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Old 06-03-2014, 12:46 PM
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new to all of this

I have been lurking on here for awhile now, reading and learning a lot. I've never posted to a forum like this, so am a little nervous.
Back in October, my husband had a seizure at home due to alcohol withdrawal. Our 2 daughters (6 & 8) saw it happen- ambulance, fire department, etc. I didn't know it was alcohol at the time. He'd been very "sick" for many months, and we all thought it was depression/anxiety, stomach issues, etc. At the time of the seizure, he was supposedly in recovery. We had struggled with alcohol issues for YEARS - started as him drinking more than I thought was normal, progressed to him hiding alcohol from me, then moved on to me "catching" him with alcohol - hiding it around the house, etc. But prior to the seizure, he was telling everyone that he'd been sober for 8 months. He looked awful though and his health was terrible. Now I know he was lying the whole time, and I still have a really hard time understanding why I didn't "get it" then that he was actively drinking and getting out of control. The times I would suspect he'd been drinking, he would of course deny, get angry, we'd fight, etc. I remember thinking that I must be wrong - he must NOT be drinking - because if he were drinking this time, that would mean he'd been drinking all those other times - and that couldn't be. Now I know it was.
We went through horrible detox at the hospital. I decided he could not come home, and he went to inpatient rehab in another state. After that, we all decided the best thing was for him to stay with his family and continue outpatient. He has not lived with us since then.
He came for a visit to see the girls about 3 weeks ago. He RELAPSED while here, during his chance to see them and spend time with them. Drove with them in the car after buying a drink a convenience store. He was horrible to me on the phone and didn't show up for planned activities with the kids. It was a huge disaster. He continues to refer to the recent relapse as something that "happened to him" while here on a visit. He will not admit to it to me, and says he is talking to "people who care about him" back where he lives, and will not talk about it with me.
Ever since I realized in the ER that this was all due to drinking, I feel like something just clicked in me. I decided right then that I just can't do this anymore. I feel like he and I are over - no question. All the years of lying have just crushed everything. I feel shocked, dismayed, in disbelief...and also sad and angry- but not much else. I feel sad for him that this is how his life is unfolding, but there's a part of me that feels so detached from him. After the lying and living this "double life", I feel there's little there's between us. He, of course, does not get that. He continues to minimize it all, and recently said "I only lied to you about drinking".
This is long. I don't really have a question. Just feeling so raw and busted open, and SO SHOCKED that he just doesn't seem to get it. He still seems to think that he will just get better, and we will all just be so happy and proud of him, and everything will go back to normal.
I am looking into divorce and pretty much see no other alternative.
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Old 06-03-2014, 12:53 PM
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Hello sunny, and welcome...Im so sorry for the hurt. Its an awful place we all find ourselves in...but, you sound strong in your resolve to take care of yourself and your children first and foremost and that is wonderful. It has taken me a long time to come to the spot where my wellbeing and that of my boys is first...I'm sad to say that.

Im glad you're hear. Keep reading and posting, and above all, continue to help yourself to heal. Its a long process, one I've not fully realized and may not for a very long time.
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Old 06-03-2014, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by sunny09 View Post
I have been lurking on here for awhile now, reading and learning a lot. I've never posted to a forum like this, so am a little nervous.
Back in October, my husband had a seizure at home due to alcohol withdrawal. Our 2 daughters (6 & 8) saw it happen- ambulance, fire department, etc. I didn't know it was alcohol at the time. He'd been very "sick" for many months, and we all thought it was depression/anxiety, stomach issues, etc. At the time of the seizure, he was supposedly in recovery. We had struggled with alcohol issues for YEARS - started as him drinking more than I thought was normal, progressed to him hiding alcohol from me, then moved on to me "catching" him with alcohol - hiding it around the house, etc. But prior to the seizure, he was telling everyone that he'd been sober for 8 months. He looked awful though and his health was terrible. Now I know he was lying the whole time, and I still have a really hard time understanding why I didn't "get it" then that he was actively drinking and getting out of control. The times I would suspect he'd been drinking, he would of course deny, get angry, we'd fight, etc. I remember thinking that I must be wrong - he must NOT be drinking - because if he were drinking this time, that would mean he'd been drinking all those other times - and that couldn't be. Now I know it was.
We went through horrible detox at the hospital. I decided he could not come home, and he went to inpatient rehab in another state. After that, we all decided the best thing was for him to stay with his family and continue outpatient. He has not lived with us since then.
He came for a visit to see the girls about 3 weeks ago. He RELAPSED while here, during his chance to see them and spend time with them. Drove with them in the car after buying a drink a convenience store. He was horrible to me on the phone and didn't show up for planned activities with the kids. It was a huge disaster. He continues to refer to the recent relapse as something that "happened to him" while here on a visit. He will not admit to it to me, and says he is talking to "people who care about him" back where he lives, and will not talk about it with me.
Ever since I realized in the ER that this was all due to drinking, I feel like something just clicked in me. I decided right then that I just can't do this anymore. I feel like he and I are over - no question. All the years of lying have just crushed everything. I feel shocked, dismayed, in disbelief...and also sad and angry- but not much else. I feel sad for him that this is how his life is unfolding, but there's a part of me that feels so detached from him. After the lying and living this "double life", I feel there's little there's between us. He, of course, does not get that. He continues to minimize it all, and recently said "I only lied to you about drinking".
This is long. I don't really have a question. Just feeling so raw and busted open, and SO SHOCKED that he just doesn't seem to get it. He still seems to think that he will just get better, and we will all just be so happy and proud of him, and everything will go back to normal.
I am looking into divorce and pretty much see no other alternative.

