Butterfly

It started last night when the emptiness & pain I feel constantly became so overwhelming I felt as though I couldn't breath. I miss my AH so much I feel so lonely so hurt and betrayed. The pain at time in unbearable and i'm not sure I can get through another day of feeling like this.

I texted him earlier about money and I stepped back onto the roller coaster and began asking questions about whether he's figured things out is he still confused about how he feels about me and wants for our future on and on and on constant questions! What difference does it make if he's in love with me he's not prepared to show it!! I didn't tell him I love him but I suppose I don't need to he knows especially as I'm asking him questions which reinforces how I feel about him. He has continued to say I deserve better than this and today is the first time I have disagreed with him because I do so why do I want him??

I have a few good days where I'm taking back some of the power by refusing to see him then I give it all back by asking if our marriage is over!! I had previously deleted all his messages as I spent hours reading and re reading them trying to interpret what he meant. Today I'm sitting reading everything that's been said today trying to interpret the tiniest bit of hope that he wants to fight his addiction to save our marriage. I know it should be me making these decisions he walked out so he could drink when he wanted but I can't. I'm scared what if I walk away and he turns everything around what if I'm not there to support him and he realises he's not in love with me or doesn't want to be with me. I know at the minute he doesn't he wants to drink but what if that changes and I've walked away and not helped him??

I know that I've walked away for my own sanity but it scares me!!

I have a few good days not that the pain and emptiness goes away but it's more manageable and I feel stronger. Today I feel as though I am falling apart and can't see a time where this situation becomes more manageable than not where I feel and believe I can get through it and come out the other side!!

I have so many questions that I know can't be answered as this disease isn't rational!!

I feel so lost, alone, scared, hurt and betrayed by him after all his false promises that I so desperately wanted to believe!! I don't feel anger much and when I do it's very short lived then I feel guilty for feeling angry!!

My heads all over the place today and I don't know which end of me is up right now and I just want to see him and tell him everything will be ok but I can't and I won't!!

ladyscribbler

If he turns everything around, which is unlikely, he will do it on his own, just as he drinks on his own now. Alcoholism is a very solitary disease and recovery is a solitary pursuit.
What can you do today to get him out of your head for a few hours?

SparkleKitty

Sometimes we have to trust that time will give us perspective and help us move forward and feel better.

You already know that you reset the clock every single time you engage with him about the State of Your Union, so it's time to start looking for ways to change your own behavior (especially since all the questions in the world aren't going to change his).

dandylion

Confused---remember.....short-term pain for long-term gain.
Nobody goes through this without feeling the astounding grief pain. You are about par for the course, right now. There will be good days and some bad days--as you are beginning to realize.... This is a transition period that you are in---it is not going to last forever. It will gradually fade away.
Grief (such as you are feeling, right now)....IS ACTUALLY THE BEGINNING OF HEALING!

Continue to practice the behaviors that help you get through the day. Keep reading the list of bad things that you have suffered and brought you to this point.
Do this: Go to a place where no one can hear or see you. Drive far out into the country if you have to. Pretend that he is there in front of you---then say every thing you want to say to him--everything!! cry, scream, curse, question God. do it until you have said it all--until you are too tired to go on. This s the same kind of thing as a "wailing wall" World wide, peoples do this as a way to deal with thee acute pain of grief and loss. IT WORKS. It helped me a lot!!!!!!!!!!!

So many of us, here, have been where you are. We are now able to assure you that this is normal and you are going to be o.k.

dandylion

Worried0810

Confused - I strongly suggest doing what dandylion recommended. I finish work very early in the morning (around 3am) so there's hardly anyone on the road. Sometimes, I think of every bad thing that he ever done and scream it out loud. I almost feel cleansed. Or get a really loud song where you can sing/scream along to it. My song of the moment is 'Call Me When You're Sober' by Evanescene It does help!

dandylion

Worried---AMEN, SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

lillamy

I'm sorry you're hurting.

