Tired & ready to give up
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Tired & ready to give up
Well, the last two weekends I have disappeared from my home and my kitties to get peace of mind away from my AH. After last weekend my AH ask me on Monday if I would please come home. He said he was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Said he detoxed for two days......
Honestly, I left to take care of ME but when he said that I was hopeful he might really want it this time. It wasn't more than a day later I could tell he was drinking. And he keeps it just below the level that it becomes totally obvious. But I knew it..... I can just sense it in his actions, looks.... everything.
So tonight as I lean on the couch to look out the window I find a bottle of tequila sticking out of the cushion. I have been very good and just leaving it, but honestly I have just had it. I picked it up and he walked around the corner and saw me holding the bottle. Of course he is now angry with me because I found it. I poured it down the sink. Yep.... I know it won't stop it, but it felt good this time to declare to myself "NOPE NOT IN MY HOUSE!"
He proceeded to yell and curse every foul mouth word he could to me. I know, I know, I should have just walked away. But do you ever just not want to be silent anymore??? I said, if you want to drink you need to leave. You are abusive and threatening when you drink and I don't want to be around you. I did not say anything mean or unkind..... I just stated my needs.
He drove off with a handful of clothes. I was hoping he would go get a hotel room and leave me out of it for the night. But he drove back in the driveway and parked in the drive about a half hour later. He has been in the car drinking ever since. A couple of hours. And he sent me a text that said, "You have until 6 pm Saturday to give me back my handgun or I will call the police." Several months ago when he got very threatening I took the guns to a family members house. He has been drinking for over a year now and I thought having the guns in the house was just a bad, bad idea.
Long and short, I think I am just done living this way. I can detach, stay away, ignore.....but in the meantime he drains all of his money and has not helped with mortgage, bills, groceries.... nothing this month. Then said to me in his angry I want to drink more mood, "You won't get another f-ing dime out of me for anymore bills either!" I have tried to work through this working my 12 steps the best I can and I am tired of living this way. Sure I can figure out how to be happy.....but I would honestly be happier without the unknown of what will happen with him next, and knowing that he is not going to be a support for me in any way. What quality marriage is that.
Respectable choice to throw in the towel after really trying for a year and two months... (not trying to stop him from drinking, just trying to keep ME sane and happy)?? I can do those things WAY better all by myself! UGH!
Thanks....I just needed to vent!
Honestly, I left to take care of ME but when he said that I was hopeful he might really want it this time. It wasn't more than a day later I could tell he was drinking. And he keeps it just below the level that it becomes totally obvious. But I knew it..... I can just sense it in his actions, looks.... everything.
So tonight as I lean on the couch to look out the window I find a bottle of tequila sticking out of the cushion. I have been very good and just leaving it, but honestly I have just had it. I picked it up and he walked around the corner and saw me holding the bottle. Of course he is now angry with me because I found it. I poured it down the sink. Yep.... I know it won't stop it, but it felt good this time to declare to myself "NOPE NOT IN MY HOUSE!"
He proceeded to yell and curse every foul mouth word he could to me. I know, I know, I should have just walked away. But do you ever just not want to be silent anymore??? I said, if you want to drink you need to leave. You are abusive and threatening when you drink and I don't want to be around you. I did not say anything mean or unkind..... I just stated my needs.
He drove off with a handful of clothes. I was hoping he would go get a hotel room and leave me out of it for the night. But he drove back in the driveway and parked in the drive about a half hour later. He has been in the car drinking ever since. A couple of hours. And he sent me a text that said, "You have until 6 pm Saturday to give me back my handgun or I will call the police." Several months ago when he got very threatening I took the guns to a family members house. He has been drinking for over a year now and I thought having the guns in the house was just a bad, bad idea.
Long and short, I think I am just done living this way. I can detach, stay away, ignore.....but in the meantime he drains all of his money and has not helped with mortgage, bills, groceries.... nothing this month. Then said to me in his angry I want to drink more mood, "You won't get another f-ing dime out of me for anymore bills either!" I have tried to work through this working my 12 steps the best I can and I am tired of living this way. Sure I can figure out how to be happy.....but I would honestly be happier without the unknown of what will happen with him next, and knowing that he is not going to be a support for me in any way. What quality marriage is that.
Respectable choice to throw in the towel after really trying for a year and two months... (not trying to stop him from drinking, just trying to keep ME sane and happy)?? I can do those things WAY better all by myself! UGH!
Thanks....I just needed to vent!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
There gets to be a point where detachment ceases to be an effective long term strategy. My ex refused to let me have any space. If I tried to leave the room he followed me. He was a real attention wh*re when he drank.
