scrapiron

ok let me break this down we met in 2002 she was 22 stunning amazing long brown hair and beautifull eyes i was 29,everything i liked she liked she told me quite early on that she loved me bassically she put me on a pedastool and worshiped me, i was flattered no women had ever made me feel like her,then after about 6 mnths she tells me she has a son and he's in care(abandonment and "minor drug taking????)OK. so i decide to stick around and help her as she doesnt really have any family that she gets on with as her mum who is an"alcoholic" moved away!! i'll get to her later she plays a big part in my partners life or i think ex partner im not quite sure?anyway we work together and get her son out of care all the while the drunken mother who is a nasty spitefull drunk was constantly putting nicola down "your never do it, your your never change, your stay the same and so on, but we make it and now have a 18mnth old boy who i grew to love like my own son "he calls me dad"

anyway at this point we're still living apart, she gets a flat in a seaside town RIGHT NEXT TO HER MOTHER..!!!so im commuting back and forth in the week staying weekends but am constantly being hassled in the week with phonecalls and abuse down the phone to come down every day ,sometimes she does'nt answer the phone for days i'll turn up there and find lots of empty beer cans and bottles of whine hiding in kitchen units she said she just had some people over in the week and was ment to take them out but forgot, i cant prove it! so forward two years and we have our first son and get a nice flat back in london im working self employed and earning really good money everythings great start coming home from work early and she gets oldest boy from school, by 3.30 shes pouring her first glass of whine by 6.30 shes quite drunk i start to have concerns we talk she promises she will wait untill kids are in bed before having a drink so we carry on as normal im working later and not getting home some nights 6.30 7.00 pm shes quite intoxicated and becoming nasty this goes on for some time im constantly telling her to keep it down your wake the kids up i tell her if this carries on im leaving she agrees to calm the drinking down AGAIN!! its ok for a while but not great im having to come home from work some days"this is not good"shes feeling depressed and cutting herself and drinking again she then tells me shes pregnant...and your drinking!!

so we have a long and meaningfull chat "again" she agrees to stop drinking because of the baby i tell her she might need to get some help she freaks out and tells me shes fine it'll be ok! anyway she drank through the whole preganancy things just got worse i have three children now and a partner who cant stop drinking and arguing i have to get up through the night to see to kids and a baby then go to work i believe shes not drinking in the day anyway the final straw came when i came home from work early one day in the morning to find she was out,when she got in at about 1pm she was drunk with the two youngest boys in the car and it had been crashed she also had a bag of largers i went to childrens services with the kids, she turned up there screaming abuse at social workers i was told we could not go back to the house with her so i had to move back to my mothers with them she was all alone in a house without us hopefully this will be the kick up the backside she needs anyway she ends up going out a lot getting drunk doing drugs staying in hotels(WITH MEN) i find comdom wrappers outside bedroom windows she's constantly dropping my calls and can hear men in the background shes just laughs at me all the time, when i confront her about the comdoms she tells me she dont know how they got there?

the place is looking a mess things have gone missing i find 18yr old boys there drinking this is really upsetting for me im loosing weight not sleeping not working anymore im going out at all hours of the morning looking for her only to find her not there her phone is off all the time,where is she why dosent she want to speak to us whats happening to our family and this women i love so much, i just want her back and to help her.so anyway i eventually get a place of my own through the local council as i cant work at the moment she lost the house she was living in and everything in it shes was living on the streets more or less dossing here and there and anywhere and anyone that would have her,so in 2009 i get a knock on the door whos standind there? nicola ,she looks so ill,withdrawn black sunken eyes skin is in terrible condition and bruises all over, i know i should of sent her away but she started crying and saying she made a terrible mistake and she wants her family back please help me, so i invite her in,things start looking up i couldnt belive it was i getting this women back who i loved unconditionally but shes coming and going alot and wont tell me where shes staying? and is quite secrative i keep asking if theres another man she says there isnt there just friends but im not aloud to meet them..why!