This may not make sense to you but I'm going to try: I felt for the longest time like AXH held the key to my happiness. Like I couldn't possibly be happy without him. And like I couldn't possibly be happy with him as long as he was drinking. Like you said -- I had handed over power over my happiness to a person who had no business having power over anything, since he had given up power over himself to alcohol.

Then when I realized I had a better shot at being happy without him than with him, I thought someone else must be holding that key, and that I needed to find that someone else that would make me happy.

And (to switch images midstream here) it took me a long time to realize that what I was doing was basically lying in the water thinking "I'm drowning, I'm drowning, I need him -- or someone -- to save me" before I realized that I could actually swim to shore on my own.

When you've invested a lot of yourself, your love, your time, into another person, another relationship -- it's hard to let go. It's like sitting in front of a slot machine: You're worried that if you walk away now, maybe the next round would be the one where you'd win big? And that's how people keep on losing. In gambling and in love.

Someone here said to me long ago that "being uncomfortable isn't dangerous." Pain hurts, grief hurts, but it's not dangerous for you. Living with an unrecovering addict is.

dandylion

lillamy---the "Slot Machine" theory of remaining fixed in place is a verrrry good one!!!

dandylion

p.s.--it could also work the other way---like when you are boxing with a bear. The next round might be your knock-out...OR...it could also be the one where he does irrepairable damage to your ass.lmao

Butterfly

Feeling emotionally drained today. For my own sanity I have told him no face to face contact until the end of September no calling into the house when he knows I'm here and the only text contact is to be in relation to the kids that's 4 months of no contact. By leaving it up to him as to when we met up as in once he has figured things out I was in limbo constantly wondering if he was thinking about me if he was trying to figure things out! I've said that we will meet up at the end of September to see where we both are.

I'm not sure I can do it as I don't seem to be able to go more than a few days without wanting to question him but it has been a week since I last saw him and I don't feel the urge to see him. I suppose texting is easier he doesn't see me breaking down in tears!

I do this to myself the emotional heart break when I text him and when he can't or won't give me the answers I want or need. I know there are no answers his addiction is more powerful. He has now completely stopped telling me how he feels about me all I get is I don't know in relation to anything about us and our future. He's still determined to sort his drinking out by himself but by controlling it. It's never worked in the past it's not going to work now. He needs professional help and abstain from alcohol not try and control it. It controls him!!

He wants to start feeling good about himself lose weight etc yet apparently when I was with him I made him him feel good and he was happy he said this again yesterday and he has to figure out how he could walk out if he was happy and in love with me and wanted a future with me but he doesn't want a divorce doesn't know why he just can't even think about it but knows I will one day! Is this a hook to keep me hanging about did he want me to say I don't want a divorce?

He was very negative about himself yesterday calling himself names, I didn't correct him or say no your not as I usually would.

He says none of this is my fault and I deserve better than this and he just wants me to be happy and when I am feeling ok about myself I know that but most days I think well if I had been good enough, if he loved me enough and so on this wouldn't be happening!! It's so much easier to blame myself for what has happened. I guess I still find it difficult to understand why someone would walk out on their family who they claim to love so they can drink! I want to be happy but with him I want him to get help and come home. But I have to accept it's not about what I want it's about what he's prepared to do.

I need to use the next 4 months to focus on me who I am what I want out of life, why I want to be with someone who has treated me like this and why I can't seem to just let him walk away!!

Worried0810

Good for you! You're right - take these next 4 months and find yourself, and find out what you want from life. You never know - after 4 months you might decide that you don't want him in your life anymore!
It's good that he's not blaming you either, so you can concentrate on not feeling low, feel guilty etc. Just remember - soon he will realise that he walked out on the best thing that ever happened to him, and he will regret. While it's good that he is focusing on his problem, as you say, he is trying to control his drinking. This is something I've learned - they will convince themselves that they can control it and maybe they can - but only for a few weeks at most. Eventually, they'll start having more and more. If he comes back to you, I'd say either you never drink again or you can't come back.
I've heard so many broken promises of controlling it and stopping and I never saw any of it happening. It breaks your heart and your soul when they promise one thing and do another! You're addicted to the man, just I as, just as we all were! You need to go cold turkey and break your habit Trust me, there's no side effects

