Angry Doesn't Even Cover It!
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Angry Doesn't Even Cover It!
Today I organised the last of the stuff - I am no longer on the lease and I am no longer on the joint account. I needed him to sign the form for the joint account so I saw him, he signed it without any issues and told me again that he was waiting for me. I told him not to because I am not sure that I will ever be ready to come back. The trust is gone, the hurt of things he has said and done is still there and I won't ever be able to rely on him. It was sad, we hugged but I left without shedding any tears.
Fast forward! I am at work and my boss asks me to phone up my old place of work to get a discount code (where XABF still works). I spoke to a girl who works there who I know is quite friendly with XABF. She then proceeds to tell me that it is quite obvious XABF is hurting and he is upset. She then says that she would bet money on us getting back together and she thinks that he has learned his lesson.
What a load of s**t! Guess what I saw when I was in the old flat today? You guessed it - beer bottles! He sure learned a lesson there then!
I got so angry after I hung up. What the hell does she know about our relationship? Does she even know some of the things he put me through! Has she ever had to ask her partner to stop taking drugs, and stop lying? No! Argh! She's making out like it was easy for me to leave, and that I should go back to take away his pain. What about my pain? Can he take away the pain of trashing the living room in my old flat before he moved in? Can he take away the pain of telling me that it's my fault that he couldn't perform in the bedroom! Can he take away the pain of not supporting me while was sick! When I nearly got mugged. When I had to carry him home while he was calling me a bitch and telling me that he was going to throw me under a bus? No!
Right now - I just want to get the money he owes me and I don't want to see him again.
By the way - he hasn't asked her to say this stuff to me, but she took it upon herself to tell me this. Like I really needed someone to remind me that I've hurt him? Thanks, you've made me more guilty when I was just getting over it. Cow!
Maybe she should've got both sides of the story first? If I told her every time that I begged him to stop, that he disrespected me, that he verbally and emotionally abused me, would she still be on his side?
His drinking is what brought us to this point, and he is not stopping. He wants me back? But he is still drinking! He's not even showing me that he would try to change and even if he does, he's not putting much effort into it.
Sorry for the rant but I needed to let this out. I wish I'd never met him now!
Fast forward! I am at work and my boss asks me to phone up my old place of work to get a discount code (where XABF still works). I spoke to a girl who works there who I know is quite friendly with XABF. She then proceeds to tell me that it is quite obvious XABF is hurting and he is upset. She then says that she would bet money on us getting back together and she thinks that he has learned his lesson.
What a load of s**t! Guess what I saw when I was in the old flat today? You guessed it - beer bottles! He sure learned a lesson there then!
I got so angry after I hung up. What the hell does she know about our relationship? Does she even know some of the things he put me through! Has she ever had to ask her partner to stop taking drugs, and stop lying? No! Argh! She's making out like it was easy for me to leave, and that I should go back to take away his pain. What about my pain? Can he take away the pain of trashing the living room in my old flat before he moved in? Can he take away the pain of telling me that it's my fault that he couldn't perform in the bedroom! Can he take away the pain of not supporting me while was sick! When I nearly got mugged. When I had to carry him home while he was calling me a bitch and telling me that he was going to throw me under a bus? No!
Right now - I just want to get the money he owes me and I don't want to see him again.
By the way - he hasn't asked her to say this stuff to me, but she took it upon herself to tell me this. Like I really needed someone to remind me that I've hurt him? Thanks, you've made me more guilty when I was just getting over it. Cow!
Maybe she should've got both sides of the story first? If I told her every time that I begged him to stop, that he disrespected me, that he verbally and emotionally abused me, would she still be on his side?
His drinking is what brought us to this point, and he is not stopping. He wants me back? But he is still drinking! He's not even showing me that he would try to change and even if he does, he's not putting much effort into it.
Sorry for the rant but I needed to let this out. I wish I'd never met him now!
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Hi Worried, I've had lots of experiences where common politeness or social training has made me be quiet when someone was giving unwanted advice, or interfering in my business. Of course you spend a few hours thinking of what you should have said, starting with 'I'd rather not discuss'.
If it matters at all, the truth usually comes out in the end. Like you say, he's not showing any signs of stopping, for all his remorse, and in time his addiction will become much more obvious. Just thought of a good comeback! 'Maybe you should go out with him then?'
See what i mean? Try to put it past you, and be ready to shut down any unwanted advice in the future.
If it matters at all, the truth usually comes out in the end. Like you say, he's not showing any signs of stopping, for all his remorse, and in time his addiction will become much more obvious. Just thought of a good comeback! 'Maybe you should go out with him then?'
See what i mean? Try to put it past you, and be ready to shut down any unwanted advice in the future.
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Well, she's not of the same persuasion as I am so unfortunately, she can't date him and find out how bad he can be!
I'm just so angry because I was starting to feel alright. I was proud of myself that I a managed to meet him yesterday and not cry. I've got everything sorted out for me to start a new life. And then she had to say all that and make me feel guilty and horrible all over again!
