katherine44

Hey! I'm new to this site and really to the whole addiction world altogether. My AH lived with an A mother for over 20 years from the time he was 8. He has similar patterns in drinking and has recently been drinking 3-4 beers and a few shots of whiskey during the day along with his normal half a bottle of whiskey and 5-6 beers at night. The drinking during the day bit started happening just recently, about 2 months ago. He has our two kids 3 days a week during the day while I go to work and has driven them around, which is what makes me the most nervous, while indulging in "just a few beers". He says he isn't addicted to alcohol, just has a drinking problem sometimes. And sometimes I really want to believe him. Am I crazy (as he always tells me I am) or should I be worried his alcoholism will continue to progress? Last week I did not let him watch our kids those days because I just can't afford the worry and guilt if something were to happen. And again he calls me the crazy one. I'm just at my wits end and sometimes I actually believe him when he says he's not an alcoholic and doesn't need rehab. How can I really know if he does need rehab or not? His mother was a black out, pass out drunk for weeks upon weeks, while he is still very functioning. I think he thinks since he isn't smashed 24/7 for weeks on end, he doesn't need rehab or any other help.

Mango blast

katherine, welcome to SR. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us!

Maybe these posts will be of some help:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...led-crazy.html which links to: On Labeling Women 'Crazy' | Harris O

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...slighting.html

Getting into rehab is a whole different story. It's a wonderful place to be if they're willing to go. We can't change them, but we can change ourselves --- and with that, everything changes.

Alanon is for us. For our own recovery. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

A "drinking problem" of this scale is alcoholism. Arguing over what it is or isn't labeled doesn't do any good, but it can be helpful for us to realize for our own peace of mind that we really aren't crazy. Alcoholism is chronic and progressive. Without sobriety and active recovery, it always gets worse over time. Education for ourselves is very necessary. Going to Alanon and reading through the stickies at the top of this forum are good places to start. Baby steps and easy does it. That's very smart of you to make other arrangements for your kids instead of having him watch them. (((hugs)))

ladyscribbler

Even when his alcoholism progresses to the point where he is blacking out for hours and days (and it will if he continues to drink) he will still not think he has a problem. My ex devolved from functioning alcoholic to daily blackout drinker in a relatively short time. He would urinate in his pants, vomit on himself, stagger around the house unable to stand up and deny to his last breath that he has a drinking problem.
You did the right thing not letting him watch your kids alone. My brother and I were left unsupervised with our alcoholic father and it was a nightmare. Good for you for staying strong and having the courage and wisdom to protect your children.
If you can, try to document his behavior- the drinking and driving, drinking while caring for the children, etc, as much as you can.
You are not crazy. He is an alcoholic and his disease is in the driver's seat. Active alcoholics are experts at blame-shifting to try to cover for their disease. He will do anything he can to protect the illusion that he is fine and to preserve his right to consume alcohol. Just remember that for every finger he points at you, there are three more pointing back at him.
Bigs hugs to you and welcome.

NYCDoglvr

Personally I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kids if he's drinking and driving. Alcoholics can't control their drinking once they pick up the first drink and it is progressive (as you've seen).

hopeful4

Please don't leave your children in his care. That is very scary.

lillamy

This is what would be the most urgent and concerning to me, too. I know I was often terrified when AXH drove the kids -- he never drank during the day, but he would drink so late at night that often, I was convinced he was still drunk by the time he got up in the morning.

While I was still married, I changed my work schedule so that I was always able to drive them to school and daycare in the morning. I also changed my schedule so that he was never alone with them. I had the luxury of being able to do that -- but I understand that might not be the case for everyone. What I had to ask myself was -- if I left them with a babysitter, and I found out that the baby sitter had been driving my children around drunk, would I leave them with her again??? I think it was very wise of you to find another solution for the kids last week -- is that something you could do permanently?

I don't know if you're crazy. But I know that pretty much everyone who's been involved with an alcoholic and pointed out to them that they've got a problem gets called crazy. So chances are you're no crazier than any one of us here.

Chances are you're pretty sane, because you're seeing that his drinking is creating problems for you. I mean, if you can't trust your husband to watch his own kids -- that's a problem, right? Whether you can slap the label "alcoholic" on the problem or not isn't all that important -- the important part is that he is drinking, and that his drinking is creating problems in your life.

When someone else's drinking is affecting your life, that's all you need to know. Call it what you want. And yes -- "functioning" is not a type of alcoholism, it's a stage of alcoholism. My ex went from jet setting across the world wheeling and dealing to losing his family, his friends, and his home. I don't even know where he is right now.

I agree that educating yourself about alcoholism, and learning how it affects your behavior when your spouse is an alcoholic, is a great place to start. You don't have to fix everything or solve every problem today -- but I would say starting with making sure the kids are taken care of by someone who's reliably sober would be the most urgent thing here, if you can.