Would you consider this emotional abuse?

Old 06-06-2014, 07:49 PM
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Would you consider this emotional abuse?

AH stopped drinking after a DUI and job loss about six months ago. Things have continued to be difficult between us and not too much genuine remorse from him for prior behavior (IMO)
This morning, very small argument but he hangs up on me. Extreme to me, but I get on with my day. No contact. Now 11pm and still no phone call & he does not come home.
It seems to follow same old pattern of leave/refuse to speak to me. Like he's trying to punish me! Ugh- I am feeling better and stronger with a job & a plan but STILL- I wanted it to work. Really, I feel blindsided as he hasn't done this in months. Everyone says I'll know when enough is enough. But still, fear of how ugly things will get keeps me here.
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Old 06-06-2014, 08:25 PM
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Yes. Also sounds like he's heading for a slip, justifying in his head that a drink will be OK because he's so upset about the argument that he instigated and escalated. Is he working a program like AA or just not drinking?
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Old 06-06-2014, 08:57 PM
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Doesn't matter what you call it. It's clearly not something you want in your life, it sounds like.

When you say you're staying out of fear of how ugly it's going to get otherwise - can you tell us what you mean? Are you afraid of violence or of emotional abuse? An expensive outdrawn court fight or death threats? I think between us here, we've covered most situations... Maybe if you tell us some more about what your fears are, someone can come up with some suggestions?
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Old 06-06-2014, 10:26 PM
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He will battle me on everything. Money. Put the kids in the middle. I can't even think what else. Its 2 am and i just woke up and trying to calm down my daughter, i don't know where he is and this is such a crappy thing to do to THEM. He thinks he's getting even with me- so messed up!

He is working a program, supposedly just got a sponsor. Going to AA, and a group AA and addiction counselor. Used to pretend nothing made him angry. That was a lie. Now so angry all the time. Seethes.
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Old 06-06-2014, 10:43 PM
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Start documenting. Now. 2 am and nowhere to be found. Behavior causing daughter anxiety. On paper you have a DUI and a job loss related to alcohol. Sounds like a good start to me.
I got the "we'll fight you" noise from my ex and his mom (had to have mommy there, pretty much tells you all you need to know). I told them to go ahead. Let the courts take a good long look at him on paper. Years worth of public intox type arrests, fines, etc. All pointing to a case for someone with a real drinking problem, if not an outright alcoholic. Shut that down real quick.
Quacking is part and parcel of the disease. No alcoholic really wants full time responsibility for minor children. Too much work, takes up valuable drinking time. That's just noise to try and keep us in our place.
If he shows up drunk, call the police. No matter what the outcome, get it entered into official record. Establish a pattern of drinking and irresponsible behavior.
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Old 06-06-2014, 11:11 PM
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Though I did not have children involved, my situation was similar. I was scared to leave, scared of all the things he threatened to do and scared of all the things I knew he would likely do.

I wanted it to work and I am sure most of us that have left did but after 15 years of the same thing over and over I grew tired and had to face the fact that he it was unlikely he was going to change but I was.... I was getting weak, sick, depressed and weary.

I followed the wonderful advise from others here, though I had been journaling since his first rehab, I started preparing myself, by documenting everything, reported his threats to the police, started setting money aside, packed an emergency bag, removed things I couldn't replace, confided in people I could trust for help if I did have to leave quickly and most important as soon as I knew I was leaving I went to see an attorney to get legal advice.

You know him better than anyone, if you think he will raise a stink, he probably will, most of them do. Should you decide to end it, the more plans you make in advance the easier it will be for you and your children and you will already be several steps ahead of him.
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Old 06-07-2014, 03:28 AM
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Its the silent treatment, its an insidious , mean , deliberate action on his part, it is meant to hurt, scare, upset and hopefully in the end get you to bow down to what he wants. I experienced this in my relationship with my x, it would cause fear, anger, and anxiety in me that was so painful, quite frankly I would have preferred slamming my finger in the door. It is unacceptable behavior on his part, if you have children it will damage them probably for a very long time. It is very difficult to manage your emotions when someone is abusing you in this way. I personally had to get away from my x to prevent myself from having the silent treatment inflicted on my anymore.

He would tell me he was hurt or angry and that is why he did it, I personally believe he did it because he was unhappy about my behavior and he wanted me to pay , and I did, dearly. If he does not get that it is unacceptable for him to do this to you, it will continue to cause you great harm mentally emotionally , physically and spiritually.