Butterfly

I've been there too worried the false promises about never drinking again cutting down how he can control it himself and it never worked. He could last a few weeks if he set his mind to it. Usually when he said he wouldn't drink again within a week and a half he would have talked himself round to being able to manage his drinking by himself and I could see days before when his mind was changing. It was heart breaking and soul destroying When he would drink the cycle would begin again and he would usually keep drinking into the next day. Then when he sobered up the false promises would start the periods of feeling sorry for himself where I would pick him up and put him back together again!!

That is one thing I don't miss!!!!!

dandylion

Confused---I hear you. I can remember myself, so clearly....sitting in my tears and asking myself "why, why, why?!" Playing "Purple Rain" (by Prince) over and over.
It seemed that the pain was in every nook and cranny of my being. I feared that there would be no end to it.
My grief hit like a really bad, intense storm....like a tornado that threatens the whole house. I feared for my emotional "life". Then....after I had been shaken to my very core....it cleared away, almost as rapidly.....leaving blue skies, once again. The sun came out again, and the birds were still singing. Life was worth living...and I was so relieved to have that burden of grief from around my neck....at last!!!!!!
I had to go through it, in order to get past it.

When our life is organized around someone....we miss them terribly when they are no longer there, for whatever reason. Hel*, we even miss our enemies when they are gone!!...especially, if we invested a lot of our energies into them.

Confused, one day you will be able to look back on all of this---and, you will remember the "facts" of the case---and you will remember that you were in pain---BUT---here is the good part--you won't be able to FEEL the pain!

Actually, you are progressing---probably, better that you think.

You are hurting..but, don't forget the big picture short-term pain for long-term gain.

dandylion

Hawkeye13

keep the focus on you and your kids Confused, and as Dandelion says, the only way out is through.

I am also a recovered alcoholic as well as F&FM & COA, and I can tell you from my own attempts that "moderation" pretty much never works for alcoholics.

We stop for awhile, think we've got it beat, and then the few beers start growing into many before too long. I don't think that approach is worth staking your and your children's happiness and future on.

Please be very strict about the No Contact--you do reset the clock like SK says each time and that prolongs your pain more than it needs to be
and keeps the unhealthy dance active between you and AH. I also advocate the "scream therapy" dandelion and others have suggested.

It really drains the wound and brings some peace.

queenapple

Hi Confused--
I've been married to my RAH for almost 45 years. I spent years 10-38 doing exactly what you're doing now. The first 15 years or so, it was mostly just pleading on my part to stop, couldn't he see what he was doing, yada, yada yada, in one of his ears and out the other. He'd make occasional attempts, things would be better, I'd praise him, try not to rock the boat and generally bend over backwards to make life easier and "better" for him so he'd want to stay sober.

Then, 8 years ago, he found out his liver was failing and quit cold turkey. I wasn't even in the country at the time! No begging or pleading from me, he just did it because HE wanted to. He had a liver transplant 2 years later, went to a few meetings during that time, only because he was forced to. He didn't stay with any kind of program, had what I thought was an occasional glass of wine but last month, I found out he'd been drinking again for about a year. Moderation doesn't work, just as someone else said.

No begging, pleading, being nice, trying to make him see the error of his ways or anything else this time. I asked him to move out and he did. NOW he's working a program. I don't ask him about it. I don't praise him for it. I don't know what I'll do in a year-- the amount of time I told him he had to be gone for, at minimum. He got an 11 month lease lol.

I wish I had seen where all this was going 35 years ago and taken the steps I'm taking now. It would have been hard(we have 5 kids) in the short run but much better for everyone, including my kids, in the long run.

Stick to your guns. Your questioning, begging, pleading isn't going to accomplish a thing.

