marla2931

Hi,
I am new to the forum and have been concerned about my boyfriend's drinking for quite some time. I don't really know where to turn or who to talk to about this, so I thought perhaps others who have experience could tell me if I'm being too sensitive or guide me as to what my next steps should be.

I have been living with my boyfriend for two years and we've been together for three. Before living with me, he lived in another state with not really many friends except for his roommates. I know he drank a lot there, but I'm not sure how much he actually did consume. I remember going to his apartment and finding 40s everywhere in his room and he clearly drank them alone. I didn't think much of it as he was somewhat depressed and alone there.
He's always been a drinker. Everyone in his family heavily drinks and he has several friends who are bartenders, so it's kind of the culture of his life... alcohol. But, things seem to have been slowly getting worse.
He is the type of person to go to the bar by himself when waiting for a train to come, or when waiting for someone to pick him up. He walked, in the snow, a few miles to get to a bar to drink in the middle of the day by himself.

We moved in with one another and I began to have some mental health issues. I see a therapist on a regular basis and have been involved in intense group & individual therapy over the past year to get better. As I've gotten better, it's gotten more and more difficult to talk to him. He doesn't communicate with me and when I attempt to talk to him, he won't.

The events that have concerned me the most are as follows:

Last May, my grandmother passed away. It was expected that she was going to pass away that day, and my boyfriend knew that my grandmother meant the world to me. When I came home that night after watching my grandmother die, I realized my boyfriend was extremely drunk. When he found out that she had died, he went out to a bar with his friends and drank and then came home and drank an entire bottle of wine and almost an entire bottle of liquor. When I asked him why he did that he said he though he would be "of better use" to me intoxicated than sober.

Fast forward a few months and I picked him up from a train station and he was drunk. He had gotten robbed at knife-point at the station, but couldn't defend himself or do anything about it because he was too drunk. He didn't tell me about the robbery until weeks after when it was too late to contact police.

A few weeks ago I came home from work and found him drunk again. He had told me he had "some" wine. It was really an entire bottle by himself.

I talked to him about his family and how some of the people in his family are in recovery. Alcoholism is in his blood and I talked about how he should be careful with his drinking. The drinking alone is the most concerning to me. He has constantly tried to hide the drinking. These bottles he drinks are hidden from me.

I found out that he drank a bottle of wine when he found he didn't get offered a job at his work. I found out because he had tried to hide the smell with mouthwash.

Last week was our anniversary. I came home from work and he was gone. He had said he went to a friend's bar for a bit. When he came home, he could hardly stand up or keep his eyes open. He couldn't talk much and went to bed five minutes after coming home. He had driven home, in the middle of Philadelphia, like this. I was so upset and scared that I contacted his friend, asking why he let him leave the bar like that, thinking he got my boyfriend that intoxicated. He told me that my boyfriend came in to the bar already drunk. Turns out my boyfriend drank a bottle of wine and a beer before getting into the car, going to the bar, and then drinking at least five more bottles of beer before driving home.

When I talk to him about it, he says that he will stop drinking. I just want him to find someone to talk to. Perhaps I'm too critical about it? Last week he said he would stop drinking and then last night he had two jello shots at a party. When I brought it to his attention he said that they didn't count.

I told him last night that I am not going to nag him and I just want him to be healthy and happy, but if he hurts me or someone else with his drinking, I'm done. I have tried to be supportive, but I don't know what to do. I've talked with my therapist about it and she has said that he needs to want to change. I've tried to help him locate therapists so he can work on communication and dealing with his emotions, but his insurance does not cover mental health care.

Does what I've described seem to be some sort of a problem? There have been several times where he has gone out by himself or hidden alcohol from me or attempted to hide his drinking when asked. He's hurt me by escaping difficult situations with alcohol. He put himself in danger by driving home incredibly intoxicated and allowing himself to get robbed at a dangerous train station. I don't know what to do.

I apologize if this was really long. I'm new here and don't know much about forum etiquette!

marla2931

May I also say that I have thought about talking with his family about this, but because his family is full of drinkers, I don't think they will really talk to me about this in a supportive way. He has a brother who told everyone that he was going to stop drinking and start attending AA meetings. His family did not really support him, and when he relapsed, everyone just enabled it and were almost... happy?... that he was back drinking again.

I feel very alone in this situation because his friends are heavy drinkers as well.

I grew up in a household with like, no drinking at all, so I don't know if I know what's "normal" when it comes to alcohol intake. I am a light social drinker and have only really gotten that way after being with him. Most of the men I've dated in the past did not drink at all for several reasons, so I'm not sure if I'm used to this.

