hopeful4

You are obviously hurting very very badly. Have you checked around to all sources? Called any universities near you and ask about internship programs or any programs they know about? I know here if you cannot afford a counselor you can see an intern who is just getting ready to graduate for $5. I had to do that and I really really loved her. She was great, I would have stayed with her but she moved to an abuse shelter. I could have went there for free b/c at the abuse shelter you get free counseling if you have been VERBALLY or physically abused.

There are many places like this out there, it is just finding out about them.

Good luck and God Bless.

ps.....My friend and I were watching Pretty Little Liars (we have teenagers, what can I say)! Anyways, there was a place Hannah and her mom went to to get out anger, you purchase a stack of plates and throw them to get out frustration. My friend went to a yard sale and bought a bunch of plates for a quarter each and took them out to her back yard and let it go. She said it was great anger therapy! Might be worth trying!

Hugs XXX

AnvilheadII

even if he did NOT love you.....

you are still YOU! your mind, your thoughts, your beating heart, your next breath. while i understand you thought or you let him the "glue" that held you together, the FACT is he continually reinforced the NEGATIVE - by playing come here go away, i'm in, i'm out, i'm here, i'm not. that has put you in a constant state of upheaval, confusion, and anxiety.

for the alcoholic, drink seems to be the escape.....until it becomes the prison.
for the codependent, trying to get true healthy adult love from an inconsistent, sporadic, chaotic partner is much the same. in those moment he WAS there, you drank and drank it all in, thinking THIS is all i need.

til he took it away again. and again. and the more you told yourself HE was your cure, your fix, the farther away from being cured or fixed you got.

GIVE yourself some time and distance from him. let your mind clear. he didn't take off with any major organs, you WILL be ok!! and the only way you will EVER know that is to DO IT. to be brave and stand on your own, and see that you CAN.

fedup3

confused, have you ever made a gratitude list? The first time I did mine I was amazed at how long the list was and to this day I can always add more on to the list. We can get ourselves into such a dark tunnel that there isn't any light or positives coming in so we feel like we're being swallowed up! I've been there. Even if you can only come up with one focus on that and not on him.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone for your support I know I need to focus on myself I think I've thought oh yeah I've had a couple of positive days I can handle this. Then I contact him and all the questions come back into my head and the cycle begins again. I need to be stronger I am emotionally drained but can't sleep for questions & thoughts running round my head.

I have been off work for 6 weeks now and on the days where I feel ok I think right let's get back to work then days like this I think there is no way I could go back but maybe I should give me something else to focus on!!

dandylion

confused---there are a couple of things that will help give you immediate relief until you can see the counselor.
I do hope that you have alanon in your area of England--I know that others in England do go to alanon. If you haven't gone---please go there as swiftly as possible. You will find comfort and understanding there that cannot be expressed i n words, alone.

It is imperative that you stop fantasizing into the future--future tripping. Make every effort to stay in the PRESENT. The present day. Just like the alcoholic motto--"one day at a time". What might seem overwhelming and impossible to you for a long period of time---you can do for one day! Keep a very structured day--with something to occupy your hands or mind (or body) all during the day. You can cry while you are working or going for a walk, etc.--but just do NOT contact him.

Exercise will help to rid your body of a lot of the n egative energy--and change your brain chemistry. Walk...walk....walk....

Remember the list of bad things that happened in the relationship---read this every time y ou feel the itch to contact him.

Do the wailing wall exercise (scream therapy).

Stay in contact with other people as much as you can--face to face.

These are some things that helped me get from one day to the next.


ABOVE ALL--STOP FUTURE TRIPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DANDYLION

Hawkeye13

Maybe getting back to work would help and not give you so much time to worry about this.

Do you have any money issues or is the continued time off no problem?

I find working really helps me focus my day and keeps my mind from spiraling down into worry or depression.

