Making amends?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Making amends?
Sorry for not replying to my previous post but thanks to those who did reply. I'm not great at replying back.
I've been pretty depressed lately. Now I'm angry. My XAB emailed me and wants to make amends. Apparently he's five months sober and has never been happier. Which makes me feel great because we were together for 7 years so I couldn't make him happy.
I feel like if I agree to see him so he can make amends is me saying it's ok what he did (physical abuse). I can forgive him for his addiction but not for the abuse. I don't think he really understands what he put me through every day. Even though I've told him so many times. I just don't know how he's a totally different person with only five months of sobriety. I'm happy he's doing so well but...it just doesn't seem right to me. I mean, literally when he got out of rehab into a sober house he was planning on moving in with a woman and her child. It just boggles my mind because he was sooo out of control in December. I'm just confused.
I've been pretty depressed lately. Now I'm angry. My XAB emailed me and wants to make amends. Apparently he's five months sober and has never been happier. Which makes me feel great because we were together for 7 years so I couldn't make him happy.
I feel like if I agree to see him so he can make amends is me saying it's ok what he did (physical abuse). I can forgive him for his addiction but not for the abuse. I don't think he really understands what he put me through every day. Even though I've told him so many times. I just don't know how he's a totally different person with only five months of sobriety. I'm happy he's doing so well but...it just doesn't seem right to me. I mean, literally when he got out of rehab into a sober house he was planning on moving in with a woman and her child. It just boggles my mind because he was sooo out of control in December. I'm just confused.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Truly making amends goes beyond just saying something to someone. You actually live the amends. You acknowledge your wrong-doing, mistakes, etc and then establish how you plan to behave now and in the future. And then do it. When we make a mistake, we promptly admit it, etc.
You sound like you're feeling anxious and leery of the situation. Why wouldn't you be? If you don't trust him, then you don't trust him. 5 months of sobriety might be great for him, but it doesn't erase the emotional scars/stress that you experienced. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean that you forget or have someone around you anymore. You have the right to forgive but still say goodbye or limit your contact with someone. That's totally up to you.
Meeting with him doesn't mean that you have to forgive, only that you're willing to listen to what he has to say. Heck, in response, you can say what you've just said, "I am willing to forgive your illness, but I am not willing to forgive the physical abuse. I feel nauseous about it and I don't trust you. I am happy that you are sober and truly wish you the best." (take what you like and leave the rest - you're the one that decides how you're actually feeling and what to say - I'm shootin' from the hip here). Also note that his amends is more about him than you. His major effort is to forgive himself. In which case, your forgiveness isn't technically necessary. He can ask for your forgiveness, but his sobriety does not require it. He is making an effort to let himself know that he will behave better so that he can feel better about who he is and be OK with making mistakes (we're all human, right?). And yes, if we're strong in our recovery we should be understanding when someone tells us to f*** off. I wouldn't blame you one bit in whatever choice you make. Your feelings matter here. You decide what you feel comfortable with. Heck, you could always say you don't feel comfortable with it right now, and tell him he can ask again after he's had at least one year of sobriety.
Just some ideas for you to ponder and make the choice that feels right for you.
You sound like you're feeling anxious and leery of the situation. Why wouldn't you be? If you don't trust him, then you don't trust him. 5 months of sobriety might be great for him, but it doesn't erase the emotional scars/stress that you experienced. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean that you forget or have someone around you anymore. You have the right to forgive but still say goodbye or limit your contact with someone. That's totally up to you.
Meeting with him doesn't mean that you have to forgive, only that you're willing to listen to what he has to say. Heck, in response, you can say what you've just said, "I am willing to forgive your illness, but I am not willing to forgive the physical abuse. I feel nauseous about it and I don't trust you. I am happy that you are sober and truly wish you the best." (take what you like and leave the rest - you're the one that decides how you're actually feeling and what to say - I'm shootin' from the hip here). Also note that his amends is more about him than you. His major effort is to forgive himself. In which case, your forgiveness isn't technically necessary. He can ask for your forgiveness, but his sobriety does not require it. He is making an effort to let himself know that he will behave better so that he can feel better about who he is and be OK with making mistakes (we're all human, right?). And yes, if we're strong in our recovery we should be understanding when someone tells us to f*** off. I wouldn't blame you one bit in whatever choice you make. Your feelings matter here. You decide what you feel comfortable with. Heck, you could always say you don't feel comfortable with it right now, and tell him he can ask again after he's had at least one year of sobriety.
