I've gone from caring too much to not caring at all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 3
I've gone from caring too much to not caring at all.
And I'm chronically obsessing. Alcoholism consumes me. I feel like I will be responsible when one of them dies or kills someone else.....
I married the most wonderful man in the world 10 years ago. He drank too much, but it wasn't an issue (often). His parents were very active alcoholics. They were in their early 60's and had a 4 day a week rotation at local bars. His mom drank every night to the point of incoherent rambling. She hid bottles of vodka from his dad - it has to be pretty bad when you have to hide your booze from a heavy drinker....
His Dad had an abdominal aneurism and almost died a few years ago. They told him to stop smoking and drinking. He did not.
In the mean time his sister relocated back to the US with her three kids. Her husband was supposed to join her, he never came. We discovered she had been drinking heavily for a while when one of the kids called us (they were 10, 11 and 13) when he woke up and their Mom was gone. She was in detox. This was quite out of character for her (from what we knew - she had always worked and seemed like a responsible wife/mother) She was soon picked up for felony DUI (had the 10 year old in the car, wearing jeans and a bra and smashed into a gas station - over 2x the legal limit). She ends up hauling the kids away to shack up with some loser a few hours away (she had been leaving them for days at a time to go see him), he regularly beats her (most of this we find out after the fact). Her (not legally) ex husband drives from Canada and picks up the kids (thank GOD - I was at the point that I thought we would have to raise them). The ex now has beaten her to the point he is jailed and looking at prison time, she is court ordered out of his house and she goes to a shelter. My MIL and FIL go and pick her up (we are at about 18 mos ago) and she moves in with them.
FIL finds my SIL a job that involves her doing home care for the ex of some bar friend of theirs. She works 1.5 hours a day, is paid cash daily. Just enough to afford smokes and booze - this goes on for a few months. My husband comments on the situation and I snap saying he shouldn't talk since he drinks daily (3-4 beers). At that point my husband stops cold turkey until the night of my FIL funeral. He had one drink that day and now 18 mos later we do not have alcohol in our house and he MAY have 1-2 drinks a month socially. So my FIL was found dead in his bed a year ago January at 65. He had "the flu" and the autopsy made mention of this heart. I'm sure alcohol contributed. So he is dead and MIL and SIL are living together in a downward spiral of alcohol. In the interim, we move in next door (WTF were we thinking????)..... I guess to help my MIL who is beyond shell shocked. She had been with my FIL since she was 14 and frankly she is a child and incapable of doing much for herself.
Both are on anti-anxiety meds. My SIL is abuses them greatly. This goes on for almost a year, during which time my SIL continues driving, generally always drunk, she is picked up AGAIN for DUI (in her nightgown, going the wrong way on a divided highway). My MIL is constantly calling us (any call from her after about 3pm is a drunk dial) to intervene in their fighting/bickering. It all comes to a head (I don't even know when - it's become a blur) when my SIL starts getting physical with my MIL (who is about 100 pounds and 4'10") and breaks her toilet by falling in to it. I go over there and FLIP OUT. I'm pretty mouthy and generally do not get involved for fear of losing control (verbally). At any rate my SIL is so annihilated drunk she has no pants/underwear on and is walking around in a short Tshirt with all her junk hanging out blathering nonsense. Three cops show up and she's still walking around like that, oblivious. They take her to detox and she agrees to go in to treatment.
While at detox we see glimpses of "her" again - we are hopeful! She gets to the center, makes it almost all the way through the program and then she starts telling me how "mean" everyone is and they are accusing her of having sex in the bushes with another resident. Yeah, well they were right, she was visiting the bushes. She leaves treatment early and goes to "live with" him. The guy is trouble and is a life-long alcoholic that is well known in the AA circles (per my hairdresser) - they are both in their mid 40s, FYI. They proceed to flop and get kicked out of numerous places - mostly people he knows from AA. Apparently they have burned all their flop house bridges and now live in Walmart's parking lot. This is where we are today. We have pretty much FORCED the issue that she can NOT come back and live with her mother who is an active, ever worsening, raging alcoholic (after 3pm). And that is working. That situation is also a giant cluster-blank. It is like having a giant baby. I program her DVR, she gets drunk, screws it up and expects me to drop everything to go fix it so she can watch Young and the Restless.... It's a never ending cycle of little annoyances that become all consuming to her (she has massive anxiety issues).... she struggles DAILY with not allowing her daughter back in to her home. My husband is very active in all this as well, but I'm not sure he dwells on it like I do.....
