TO move forward or to wait? That is the question!

Old 02-06-2002, 03:08 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Post TO move forward or to wait? That is the question!

Hello All. Well last night I came home from work and my daughter came to see me. I could tell that she was upset. WHen I asked what was wrong, she said Dad was being a jerk. Oh, I said. When I went into the kitchen I could tell what the problem was. He had been drinking. I confronted him with this and he deneyed it. I told him that I knew he had been drinking and he finally admitted it. Then I went to my spinning class at the Y. ANd kicked but by the way! So now I am left with another decision.
A little background. We have been married for almost 18yrs and he has been drinking the whole time. It has gotten worse over the years. About 5 years ago he got fired from a very good job because of his bad attitude not his drinking. Since then it has been down hill all the way. His life is going down the tubes and dragging me with him. Three weeks ago I asked him to leave and he did. WHen he came back he agreed to stop drinking and find a job.
So now I am faced with the decision to go through with the divorce and ask him to leave again. THis morning I was readling an alanon "Courage to Change". The message was to wait until you have been in Alann for 6 months before you make a major change. Is this my higher power speaking to me? Otherwise I feel like I should move forward with the separation and get started with my new life.
I do love my husband, but I don't want to mess around with this **** anymore. I do understand that he has a disease/problem. But I don't feel willing to keep trying so hard when he is still drinking.
Your thoughts and comments are welcome. I think I have decided to visit a lawyer at least to find out what position I am in. thanks
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Old 02-06-2002, 04:52 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Butler Pa
Posts: 77

Hi Rose. .as we learn in Alanon the focus has to be on You. .what you can handle . .what you can do for yourself in your situation.

.I find that when I wait or want the addict/alcoholic to make some move towards recovery. .I am really putting my energies and expectations into a very shaky unhealthy place. .(I have done it hundreds of times )I am a slow learner. .

I recall from your previous post how you
agreed to have your husband return home providing he not drink and get a job. .then he proceeded to look for a job at a pace you didn't approve of.. didn't drink (until recently) and still no job. . nothing is going to change unless the alcoholism gets dealt with. .no job. .no sanity. .no peace.
for You!!!

Take care Marvelous Maureen (new moniker)

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Old 02-06-2002, 05:50 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Peoria, IL USA
Posts: 105

Boy do I feel for you. I just went through this same situation in June. Actually finally filed in June and was final in September. I also work in a law office, so got by cheap on the divorce. When I went to my first Alanon meeting the topic was 'Let Go and Let God'. I felt it was speaking to me. At the office one of the first things I tell poeple when they call seeking a divorce is "We can't make up your mind for you. You have to decide when the time is right for you." We have money in trusts from people who went and hired us but have not found the right time to move forward and actually serve the papers. Just know and trust your gut instinct. You will know when you have had enough. (Check out the posts on that topic for a good laugh) I have found new strength I never thought in my 24 years with my A that I had and I am doing great, sometimes just okay but as time goes on I am having more great days not having to support a 50 year old A who prefers to drink over working and supporting a family. Please keep posting though. It feels SOOO good sometimes, especially on the just okay days.
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Old 02-06-2002, 09:36 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676

Thanks, I just spoke with my husband. He apoligized for his "slip". I told him that I was clear when he came home that there would be no more drinking. And that he is making a choice to end our marriage by drinking and not gettin help. He admitted that he couldn't stop drinking and agreed to call our insurance toll free number to find out about joining a program. I don't feel elated though, I don't trust him that he will go and take this seriously. I read some information on the internet today about divorce in NC. I also plan to attend a seminar on divorce tomorrow night. Earlier today I turned the whole burden over to God and asked him to remove this burden from me. Maybe this is his answer. I will continue to take care of me, and trust that God is with me. thanks
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