Raider

Do you really think that is a strong taboo in today's world? Respectfully, I do not. I don't know where you live, but in the world I see around me, there is not much considered taboo. What can you not find on TV? Movies? Fb? Internet? This world knows no bounds anymore. I'm not following......

silkspin

lillamy, I get what you're saying. The booze was definitely talking, although both me and my sister are what many have over the years called 'hot'. To be honest, for the better part of my teen-hood, I felt like my sister was always the better looking one, but we are easy on the eyes, slender, fit. But she has been ill lately, and with the financial troubles there has for sure been a strain on their marriage. For god sakes, I watched their kids in the early evening yesterday because they went on a date night!

anykeys, because of my husband's drinking issues and my sister's health, we are all low drinkers. BIL has a beer to watch hockey, she and I have some wine occasionally, and hubby is in recovery. It's the odd time here and there that any of us may imbibe a bit too much. He doesn't have a problem, although the booze did allow him to make that mistake last night.

After I told my sister, it felt like a weight came off. My emotionality came from realizing that I had to face reality and tell her. Now that I did it, I feel better, still angry and a bit shocked, and generally sad that this has happened, but I understand that this isn't my pile of sh\t. I offloaded it and now things will run their course.

In any case, she texted me that she said he apologized to my and my husband, he knew he acted like an idiot and she said he is gone from the house. We will talk after the kids are in bed so at this point I'm not sure how things will unfold.

I called my sponsor and she said it sucks that I was put into this situation, but now I must deal with only my own feelings, and the rest is for my sister to deal with. I will have to support her through this difficult situation. Thanks everyone for your support. This is the beauty of a place like this - someone will listen anytime.

dandylion

Dear Raider---I live in northern virginia--right outside of Wash. D.C.--about 5 miles from Dulles International Airport. I was born in the deep mountains of West Virginia. I lived there until school age and became 1/2 country mouse and 1/2 city mouse. LOL!

I have been around the world--high and low. LOL.

When I said CLOSE to taboo--I was making a reference to incest. Technically--a sister and brother-in-law is not actually that, because DNA is not involved---but it is very close, intimate family ties--that makes it very uncomfortable for most people. In other words it arouses more negative feelings than if he had made a pass at the wife of a neighbor down the street or the cute girl at the Quickie Mart.

I believe that incest is taboo in most cultures of the world.

I share your horror of much that I see in the current media, also. But just because it is seen on t.v. does not mean that it is approved by the mass population.

dandylion

P.S.--Just wait till Hammer gets a load of this discussion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL.

silkspin

I agree. It was a lot easier to deal with when the friend of hubby hit on me (and when I say hit on, that's putting it mildly) so many years ago. It wasn't hard to say he was a dick, and go on with our lives.

This obviously comes with additional complications. It's hard on me that he crossed the line. Over the years, we've all hung out, we got along, and took care of each other when needed. This is hard to swallow.

hopeful4

You did the right thing.

Mango blast

I'm so very proud of you, and your sister, for being able to deal with this and not burying it. Prayers for both of you and your families. It does suck that BIL put you in this situation! You and your sponsor show a lot of wisdom.

Missus

You did the right thing. It wasn't your shame to carry, you did nothing wrong but had you not told your sister, the secret you held *for someone else* would have eaten at you and your relationship with someone you love.

silkspin

And here I always thought that it would be my husband's drinking problem that would cause some sort of crisis. He was also shaken by this. That very evening he was feeling vulnerable, and it just reinforced to him how booze, even for people without a drinking problem, can cause terrible things to happen. It takes just that one time for people's lives to change, and I think it gave him a jolt that the thing his body craves is just a load of crap. He called his sponsor yesterday too. And the funny thing? His problem led us to find unconditional support and listening in AA and Al Anon, and it was the very thing that helped us through the crisis yesterday. Funny how the world works.

NYCDoglvr

Just take this as a learning experience of what alcohol can do. He probably wouldn't have dreamed of saying anything without a good deal of booze in him. Remember, nothing happened, you've done nothing wrong. Write it off to another bad drinking experience because that's what it is.