The gun, yikes. You did the right thing. I say let him call the police- if he even remembers all that quacking tomorrow.
The tequila- you're nicer than I was. The last time I caught my ex drinking after he promised to quit I dumped a can of beer over his head and threw it at him.
Hugs. Take care of you this weekend.
The gun, yikes. You did the right thing. I say let him call the police- if he even remembers all that quacking tomorrow.
The tequila- you're nicer than I was. The last time I caught my ex drinking after he promised to quit I dumped a can of beer over his head and threw it at him.
Hugs. Take care of you this weekend.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Patticakes, aside from all the drama that your husband has going on, how are you doing on a daily level? What good things are you doing for you?
Not sure if this may help, but it's been an important book for me in learning what's normal and finding ways to stop being the target. Amazon.com: Respect-Me Rules eBook: Shelly Marshall, Michael Marshall: Kindle Store
Not sure if this may help, but it's been an important book for me in learning what's normal and finding ways to stop being the target. Amazon.com: Respect-Me Rules eBook: Shelly Marshall, Michael Marshall: Kindle Store
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Hi Keepingthefaith! I have been spending time with my kids, friends, family and doing things that just plain make me happy. Fact is I have come to the point that I know I can be happy on my own. I really knew that before we got married. He had been sober for several years and working a program so I really thought we were on pretty solid ground.
I was happy before him and had a full life..... I know I can do it again. I am having to realize that what we once had is gone. Whether it could come back or not, I don't really think I want to be with him after this second go 'round with his alcoholism.
Thank you for the book suggestion!! I read all I can get my hands on!
I was happy before him and had a full life..... I know I can do it again. I am having to realize that what we once had is gone. Whether it could come back or not, I don't really think I want to be with him after this second go 'round with his alcoholism.
Thank you for the book suggestion!! I read all I can get my hands on!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm glad you're taking good care of yourself and have balance in your life! It sounds like you're doing well.
Even with that, have you ever called or stopped in at a DV center or have any counseling? I was making good progress on my own, but there was something about calling my local DV center and finally getting in to a good therapist that were huge steps for me, even after a lot of self-work ... or maybe all that self-work just made those steps that much more therapeutic for me.
Even with that, have you ever called or stopped in at a DV center or have any counseling? I was making good progress on my own, but there was something about calling my local DV center and finally getting in to a good therapist that were huge steps for me, even after a lot of self-work ... or maybe all that self-work just made those steps that much more therapeutic for me.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Here's another one of my favorite books, which is free at Amazon:
Amazon.com: The Heart of Abundance: A Simple Guide to Appreciating and Enjoying Life eBook: Candy Paull: Kindle Store
It's pieces of her other books and has lots of quotes. I like to read bits of it at a time.
Amazon.com: The Heart of Abundance: A Simple Guide to Appreciating and Enjoying Life eBook: Candy Paull: Kindle Store
It's pieces of her other books and has lots of quotes. I like to read bits of it at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
I have started to research DV centers in my area. I actually had the number up tonight and wavered between calling tonight or sorting my thoughts out here. I do think his threats about his gun are abusive in how he says it and what does he actually want to do with that gun?! He did grab my arms several weeks back when I reached for his bag of booze. Bruised the one wrist pretty good. He is already showing me he will keep pushing that boundary with me. I don't think I have much choice but to start working on separating. I also do think speaking with a DV Counselor is a good idea.
Thank you!!
Thank you!!
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Pattycakes, the police can actually hold the guns for you especially if you feel threatened by him having them. And then you can tell him to call the police when he wants his guns!
You sound very strong right now. If you are strong and can leave, I would. I waited and my AH began by grabbing and bruising my arm like you. And it has gotten much much worse. I waited unfortunately to call the DV hotline, and shelter until it was an emergency situation. I had a plan in place on how I was going to prepare to leave. But then one night, he was arrested on DV and harassment. I thought he was going to kill me and the kids that night. But my world was turned upside down in a heartbeat. I wasn't ready and hadn't planned on that happening.
My point is, if you are ready, I wouldn't wait. From everything I have heard and read it only gets worse with time. Both the abuse and the alcohol. And what I have also learned and read is that very very rarely do they change.
Stay safe! Listen to your gut! I wish I had.
You sound very strong right now. If you are strong and can leave, I would. I waited and my AH began by grabbing and bruising my arm like you. And it has gotten much much worse. I waited unfortunately to call the DV hotline, and shelter until it was an emergency situation. I had a plan in place on how I was going to prepare to leave. But then one night, he was arrested on DV and harassment. I thought he was going to kill me and the kids that night. But my world was turned upside down in a heartbeat. I wasn't ready and hadn't planned on that happening.
