To be there...or not

Old 06-02-2014, 11:32 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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The thing is, he has massive amounts of clothes, tools, shoes, all sorts of stuff still there. He also has furniture. I don't think it will be a problem, and believe doing something like this would make things worse for my children by way of him being mad at me.

I could not care less if he is mad at me or not, but when we get along things are so much better for my girls, and that is all I really care about in life.

I know that sounds all codie, but both my therapist and my little DD's therapist agree, when we get along that is what is critically best for my children. I can see it in their actions that when we are fighting it is terrible for them. So....I don't if at all possible.

I think typing this all out has made me confirm what I said above, I will work in the yard and go inside to check on this from time to time. My kids will not be there.

Thank you all for your support and helping me figure it all out.

Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
In that circumstance, if you have already agreed on what is his stuff, I would take out a loan if I had to and hire a couple of guys to take it outside and tell him he can pick it up in the driveway. Then lock the house tight and tell him to let you know later if you missed anything.

I hired a guy to fetch stuff from AXH's house. He charged me about twice as much as it would have cost me to rent a U-haul. It was worth every penny not to have to be there again.
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Old 06-02-2014, 04:01 PM
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I have no experience in this realm but I'm wishing you good luck. My first instinct is to agree with Amy, that I would try to control the situation as much as possible as to what can stay or go. But really, even if you have fine bone China that you're worried about him taking, at the end of the day they're still just dishes. Is your life really going to be impacted by him taking stuff that you want? I think moving out any expensive or very sentimental small items like jewelry or heck even nice china and pictures is a smart move. Anything else, I would just let it play out. If it's really that important to them, let them have it. If they want to be super vindictive it's because they're sick and hurt. Alcoholism is a family disease, it doesn't surprise me that his sister is acting like a jerk too. Sorry you're going through this but I am so happy that he getting his stuff out of your home and it is yet another move in the right direction for you and your girls! Sending you big hugs, Hopeful!
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Old 06-02-2014, 04:55 PM
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I actually did the "get it or I give it away". I had an ex who wasn't in a hurry to move his stuff, he was treating my house like it was free storage. So I boxed up all his stuff, told him it would be available on my driveway on Saturday. Whatever was left would be part of my garage sale on Sunday morning. It wasn't fun, there was a lot of stuff after 6 years, including furniture. But when he realized I wasn't kidding....he managed to come get it all on Saturday.
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Old 06-02-2014, 06:50 PM
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If it were me, I'd tell his sister to stay home and I would help him. At least that way I have some control over what is being taken. I may not enjoy the process, but at least I don't have to deal with the sister.
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Old 06-02-2014, 08:27 PM
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Swallowing The Bitter Pill

Boy, a couple of answers were immediately obvious to me. Allysen hit the primary one: you want to have control over what is taken. Not being there; having a helpful Neighbor stand in for you; or you being in the Yard are all mechanisms that take you out of this desirable control mode.

Even with, say, an Items List you've provided, when a Neighbor steps in to prevent the inappropriate taking of something, you wind up being dragged in from the Yard to mediate. So, the emotions already will be cranked, and you wind up in the middle of it anyway. Especially if they've gotten a buzz on prior.

There likely will be the motive of 'punishing' you via taking things they suddenly think they're entitled to. If you don't think this will go down, you are saying they will exhibit reasonable judgement and it won't go down that way. And, that is a reasonable expectation of them just why?

Regardless of how detached you might feel about certain items, one 'gift that will keep on giving' is the residual pissed_off_ed_ness you will have to process when, despite your careful plans, items that shouldn't have been taken are taken. I think this will be like getting over hurtful words said in a drunken fight. Yah, now, items taken illegitimately are only possessions. The act of taking possessions will itself become a new wound to process.

If you can't be there, you can't be there. Your call, obviously. It might be one of those things in Life that is worse to think about in advance than to actually go through. Pre-separating his Possessions and putting them in, say, the Garage removes most of the angst and inevitable conflict of 'real time' sorting and decision making. If items are pre-separated, then having a Neighbor simply keep them out of the House, or out of certain areas of the House, becomes part of a reasonable solution.

See the Post of Recovering2 above. By being there, you take your power back.
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