shes staying alot now working with social workers and self help groups and having therapy everything is looking up again we had a nice christmas everyones happy no drinking i get a move to a nicer area better schools for the boys and nicer house nicola comes with us its like we're a family again she then tells me shes pregnant again this time its a little girl we're both really happy 3boys 1girl i hope it stays like this i love this women so much all is going great then half way through the pregnancy she starts dissapearing in the night shes relapsed again i cant effing take this effing s##t anymore its all going wrong again childrens services get involved "AGAIN"! so anyway because shes pregnant she gets her own flat 20mins drive away from me, i constantly go to her flat to check on her and again shes drinking through the pregnancy sometimes shes not there why does she have to go off and drink with all these druggies and drunks why cant she stay at home this is killing me shes carrying my child and abusing her self she started laughing at me again i call her she answers i hear men down the phone i ask her who that is? she says who? laughs,then turns the phone off for the whole night..why does she do that sh##t to me i love her so much

so eventually she has the baby but childrens services want to take it away so i go to court to fight for residency of my baby girl there's no way they are having her i win and get her she was born on 17th may 2012 mum went into detox on 1april 2013 then rehab and came out end of july got a job working with horses was brilliant with our little girl and became an amazing caring mother and partner she loved her little girl so much she was horse riding regular looking after her self going out with the boys doing stuff with them and me i was the happiest id been in a long time. she'd been working with a therapist and was diagnosed with bpd and physical and mental ocd the drinking was behind us untill about xmas time 2013 she started compolsively saying she has to go home every second week on a thurs this is when she gets her sick benifit why do you need to go home on that particular day i ask are you drinking again! she swears blind she's not and says call me all through the night if you want which i do she sounds ok this goes on for a couple of months with the odd not answering of the phone here and there untill just recently she started visiting her old hang outs again untill about 4wks ago she went home i dropped her off so she could have a meeting with one of her pratical helpers thats someone who helps with paying of bills and making sure she doesnt forget to do things she had this meeting on the 8th may 2014 she said come back i'll be finished for 12.00 miday i got back to hers just before she had her shoes on and what i called her big drink bag ready to go out she wouldnt let me or her own daughter into her flat to be changed or to be fed she was screaming and shouting telling me to f..k off she wasnt even drunk she told me to pick the boys up from school and come back later i went back she wasnt there...gone again! but what she did next was even worse she took our 14yr old son the next day and set up a secret meeting with he's biological father at the alcholic grandmothers house who shes constantly looking to be loved by but never gets.

anyway she stayed there in this seaside town and never came back or called not even on her daughters or youngest sons birthday 17may 22may the last i heard was that she was spotted a few times in town in clacton with the same man once on a bench once near the pier and once in a pub she aparantly has moved in with this man who is 22yrs older than her his a 55yr old alcoholic crack addict and shes now 33 shes also been arrested for theft once and taken to her mothers twice in the back of a police car early hours of the morning for domestic abuse but i dont know whos inflicting who im so worried about her saftey i know me and the kids are better off without her but i love her so much and cant help thinking of them together and as he got her on the crack just to keep her? she hasnt called or anything not even to speak to her kids for over a month evreyone has said shes going to loose her flat and hasnt renewed her sick benifit note so she wont get any money, she has to go back to hers to do that and ive been checking she hasnt gone home how is she surviving? is he enabling her ive been told it will go very wrong for her now shes like a bad penny they always turn up but i must remain strong im starting group therapy on thurs for co dependency issues i know she has treated me like a piece of s##t over the years but i still love and miss her deeply why..! anyway i know this turned into a bit of a long life story but i needed to get it out there thanks for listening.

Thinking

Glad you found us. This is a good place to vent.

There's a lot of information here that will help you. Do you have anyone who supports you? Alanon is a good place to start and given the ages of your older children, Alateen might be helpful for them.

Keep coming back here. You will find a lot of support.

fbw

Your story is heart breaking. I think you are asking why. One of the most eye opening books on addiction I have read is called " In the realm of the hungry ghost" by Gabor Mate MD. He is a medical doctor in Canada who works in Vancouver's Downtown east side as a doctor.

As for the rest. I found Alanon very helpful. I am learning best my child has one functional parent then two disfunctional. I am learning to stop obsessing over what he is doing and instead focussing on caring for myself. Addiction truly is a disease that affects every one it touches. I hope you are able to seek recovery for yourself and your children.

Wahine

Search borderline family . Com. Lots of good info there. Good luck.

AnvilheadII

take care of those kids. they NEED you now more than ever!

redatlanta

Al Anon would be a great place for you - you really need it.

Please keep in mind the safety of your children first. I'm sorry, but this woman does not need to be around these kids.

