Luri

Hi all! I moved a few months back and had to change sponsors. I don't know if its my ego or laziness or what getting in the way but she is very pushy. The area where I live Al-Anon is strange.. I've gone to many meetings outside this area and its very intense here. She wants me to call everyday and go to meetings with her. Lately I've been slipping on calls and going to other meetings without her. She called me today sort of pissed off and sarcastic because I haven't been calling and that she hasn't seen me at a meeting since Sunday(June 1st). She asked me if I still wanted her to be my sponsor. I really don't care who my sponsor is I just want to do my steps. Maybe I need to be brought back to reality on this on why its important to have a relationship with a sponsor. The women in my meetings life their lives for Al-Anon, any extra time is devoted to service. I don't go to Al-Anon so it can be my whole life...I go so I can live my life on the outside of the meetings in peace. I thought the whole point of the meetings was to help me improve my self so I can improve my life. I don't want to call everyday. Some days I have nothing new to report. My life and my relationship with my RAH is amazing at the moment. I call for me and I go to meetings for me. NOT for my sponsor. I don't know.
Rant over.

hopeful4

I think participation on whatever level is for you to decide. Some throw themselves in entirely, some just show once in a blue moon, and that's ok too. You have to decide what level is right for you, and just do that. Don't let anyone pressure you.

I also think maybe you should seek a new sponsor. It is my feeling that should be someone you click with that understand you, and is also your friend. You should feel relief and assurance from your sponsor.

Good luck to you. I hope you keep going back for you. Have you tried a Celebrate Recovery? That is what I attend and attribute so much of what I learned there and my support system there to getting myself through one of the hardest parts of my life.

No matter what you decide, we are here for you at SR!!!

Have a great weekend!

lillamy

That is definitely how I feel about it, too. I don't think I would be able to work very well with a sponsor who demands as much as yours does. It would be perfectly OK, I think, to tell your sponsor that you and she seem to have different attitudes to how to approach recovery work, thank her for being willing to work with you, and say God bless you and goodbye to her...

CodeJob

The sponsor arrangement sets me on edge a bit in the Al Anon setting. First all I have seen sponsors circling and preening over new attendees. Then they make vague warnings about the dangers of not having a sponsor. Since we that attend these meetings might be a wee bit controlling of others, these are probably the ones to avoid unless you need someone to run your life.

I prayed to my HP that I thought it was time I found a sponsor and within a month, my sponsor showed up. It was obvious too because my HP knows at times I am oblivious to signs. My HP has to out most things in neon for me.

Hammer

There are some control freaks, but I think I see more of that on the AA side rather than Alanon, but that side is not so much our problem, huh?

As far as a "rigorous" (is that kind of enough?) sponsor. Might be good for a Steps Program -- actually getting you through the Steps, that is. Would not think so much so for "life." You are supposed to be learning to think, feel, act on your own under God's influence -- the Whole Point of the Program(s). Not so much about a Sponsor's influence.

Hammer

HP in Neon.

That works.

My favorite.

CodeJob

Thanks Hammer! I think in celebration I will turn on my LED Xmas lights tonight!

Hammer

sounds fun.

I have an old 70's lamp with Red, Blue, and Green compact fluorescence bulbs in it.

Might be a good night for that.

hopeful4

Love that Hammer, great pic!!!!

Luri

This is how I started my program, but since moving to this new area I've come to see that the program is different here. It's a weird, sponsor-centric program...with grandsponsors.

I hate it. They bully you into service and when you don't take it you are "talked to" but all the old timers(they are treated like gurus). It's a difficult area - its either way intense "cult" like or very loose meetings with very little recovery.

Thank you all for responding it helps a lot.

lillamy

One of the first things someone said to me in a meeting was, "There are no 'musts' in Al-Anon" -- and that's exactly what I needed to hear.

When you're in a relationship with an addict, or freshly out of one, at least I felt like what I needed was gentle guidance so that I could find my own voice/path. The last thing I needed was trading an alcoholic who was telling me what to do for a sponsor who was telling me what to do.

Hammer

Fully understand what you are saying.

So have you done your Steps, yet?