Just some ideas for you to ponder and make the choice that feels right for you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I am a victim of past domestic violence as well. I am also in AA and understand the ninth step, or amends.
It is totally up to you when or if you are ever ready to listen to him. I do know that at some point you are going to want to forgive his illness. Maybe you aren't ready now, maybe you won't be for years. That is up to you. If it has been a short time since this happened, you may need a lot more time to feel safe. He doesn't have to do it face-to-face, either.
It is totally up to you when or if you are ever ready to listen to him. I do know that at some point you are going to want to forgive his illness. Maybe you aren't ready now, maybe you won't be for years. That is up to you. If it has been a short time since this happened, you may need a lot more time to feel safe. He doesn't have to do it face-to-face, either.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You are not on his timeline of recovery...you are on your own timeline. So if you are not ready to see him, hear him, etc....you're not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The A will try to make an amends in person, unless to do so would cause harm to others. He can make an amend to you without being face to face, or ever talking to you again. The amend is part of HIS recovery.
I 100% completely understand where you are, 5 months is a very short time.
I 100% completely understand where you are, 5 months is a very short time.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by meggygoround30 
Thank you, great advice. I feel a little bad for not meeting with him but I am nowhere near ready yet.
I'm an alcoholic and any amend I make should be to right a wrong or give comfort to someone else. My amend should NOT cause more distress for someone else or be made just make me feel better.
Personally lots of red flags when it comes to your ex, especially when it comes to physical abuse. Only 5 months sober and moving in with someone else? There is a reason they tell us to wait a year before getting into any kind of relationship. Personally I think he is in the honeymoon stage of recovery and just going thru the motions of recovery, but that is just my opinion.
You are not obligated to meet this man nor hear his amend. You owe this man nothing. You have more power here than you think. Not acknowledging him at all will send him a more powerful message. That he no longer has any hold over you at all.
These are just my opinions and thoughts on this from my side, just take what you need and leave the rest.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I would agree 5 months is a very short time. I might suggest to him that you may be willing to talk in the future but not now. It is a mixed bag because your forgiveness will help you heal as well. Damage done by resentments do not only apply to alcoholics. All of your anger and hurt does him no damage but eventually they will destroy you
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
You are under no obligation to meet with him or listen to his amends. Amends are to be made only if it does not cause harm to the other person. Meeting with him will cause you emotional harm. You don't owe him any explanation. He abused you. If you never want to see him again that is perfectly reasonable. Sorry you're hurting. xo
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
IMHO - Meggy I wouldn't blame you if you're not ready to see him or hear his amends. You owe this man nothing. His treatment of you was pretty horrific, and I can't help but wonder if he has a real grasp of what he's done after only 5 months sobriety, and what real recovery means. I do think though that when you're ready, forgiveness will help to free you of all of this.
From Dictionary.com -
a·mends [uh-mendz]
noun ( used with a singular or plural verb )
1.
reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.
It seems to me that his amends should be as much about you as it is about him. He is forgiving himself, and apologizing to you for the damage he has caused. If it's only to aid him in his recovery, then is it not furthering the selfishness of addiction?
Again, just my opinion. Take what you'd like and leave the rest!
From Dictionary.com -
a·mends [uh-mendz]
noun ( used with a singular or plural verb )
1.
reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.
It seems to me that his amends should be as much about you as it is about him. He is forgiving himself, and apologizing to you for the damage he has caused. If it's only to aid him in his recovery, then is it not furthering the selfishness of addiction?
Again, just my opinion. Take what you'd like and leave the rest!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 18
Are the alcoholics supposed to go through the ammends process again if they relapse? After a relapse, do they start all over again and go through the steps?
My husband had a relapse during a visit home after being sober (I think) for about 6 months in treatment. He still refuses to admit to the relapse and refuses to talk with me about it. Isn't "accountability" one of the most critical aspects of the program? I don't understand...
My husband had a relapse during a visit home after being sober (I think) for about 6 months in treatment. He still refuses to admit to the relapse and refuses to talk with me about it. Isn't "accountability" one of the most critical aspects of the program? I don't understand...
