Am I wrong to be upset?
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 11
Am I wrong to be upset?
So when I posted my previous thread (trust RAH..) I was out of town for 5 days with my kids. And I was very anxious while gone because every time he contacted one of these other women was when I was out of town (my daughter is an athlete that competes in many different states). So it's hard for me to be away- VERY HARD. And he knows that.
Yesterday we had an argument about his lack if remorse (basically, yes he's shown remorse, just not as much as I would expect given the extent of the lies and the multitude of emotional affairs). At the end of the argument I sent him a rough draft of my "angry list" that I had started this weekend. I had started it as a purging process, not with the intent to ever send it. Well, the list was VERY long- very. And it was very detailed.
I regretted sending it right away- I didn't want to be the one that triggers him to relapse. But apparently he was very much impacted by the list. Texted that he was suddenly overcome with self hate, shame, remorse, etcetera. Had to call his sponsor, not because he wanted to drink necessarily, but because he felt like he didn't deserve to be alive.
Very long story short (due to me being cranky and tired last night and mad at him for blowing me off by not explaining his momentous self discovery right away)... I have yet to hear about this "epiphany" he had.
I was driving home today - long drive. 2 exhausted kids- 1 that had her worst competitive day ever. He knew I had been upset, crying, angry etc.
He told me that he was making a special dinner for "us".. And I was anticipating finally hearing about this epiphany that may or may not impact our marriage.
I got home- crawled in bed to finally cry (I had tried to keep a lid on my teary mess for the kids in the car) and he texts to inform me that his 16 yr old son would be joining us and his 15 yr old daughter would be coming and going throughout the afternoon and evening. His son is minutely respectful to me. His daughter is a total B%*%%^ to me.
I was shocked. And I suddenly felt I had to leave before any of them got there. My face was all puffy from crying and the last thing I could tolerate was their insulting rude behavior. And, I was furious with my H for blowing me off! First, I thought the special dinner was for me- not for his rude kids that are only there 2-3 times a month. Second he had not seen me in 5 days. Third, he knew how emotional these 5 days were for me with my anxiety over his affairs. And Fourth, I had been waiting for over 24 hrs to hear about his big "epiphany"...
So- I left before any of them got there and I've refused to come home until after dinner. Childish? Maybe... But I feel I have to stand up for myself. Also, I was afraid that if I stayed - we would have had an argument that all 4 kids would have heard.
Please hold the mirror up to me if you think I was wrong.
Yesterday we had an argument about his lack if remorse (basically, yes he's shown remorse, just not as much as I would expect given the extent of the lies and the multitude of emotional affairs). At the end of the argument I sent him a rough draft of my "angry list" that I had started this weekend. I had started it as a purging process, not with the intent to ever send it. Well, the list was VERY long- very. And it was very detailed.
I regretted sending it right away- I didn't want to be the one that triggers him to relapse. But apparently he was very much impacted by the list. Texted that he was suddenly overcome with self hate, shame, remorse, etcetera. Had to call his sponsor, not because he wanted to drink necessarily, but because he felt like he didn't deserve to be alive.
Very long story short (due to me being cranky and tired last night and mad at him for blowing me off by not explaining his momentous self discovery right away)... I have yet to hear about this "epiphany" he had.
I was driving home today - long drive. 2 exhausted kids- 1 that had her worst competitive day ever. He knew I had been upset, crying, angry etc.
He told me that he was making a special dinner for "us".. And I was anticipating finally hearing about this epiphany that may or may not impact our marriage.
I got home- crawled in bed to finally cry (I had tried to keep a lid on my teary mess for the kids in the car) and he texts to inform me that his 16 yr old son would be joining us and his 15 yr old daughter would be coming and going throughout the afternoon and evening. His son is minutely respectful to me. His daughter is a total B%*%%^ to me.
I was shocked. And I suddenly felt I had to leave before any of them got there. My face was all puffy from crying and the last thing I could tolerate was their insulting rude behavior. And, I was furious with my H for blowing me off! First, I thought the special dinner was for me- not for his rude kids that are only there 2-3 times a month. Second he had not seen me in 5 days. Third, he knew how emotional these 5 days were for me with my anxiety over his affairs. And Fourth, I had been waiting for over 24 hrs to hear about his big "epiphany"...
So- I left before any of them got there and I've refused to come home until after dinner. Childish? Maybe... But I feel I have to stand up for myself. Also, I was afraid that if I stayed - we would have had an argument that all 4 kids would have heard.
Please hold the mirror up to me if you think I was wrong.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he wasn't able to deal with YOU and the truth....so he added some "interference" to put some distance between you.
baby, he can't possibly GIVE you the reassurance and safe space you need to heal. multiple affairs? why didn't it end after ONE? an unfaithful partner is nothing but misery. your emotional needs will NEVER be met. not by him.
baby, he can't possibly GIVE you the reassurance and safe space you need to heal. multiple affairs? why didn't it end after ONE? an unfaithful partner is nothing but misery. your emotional needs will NEVER be met. not by him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
From what you have described about this guy. I feel confident to say things will only get worse. He doesn't respect you and won't. This is who he really is. I feel like I'm reading my old life minus his kids. Im sorry...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Tiggs, I think you did the best thing, considering. I guess the trick is how you go on from here. Are you a 'silent treatment' sort of person, or can you explain to your husband why you left before dinner?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi Tiggs, I think you did the best thing, considering. I guess the trick is how you go on from here. Are you a 'silent treatment' sort of person, or can you explain to your husband why you left before dinner?
To this day he could care less that is why we are divorcing. I truly pray you can one day understand that this has nothing to do with you and never will. Addicts put addictions first.
Also, I wanted to say he very well could be a sex addict and now he has another addiction to add to his list. I seriously doubt this all started when he began drinking. . . Again it never had anything to do with you. . .
You mentioned " Texted that he was suddenly overcome with self hate, shame, remorse, etcetera. Had to call his sponsor, not because he wanted to drink necessarily, but because he felt like he didn't deserve to be alive."
Please keep in mind Addicts lie and damn they are very very good at this.
Actions speak louder than words.
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