SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/)
-   Friends and Family of Alcoholics (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/)
-   -   When does the quacking stop hurting? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/334709-when-does-quacking-stop-hurting.html)

iamthird 06-08-2014 09:47 PM

When does the quacking stop hurting?
 
I know separated AH is still actively drinking. I know he is quacking. For my own recovery, I think I am doing well. The only thing is I am just waiting for the quacking to stop hurting! He says/texts such awful things. He is not completely blocked because we need a way to communicate for co-parenting issues.

So tonight for example he is drunk and texting me...he text me that he was going to start using no condom with girl he is seeing because he wants another baby. Who says that? Its just crazy talk. I know that. But when I read it, it does not hurt any less. What is wrong with me that these things still hurt, separation 2 years old already. I should be able to be unfazed by his quacks but they still hurt me...

Bernadette777 06-08-2014 10:07 PM

Hi, I think the hurt stays until "the scab" of the relationship finally falls off. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I pray for you & all in SR. I found the best support & understanding here. Amen to the website. Women to women, and you said you're separated... If he wants to procreate without protection, then pray for the women who will have to deal with him. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this, but remember just that! You're going through it- you're not stuck in it. Keep moving forward and tend to you & your family. In my experience, it stopped hurting when I got tired of feeling preoccupied with his problem & feeling ignored. If the drugs & alcohol can make him feel better, well, then, I don't need that around me. None of us do. We deserve to be in healthy, happy, normal relationships. God bless you & your family. Your are in my prayers. Peace, Bernadette 777

Taking5 06-09-2014 01:27 AM

Why are you still in contact with him at this level?

9111111 06-09-2014 03:06 AM

What comes to your mind when he talks about having a "new" family?

For me it's not the image of family life with an active alcoholic but more like the relationship that Bernadette777 described above "happy, normal, healthy".

Maybe the pain that you suffer from his comments isn't so much about the (past) relationshsip between him and you, but more about what you long for (with another man) for the future?

redatlanta 06-09-2014 04:03 AM

it will stop hurting when you decide you are tired of giving him any power over your life.

The statements are infantile and ridiculous. Who sends their soon to be X a comment that they are going to impregnate someone? Good grief this guy needs to get a life!

Do you respond to these texts?

Hawkeye13 06-09-2014 04:32 AM


Originally Posted by iamthird (Post 4704870)
I know separated AH is still actively drinking. I know he is quacking. For my own recovery, I think I am doing well. The only thing is I am just waiting for the quacking to stop hurting! He says/texts such awful things. He is not completely blocked because we need a way to communicate for co-parenting issues.

So tonight for example he is drunk and texting me...he text me that he was going to start using no condom with girl he is seeing because he wants another baby. Who says that? Its just crazy talk. I know that. But when I read it, it does not hurt any less. What is wrong with me that these things still hurt, separation 2 years old already. I should be able to be unfazed by his quacks but they still hurt me...

That text just shows how pathetic and childish he is.

I hope you aren't bothering to respond, but I might download those into a file for custody issues later if needed.

I think it is time to change your user name to iamfirst
and really put this jerk behind you.

You are doing fantastically well in your recovery
maybe he senses that and it is a desperate act to get your attention.

Hammer 06-09-2014 04:35 AM

Hopefully . . . .

she is carrying a very nasty disease that will make his balls fall off.

There is always hope, huh?

CodeJob 06-09-2014 05:01 AM

Well let's think this through. If he's texting you, he is likely not doing what he claims to be doing. Typical A. All talk and no true virility.

Now you are merely thinking through all the toxic rain issues of another poor soul being raised with an A father. Let the what ifs go. Focus on the peace you are creating for you and yours. Hugs!

dandylion 06-09-2014 05:05 AM

I think it is so true--what CodeJob said. TALK, TALK. TALK. It is also my experience that when men start loudly proclaiming anything to do with their reproductive instrument---it is basically covering over the noise of their own fears.

dandylion

Hawkeye13 06-09-2014 06:17 AM


Originally Posted by dandylion (Post 4705299)
I think it is so true--what CodeJob said. TALK, TALK. TALK. It is also my experience that when men start loudly proclaiming anything to do with their reproductive instrument---it is basically covering over the noise of their own fears.

dandylion


man, that is so true

awesome quote d :tyou

dandylion 06-09-2014 06:29 AM

:whisper eerr.....thanks, Hawkeye!

dandylion

iamthird 06-09-2014 06:29 AM

I blocked his texts last night after he sent that text I described and then will unblock tomorrow because he is supposed to come for daughter in the morning so i can leave to work. His job is such where he is a supervisor and doesnt have a strict cut off time so he texts when he is leaving work and I know to have her ready approximately 30 minutes later. Unfortunately until I can afford full daycare we have to do it this way. I just started new job within a few weeks, so I need a few months to catch up from when I was l laid off.

The sadness I feel isn't because I am romanticizing anything. I know he is an active A. I know he has abused me physically, emotionally, verbally...I know he is sick and bound by his addiction. Its not like i want to be her or even want him back. I just feel like I cant believe this is what my husband has progressed to. He used to have such care for my feelings and was sensitive to me. I can't believe he is so careless to say he wants a baby when he can't even care for himself or our daughter the way he should. My poor 6 year old has so much ahead of her with having active A for a dad and now he wants to add a baby into the mix?? and I can't do anything about it and that is what hurts....