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by sunny09
I don't understand...
If crazy did make sense, you would have to be crazy, too.
Same crap, different household here.
Now pretends the Relapse never happened so that she can keep her Chip.
Just bizarre lunacy.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
ditto what readerbaby said. as the recipient of these "amends" you call the shots. and it is perfectly ok to say NO thanks. not now. maybe not ever. you are under NO obligation whatsoever.
I think either no response or no thanks sends a message that is most meaningful.
I mean seriously, moving in with someone after 5 months?
This guy most likely hasn't even begun to scratch the surface of his issues.
Keep detached and building your own life.
You're doing great meggy
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by Hammer
Well good for you.
If crazy did make sense, you would have to be crazy, too.
Same crap, different household here.
Now pretends the Relapse never happened so that she can keep her Chip.
Just bizarre lunacy.
If crazy did make sense, you would have to be crazy, too.
Same crap, different household here.
Now pretends the Relapse never happened so that she can keep her Chip.
Just bizarre lunacy.
So Hammer, this sounds not promising.
How are you doing these days?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Meggy!
He sure wants his life a bed of roses in a hurry, doesn't he? New woman and clean up the past with a few easily said words, a few months into his pink cloud of sobriety.
You don't need his continuing drama, and at this point the way I see it as an outsider that doesn't know him, he just wants to get the guilt off his chest.
I see a relapse coming soon enough in this guy.
"If you're still sober in 5 years call me again, and I'll be ready to listen."
OR...
Self, I really don't want to talk this guy ever again. Actually, I think I'll honor my own wants this time around! Woah! Big move! What I WANT FIRST. Yes yes yes!
He sure wants his life a bed of roses in a hurry, doesn't he? New woman and clean up the past with a few easily said words, a few months into his pink cloud of sobriety.
You don't need his continuing drama, and at this point the way I see it as an outsider that doesn't know him, he just wants to get the guilt off his chest.
I see a relapse coming soon enough in this guy.
"If you're still sober in 5 years call me again, and I'll be ready to listen."
OR...
Self, I really don't want to talk this guy ever again. Actually, I think I'll honor my own wants this time around! Woah! Big move! What I WANT FIRST. Yes yes yes!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I see a lot of great ideas from other posters.
Not face-to-face (over the phone? he can write you a letter? - For me, it's quite likely that some of my amends will only be by letter because they're for people I no longer want to see)
You owe him nothing.
It's only been 5 months (I've been in recovery in Al-Anon for almost 2 years - AA for about a year with almost 2 years of sobriety and I haven't completed step 5 yet).
All great suggestions that I'm going to remember for later.
Keep yourself safe - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. You have that right. Plus, you don't have to explain your decision to him. I personally like one of the suggested replies like "not right now" or simply no response at all.
Thanks for the topic. I'm learning.
Not face-to-face (over the phone? he can write you a letter? - For me, it's quite likely that some of my amends will only be by letter because they're for people I no longer want to see)
You owe him nothing.
It's only been 5 months (I've been in recovery in Al-Anon for almost 2 years - AA for about a year with almost 2 years of sobriety and I haven't completed step 5 yet).
All great suggestions that I'm going to remember for later.
Keep yourself safe - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. You have that right. Plus, you don't have to explain your decision to him. I personally like one of the suggested replies like "not right now" or simply no response at all.
Thanks for the topic. I'm learning.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Meggy - you are in control of how and when you are ready to hear his amends - if at all. This is about HIM. My STBEAH made his amends by letter 2 months sober - too little, too early, such a disappointment - wish I hadn't even read it. All about him, the language was stilted and 'AA speak' so didn't ring sincere. Everything about it was wrong, straight up. So you decide on what terms you want to deal with this, and no feeling bad now! Them crazies are hard enough to deal with without inflicting even more on ourselves!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
As a recovering alcoholic I will chime in from that side of the fence.
At five months, I was still a mess. It took about eight months to get my head sorted to a halfway normal place. this varies by individual.
An amends is not him apologizing and you accepting his apology. I have no doubt "Im sorry" is a phrase that you have ignored for years, because alcoholics love saying it, because it requires no work or accountability.
A proper amends is an acknowledgement of what has been done wrong and a willingness to do whatever possible to right the wrong.