PippiLngstockng

Well, my FIL used to hit on me and sometimes in front of my ah and his wife. I just got away from him as soon as possible. When it first happened I was upset and told my ah to do something - stand up to his father. Ah never stands up to his parents. You'd think he was still a kid.

My FIL was drunk. I didn't realize I had married into an alcoholic family until ages later. But I knew not to take his behavior towards me seriously. Disgusting. I played the nice DIL through my marriage, but FIL did lots of things that were problematic - threw DS across the room once when he was 5, drunk driving with us in the car, etc.

When I separated from ah, FIL went into a fury and gave his son a pile of money and advice for how to hurt me financially and through the court system.

One of the posters said you shouldn't be drinking with BIL. I agree. I also wouldnt get too worked up about drunk behavior. I would support your sister, who may be in a bad marriage with an unreliable, untrustworthy alcoholic. Does she go to Al Anon? Could you go with her? I would turn my attention on your sister and not on the BIL at all.

Recovering2

You did say when you got home to your husband you were a "drunk and crying mess". Sounds like everyone had a bit too much that evening. People will do stupid stuff when they drink. I wouldn't make this earth shattering. You didn't respond to his drunken pass. You spoke to your sister. So you've taken your power back. I would move forward and not look back on this episode.

silkspin

Pippil, it's my hubby who goes to AA, and me to Al Anon. BIL is not an alcoholic. My husband struggles with it, so believe me I would know. But it did cause an issue for him that night. I was drinking (actually rare for me) but not that drunk to lose my faculties the way he seemed to. I was there the whole evening - I couldn't even imagine he would be that far gone, but I suppose sometimes it's just enough to lower inhibitions.

Over the many years we've all known each other, I've never even had an inkling from him. It's not like there's some history of even innocent flirting or anything where I could say sure, I could see it coming. He's not the type to hide things, a shoot from the hip kind of guy. I'm truly not sure where this came from other than suspecting the booze coupled with their recent issues over my sister's chronic illness and their financial troubles. In that moment, I could have looked like a healthy and 'better' version of her. Indeed, just that few days leading up to that night, I was riding a high - I've started a business and some really terrific things had just happened that I was telling them that evening. Given that things have kind of sucked for them lately, he may have been responding to that energy. It doesn't really matter though, now, does it.

Regardless, she isn't making any rash decisions because of the kids, but he is currently out of the house with relatives and will be for the next few weeks. They have made a counselling appointment too. She is going to take it day by day, and hasn't yet decided what she will do. I will not judge her for any decision, and although through my program I know I can forgive and move on, things will still have changed forever. Right now I'm not comfortable with him; who knows if I'll ever be, but because of the kids, contact with be inevitable. Thankfully there are no upcoming family gatherings, but we'll cross those bridges when we come to them.

Kris47

Seems to me if he's not an alcoholic , he has some problems when he does drink.

Katsmeeyow

This is pretty common especially when booze is involved. It's happened to me too before. I'm glad you told your sister. I think the booze got to him. Move on now - it's really not the huge deal you're making it out to be. I mean, it sucks, don't get me wrong! But it just shows another problem that booze creates. Sounds like BIL should watch his booze intake as well.

Good luck to you. I feel for your sister the most. That's no fun to hear about.

RevivingOphelia

You breezily excuse this man's unethical behaviour as a byproduct of his hardwired manhood while managing to chastise the OP on what she did wrong, and then direct her as to what she should do in the future to not put herself in these situations. Oh, and women should be FLATTERED whenever we are the recipients of male attention, even if it is unwanted and unethical.

Really??


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Silkspin--I'm glad you told the truth about what happened to your sister. I am sure this isn't the first time this guy has acted in such a sleazeball manner, and she should know in order to figure out how she wishes to proceed.

silkspin

Thanks Reviving and you are right. I wasn't flattered, more flabbergasted! And although the booze was undoubtedly a factor, it cannot excuse his behaviour. I've been drunk plenty of times in my life, yet I never cheated for example. The booze can't make me do something that's not part of my value system. Could be different for others, stuff like that happens, but I tend to think his issue overspilled but must have already been present.

leviathan

WHOA. YEAH! -good one.