Yes love, it is emotional abuse at its finest. I'm so sorry it is being used against you.
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Old 06-07-2014, 03:42 AM
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Yes it is. I would call it some sort of manipulation. I have been married over 20 years and neither of us would pull a stunt like that. One time I was really angry with him and told him I was going to stay at my friends house overnight. Just hang up and not come home...NO WAY.
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Old 06-07-2014, 03:51 AM
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Thank you all. This can't be good; he hasn't stayed out like this since he stopped drinking
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Old 06-07-2014, 04:21 AM
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Posts like this appear all over these forums, with the title slightly altered to "Is he an alcoholic or not?". My standard response is it doesn't matter what label you put on it, if it is unacceptable to you, then you need to draw some boundaries.

This wholly applies to your situation. Draw some boundaries and stick with them.
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Old 06-07-2014, 05:52 AM
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Hello Flavia!

I'm sorry to hear about your night. I hope you and the children were able to get some rest.

I'm not qualified to say whether or not this is emotionally abusive, but it seems that way to me. I do know it is a very immature and childish temper tantrum he is throwing.

Please take care!
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Old 06-07-2014, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Flavia2 View Post
AH stopped drinking after a DUI and job loss about six months ago. Things have continued to be difficult between us and not too much genuine remorse from him for prior behavior (IMO)
This morning, very small argument but he hangs up on me. Extreme to me, but I get on with my day. No contact. Now 11pm and still no phone call & he does not come home.
It seems to follow same old pattern of leave/refuse to speak to me. Like he's trying to punish me! Ugh- I am feeling better and stronger with a job & a plan but STILL- I wanted it to work. Really, I feel blindsided as he hasn't done this in months. Everyone says I'll know when enough is enough. But still, fear of how ugly things will get keeps me here.
Hey Flavia, I hope you got some rest. What stood out for me in your post was you saying that you think he's trying to punish you.

For what? (Below is just just an example how I saw these kind of situations play out. I can not tell how close this is to your situation, but maybe it's helpful)

Why punish?

Have you done something wrong, something you could stop, so he would not have to run away and maybe drink?
Is it all your fault and now he stays away to "teach" you your lesson and "show you" how much you have hurt him by making you feel worried and guilty?
Should you better be relieved when he returns and "shut up"?
Have you made a mistake that caused him to make a mistake?
Shouldn't the past be in the past, and wouldn't it be nice if he "forgave you" for pushing him away and hurting him and causing him to run and drink? Do you want to be a nag, or get over it and stop exaggerating?

My point is - no partner has the right to "punish" their spouse. Just as you are not the reason that someone drinks there is in my opinion no valid reason for a partner to pull disappearing / silent treatment / blame game stunts on their spouse.

Like the others I can not tell you if he's abusing you, but I want you to know that your feelings and perceptions are valid and matter.
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Old 06-07-2014, 09:11 AM
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Flavia - it is emotional abuse. It's called silent treatment and it is 100% emotional abuse. My XABF used to do it to me and it tormented the hell out of me.

The Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse in Relationships/ marriage - how to cope.

"Often used by narcissists, silence can be a form of emotional abuse and as such it is unacceptable. Often, the person giving the silent treatment does so because they want (consciously or unconsciously) their victim to feel unworthy, to appease them, or to feel guilty about something. Alternatively they may want their victim to apologise for something, even though often they choose not to clarify what it is actually wrong!"

I'd read the article on the website there. He does it to make you worried and anxious and then when he does eventually speak to you, you are so relieved that you are willing to do anything to make sure that he doesn't do it again. It's a form of control and manipulation.

When he comes home, act normal as if he hasn't been away. It'll throw him for a loop that you aren't fawning over him. If it is obvious that he has been drinking, ask him to leave. You must focus on yourself and your kids. If your kids see their dad (I'm assuming this so please correct me if I'm wrong! :P) abusing their mum, they will see that as normal behaviour and will behave like that in the future, towards you, towards their future partners, towards anyone that cares about them. If you are worried that he will get violent, either have a phone ready to call the police (even if he is shouting, whatever, get him out of the house) or have a bag packed for you and your kids and have somewhere that you can go.
If he hasn't done this since he stopped drinking, then you may have to face up to the fact that he is drinking again. I hope he is not, but this abuse is not OK. It took me a few times to realise this, so please don't accept it for yourself. You are worth much more than that, and deserve someone who is going to respect you and what you want.
Big hugs, and be strong!
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