Really, she does not.

ShootingStar1

My heart goes out to you for all that pain and all that love you have given and endured. We here on SoberRecovery understand better than most what you are going through, and will be here to support you in any way we can.

I think what comes to the forefront here is that, despite your partner's inability to be present, you have stepped up for your children, and that is paramount and you deserve to be praised and supported for that.

We can't change another adult's life path; it is theirs to choose and to live, for better or for worse, but we can give our children what they need even if our partner cannot.

People often say here the three "C's" about a partner's addiction; you didn't cause it; you can't control it, and; you can't cure it.

You might want to pick up a copy of Melodie Beattie's book Co-Dependent No More. It has helped a lot of us understand how and why we find ourselves tied to someone we love dearly who is continually and definitively choosing a life of addiction.

Keep coming back, post whatever you want whenever you want, and we'll listen.

ShootingStar1

killerinstinct

Oh I am so so so sorry for you, I know exactly what you are going through its so hard..this is what you get for loving her right? The same thing happened to me, lies, deception, shady characters, disrespect.. more shady characters... blame, blame and more blame, rejection abandonment and betrayal...its never ending.. I know you don't want to hear this but its a black hole..... it doesn't matter how smart, attractive, caring, supportive, giving, how much money you have, how loving you are, how understanding and empathetic you are - you cant change them no matter how hard you try - its going to happen.

Let her go and heal your broken heart, somehow you need to pull yourself out of this mess, eventually things will get easier and you will meet someone deserving of you.. She is obviously very selfish and obviously has no love for herself.. PLEASE DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I know your sad and confused and torn but I promise you it gets easier if and when you start to let go to heal you don't need to let go of the love you have for her as from my experience you probably will always love her even when you meet someone new. Don't be hard on yourself, take your time to grieve... Its an awful thing to go through.. the stronger you get as you heal the more this will make sense to you

Katchie

Im so sorry for your pain...big hugs. The best thing you can do is put your children and their future first. Your wife has no business ever being alone with them, she's proven to be absolutely unreliable and, according to your words, has put them in danger by driving them while drunk. You'll never get over something happening to one of them because of such a scenario.

Butterfly

I am so sorry for what you have and are currently going through. Addiction is a very selfish disease the addict only thinks of themselves and their next drink/fix. It's not that she doesn't love you and the children but her priority is her addiction and although she can abstain for periods of time she isn't able to sustain it!

You said her mother was an alcoholic which would explain her inconsistency in her parenting. Due to her own negative experience of being parented she may not know how to love or demonstrate love consistently to her children and to you. Her experience of love may have been sporadic and conditional depending on her mothers addiction and periods of abstenance!! This may also be where she has learned to cope with stress or negative experiences if her mother used alcohol as a coping strategy your partner would have learned this also.

This disease is not one that is easy to understand and you may never fully understand why someone acts the way they do. I still struggle with understanding my AH left after 18 years so he could drink! Read as much information as possible on addiction but also seek your own recovery and accept all the support going so you can look after yourself and your children who you are doing your very best for and providing them with stability. Unfortunately your partner has made her choice and I am sorry but you can't change that. You can only control how you manage and how you respond to her. I know it's hard but you can't keep rescuing her when she appears at your home and she knows that she can do what ever she wants and you will pick up the pieces. Your focus and priority must be yourself and your children.

I wish you peace in your recovery keep posting here you will receive lots of support from us who are at varying stages in revovery.

LightInside

Wow! That is a heartbreaking story and I'm glad you're getting help. Truly letting go of her will probably be the hardest thing you ever make yourself do, but it will bring peace to your life and to the lives of your children. You can do it, Scrapiron. Hugs.

scrapiron

i just want to say thanks to eveyone who replied to my more or less 12yrs of hell story but believe me that was only half of it..so ive decided to do a bad things done and been through list..