My point is, if you are ready, I wouldn't wait. From everything I have heard and read it only gets worse with time. Both the abuse and the alcohol. And what I have also learned and read is that very very rarely do they change.
Stay safe! Listen to your gut! I wish I had.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Searching peace.....I am SO sorry you have had to go through so much pain! Breaks my heart!! I really do hear you and I know I am ready to move on with my life. I have called my brother and a couple of very close friends to tell them exactly what is happening and I sent them the text about the gun. I am going to make a call to the DV hotline tomorrow and find the right path to be away from him.
Each time I step in his way of drinking he gets more and more hateful and angry. I think he recognizes how strong I am and that is the only reason so far he has walked away. He KNOWS I will not stand for it!
With that said, you are right! I can't wait until the worst case scenario to say, "Oh, okay NOW he has really crossed the line. Now I have to call the police." I have a bag packed and an exit plan in place. THAT in and of itself is a sign that my marriage is over. I am sorry you ever had to spend one day living a life like that!! Nobody deserves that!
I hope you are doing okay now.....thank you for taking the time to share with me!
Each time I step in his way of drinking he gets more and more hateful and angry. I think he recognizes how strong I am and that is the only reason so far he has walked away. He KNOWS I will not stand for it!
With that said, you are right! I can't wait until the worst case scenario to say, "Oh, okay NOW he has really crossed the line. Now I have to call the police." I have a bag packed and an exit plan in place. THAT in and of itself is a sign that my marriage is over. I am sorry you ever had to spend one day living a life like that!! Nobody deserves that!
I hope you are doing okay now.....thank you for taking the time to share with me!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
May I suggest that you go ahead and keep all needs already packed in the car. Make a copy of keys and also hide them outside of the house in case you need to exit quickly. Get money together and hide it in the car as well in case AH has access to cut off your cards.
I would have called the police when he was sitting in the driveway texting "get my guns or else". You might think about doing that next time as we all know there will be a next time. I don't take threats of guns etc. lightly. A handgun can be bought easily and you would never know it.
I understand how you feel about round 2 - If my RAH ever relapses I am outta here. Or rather, he is its my house. I don't care if he manages to get crowned King AA I will never get back together with him. Enough is enough.
Hugs to you and I hope today a better day.
I would have called the police when he was sitting in the driveway texting "get my guns or else". You might think about doing that next time as we all know there will be a next time. I don't take threats of guns etc. lightly. A handgun can be bought easily and you would never know it.
I understand how you feel about round 2 - If my RAH ever relapses I am outta here. Or rather, he is its my house. I don't care if he manages to get crowned King AA I will never get back together with him. Enough is enough.
Hugs to you and I hope today a better day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Hi redatlanta,
Thank you for your suggestions.....everything makes sense. Thank goodness I never jointed up our bank accounts. Mine is totally separate. I have my own credit cards that have nothing to do with him also. Grace of God I had pulled myself together after my first marriage failed and was standing on my own two feet. I did it before....I can certainly do it again.....AND I will have a peaceful home ALL by Myself!! Well, me and my kitties.
I have already left the house. Packed up this morning and have spent the day in the country at my daughter's house playing with my grand chicken and grand kitty cats. Oh the simple pleasures of sweet life.
I won't be going back to my house this weekend for sure. Putting together the next steps that have to be done. I did call the Domestic Violence Hotline this morning and they helped me clear my head of the muck so I can see the picture with a more clear head. I've got some things I need to do next week.
I am so grateful for this site and the wise words of wisdom I have received. I am still overwhelmed by HOW MANY of us share the same story! Mind boggling to see what a huge and widespread problem this disease is! Very sad.
Great big hugs and great big THANK YOU to you all!!!
Thank you for your suggestions.....everything makes sense. Thank goodness I never jointed up our bank accounts. Mine is totally separate. I have my own credit cards that have nothing to do with him also. Grace of God I had pulled myself together after my first marriage failed and was standing on my own two feet. I did it before....I can certainly do it again.....AND I will have a peaceful home ALL by Myself!! Well, me and my kitties.
I have already left the house. Packed up this morning and have spent the day in the country at my daughter's house playing with my grand chicken and grand kitty cats. Oh the simple pleasures of sweet life.
I won't be going back to my house this weekend for sure. Putting together the next steps that have to be done. I did call the Domestic Violence Hotline this morning and they helped me clear my head of the muck so I can see the picture with a more clear head. I've got some things I need to do next week.
I am so grateful for this site and the wise words of wisdom I have received. I am still overwhelmed by HOW MANY of us share the same story! Mind boggling to see what a huge and widespread problem this disease is! Very sad.
Great big hugs and great big THANK YOU to you all!!!
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