I stalk this forum reading everyone's posts. It helps me to know it's not just us, but I'm not sure I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like I'm losing all my compassion......
I married the most wonderful man in the world 10 years ago. He drank too much, but it wasn't an issue (often). His parents were very active alcoholics. They were in their early 60's and had a 4 day a week rotation at local bars. His mom drank every night to the point of incoherent rambling. She hid bottles of vodka from his dad - it has to be pretty bad when you have to hide your booze from a heavy drinker....
His Dad had an abdominal aneurism and almost died a few years ago. They told him to stop smoking and drinking. He did not.
In the mean time his sister relocated back to the US with her three kids. Her husband was supposed to join her, he never came. We discovered she had been drinking heavily for a while when one of the kids called us (they were 10, 11 and 13) when he woke up and their Mom was gone. She was in detox. This was quite out of character for her (from what we knew - she had always worked and seemed like a responsible wife/mother) She was soon picked up for felony DUI (had the 10 year old in the car, wearing jeans and a bra and smashed into a gas station - over 2x the legal limit). She ends up hauling the kids away to shack up with some loser a few hours away (she had been leaving them for days at a time to go see him), he regularly beats her (most of this we find out after the fact). Her (not legally) ex husband drives from Canada and picks up the kids (thank GOD - I was at the point that I thought we would have to raise them). The ex now has beaten her to the point he is jailed and looking at prison time, she is court ordered out of his house and she goes to a shelter. My MIL and FIL go and pick her up (we are at about 18 mos ago) and she moves in with them.
FIL finds my SIL a job that involves her doing home care for the ex of some bar friend of theirs. She works 1.5 hours a day, is paid cash daily. Just enough to afford smokes and booze - this goes on for a few months. My husband comments on the situation and I snap saying he shouldn't talk since he drinks daily (3-4 beers). At that point my husband stops cold turkey until the night of my FIL funeral. He had one drink that day and now 18 mos later we do not have alcohol in our house and he MAY have 1-2 drinks a month socially. So my FIL was found dead in his bed a year ago January at 65. He had "the flu" and the autopsy made mention of this heart. I'm sure alcohol contributed. So he is dead and MIL and SIL are living together in a downward spiral of alcohol. In the interim, we move in next door (WTF were we thinking????)..... I guess to help my MIL who is beyond shell shocked. She had been with my FIL since she was 14 and frankly she is a child and incapable of doing much for herself.
Both are on anti-anxiety meds. My SIL is abuses them greatly. This goes on for almost a year, during which time my SIL continues driving, generally always drunk, she is picked up AGAIN for DUI (in her nightgown, going the wrong way on a divided highway). My MIL is constantly calling us (any call from her after about 3pm is a drunk dial) to intervene in their fighting/bickering. It all comes to a head (I don't even know when - it's become a blur) when my SIL starts getting physical with my MIL (who is about 100 pounds and 4'10") and breaks her toilet by falling in to it. I go over there and FLIP OUT. I'm pretty mouthy and generally do not get involved for fear of losing control (verbally). At any rate my SIL is so annihilated drunk she has no pants/underwear on and is walking around in a short Tshirt with all her junk hanging out blathering nonsense. Three cops show up and she's still walking around like that, oblivious. They take her to detox and she agrees to go in to treatment.