You are under no obligation to forgive, or do ANYTHING.
In my opinion, if you told him what is in your original post, verbatim, you could let him know just how horribly his actions have affected you and CONTINUE to affect you.
Its really not your problem how he handles it. If he expects forgiveness and happiness, he is really not working the program. His amends have NOTHING to do with results, and EVERYTHING to do with personal responsibility.
It MIGHT be a good opportunity to safely let him know how you REALLY feel. Honestly, (and I wouldn't pull any punches.)
FWIW, I am still making amends, and Im closing in on two years sober. It took a long long time to honestly reflect on my behavior and realize the effect that I had on others.
You can ignore him if you like, you are under ZERO obligation here, but if you do meet with him, you should be able to gauge his earnestness in recovery by what Ive explained above.
At five months, I was still a mess. It took about eight months to get my head sorted to a halfway normal place. this varies by individual.
An amends is not him apologizing and you accepting his apology. I have no doubt "Im sorry" is a phrase that you have ignored for years, because alcoholics love saying it, because it requires no work or accountability.
A proper amends is an acknowledgement of what has been done wrong and a willingness to do whatever possible to right the wrong.
You are under no obligation to forgive, or do ANYTHING.
In my opinion, if you told him what is in your original post, verbatim, you could let him know just how horribly his actions have affected you and CONTINUE to affect you.
Its really not your problem how he handles it. If he expects forgiveness and happiness, he is really not working the program. His amends have NOTHING to do with results, and EVERYTHING to do with personal responsibility.
It MIGHT be a good opportunity to safely let him know how you REALLY feel. Honestly, (and I wouldn't pull any punches.)
FWIW, I am still making amends, and Im closing in on two years sober. It took a long long time to honestly reflect on my behavior and realize the effect that I had on others.
You can ignore him if you like, you are under ZERO obligation here, but if you do meet with him, you should be able to gauge his earnestness in recovery by what Ive explained above.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel
As a recovering alcoholic I will chime in from that side of the fence.
At five months, I was still a mess. It took about eight months to get my head sorted to a halfway normal place. this varies by individual.
An amends is not him apologizing and you accepting his apology. I have no doubt "Im sorry" is a phrase that you have ignored for years, because alcoholics love saying it, because it requires no work or accountability.
A proper amends is an acknowledgement of what has been done wrong and a willingness to do whatever possible to right the wrong.
You are under no obligation to forgive, or do ANYTHING.
In my opinion, if you told him what is in your original post, verbatim, you could let him know just how horribly his actions have affected you and CONTINUE to affect you.
Its really not your problem how he handles it. If he expects forgiveness and happiness, he is really not working the program. His amends have NOTHING to do with results, and EVERYTHING to do with personal responsibility.
It MIGHT be a good opportunity to safely let him know how you REALLY feel. Honestly, (and I wouldn't pull any punches.)
FWIW, I am still making amends, and Im closing in on two years sober. It took a long long time to honestly reflect on my behavior and realize the effect that I had on others.
You can ignore him if you like, you are under ZERO obligation here, but if you do meet with him, you should be able to gauge his earnestness in recovery by what Ive explained above.
At five months, I was still a mess. It took about eight months to get my head sorted to a halfway normal place. this varies by individual.
An amends is not him apologizing and you accepting his apology. I have no doubt "Im sorry" is a phrase that you have ignored for years, because alcoholics love saying it, because it requires no work or accountability.
A proper amends is an acknowledgement of what has been done wrong and a willingness to do whatever possible to right the wrong.
You are under no obligation to forgive, or do ANYTHING.
In my opinion, if you told him what is in your original post, verbatim, you could let him know just how horribly his actions have affected you and CONTINUE to affect you.
Its really not your problem how he handles it. If he expects forgiveness and happiness, he is really not working the program. His amends have NOTHING to do with results, and EVERYTHING to do with personal responsibility.
It MIGHT be a good opportunity to safely let him know how you REALLY feel. Honestly, (and I wouldn't pull any punches.)
FWIW, I am still making amends, and Im closing in on two years sober. It took a long long time to honestly reflect on my behavior and realize the effect that I had on others.
You can ignore him if you like, you are under ZERO obligation here, but if you do meet with him, you should be able to gauge his earnestness in recovery by what Ive explained above.
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