Hang in there confused--it will get better really

Butterfly

Frustrated today AH has been complaining about not seeing the kids enough and how he misses them. I have said many times he's welcome here to spend time with the kids and I would go out but he never took me up on the offer until last night. So we agreed that he would give the kids their dinner and spend some time with them today (daughters only day off). I received a text message early to say he couldn't make it to night as he had a chiropractor appointment and he might be in pain afterwards so it wouldn't be the best night to spend time with the kids........I mean seriously I've heard so many excuses but that one takes me to the fair!!! He said sorry to be messing you about to which I reminded him it's not me he's messing about it's the kids!!!!!

So I thought today was the perfect opportunity to try out dandylions recommendation for scream therapy. I took my dog for a very long walk to the park and although I didn't get the opportunity to scream I did find a quiet place in the park to vent Nd boy did I vent to a tree as if it was him lol. I said so many things I wanted to say to him I cried, I shouted and I stomped up and down until I felt a release and began looking inwards initially the anger I vented to my AH I vented to myself until I released that while yes I allowed him to treat me this way for 18 years I can't beat myself up about it what I need to do is understand why I let it happen again and again, why did I desperately want to believe everything he said and promised, that this time and every time would be different and also understand my own issues of addiction to him why I don't believe I deserve better and after everything he has done I'm still focusing on him and needing him to reassure me that he's in love with me etc!!

I have a long and difficult road ahead of me and I'm sure il fall but I. Determined to keep picking myself up every time and keep going so I can heal

Thank you to everyone who has given support & advise

dandylion

confused---I am so proud that you decided to do the venting (crying;screaming) for yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Such a good way to get rid of the negative energy from your body. I have done it whenever the situation calls for it.

It is a wonderful attitude that you have to keep picking yourself up every time you "fall down". It has been said that it is not how many times you fall--it is how many times you get up! If you have ever watched a baby learning to walk--they fall dozens of times....and don't even cry. They get right up, over and over again.

You are right---you DO deserve a good life. You are entitled to that!

dandylion

Butterfly

Thanks dandylion. It really did help and while I don't have all the answers not that I would expect to yet I have lots of questions that I have to answer for me to ensure I don't allow anything like this to happen again!

I completely fell apart when he left I didn't understand I cried everyday all day he's gone nearly 3 months now and it's only since I decided no contact although yes I've broken it a few times but this is when I started to feel better. I have days where I feel like giving up and just crawling into bed but I know I don't want to feel like that I want to recover and start to feel good about me for the first time. If my AH is meant to be in my life and wants to be in my life then he has to get sober

I also have to stop listening to his word, his mixed messages and look at his actions which are clearly saying he doesn't want to stop drinking, He wants to continue to do what He wants when he wants and not have anyone watching his drinking or telling him he has a problem. He wants to associate himself with low life's, other people who drink and tell him he doesn't have a drink problem he just likes to have a drink there's nothing wrong with that never mind the fact that he walked out on his wife and kids so he could do it unrestricted but no he doesn't have a problem!!! One thing I am slowly realising is that while he continues to drink he will never feel good about himself but that's not my problem

I've been reading all I can on addiction and now I'm reading all I can on recovery. I'm reading co dependency no more and I have ordered the journey from abandonment to healing and how to break your addiction to a person. I think I will also make a list of what he says but what he actually means and keep reading it when he lies!!

dandylion

Confused--I can see that you are making a valiant effort toward helping yourself get through this. It will pay off, in the end--you will see that.
In the grieving process, all of what you have described as experiencing is considered normal. And, grief is painful--anybody who has grieved over a deep loss would have to agree.

You have selected very excellent books to read, in my opinion. You are going to learn a lot--and, I just k now that so much of it will resonate with you.

You should congratulate yourself---and make yourself a spot to tea!.....LOL!

dandylion

Butterfly

It's after midnight here think I should congratulate myself and get some sleep lol. I've to get my son up for school at 6.30am!!!!! So bed it is