While at detox we see glimpses of "her" again - we are hopeful! She gets to the center, makes it almost all the way through the program and then she starts telling me how "mean" everyone is and they are accusing her of having sex in the bushes with another resident. Yeah, well they were right, she was visiting the bushes. She leaves treatment early and goes to "live with" him. The guy is trouble and is a life-long alcoholic that is well known in the AA circles (per my hairdresser) - they are both in their mid 40s, FYI. They proceed to flop and get kicked out of numerous places - mostly people he knows from AA. Apparently they have burned all their flop house bridges and now live in Walmart's parking lot. This is where we are today. We have pretty much FORCED the issue that she can NOT come back and live with her mother who is an active, ever worsening, raging alcoholic (after 3pm). And that is working. That situation is also a giant cluster-blank. It is like having a giant baby. I program her DVR, she gets drunk, screws it up and expects me to drop everything to go fix it so she can watch Young and the Restless.... It's a never ending cycle of little annoyances that become all consuming to her (she has massive anxiety issues).... she struggles DAILY with not allowing her daughter back in to her home. My husband is very active in all this as well, but I'm not sure he dwells on it like I do.....
I stalk this forum reading everyone's posts. It helps me to know it's not just us, but I'm not sure I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like I'm losing all my compassion......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 3
I wish! No, I don't think we can desert my MIL unfortunately. She is "OK" when she is not drinking, but I have told my husband I just can't talk to her after 4pm any longer... I am going with this (and have asked him to as well - his MO is just not to answer) - Hello, Mom? Have you been drinking?? Yes?? Is this an emergency?? No? Well then I'm going to have to ask you to call back tomorrow.....
We tend to focus on my SIL's drinking issues and I think my MIL doesn't really think she has as big of an issue as her daughter. In reality the only difference is that she isn't abusing her anxiety meds and has a house that is paid off and an income/savings....
My SIL doesn't speak to me (because I speak the truth to her, don't stand for her manipulating and my calling the cops on her didn't go over well) and my husband refuses to talk to her. We don't hear from her at all... I only knew she was at Walmart because I saw her there. I then looked for her car (neither are supposed to be driving) and saw that it was smashed (she claims she hit a deer - apparently the deer was covered in white paint). I now drive by daily to see if she is still there......
And THANK YOU for the hug! I can use it.
We tend to focus on my SIL's drinking issues and I think my MIL doesn't really think she has as big of an issue as her daughter. In reality the only difference is that she isn't abusing her anxiety meds and has a house that is paid off and an income/savings....
My SIL doesn't speak to me (because I speak the truth to her, don't stand for her manipulating and my calling the cops on her didn't go over well) and my husband refuses to talk to her. We don't hear from her at all... I only knew she was at Walmart because I saw her there. I then looked for her car (neither are supposed to be driving) and saw that it was smashed (she claims she hit a deer - apparently the deer was covered in white paint). I now drive by daily to see if she is still there......
And THANK YOU for the hug! I can use it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
No, MadSconnie, it's not just you. I think many of our lives could qualify for a reality tv show if we we were so inclined.
I'm glad you decided to post. All of that chaos has got to be wearing you down. Are you doing anything for yourself? Attending Alanon meetings or anything like that?
I'm glad you decided to post. All of that chaos has got to be wearing you down. Are you doing anything for yourself? Attending Alanon meetings or anything like that?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Madscomnie - I don't have any real advice on handling the As I your life, but man do I feel for you! You've got your hands full.
Do make sure you take exceptional care of yourself. Dealing with this kind of stress can really take it's till on you. Have you tried alanon? I was at my wits end when I started alanon and discovered SR about a year ago. It really helps!
Sending you strength, and hugs!
Do make sure you take exceptional care of yourself. Dealing with this kind of stress can really take it's till on you. Have you tried alanon? I was at my wits end when I started alanon and discovered SR about a year ago. It really helps!
Sending you strength, and hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 3
Thanks everyone. I haven't gone yet, but I've also been stalking the Alanon site/schedule. I think it's just getting up the nerve to go.... I'm not convinced that my husband doesn't dwell on his sister and what is going on there. Then again, he is a really sensitive, loving guy and I really thought his Dad passing away would have really impacted him, but while I know he loved his Dad, I think he accepted it as a result of his lifestyle and resolved not to let that happen to him. He is just very matter of fact about it (it's been about 18 months).
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