BlueChair

If you read this example, the husband has already been drinking BEFORE she enters the picture. She cant stop him from drinking unless she tears the can out of his hand and this will only make him angry no doubt and then drink more. Instead she implements a negative consequence; she is not going to spend time with him tonight, but offers an incentive tomorrow they will go out IF he is not drinking. With CRAFT you look at the big picture. Over time the goal is he realizes the drinking is interfering with positive activities and the relationship with his wife. If he cant stop drinking on his own, then he will come to the conclusion he needs help and will seek treatment with her support.

This method works over time and about 70% of people who use the program are able to encourage their SO to get needed treatment. Where the disease is stopped from progressing and recovery can happen. Plus about the same percentage respond they are happier in their own lives using this method regardless if their SO gets treatment or not. They have a new more positive attitude and tend to their own self care.

This is only one example but thank SoloMio for sharing.

Something like this only works I think when the spouse's have a relationship where they enjoy spending time together, and being together is positive incentive for change. With CRAFT you have to do actual work almost like motivational interviewing where you map things out. This is the part Ive found fascinating and have spent probably too much time on, but no regrets.

Refiner

Thanks, BC. That certainly helps define the method a bit more. It will totally depend on the relationship (if it's damaged beyond repair or has not been in a good place all along) and whether or not the drinking spouse truly does care about their SO or not.

Needabreak

Refiner, I don't think it's accurate to imply that a drinking spouse who truly cares about their SO is more likely to recover than a drinking spouse who doesn't care about their SO.

By saying this, you're implying that those of us whose SOs didn't choose recovery are still drinking because they didn't care about us. I have a problem with this logic.

I don't believe they can control their drinking in any way. Oh sure, for a day or two they can. But over a month or two, if they are alcoholics, they will start up again.

SoloMio

You explained that so clearly, BlueChair--thank you.

Certainly a lot depends upon the existing relationship and the degree of progression. No matter how far along the addiction is, one can still implement the CRAFT strategy. And you still have to accept the result whether it's positive or negative. But it helps to be able to step back. Two people embroiled in a power struggle is one person too many. If you can just let it go, you're better off.

Last year I posted about an angry outburst AH had regarding the fact that I bought a jalapeno plant (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ase-study.html)

We just had another "event" about planting tomatoes. Obviously, the garden is the last bastion of power that he has, seeing he has lost every other. Yesterday, I was simply helping him straighten out the weed membrane, and he freaked out. And he hasn't spoken to me for two days now because supposedly I've taken everything away from him. He accused me of stealing the MiracleGro (which I didn't, but I'd like to, because he's burned several plants to death by overfertilizing them).

I try to see that he's in pain, and so I use empathetic language, and I pick my battles (OK, he can have the garden this year).

Interesting how a power struggle is played out in such a thing as a tomato plant. But it's an opportunity to practice detachment and understanding.

I do understand how he's grasping for something in his life right now. And I feel for him. But at the same time, I can't wait to get to work tomorrow to be among adults.

ETA:
When AH is sober, I truly love being with him. Just for the record.

Refiner

I don't agree but need to probably further add that a spouse that does truly care about the emotional well being of their spouse and enjoys being with their spouse (while non-intoxicated) are probably the only ones to benefit from the CRAFT method working for them as an added incentive to stop drinking.

Refiner

But does he with you? (When he's so sober) that's what I meant. Perhaps some spouses would rather drink than SPEND time with their spouses. I'm not trying to pick on your relationship, just trying to understand the dynamics of why CRAFT is only suited for special situations.

Needabreak

I think most if not ALL people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs would rather spend time drinking or using than being with their spouses!

SoloMio

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. When life is simple, and he is not drinking for whatever reason and we're watching Jeopardy together and we have dessert, and when he wakes up his face looks brighter and his eyes are clearer, he will say he feels great.

Sometimes we are going to a friend's house and I can see in his face that all he's thinking about is how he's going to get a drink, and then I could be anyone--a taxi driver or me or a hot model and it wouldn't matter, unless one of us were offering him a pint of vodka.

CRAFT is really suited for either of those situations.

Maybe you're asking, if he's always just looking past me to get to the alcohol, how sustainable is that, and the answer is.. depends. That's a person's decision at any given point in time. But compassion and understanding is never a wasted effort, even if in the end, the compassionate thing to do is to let the relationship die a natural death.

Refiner

You are so right. There are SO many facets when it comes to the "why's" of addiction, where does it fit into a relationship, and how best to address it for each and every individual.

