Refiner

First off, CONGRATS for putting your family first!

And about this statement about the pills:

Would those things not have been getting done if not for the pills? Or was it like the pills just made you not think about doing them? I hope you get into a good therapy that will assist you in your personal journey to learn why you think you needed them and how to cope in your sober future. Stay strong.

Mamahawk

It would have gotten done, just maybe not as fast. I never could let my house go...or not cook.

iSPAZ

Mamahawk - I am sure your family loves you and wants you to be happy and healthy. I have been in the rooms of Al-anon, AA and NA. There are so many tools and programs that help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, AVART, SMART recovery or just seeing a therapist are all things I would investigate. The face to face support of a 12 step program that surrounds you with people who have battled and are battling a similar problem is in my opinion the best. Plus it is virtually free. I would give a warning to make sure you protect yourself somewhat and make sure to stick with healthy sponsorship of the same sex. I have seen many recovering addict attempt and often succeed at thirteenth stepping newcomers looking for acceptance. If you don't like a group after you have tried it for a while go find another one. Being totally honest with your family is of paramount importance. The dishonestly that goes along with the hiding or shame of addiction is hard to get past for the family. My mother is a recovering alcoholic and pill addict and is about 9months clean but has a 40+ year history of abusing. ICU many times, doctor shopping, the whole nine yards. Just a few days ago she was slurring her speech while she was babysitting my daughters son and my daughter ask me to check on her to see if she was on something. It turned out her blood sugar was low. My mom was offended that with 9months clean that she would be confronted and said it made her feel small. I told her my intention was not to make her feel small but to assure my grandson was safe. She talked to her sponsor who I was told said it was none of my business. I will have to disagree but did not take it personally. If a child is potentially in danger I AM going to respond PERIOD. I felt bad that Mom was upset but I do not regret checking up on her. I don't know if there is a time limit or if ever the trust is completely there. Try not to worry about what others are thinking and just do the right things and most thing will fall into place. Do not give up on yourself. Learn to be very vigilant in recognizing your feelings and use every resource available to work through your emotions. Be honest with your doctors regarding the addictions. If you have a pill pushing doctor find one that is not. Your family loves you or they would not want you to seek help. Admission of the problem is a huge step and with an honest effort towards recovery my guess is in a few years you will look back and wished you had embarked on your journey sooner. Congrats on 18 days now and I hope you find the support you need and deserve. Feed the Good Wolf!

fedup3

Mamahawk, I see you've been on SR on the other side, that's good and they have given you great advise and support. You're doing awesome, you can do this!

Mamahawk

ISpaz...I did the honesty thing. I had to. The other times I would try to stop I would leave out one or two things when I came clean so i would immediately fall back into my pattern of lying. I realized finally I could never NEVER get well as ling as I had secrets from my husband. I told him I needed to come clean. And I sat down and bared my soul. Now I have a freedom I have never had. No secrets. Oh gosh knowing every single day I don't have to worry what will come up, because I have told all. It is the only way. Secrets keep us sick. They eat at us. I am trying so hard to do everything right. I will do anything. This is my last chance to save my family. I just want to understand how they feel. It's all been about me me me...I want to stop being so selfish. They have feelings to. They have suffered to. I had this ideal in my head that because I cooked and cleaned and homeschooled and took vacations that I was a good mom and wife. I now know the damage I've done. My 16 year old told me when I was leaving that day he was trying his hardest to pretend like he didn't care. That cuts me like a knife. That I made that precious boy feel that way. It's hard. I want to make it up to them. I know I can by getting well.

Ispaz it was every bit your business to protect your grandchild. As addicts, being questioned is a price we have to pay.

hopeful4

It's good you have the freedom of telling the truth. Those lies hurt your family more than the addiction itself sometimes.

XXX

Mamahawk

My dad died in 2012 and hadn't spoke to me in 8 months so I know how final the ending can be when you are an addict.

Katchie

Mamahawk,

My husband has been an alcoholic for 10+ years. He too has been emotionally unavailable, here but not here, for years. He's put our children in jeopardy by driving them under the influence. Our marriage was close to the end; our children, now teens, had had enough and wanted nothing to do with him. The good news is that seems to be on the course of reversal. He has done some similar things as you as part of his recovery. He attends a mens weekly bible study that lasts several hours twice a week. I wish he would continue AA but that isn't my decision. He has been transparent with all of us and family friends and that has been what is helping us to as a family to begin to heal. Things are not perfect, he is not perfect tho maintaining sobriety for 3 months now. We don't expect a perfect person, just a husband/father who is not under the influence and checking out of the family daily.

You sound like you are on a good path. I am glad your family is still with you. It will be a long battle but I truly believe you and my husband can do it. Surround yourself with people that will be positive and supportive. Reach out when you need to by being transparent with your feelings to your spouse. Getting it, your thoughts, fears and feelings off your chest will be healing to you. You may want to reach out to Celebrate Recovery and/or AA/addiction counselor for the extra support from those who have walked in your shoes -- they understand what we family members cannot always get.

