NWGRITS

So. Friday I turned 29 (again) and had a wonderful birthday. Spent it with Mr. Grits and our daughter, then with the big kids when they got out of school. I plugged my phone in to charge in the bedroom before dinner out, and when I went to grab it to go, I noticed I had a missed call and a voicemail from AM. I haven't talked to her in two years, and I certainly wasn't goingto change course on Friday. I dialed in to my voicemail and then handed the phone to Mr. Grits and told him to delete the message while I ran to the bathroom before we left. I was fine, but then I found myself wondering all night and most of today what that message said. Was she drunk or sober? Knowing AM, she was trashed and likely being sure to let me know what an ungrateful b*tch I am because she birthed me and "raised" me. The former is true, the latter a complete joke. Anyway, I'm usually really, really good where she's concerned, but this has been bugging the crap out of me all day and night. I KNOW it doesn't matter. Whether she was drunk or sober is irrelevant. So why the hell don't I just drop it instead of sitting up at midnight posting here? Christonaunicycle. I just needed to post this as an accountability visual for myself, and as a hope that I'll wake up tomorrow blissfully unaware that I even have a mother, as is normally the case.

Fathom

Ah, Grits. It's normal to be curious. But, if you're anything like me with the A in my life, there are no words that would change the course of our relationship. Good for you for handing that voicemail off. Can you block her from calling altogether? Enjoy the rest of your birthday weekend!

Best,
Fathom

NWGRITS

I've been at peace with the very possibility that I will never talk to or see her again. That doesn't bother me at all. I suppose it's that she's been quiet and not bothered me at all since I went NC, and then had the balls to call on my birthday that got me. I never thought to block her because she's always been a compliant toad where my NC was concerned, and my grandmother lived with her until recently. So I kept the number in my phone for when grandma called.

Never did plan on listening to the message. I know myself and I don't need to be doing that. That feeling of coming so far and then falling over my own two feet into the muck is humbling. I don't go all codie that often anymore.

Fathom

I understand. I talk a good game about my XAH and his antics being irrelevant to my life now, but that's only as long as I can pretend we actually don't live on the same planet. I haven't blocked him yet either, in any way (email or phone), and I don't think he would try to contact me at this point. But, if he were to, it would shake me up a lot, I'm sure. I probably should look into it...

Cut yourself some slack, Grits. Unwelcome surprises are always difficult to handle with perfect grace. And this one was a doozy on a day that should have been entirely focused on good. Try to put your focus back on your gratitude list tonight as you relax in your peaceful home. Your mind will be better on a full night's rest.

Peace,
Fathom

Mango blast

Progress, not perfection.

I had a huge moment of reverting onto dangerous ground yesterday. I was aware of it and in that moment didn't manage to respond any other way. Because that happened, I'm healthier today for it. Did some good self-work yesterday, today and have a plan for the week; re-reading some very necessary books.

The biggest thing I'm learning is that when I'm not perfect at this, it's completely okay. It SUCKS, but it's okay.
Fantastic way to handle things. I'm happy for you on how far you've come!
Happy Birthday, Grits!!

dandylion

NWGrits---you had a natural HUMAN reaction. That is not codie. I know that the situation is sad and difficult for you.....but, please don't beat up on yourself. No good will come from giving yourself a hard time......

dandylion

FireSprite

Yeah, that woulda made me lose my footing for a minute or two as well. Years ago my friend's AM passed away & her AF called my cell even though we hadn't spoken in years following NC I had enforced due to their drinking. (The NC was verbalized to them at an intervention & I stated & held my boundaries afterward when they both refused treatment.) I was so grateful for caller ID that day!

The more important issue is that you had a great birthday, woohoo Conrats!!!

NWGRITS

Thank you all. I'm definitely not feeling it now that a few days have passed (and I've gotten swallowed up in the usual Monday craziness). It did catch me off guard. I hate that tiny little voice that says, "Maybe she's sober and calling just to say Happy Birthday." I knew better because the day before she was calling her own mother names I won't repeat here. I know she'll likely never find recovery, but that teensy weensy little bit of me will always have hope.

PippiLngstockng

Hope is a hard habit to break, Grits. That's one of the biggest issues we all seem to struggle with here.

It would be so wonderful if our As would call sober, truly sober, and wish us a happy birthday. Maybe we just have to give ourselves a little space to dream that dream for a minute. Before we let the phone ring and don't pick up.

*sigh*. And (((hugs)))