Butterfly

The difference is that he walked out on me and has bought a new apartment so he can be on his own and drink! He has no idea how he feels about me anymore or whether he wants to stop drinking. Even today I've been telling him how much I want him to figure this out and come home so we can have the future together he said he wanted!!

I can't get off the roller coaster I honestly don't think il last not seeing him for 4 months I'm scared that if We don't see each other he will just accept life on his own and not even try to save our marriage. I'm scared he will start to think he's. It in love with me!!

I can go for a very short time without contacting him or seeing him not sure I can cope with 4 months

ladyscribbler

What are you doing outside of posting here to work through this? You have placed the responsibility for your happiness into the hands of an active alcoholic who has abandoned his family in order to drink without consequences. You are fixated on the things he is saying to get you off his back and ignoring the actions he has taken in order to feed his disease uninterrupted.
I'm going to gently suggest that he is not the problem here. His actions are telling you the truth even if you are getting mixed messages from his mouth. You are hanging on his words like he is God talking to you from a burning bush and not an active alcoholic talking to you from the bachelor crash pad he has chosen to inhabit.
Have you given any thought to an Alanon meeting? Having real life support in this situation will be a gamechanger for you. He is not going to lead you to a happy healthy life, even if he stops drinking and moves back home today. You do have the strength to live without him, now is the time to start digging down and find it within yourself.
Hugs and strength to you.

hopeful4

Confused, I cannot remember, do you attend meetings or go to therapy? You need to form some stability in your life so you realize you can cope without him, regardless of what decisions he makes. He may very well decide to move on and just drink. If that's the case, you will survive. I promise.

You are very codependent on him. What actions can you take the turn that focus inward, so you can function in your life regardless of his actions?

AnvilheadII

confused....you said he has done this FIVE TIMES. can i ask you why you would even WANT someone back who keeps ditching you at every opportunity? he's certainly no family man, no husband of any worth, not reliable, consistent or able to demonstrate any type of commitment.

he left.
again.
he's drinking.
he likes it that way.

said gently, you would do well with deep reflection on why you let this continue. why you look to him, who has already left you repeatedly, for your value and self worth. cuz you picked a pretty lousy validator there hon.

Katchie

Confused,

Hopeful is right, make sure you are getting to meetings and/or therapy for yourself. Let him focus on him and you focus on your healing. Who would have ever thought in the beginning of our own understandings of our issues that we each would need help?! It's the alcoholic that needs help, not us!!! We have all been so wrong in that thought. Please focus on you..value yourself above the alcoholic who creates such heartache and turmoil in your life and that of your family. Are you journaling? Have you surrounded yourself with a support system? Deep breathing exercises when you start to panic? Prayer/meditation? Massage therapy? There are so many things you can be doing to help yourself that will take your mind off of the destructive addict. HUGS!

Butterfly

I am on a waiting list for a counsellor as I can't afford a private counsellor! I am very codependent on him, I have depression and I'm a very anxious person I have been for many years. To me regardless of what he did I couldnt cope without him without him I felt and feel as though I'm nothing and at least I had him to love me!! Now I don't know who I am how to move on how to discover who I am without him. My whole life and identity has been rocked and the pain is unbearable at times. And I just want to run away!! I want to have no contact because talking to him is so painful and yet despite not having the answers I want I still continue to cause more pain


I can go for a few days of not contacting him but can never last longer than that. I feel weak and completely lost without him. I have started to reflect whether he really loved me and wanted to be with me and yes I think he did but when it reached a point where I wanted him to see a counsellor it became obvious he didn't want to stop drinking and I became someone who was standing in his way. While I think he loves me I know his words are not enough and I should be looking at his actions. but I think that as I have believed or maybe wanted to believe his words for so many years it's hard to switch off and look at his actions.

I feel as though I am falling apart and have spent another day where I can't stop crying!!

I will try the scream therapy. I have tried it at home when I'm on my own but usually one of the kids come home when I'm in the middle of it. I agree it's very therapeutic but haven't had the opportunity to say or shout everything I want to say to him.