The thing is - I still don't know what he is actually missing. Is he missing me or is he missing the easy life that I gave him? He didn't seem to bother when I was there!
I'm just so angry because I was starting to feel alright. I was proud of myself that I a managed to meet him yesterday and not cry. I've got everything sorted out for me to start a new life. And then she had to say all that and make me feel guilty and horrible all over again!
The thing is - I still don't know what he is actually missing. Is he missing me or is he missing the easy life that I gave him? He didn't seem to bother when I was there!
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Originally Posted by Worried0810 
Is he missing me or is he missing the easy life that I gave him? He didn't seem to bother when I was there!
By leaving him you have given him the gift of determining how he's going to live his life from now on.
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I know, you're right, I'm just angry.
I do wish that I could go back and it would all be alright, but it wouldn't. I can't force myself live in misery for his happiness, when he was placing a bottle above me every time.
Even if he made an indication that he would change, I could say, 'Well, do what you need to do, and when you're sober, we can talk properly and possibly giving it another shot'. But he's not! He's still drinking! That's the reason I left, and he's still picking it over me!
What annoys me is that I used to smoke, quite a few a day and I was addicted. He didn't like it so I stopped. It was hard and I had some bloody cravings, but I stopped because he didn't like it. I know that it's not the same but how come I could stop and he couldn't/wouldn't? How could he pick a bottle over our relationship?
I'm being made to feel like the total guilty party now because I'm the one who walked. That girl doesn't remember the two times before when he walked out and I was the one who was miserable and trying to reconcile. The second time we split, he gave me the silent treatment for five days before telling me (100% sober!) that he did not love me anymore and did not want to be with me. It was only when I started making arrangements to move out that he changed his mind.
I do wish that I could go back and it would all be alright, but it wouldn't. I can't force myself live in misery for his happiness, when he was placing a bottle above me every time.
Even if he made an indication that he would change, I could say, 'Well, do what you need to do, and when you're sober, we can talk properly and possibly giving it another shot'. But he's not! He's still drinking! That's the reason I left, and he's still picking it over me!
What annoys me is that I used to smoke, quite a few a day and I was addicted. He didn't like it so I stopped. It was hard and I had some bloody cravings, but I stopped because he didn't like it. I know that it's not the same but how come I could stop and he couldn't/wouldn't? How could he pick a bottle over our relationship?
I'm being made to feel like the total guilty party now because I'm the one who walked. That girl doesn't remember the two times before when he walked out and I was the one who was miserable and trying to reconcile. The second time we split, he gave me the silent treatment for five days before telling me (100% sober!) that he did not love me anymore and did not want to be with me. It was only when I started making arrangements to move out that he changed his mind.
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You are the healthy one, don't forget that. And I'm sure nobody thinks you're a villain.
It's amazing that you gave up smoking for him, but he obviously doesn't have your strength.
It's amazing that you gave up smoking for him, but he obviously doesn't have your strength.
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I think you need to reflect on why someone else's uninformed opinion is triggering you so much.
She isn't your best friend, or your parent, or anyone who matters one whit in the big picture.
She's his co-worker--not even yours.
You did the right thing for you and you know it.
His drinking will certainly get more obvious to others as alcoholism is progressive.
Maybe others (like her) will begin see that, or not. It doesn't matter.
You are taking care of yourself and that is the most important thing.
Let this go and keep moving forward. You're doing very well from my perspective
She isn't your best friend, or your parent, or anyone who matters one whit in the big picture.
She's his co-worker--not even yours.
You did the right thing for you and you know it.
His drinking will certainly get more obvious to others as alcoholism is progressive.
Maybe others (like her) will begin see that, or not. It doesn't matter.
You are taking care of yourself and that is the most important thing.
Let this go and keep moving forward. You're doing very well from my perspective
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See, that's annoying me as well. I don't know why I'm so angry about it! I don't even like the girl! I just hate that this girl who knows nothing about the events that triggered the break up is passing judgment on me because I'm the one who walked out and he's the one who's sad. Telling me that she thinks he's learned his lesson. This was never about 'teaching him a lesson', this is me breaking free of the alcoholic rollercoaster that I've rode for far too long.
I'm calming down now, but it just infuriates me!
I'm calming down now, but it just infuriates me!
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Worried--I am curious.....exactly how should she have gained the knowledge of what went on behind your closed doors???? Is she listening to what he said to her?
Who are you angry with? Him for what he has told.....or her for not knowing things that she was not told?
dandylion
Who are you angry with? Him for what he has told.....or her for not knowing things that she was not told?
dandylion
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Thanks I'm just trying to deal with everything now, and getting ready to move country! I'm going to move in with my mum soon. Hopefully everything will be sorted up here before I go.