Hawkeye13

It's not normal, he has a major problem, and I would think long and hard about continuing this relationship.

Alcoholism is progressive--I grew up with one, I became one, and now I live with one so I know what I'm talking about.

You are right to be concerned. Please read the stickys at the top of the page to learn more about alcoholism and codependency.

Do you want a life partner that can't be there for you during celebration or crisis?
I wish you the best and think you are wise to be looking into this now before you get in even deeper.

Seren

Hi Marla and Welcome to SoberRecovery!

I'm glad you found us but really very sorry for the reasons why.

This is just my opinion, but your boyfriend sounds like a pretty advanced alcoholic to me. If you can talk to him about your concerns, great! I would caution you against having too many expectations that he will 'see the light' right away, though.

Alcoholics do recover every day, but it is a life-long commitment to sobriety by whatever method works for them. This often requires a lot of experimentation with different methods/programs. There is always going to be the possibility of relapse for the rest of his life, even if he does decide to quit drinking.

The question that only you can answer is this: Is this acceptable to you? Can you live with his active alcoholism if he never seeks recovery and the possibility of relapse in your partner for the rest of your life? If what you are experiencing now is unacceptable to you, there is no guarantee that it will change in the future.

I wish that I could offer you some magic words to say to your boyfriend to get him to stop drinking or a clear neon sign telling you whether you should stay or go, but I can't. No one can, sadly.

I hope you will keep coming back. SR is a great place for support. Please do not hesitate to come here and vent and ask questions as much as you need as you work your way through this!

Taking5

As a recovering alcoholic, I think he is an advanced alcoholic, as much as anything I have ever heard of in AA.

Also, I do not believe he was mugged, he drank all that money away. Stories like this are almost always lies.

marla2931

Thank you for your comments.

I looked for the stickys at the top of the page, and I couldn't find them. Not sure if I'm looking in the correct spot?

I am so willing to learn and work with him and be supportive because I love him, but I know that I can't do it for him. I have a tendancy to be pretty controlling in our relationship and I want what's best for him, but I do know I can't change him and have to let him do this on his own.

I didn't honestly think he was as advanced as it seems you guys think he is. Is there any possible way to get him to see that he has a problem? I don't want to keep harping on it because I don't want him to be pushed away, but I don't want him to forget that he needs this. Maybe I could offer to go to an AA meeting with him? I don't even know if he'd go to that.

Thanks again for your responses. I will keep checking out the forums for support and education. It seems like a great place!

biminiblue

For the Stickies, look here at the top of Friends and Family.

Your admission to being controlling and your desire to fix him is good. That shows you are self-aware and able to see your part in it.

ladyscribbler

That was my first thought as well. My ex used that one quite a bit to explain missing money or a lost wallet that was later found in a weird location (in the freezer? What?).
Talking to him is not likely to have a positive affect on his behavior, though he may appear to agree with you or even make promises to cut back or control his drinking.
His relationship with you will always be second to his relationship with alcohol. You deserve better.

ladyscribbler

Nothing you say is going to make a difference to him. He has to want recovery for himself. You can't want it for him. Instead of dragging him to an AA meeting, take yourself to an Alanon meeting. That has been a great resource for me in identifying my issues and working to fix myself, instead of trying to fix or control others. Ultimately, I can only control myself.

marla2931

Thank you for your honesty. I am definitely going to attend an Al-Anon meeting. This is such an isolating feeling. The stigma alone is enough but when nobody else sees it the way you do it's really hard to know what's reality and what you may or may not be exaggerating in your head? I really am looking forward to gaining that kind of support through here and in meetings.

lovetohikect

Might I also suggest to you that you try and think a couple of steps down the line here. It seems, whether you use the "alcoholic" or "addict" labels or not, that your boyfriend certainly does disappear at crucial moments. That there is much, much drama associated with his daily life and activities. That he has a tendency to make promises to you and not keep them. That he tends to minimize your feelings and concerns and tries to put off his (objectively bad) behavior onto you.

What do you think it might be like to plan a wedding with this man, assuming that is where you'd like things to be headed one day? Do you think it would feel good, not knowing if you could trust him to be sober for that special time? What about having children? What kind of dad do you think he'd make?

Far be it from me, not to tell you to spend time with a less than perfect partner. We all do it, or have done it, but you might also want to think about whether the time you're spending with your boyfriend is productive, life-enhancing time that will ultimately lead someplace good in your life. I know that sometimes in a relationship, it can start to feel a little bit like, well, one of us must be crazy, but I can't tell which one it is. What you've described above, though, is behavior that - at least to this outside observer - is heading nowhere good for you personally.

Jane