Firstly, welcome to SR, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this awful time in your life, you are doing the right thing, you can only control what you can control in life. Being strong for yourself and your Kids is the most important thing you can do right now.

Welcome aboard.
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Old 06-03-2014, 12:55 PM
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I am so sorry. I have been there, I truly understand, as do many here at SR. You will find lots of support here!

You will also hear of many people who had significant other's who drank and drank and they had no idea. Your mind does not work in the same way an addicts does, for that, be thankful. It's ok that you did not know, it would not have changed the facts anyways.

All you can do is focus on you and your children. It's really important for them to understand because that is the age that internalizes the most and easily can blame themselves. It would be good for all of you to be in counseling and or/Alanon/Celebrate Recovery, some face to face support.

I welcome you here and hope you are able to find some peace today!
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Old 06-03-2014, 01:17 PM
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Your story seems to be our story too. I'm glad you found us, we'll strengthen each other.
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Old 06-03-2014, 01:32 PM
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Thank you so much!
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Old 06-03-2014, 01:49 PM
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Sunny, welcome to SR. My A also drank secretly, denied it to me when questioned, and withdrew money from our savings over a period of years to buy alcohol w/o my knowledge (needed to buy it w/cash, as credit card would leave a paper trail). I was so certain at times that he was drinking, but he was leaving the house every Saturday AM to "go to an AA meeting" (which he never went to) and he denied that he was drinking w/such a hurt look and such sincerity....

You are not alone in believing what someone you love tells you b/c you want to believe!

I'm glad you are able to feel detached, and I hope you find support and hope here. SR is a wonderful community. I've also found Alanon to be a great resource and would like to suggest trying some meetings.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you move forward.
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Old 06-03-2014, 06:50 PM
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I feel the same way, Sunny. We've been married almost 45 years, my husband had a liver transplant almost 7 years ago after destroying his liver. When I found out a few weeks ago that he started drinking again almost a year ago, something clicked for me too. I just feel done. You could call it detachment, but it actually goes beyond that.

He doesn't realize yet that I feel this way. He's doing an online course for addicts in addition to in-person meetings and sends me all his worksheets. I read his answers but I've heard it all before and frankly, I really don't care what he does anymore. The things he's done over the years have caused serious problems with our children, and when my daughter-in-law wrote him off after our epic family blowup a few weeks ago, I decided enough was enough.

I spilled a lot of family secrets to the people who didn't know them, which opened a whole new can of worms, but at least everything is out in the open and my adult children all understand why I've asked him to move out.(which he has). I should have done this a long time ago. I singlehandedly moved us temporarily to Florida 7 years ago so he could get a liver transplant there, where the waiting lists were shorter, put my own life on hold for months. I could have saved myself a lot of time and effort.

Stay the course.
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Old 06-03-2014, 06:57 PM
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Hi Sunny, just wanted to welcome you to sr, I hope all goes well for you and your children, there is lots of help and support here for you.((((hugs))))
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Old 06-04-2014, 12:08 PM
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Hi Sunny welcome, I too had a lightbulb moment when I realized all the issues in our marriage surrounded AH's drinking and how did I not realize this before.How did I not know he was an alcoholic? My A hides his drinking too.

Unfotunately life with an A is full of surprises. The best thing you can do now is to focus on you and getting yourself help. Have you tried AlAnon? You would benefit greatly fom it. You have absolutely no control over your husband and how or when he may drink again. You can only focus on yourself. Hang in there, I am so much stronger now than when I first came here. Feel free to post anytime. We understand what you are going through.
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