I mean the Really Do Them as a Step-by-Step thing? Books and All That.

If not, I would take the place you have landed and completely do the Steps with them. My experience, again just My Experience, is that with what we would consider "normal" Alanon was too easy and too soft for me to make it through the Steps.

I just finished, this last month a 5 month Men's Step Program that is/was Very Structured and Very Scheduled and folks kind of in your business -- but professionally so.

Really I still would not be through the Steps without that, but sailed right through with the structure.

Maybe just Bloom where you are planted?

Luri

I started my steps with my first sponsor before I moved (we only got to step 3). I just re-did step 1 and am working on step 2. I sort of turn into a hermit when I work steps and just observe how the step takes place in my life. Since I'm on step 2 I've been speaking to my own religious adviser and seeking out what a HP is to me. I need to live and work the steps at MY pace.

I totally agree with you though, I started them with her and I intend to finish them with her. I have thought about it and on the way to the meeting tonight (we are going together) I'm going to tell her that the way she wants things done is not going to happen with me. I will leave it up to her if she can handle having a sponsee who doesn't treat her sponsor like her HP.

fluffyflea

You aren,t married to your sponsor,do what is comfortable for you.

choublak

Grandsponsors? LOL that is news to me.

Lily1918

I'm gunna throw a grenade out here and say this:

be careful who you choose as a sponsor. This is a program for codependency right!? well... a sponsor who is controlling, argumentative, or constantly trying to "fix" you probably doesn't have as much recovery as you might think...
I have run into this problem before as well. There is no certification test to be a sponsor after all....
hugs. Trust your gut.

CodeJob

Hi Luri,

I hope you were able to speak up and come to an understanding with your sponsor or peacefully part ways.

I hope the steps continue to bring you peace and understanding. I am glad you are doing them. As for pace and process, that is debated as you can see!

Rosalba

This is an interesting thread; when I first started attending Alanon I found that meetings varied enormously in their thrust and how I was approached by people. Of course I found one where I really felt at home, and that's where I stayed.

To the OP - what you could ask yourself in regard to your sponsor is "Whose needs are being served here?" when she castigates you for not phoning her. (By the way, sarcasm is very passive-aggressive, and not conducive to a healthy relationship with anyone, ever!)

When I first started attending, I was taken to a meeting which was very highly structured, I was ordered to share rather than being allowed to participate (whether I wanted to or not); was told that I didn't need to believe in God to have a HP - but when I told them that I do have a religious faith, they continued to lecture me on how I didn't need it - and various other bits which I felt showed no respect for my beliefs or experience. While it worked for the regular participants, it's not an experience I'd care to repeat.

Control is a big issue for a lot of Alanoners, and it's no more appropriate in the fellowship than anywhere else.

I've never had a sponsor - largely because I've never faced a situation where I didn't find an answer by turning it over to my HP. If this changed, I'd definitely find one. I have a great friend who's been sober in AA for 20 years. He's never had a sponsor either.

I've found that the slogans in Alanon are absolutely wonderful, pithy reminders of an entire spiritual system. In your shoes, I'd be reminding myself of the slogan "Take what you like, and leave the rest"; sometimes we're not ready to take on aspects of the Steps, and that's OK. Sometimes what we're being offered is nothing to do with Steps or recovery itself.

LadyinBC

In my opinion a sponsor is there to guide you and help you thru the steps. I think a lot of people are of the mind frame that they HAVE to have one. And sometimes this can make them pick someone who really isn't for them and who isn't on the same page as them.

If you aren't meshing with her and you don't want her as a sponsor anymore then that is okay. There is no point in the both of you being frustrated with this as it really isn't healthy for either of you. It defeats the whole purpose of having one.

This is your recovery so do what feels right for you .

Hopeworks

The best way to choose a sponsor is to look for the person in meetings that stands out as someone who has what you are looking for in life. Serenity, peace, joy and hopefully wisdom and people skills are what I have looked for in others in meetings.

Those that are know-it-alls or hyper controlling usually reveal themselves and hopefully can be avoided. I have known of successful sponsorship situations where sponsors have been long distance and contact is over the phone if you can't find anyone you identify with in your local area.