with him ever again. A mother shouldn't feel this way. I feel like a single parent already, because I can't trust him alone with her. Once I found him yelling at her to burp. He has such a short temper, he was screaming at a 4 month old and saying, "fine just cry," refusing to burp her or give her her bottle. He felt as though she was deliberately not burping and crying just to **** him off. Just so you know, I immediately jumped out of bed and got her, and he hasn't fed her since. I do it all myself. I will not let her be treated in this way. Maybe I should just leave. Maybe I should have when he did that. I have to protect my girl above all else.

I just don't know. I think I have to confront him. I am so afraid to. I just want to grab my sweet baby and take her somewhere and hold her in my arms forever and never let anyone hurt her. That's all I really want.

Blossom717

Hugs to you!

I have wanted to shake sense into my ABF for the past 3 years now, but even when I feel like I've made headway, it comes crashing down. Read that book if you can, "Co-Dependent No More" ....I'm not one for self help books, I actually always kind of felt bad for the ones who read them, but I got desperate and picked this one up. It helped me a lot, and helped with my self esteem even. The emotional abuse will wear you down. My biggest fear is my almost 3 year old growing up and thinking its okay to be talked the way he talks to me. I want her to know its better than this.

I don't know if you can talk sense into him, I hope you can. I kept looking for that "Switch" in my ABF to make him realize the damage. But I haven't found it, and I feel like I'm no longer the person I was before.

CodeJob

Hi Pepsi,

I used to keep a spare diaper bag in my car. Every now and then it came in super handy with a spare outfit or diapers... As critter grew, I would swap out clothes and seasons. Please pack a bag for baby and you. Emergency phone numbers in case you don't depart with your cell phone. A few twenties if you can tuck them away without question.

Here is a link to the national DV hotline. I am concerned for you and your daughter. Just talking to them and having a safe exit plan with your family might be something you could consider. Think of it as emergency planning.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

Peace and strength to act when you are ready for you and your daughter!

AnvilheadII

I think he was drunk when we brought our baby home from the hospital. He screamed at me minutes after we were home. I don't think he even remembers that. I was so tired and huring from the c-section I just couldn't fight back.

oh geez, I don't know if the "reason" why he acted like that even matters. no man should scream at his wife and mother of his child, ever. especially not within minutes of bringing the newborn home. THAT is unacceptable under any conditions.

verbal and mental abuse are equal to physical abuse. it is about one person treating another in a hostile, controlling, threatening manner in order to feel better about themselves.

redatlanta

Oh my dear I am so sorry you are going through this.

Some suggestions - You do not have to solve all your issues right now. First things first yours and your child's safety is priority. It would be best to prepare in case you need to leave quickly. A packed bag already in the car and some cash/credit cards and things you may need. I hope you never have to use that, but it is a feeling of comfort knowing that if you do its there, and all you have to do is walk out the door.

I think educating yourself right now about alcoholism will benefit you immensely as you decide how to proceed. While we may feel a need to confront and give the person a chance that most often comes from a place of goodness, obligation, and guilt. Feeling responsible that we owe it to our spouse or partner, and want to help them.

As you learn more about alcoholism you may change your mind. Until the Alcoholic admits they are powerless over alcohol nothing is going to change them. Its a horrible disease, illogical, and exists by way of denial.

When my husband relapsed I started going to Al Anon. I never told him. It gave me my sanity back. I hope that you will consider it.

Yes you must protect your daughter above all else. This is no way to live and no way to parent.

We are here for you and I hope you will get some clarity on SR.

LadyinBC

Then this is exactly what you should do. I'm an alcoholic and these are just my thoughts and opinions.

You did not put her in this situation your husband did. He is the one with the problem. Until we are willing to admit we have a problem and are willing to become sober and stay sober, it won't happen.

No one could shake any sense into me or "make" me quit. Even my grandkids couldn't do it. I had to come to the realization on my own that I HAD to quit and I had to want it more than anything. And for some of us, that never happens.

Also recovery takes years, not months or weeks and believe me it can get even worse for you before it gets any better. Quitting drinking is one thing, living sober is another. There is no quick fix.

You need to take the worst of his behaviour and decide if this is the way you want to live for the rest of your life. Because being an alcoholic never goes away. I will be one for the rest of my life and unfortunately the rate for us in recovery is pretty low. Not saying that there is never a good ending, however, there is not a lot of them and they are a lot of work. I think it is important to be realistic about it.

At the end of the day people can only treat us like crap if we let him. You and your children don't deserve to be treated this way. You deserve someone who will respect you and treasure you.

Never settle for anything less than that. Live is just too short to put up with this crap.

pepsi831

Thank you all for your comments. You've made mefeel less crazy. I often feel likeits all my fault. And every time I try to voice my concerns, every time I get angry or upset, somehow wejust talkabout all the things I do wrong, and I end up apologizing. ITs always me. He believes that and he gets me to believe it too. I try to own up to my mistaks and I feel like he takes advantage of that. I know I've made mistakes and Im not perfect, but when he hurts me, it still ends up being my fault. Anyway, you've validated my feelings. I really needed that right now. It is NOT okay to scream and yell at your wife, ever. No matter what she does. I used to be a strong woman who would say just these things. I've become this weak person who just worries about pleasing or not angering her husband. I hate this person I've become.

LadyinBC

You didn't use to be a strong woman you ARE a strong woman. Always remember that.

You are by no means weak, none of your are. You are caught up in this cycle too, just in a different way.

redatlanta

This is called blame shifting. Common ploy for an alcoholic. I don't know that he actually believes "its all you" but hey - if it is all you then it can't be him or the booze. That is why he does it, he will not put the alcohol in jeopardy!

The apologizing you do we have all done - is it because you really think its your fault? Or is it because you are trying to manage your husband's anger by agreeing with him so he doesn't yell at you? I bet its the latter.

Trying to manage the Alcoholic is our sickness.