Syca205

Hi all. This is my first post and first visit to the website. I stumbled upon it after googling "husband relapsed & young children". Here is my backstory. I am 27 and my husband is 34 and we have been together for 5 years. I say husband even though we are not married because aside from a marriage certificate we are all but married--- joint bank account, own a house together, and completely committed to each other. We have a one year old and I am 33 weeks pregnant with our second daughter. My husband went on a week long drinking binge 8 months ago (unknown to me at the time) and put his life in danger and our new baby's life in danger also. I came home from work one night to find a screaming baby laying in the bed next to him while he was completely passed out. I came to my senses and realized he was drunk. After a long talk he admitted to secretly drinking for the previous year and hiding it from me the entire time. I had never felt so much anger,resentment,betrayal, and sadness. I gave him an ultimatum of alcohol or his family and he chose us. Thing were looking up....he was going to AA, I started trusting him again. We decided to have another baby and got pregnant immediately. Fast forward 9 months later and he relapsed tonight. I am so angry again. I have so many questions...why now? Why lie about it? Doesn't your family mean anything? He is apologetic, remorseful, and promising to go to AA tomorrow. I want him to get better, he truly is a wonderful partner and father. He is my best friend and I want so much better for him and our daughters. This is so hard to deal with especially when two young children are involved (one not even being born yet!) does anyone have any similar experiences? I don't really know what I'm looking for, a magical formula that can save our family? Only joking, I know we would all like that I guess I would just like to know if there is any hope

Katchie

Hi Syca, and welcome! Please read as many of the stickies at the top of the forum as you can...there is a ton of great info there ready to be absorbed and its so helpful.

I have 4 sons, all older, and I will be married 22 years this Friday, June 6th. I can tell you that without help alcoholism doesn't get better. It appears your partner is trying to get help, and that is a good thing. Getting help in any form doesn't guarantee he won't have a relapse. Im with a man who is 3 months sober.

My initial thought/question for you is what are you doing for yourself? You, too, need help in the form of alanon and/or a therapist. I hope you will look into that if you havent already.

Lastly, don't leave your children with him if you can help it. I know that is hard but you have to put children and their safety first always.

Syca205

I avoided al-anon the last time around for some reason. I'm not really sure why, denial I needed help maybe? But this time I do think it is important to get help because I'm so broken over this. I became physically ill tonight when I realized my worst fear came true and I think this made me realize I can't do this by myself. I just feel very vulnerable and alone. I just want to shield my sweet baby from all of this.

Katchie

BIG hugs to you! I soooo understand that feeling as so many others do on this forum too. I also understand the thought that you don't need help because you're not the alcoholic...but trust me and the countless others on this forum when we say you DO need help.

My first experience in alanon was not what I thought it would be. I thought it was a place to go and help "fix" my broken husband and our marriage...a place I could vent and talk about my alcoholic. In that first meeting, as I began to spill the woes of my A, I was interrupted and asked, "Yeah, but how are YOU?" I broke down in tears..I hadn't thought about it! Not to mention I had been stuffing my feelings for so long I had been lying to myself on many levels.

All this to say, try alanon, try many different groups and go as often as you can and need. It is said to give it at least 6 (?) tries. The same with a therapist...not all are created equal and you may need to try a couple until you find the one that best fits your needs.

I understand feeling ill with all that you have on your shoulders. I have felt that too. This stress can be so bad for your health. Please take care of you...hugs

dandylion

Syca--I sure can understand why you would feel soo overwhelmed, right now. I echo Katchie's words to focus on yourself--so, that no matter what happens--you little one will come into a world that is free of chaos and filled with lots of love.

Gather all your support and peeps around you!! You can do this..like so many other women before you..and you can have a happy birth. also.

dandylion

unsureoffuture

Hi and welcome!!
I understand how you feel. You are unfortunately experiencing the "roller coaster" of living with someone who has an addiction to alcohol. Things are good, he's attending AA and the wham relapse. At least he is honest with you and seeking help. I have begged my AH for years to get help when I found him hiding it. He has yet to attend an AA meeting. The fact that he recognizes he has a problem and is willing to seek help shows great promise.

However, you also need help. Alanon would be a great resource for you. It teaches you how to live with an alcoholic whether he is drinking or not. It offers great coping mechanisms and support from people who have been right where you are. It is not for the A, it is solely for you. This message board is also a great support. Feel free to post anytime and educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism. Hugs and best of luck to you.

honeypig

Please do look into Alanon. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

About 5-1/2 years ago, I discovered that my husband had been secretly drinking, for years. I carried on, made a stink, and eventually he agreed to go to AA. He "went to meetings" for 4 years, during which time I did nothing for myself. After all, he was the one w/the problem, right? I was the good partner, the one who held things together. So the time passed by, and while I never saw him drink or saw him definitely drunk, things didn't seem right.

In January of 2013, I found money missing from our savings account and, long story short, he had been drinking that whole time and only pretending to go to meetings when he left the house. My world caved in. I fled to Alanon on a Sunday night when he was drinking heavily (once he knew that I knew, he made no effort to hide it and just drank as much as he liked). As I almost ran thru the living room w/my coat on, he asked "where are you going?" I said the exact same words that you used--"I can't do this alone." I drove to a beginner's meeting, cried thru that, said as you did "I feel so alone", and then went on to the main meeting afterwards to cry more yet. The wonderful people of Alanon took it from there, offering to meet me at other meetings so I wouldn't have to go in alone, giving me Alanon literature and in general just being so supportive and loving I couldn't believe it.

I wished so much that I'd taken myself to Alanon way back when I first found out about the problems w/my hub. I'd have been so much further along in my own recovery and so much better prepared to handle what happened. Yes, he is the A, but I certainly made my own contributions to the sickness in our household and in my own life, and the only one who can change that part of it is me. Thanks to Alanon and SR, I'm feeling and doing much better these days, w/a whole new attitude and a ton of gratitude!

Again, I hope you do check out Alanon. I wish you strength and clarity as you begin your journey.