I feel a bit selfish but I need to focus on myself now. I'm sick of being second best, so I'm putting myself first! I'm focusing on my future and what I want in it, and who.
dandylion - I don't think he's told her anything except that I've left and that I'm not coming back. I bet that he hasn't told her anything he has done. I think she just thinks that we had another argument and that I'm not trying to teach him a lesson. It's much more than that, so I'm annoyed at her poking her nose in when she knows nothing of what's happened over the past 4 years.
I'm just trying to deal with everything now, and getting ready to move country! I'm going to move in with my mum soon. Hopefully everything will be sorted up here before I go.I feel a bit selfish but I need to focus on myself now. I'm sick of being second best, so I'm putting myself first! I'm focusing on my future and what I want in it, and who.
dandylion - I don't think he's told her anything except that I've left and that I'm not coming back. I bet that he hasn't told her anything he has done. I think she just thinks that we had another argument and that I'm not trying to teach him a lesson. It's much more than that, so I'm annoyed at her poking her nose in when she knows nothing of what's happened over the past 4 years.
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My opinion only:
People want to see other people happy. They are projecting onto others what they think would make them happy. It is not their place to do that, but they do it anyway. I think people mostly mean well, but they aren't in a position to be giving advice. I find that in breakups there are those who try to get you back together, no matter the circumstances. Those are people who believe in a One True Love or a SoulMate.
Meh, she'll get over herself someday. Or she'll drive herself nutso worrying about other peoples' problems instead of her own.
People want to see other people happy. They are projecting onto others what they think would make them happy. It is not their place to do that, but they do it anyway. I think people mostly mean well, but they aren't in a position to be giving advice. I find that in breakups there are those who try to get you back together, no matter the circumstances. Those are people who believe in a One True Love or a SoulMate.
Meh, she'll get over herself someday. Or she'll drive herself nutso worrying about other peoples' problems instead of her own.
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Worried--this world is filled with people who are less than what we would like for them to be. These people are irksom and annoying to us--even make us angry. You are going to run into them throughout your life.
I predict that with time and distance your will be able to move past your anger and see her as just another protoplasm-filled sack hurling through space.
dandylion
I predict that with time and distance your will be able to move past your anger and see her as just another protoplasm-filled sack hurling through space.
dandylion
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Oh my god - may I steal that description? "Another protoplasm-filled sack" I love that!
Yeah, eventually I won't care. It just annoyed me that she was acting like I intentionally done this to hurt him. She doesn't know anything and yet she's giving me her opinion, when I never even asked for it! Grrrr.....
But never mind - I am looking forward, not back. If he didn't drink, then we wouldn't have got to this stage. Simple! So he can drink, but I'm not going to be there for it.
Yeah, eventually I won't care. It just annoyed me that she was acting like I intentionally done this to hurt him. She doesn't know anything and yet she's giving me her opinion, when I never even asked for it! Grrrr.....
But never mind - I am looking forward, not back. If he didn't drink, then we wouldn't have got to this stage. Simple! So he can drink, but I'm not going to be there for it.
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Worried---please have at it!! I actually heard this somewhere, myself--though I have no idea where...
Right now you are still as angry as a hot poker. When your blood is no longer hot boiling lava.....everything will fall back into perspective. That is a promise.
Time and space. Short-term pain for long-term gain.
dandylion
Right now you are still as angry as a hot poker. When your blood is no longer hot boiling lava.....everything will fall back into perspective. That is a promise.
Time and space. Short-term pain for long-term gain.
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Honestly, this girl can't "make you" feel guilty and horrible. She is just a person with an opinion that doesn't matter at all. Why do you care what she thinks about it? People outside of addiction, the "normies" if you will, often respond with ignorance. They may be well meaning, as her saying she thinks you'll get back together, but they're not necessarily trying to be callous. They just don't get it...and they never will. You know what you're doing, so just blow her off and move forward.
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After I left AXH, I got phone calls and e-mails from his friends and coworkers -- all women, imagine that -- who were telling me how much he was hurting and offering to recommend counselors to us and explaining to me how remorseful he was and how "he really feels you've betrayed him."
I stopped taking those calls and stopped reading those e-mails, because I knew he hadn't told them the whole story. I knew he had told them his story. The story where I was the big bad offender and he was the victim. It's what he does. Finds women who will listen and feel sorry for him. He dated three social workers after I left him, all women who believed I was a full-feathered harpy. Until he assaulted the last one and she got a restraining order against him...
You really sound like you're on a good path here, you know where you're going, you're done with him, don't let someone he's been able to convince to feel sorry for him affect you in the least!!!
I stopped taking those calls and stopped reading those e-mails, because I knew he hadn't told them the whole story. I knew he had told them his story. The story where I was the big bad offender and he was the victim. It's what he does. Finds women who will listen and feel sorry for him. He dated three social workers after I left him, all women who believed I was a full-feathered harpy. Until he assaulted the last one and she got a restraining order against him...
You really sound like you're on a good path here, you know where you're going, you're done with him, don't let someone he's been able to convince to feel sorry for him affect you in the least!!!
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