1.stole tv and took it to cash converters.luckily got it back but at a price.
2.come home find her unconsious on sofa children in dirty nappies.
3.at least 30-40 hear-say stories and catch outs of activities with men.
4.stole credit cards debit cards cleared out bank accounts spent money on booze and drugs with lowlifes.
5.goes off with strangers for days at a time,turns phone off ?
6.unconsious on floors all over the house laying in own urine vomit more times than i care to remember.
7.have pics of her sent to my phone her half naked and unconsious....?
8.phone calls off rape and kidnapping can i come and get her ask where she is phone goes off.!
9.takes dog for walk comes home without it and drunk..?
10.stole car for 4 days parks on yellow lines get arrested for drink driving.
11.leaves oldest son at nursery have to leave work and get him,drunk on sofa again.
12.smashes house doors windows throws food up walls just a complete menace.
13 drunk driving with kids.
14.never bought a xmas bday presant for kids.
15.plays mind games.
16.uses my phone to talk to other man i take phone from her she shouts in back ground its him she loves not me talk to man he says she's a nightmare pass phone to her so he can tell her to clear off,she then turns to me and says she loves me really.!
17. lost count of visits to hospitals and police stations.
18.calls early hours of the morning can i pick her up 80 miles away was the furthest ever.
19. blame!! its me that makes her drink.
20.cronic compolsive lies.
oh yeah not forgetting had me thrown in police cell and nearly ruined every xmas.

reading this list back has actually made me feel sick that ive allowed this women to treat me and my children in this manner,from today it "stops"! ps has anyone else been through this kind of extreme behaviour or am i the only one...? thanks again to eveyone for there words of support.

fedup3

I'm so glad you found us but so sorry for the reason you came. We're here for you!

hopeful4

You cannot save her, make her want to be well, nothing.

You need to turn your focus to taking care of your children and yourself. While you have been abandoned time and time again, think of how that feels for the kids. I know you think of how lovely she is when she is well. The thing is, addiction is a progressive disease. She will only be well when SHE WANTS IT, and you cannot make that happen no matter how hard you try. You have to face she has underlying mental illness and may not ever be well.

I am so sorry. I too am glad you are here. If ever there were to be a group of people that can understand what you are going through, you have found us.

Please get support for you. Look at actions, not words. Someone has to advocate for the kids, and that someone is you.

God Bless!

fedup3

Please read the stickies at the top of this forum and know you are not alone.

Katchie

Scrapiron,

What a horrible list to put together. I honestly don't know what's lovable with what you've described. Your and your children are worth so much more and deserve much better. I hope you will see that very soon. You are the only one who can change the outcome of your life. Perhaps make a copy of the list you made and post it where you'll see it often as a reminder that you and the children deserve better. You are worth all the good that life has to offer.

scrapiron

i agree the list was horrible but just felt right in sharing it,it actually made me open my eye's a little,and can honestly say since talking to you guys i actually feel a whole lot better just knowing im not alone and yes she does have underlying mental health issues which when sober she was learning to deal with the funny thing is when shes in recovery like last year for a whole yeah she is the most amazing caring loving kind person who dotes on me and kids this is why i think i was strugling to let go always in hope that one day she would be fixed but im slowly for the first time since being with her coming round to the idea that the best thing for me and kids is to be away from her for good, i actually believe i can do this the real test will be when she turns up at mine as my family keep telling me "she will you wait and see" i honestly hope she does'nt so i dont have to deal with that situation..lol.anyway like i said before im starting therapy on thurs for codependency issues i hope this helps me along my journey thanks again every one.some great words of wisdom.

iSPAZ

Scapiron - Taking an inventory like your list can really help with detachment and let you see more clearly the reality of the situation. I know you love her and want her to be better. She and only she will decide when she has had enough of that lifestyle and seek help. You reaching out to this support community is a huge step for you. Please take what you like and leave the rest in any advise you may receive here. Some people are obviously more healthy in their responses than others. In my experience as we come to terms with the reality and as the addicted loved one chooses the addictions over the family the pan can be unbearable. Keep posting and if it is not enough find more support because it is out there. For me the process felt very similar to grieving the death of a loved one. I am still working through my issues and we are 1.5 years divorced and 2years split after a 20 year marriage. I wish I had gotten support earlier and I would have protected myself more especially financially. Your kids need you and it sounds by your story that you are all they will have that is stable. I went to the point of a nervous breakdown trying to fix XAW. You are a good person and deserve to be treated well.

scrapiron

thanks for your support ispas thats along time 20yrs if you dont mind me asking how long has your ex wife been a alcoholic and how is she know you guys are seperated? ps i hope life is getting better for you.

Butterfly

Try journaling it has helped me to get things out of my head and try to make sense of everything because there is too much running round in my head.