I applaud your efforts and pray for your continued healing personally and within your family. The first, and possibly biggest battle, may have been your admittance of the problem. Give it time and be patient with your family and yourself. It wasn't overnight this happened to you and your loved ones and it won't be overnight to heal.

HopefulinFLA

MamaHawk,

Good for you! You really are ahead of the curve right now. Being honest, recognizing the freedom honesty allows, and realizing that this your family's trust can't be earned overnight.

As for how long you should continue your "house arrest"? IMHO, only as long as you feel you really need it. There comes a time when you must do this on your own as true recovery comes from within, not by being policed by others. You may hear others speak from time to time about staying on one's own side of the street which means that you are responsible for your recovery process as I am responsible for mine, neither of us needs to be knee deep in the other's program.

I think you've received a lot of great advice here. Getting professional therapy would be wonderful for you, but also attending group meetings such as NA or Smart etc are so helpful because of the peer support you'll find from people who have been there and still are there. Nothing beats that!

With some hard work and continued honesty, I'm sure your family will come to trust you again. It takes time though, and it must be earned. I'm so glad to hear you still have them in your life!

Your husband and boys might benefit from Alanon and Alateen too. I know Alanon and SR have lifesavers for me dealing with my alcoholic husband.

Come post here anytime you'd like MamaHawk, we're always here to listen and help.

All the best to you. Stay strong, you can beat this!

Mamahawk

Thank you all for your responses. I have never once exited what this was like for them. It is really opening my eyes to the damage I have done. I know I won't be on "house arrest" forever. I needed it for the first two weeks. It was the only way to break out of where I was mentally. At this point, It's more for them than it is for me. I feel like I could go on my own and handle it. I will do whatever they want me to for however long. It's been a breathe of fresh air for them knowing I am here and not leaving alone and don't have money. I just realized I accidentally posted this on the alcoholic forum. I'm sorry about that. I hope y'all don't mind. I just want to really do this right and to do that I have to explore their side of it. I appreciate your help.

FireSprite

Mama, you've gotten great advice in this thread & I agree with all of it but I don't want to continually repeat the same points. Transparency, honesty, accountability - all so important.

It doesn't matter that you posted here vs the F&F Substance Abuse forum, we aren't bothered. I would invite you to continue reading though, in both forums & all around SR. You will likely find a LOT that resonates with you & opens your perception to what life has been like for your family members during all of these years and I'm sure it won't all be easy to read. I know that I gain a tremendous amount of understanding about what my RAH goes through that he can't always articulate just from reading the Alcoholism forum. Sometimes it helps me find a bridge to help us to better communicate whatever issues we are dealing with.

Congrats on your sobriety, keep up the great work!

hopeful4

One thing that my Xhusband did for a while that was really helpful to me was that he would reassure me a lot. He would say, "I can see this situation causes you anxiety so I want to reassure you I am not relapsing today. I am fine, I am where I am supposto be and will call you an extra time." While he did eventually relapse, I can honestly say that when he was sober and took the time to see that I was freaking out and realized what he could do to help me, it really did help me. And of course, when I was in a better state of mind, I was a better person and parent all around.

As I said, he did relapse and we are divorcing. However, he was not committed like you are. It is wonderful to hear your commitment to yourself and your family.

FYI....my X is addicted to alcohol and pills, I post in both forums. Addiction is addiction, it does not really matter to what.

Tight Hugs, you are doing great!

Pia

Welcome and I won't repeat the great advice everyone has given you. I just would like to add to start journaling your feelings and emotions everyday and to be honest.

I really appreciate your honesty and actions you have put in place yourself. That really made my heart rejoice for you.

Mamahawk

Hubby took me for haircut and got my eyebrows waxed. I almost look like the girl before all this! I am sitting here all done up! Feels good. I know it's good for them to see me like this. They said I'm happier than they have seen me in a ling time even with how hard WD was! I cold turkeyed. Just quit a 20 year habit! Now that I am clean I can clearly see what was happening to me and how AWFUL it was! I'm going to do this! Thank you all for your support and helping me understand what I can do for my family.

Mamahawk

“Winning here is a conscious decision. Make up your mind whether you want to pass — or choose to fail.” … “Just prove to your bodies through your mind that you can push yourself further than you thought possible.” … “Whatever you have to do — just find an excuse to win. Keep going.”

I heard this today in a movie...you might like to share it with someone.
It is so very true!

HopefulinFLA

This something that can apply to anyone for any reason. Nice! What movie?

Mamahawk

Lone Survivor...about navy seals.

Mamahawk

Refiner, I read your question again and you hit the nail on the head. The pills did make me not think about doing them! Without the pills I had to consciously force myself to get stuff done. This is a revelation for me! I am going to write this down and expire it in therapy.

Refiner

That's cool, and I can see how that works. It makes the chores not as much seeming as boring, tedius CHORES.

unsureoffuture

You sound like you have hit your bottom and you are ready to change. Have you visited your doctor or any sort of treatment program? Narcotics anonymous?. Pill addiction is so prevalent nowadays. There are resouces out there for you. I wish you and your family the best wishes for your recovery. It sounds like you have a good support system in them if they have stuck in there this long. Take things one day at a time.