BlueChair

Your welcome. Im enjoying the book and the methods, very excited to learn more. The tomato garden had me laughing but Im sure it wasnt funny for you. Maybe start an herb garden in pots and then your garden can compliment his garden when its harvested (sorry there were no pictures of herbs)

SoloMio

Wow! That's so weird.. My love is planting herbs in pots, and I bought a bunch today--parsley (curly and flat), basil, thyme, rosemary, dill, cilantro.. maybe his tomato and my basil can get together someday...

cleaninLI

I could see this technique working with me. I'm the addict in my family. When My family found out I was using again, they pretty much ignored me. For awhile it didn't bother me because I could do whatever I wanted. But after awhile it got old....they were out doing fun things together...enjoying a close relationship and I was all alone. I felt left out I missed being with them and having fun together. I missed my importance within my family. Now that I'm in recovery, I see we are getting closer and it feels good. It's a huge incentive to remain in recovery.

LifeRecovery

I know very little about CRAFT. I am not longer living with an alcoholic either.

For me a statement like this with a change in tone, expression from the begging and pleading I did previously would have been a huge step forward. It would have been a way I was speaking my truth, without lumping the addiction as the cause of all the problems.

However for me it would have also been a sign of healthy detachment, because it would have forced me to take a step back and not react to the addiction, but to sit with MY feelings that came up and go forward from there.

For me, that it what detachment is. For me detachment is having my own voice be part of the discussion.

I think I might be missing a piece of this, please enlighten me.

BlueChair

Thanks Clean. One of the things Ive been going so slow on reading the book is because there are so many things to think about. One of the sections is on picking a destination. What you want to accomplish, and it asks you to:

describe activities you used to enjoy with you SO but no longer do together:
1. take evening walks, 2. visit family together, 3. go to church

describe activities your SO does that you would like him to stop doing:
1. Pour a drink the moment he walks in the house
2. lie about where hes been when coming home late
3. make fun of me when I ask him not to drink

Activities your SO currently does that you would like him to do more often:
1. watch movies with me when sober
2. spend time with our neighbors who do not drink
3. help me with yard work

Activities you and your SO have not done in the past that you would like to do:
1. take up a sport like tennis together
2. WORK IN THE GARDEN TOGETHER
3. go to the symphony

It would take me a long time to get into all of it, but it asks us to define these specific activities, and behaviors and then set goals. make a road map how to get there.

All of these goals mentioned above require change by both people. positive change. By ignoring you, and basically detaching he removed many opportunities for change and growth, and potential quality time for your family.

Mio this year your herbs will be planted separate from your husbands, but hopefully you will both see the benefits of working together when you combine your harvest and sit at the table for dinner of tomatoes, basil, obviously leaving out the peppers ! Next planting maybe you will get the row at the far end. I think its about nurturing what we have and helping develop positive interactions. Sorry to use the garden as an example, but he likes it a lot apparently and must not be drinking out there or it would be a mess. The garden is a positive in his life, and what can be done to make it even more of a positive? Roast the corn he has grown and invite sober neighbors over for a special dinner, make him an awesome scarecrow !!

I have so many ideas tossing around in my head over Craft concepts, can you tell !!

BlueChair

This sounds like a marriage made in Heaven

SoloMio

He was drinking, which is why I asked him to wait until the next day to plant, and that's when his diatribe started about my taking "everything" away. If he had been sober, there would have been no argument.

Today he was drinking and planting, and I detached and just did my own thing. When he asked me to join him, I chose not to, which may have been a character flaw on my part, but I was simply not up for a potential tinder box of arguments brought on by his drinking.

Honestly, I really think we need to do the separate garden thing this year. But thanks so much for the pointers on CRAFT and the ideas... certainly worth exploring further, because I do see that they have helped me in other situations.

BlueChair

I think what you did was exactly as described by the book because he was drinking, you already saw the red flags and knew what was to come. You stepped away and put your emotional health first. Good Job!!

And for the examples today. Its helpful to me to talk to others who are using CRAFT so I can learn.

LoveMeNow

Although, I have not read this this entire thread, I just have one question for SR members.....has anyone here had any success with CRAFT with an active addict?

allforcnm

Lots of success stories for Craft in dealing with active addiction. I volunteer as a mentor at my husbands old rehab, and I see positive outcomes all the time.

Also at Smart Recovery meetings - as their family members utilize a mix of Craft methods and Smart tools...

Also Partnership Drug Free and the volunteers there share success stories..

many other Craft specific sites on the web.... ditto...

but here on SR... until recently Craft hasn't been discussed much... hopefully this will change as its becoming more popular in the real world due to its proven effectiveness.

allforcnm

Craft also has proven to work really well with teens and young adults.. parent/child relationships especially when there are things parents can use as positive incentives for change such as help with tuition, transportation, living arrangements, emotional support. I posted the Parents 20 minute guide on the Secular family forum which was produced by the authors of the book Beyond Addiction:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ide-craft.html