What to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
What to do?
Well, I've been on my own for a week now, and DD17 has split her time between my house and AH's. Not much contact between he and I, but he is certain that we will be getting back together by the time my 6 month lease is up. I am not on board with that, but I have not said so. I was mainly concerned with getting out of the house and striking out on my own. DD will be college bound after her senior year (graduates May 2015), and will probably obtain scholarships as well (in the top 1% of her class). Last summer we traveled through Arizona to see what the state universities had to offer (always with a cooler of beer and wine), and she expressed a desire to visit some out of state universities this summer. As the year progressed and I was trying to decide whether to stay or bolt, I did not make any promises about where we might go. Now, my counselor friend (you'll just have to check my previous threads) has gone back to MA for his annual visit with his DD19. He told me that this would be his last extended stay there and asked if my DD and I would like to come out for a week so that we could visit the universities on the east coast. There are several that are on her list, so I jumped at the chance and booked the flight on Thursday for the second week in July. Now, AH knows of my friendship and has not been thrilled about it. Also, he saw me driving friend as we were headed to lunch on Memorial Day, which is what lead to "I want to separate" discussion with AH. I had planned to go to AH's house on Monday to set up his computer for him and pack up some more of the items that I need for my house, while he changes the oil in my car. I told my DD that I would tell him about the trip at that time, as I did not want her to break the news to him. I anticipate that he won't be very happy about it and I don't want him taking it out on her.
I told my mother about my plans, including the discussion that I planned to have with AH. She just called to suggest that I not tell him at all. That given the anger that he displayed when he saw me with my friend, that he might try and prevent me from going on this trip. Perhaps using DD and preventing her from leaving the state. I had not thought about this and wondered if anyone might offer some benefit of their experience. I don't want to keep secrets, but this is the only opportunity that I can see where we can make this trek to the east coast.
BTW, I think that I should point out that my friend and I are close, but do not have a physical relationship. I have told AH this, and he says that he believes me.
I told my mother about my plans, including the discussion that I planned to have with AH. She just called to suggest that I not tell him at all. That given the anger that he displayed when he saw me with my friend, that he might try and prevent me from going on this trip. Perhaps using DD and preventing her from leaving the state. I had not thought about this and wondered if anyone might offer some benefit of their experience. I don't want to keep secrets, but this is the only opportunity that I can see where we can make this trek to the east coast.
BTW, I think that I should point out that my friend and I are close, but do not have a physical relationship. I have told AH this, and he says that he believes me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Your daughter is underage. If you are taking her out of the state, I would tell her father. He should have copies of the itinerary etc.
Plus, what would your daughter do? Were you expecting her to lie to him about it?
Honesty is best. He can make any assumptions he wants about your relationship with this person. None of his business. Will you be staying in a hotel?
Plus, what would your daughter do? Were you expecting her to lie to him about it?
Honesty is best. He can make any assumptions he wants about your relationship with this person. None of his business. Will you be staying in a hotel?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Ahh, if only it were that easy. AH is pretty controlling and will want to know every detail. I will give him only the necessary info to start with and see how it goes from there. And I will concentrate on the universities that she is going to visit.
Thanks!
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hi Yurt.
I would provide a basic itinerary. Flight dates and numbers. The schools she is going to tour. And leave the lodging unstated. I assume you and daughter have cells so can be reached as needed.
I would provide a basic itinerary. Flight dates and numbers. The schools she is going to tour. And leave the lodging unstated. I assume you and daughter have cells so can be reached as needed.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yurt--I agree that giving him the bare bones itinerary without any other details would be appropriate--like all the others have said...
I have another thought..that you might want to consider----it looks like there are some unclear areas of your relationship with him that might be sending him a double-message.
Apparently, he sees this separation as just a temporary thing--and you imply (to us) that it is not. To HIM--you have not made it clear that he no longer has any right to your personal life--including who you spend your time with, and how.
I suspect that when you put all the cards on the table--that you will feel less internal conflict about every move that you make. Given what you have told us--I am pretty sure that he won't like it (what else is news?)....but, the sooner he gets the message, the sooner he can start to accept reality.
Ending an unhealthy relationship is never easy...as far as I can see. People get pissed off and people get angry and hurt and have to heal. But, eventually, they get over it or, at least, past it. Life goes on. I don't know of anybody, yet, who gets through life without being the rejector or the rejectee, at least, once. I have been both...LOL...it sucked, wither way,.....and I am still standing on my feet and able to talk about it.
My thoughts for the day...to you, my dear.
dandylion
I have another thought..that you might want to consider----it looks like there are some unclear areas of your relationship with him that might be sending him a double-message.
Apparently, he sees this separation as just a temporary thing--and you imply (to us) that it is not. To HIM--you have not made it clear that he no longer has any right to your personal life--including who you spend your time with, and how.
I suspect that when you put all the cards on the table--that you will feel less internal conflict about every move that you make. Given what you have told us--I am pretty sure that he won't like it (what else is news?)....but, the sooner he gets the message, the sooner he can start to accept reality.
Ending an unhealthy relationship is never easy...as far as I can see. People get pissed off and people get angry and hurt and have to heal. But, eventually, they get over it or, at least, past it. Life goes on. I don't know of anybody, yet, who gets through life without being the rejector or the rejectee, at least, once. I have been both...LOL...it sucked, wither way,.....and I am still standing on my feet and able to talk about it.
My thoughts for the day...to you, my dear.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I agree with dandylion.
What he thinks this "seperation" means and what you think it means are very different from what you've told us.
You were playing it cool to get out of the house, but now you are out.
It may be time to be honest, or at least plan for that after the trip if you think
he will block it if he knows.
He's a jerk but he does need the facts so he can get his crap together to start moving on.
What he thinks this "seperation" means and what you think it means are very different from what you've told us.
You were playing it cool to get out of the house, but now you are out.
It may be time to be honest, or at least plan for that after the trip if you think
he will block it if he knows.
He's a jerk but he does need the facts so he can get his crap together to start moving on.
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