I have not dated. I am still legally married and although separation was long, I was sick for the majority of that time. I was stage 4. Getting a divorce or dating was nowhere on my dashboard. Now, I am working to getting on my feet. It is coming, just will be in time. In the interim, just needed some advice on how to cope.

dandylion 06-09-2014 06:40 AM

iamthird---You ARE coping!!...don't you see that? Sure, he is irritating as Hel*---drunks always are. But, he is n ot taking you to your knees...is he? You are going forward and handling your responsibilities--very well from what I can tell.

I see your concerns for your daughter as very realistic--at least, you don't have blinders on.

Ending a marriage and the dreams you once held is always going to hold a certain sadness or nostalgia for what might have been---and the grieving can go on for some time.....You divorce isn't yet, finalized. You haven't fully finished grieving (in my opinion), but it will be over, at some point....I think you have come a loooong way down that road! Don't you?

dandylion

choublak 06-09-2014 06:45 AM


Originally Posted by iamthird (Post 4704870)
he text me that he was going to start using no condom with girl he is seeing because he wants another baby.

Oh, but he hasn't told her this. I'm sure she would be thrilled if she knew how highly he was speaking of her. Then again, she doesn't seem to be the most emotionally stable person out there if she's getting involved with a married man...

Dugie 06-09-2014 08:20 AM

Iamthird my dear I know how you feel and it's hard, I think it's his way of hurting you and showing how complete his new life is, but the truth is probably he isn't using a condom because he can't get it up and it falls off or he can't get one small enough!! Alcholics cover problems with that kind of talk and it is bull&)€&! You are so luckey to be away from him and in time you will not take any notice of this kinda stuff! Don't reply because if he thinks it gets a result he will keep doing it. Keep the faith and I promice you it will very soon get a lot easier. And please focus on the issues in your life that may need your time and prayers rather than his insanity!

ladyscribbler 06-09-2014 10:23 AM


Originally Posted by iamthird (Post 4705447)
I blocked his texts last night after he sent that text I described and then will unblock tomorrow because he is supposed to come for daughter in the morning so i can leave to work. His job is such where he is a supervisor and doesnt have a strict cut off time so he texts when he is leaving work and I know to have her ready approximately 30 minutes later. Unfortunately until I can afford full daycare we have to do it this way. I just started new job within a few weeks, so I need a few months to catch up from when I was l laid off.

The sadness I feel isn't because I am romanticizing anything. I know he is an active A. I know he has abused me physically, emotionally, verbally...I know he is sick and bound by his addiction. Its not like i want to be her or even want him back. I just feel like I cant believe this is what my husband has progressed to. He used to have such care for my feelings and was sensitive to me. I can't believe he is so careless to say he wants a baby when he can't even care for himself or our daughter the way he should. My poor 6 year old has so much ahead of her with having active A for a dad and now he wants to add a baby into the mix?? and I can't do anything about it and that is what hurts....

I have not dated. I am still legally married and although separation was long, I was sick for the majority of that time. I was stage 4. Getting a divorce or dating was nowhere on my dashboard. Now, I am working to getting on my feet. It is coming, just will be in time. In the interim, just needed some advice on how to cope.

He doesn't want a baby. He IS a baby. He's living in his own little self-pitying alcoholic haze and still blaming you for everything that goes wrong in his life, so by his twisted logic that gives him a right to lash out and try to hurt you. It's childish, pathetic and no reflection on you and your daughter.
Maybe for Father's Day we can all chip in and get him a gift certificate for a free vasectomy. Or just drop him at the Humane Society and have him neutered. If his junk even still works. I'm on the side of believing he probably can't get a condom to stay on that wet noodle.

Pia 06-09-2014 11:50 AM

I probably would of said something like

"good to know, I better get the child support papers in first before she does thanks for doing me a HUGE favor !!! "

Recovering2 06-09-2014 05:55 PM

You have done AMAZINGLY well. A lot of people on here have had to deal with active A's, child issues etc....without dealing with cancer on top of all that. I don't know if I would have had your perserverance and courage to cope with it all. But you did. You beat cancer back...and you will overcome this as well.

He is just quacking to prove to himself that he's great and that his life is going to be great without you. He has to look at it that way, otherwise he actually has to look at himself. WE know the truth. He's a mess, and will continue to be a mess. I agree to block him. If he does get these through to you, keep them somewhere in a file for any court issues. Maybe a lawyer can remind him that the ONLY conversation he can have is directly related to your daughter....period.

You're doing great. (((HUGS)))

NYCDoglvr 06-10-2014 12:33 PM

To answer your question, the quacking stops hurting when we cut off contact and don't hear it anymore. Good idea to keep blocking all unnecessary texts.

Carlotta 06-10-2014 12:46 PM

Just download this image and use it as an avatar for his contact on your cell phone. You might also want to use it as a background...it will bring a smile to your face and put things in perspective whenever he texts aquacking
http://quackattackonline.com/*****_s...292332_std.jpg


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:14 PM.