ladyscribbler

Yes, I've posted about it elsewhere. It was not good, but at least some of it might have been preventable if my mother had done the necessary footwork to prove that our dad's was an unsuitable environment. I think she was concerned that if she brought up his drinking, her recreational drug use would come to light. She has suffered from (undiagnosed) paranoid schizophrenia for many years and used to self medicate with marijuana.
She could also have done something more than "talk to" my dad when the fact that his drinking buddy was molesting me came to light. To be fair to my dad, that was going on when my parents were still married- it was my mom's sister's husband, and neither of them noticed. My brother, who was about 3 or 4 at the time mentioned it to my mom (uncle r takes Ladyscribbler into his bedroom and locks the door so no one else can get in) and she "talked to" my dad about it, though god knows what actually happened. He didn't believe it until he woke from a drunken stupor and caught the guy, and after that we never saw "uncle r" again. He never mentioned it after that, but a few months ago my mom and I were discussing it and she called me a liar and a manipulator and told me if I still felt the need to be bringing up stuff from so many years ago I needed to seek therapy and quit wasting her time because nothing from her childhood still affected her.
My point is, most alcoholics don't mean to be bad parents, some of them may retain a vestige of caring for their children well into their disease, though that will be lost or obscured by their drinking. In my mother's case, simply not being an alcoholic doesn't make you stable or loving or a good parent. I'm not saying that either of them was a great parent or a completely terrible parent. As a parent now I can see that they did their best, and I now have a pretty good blueprint for how NOT to do things with my kids. My mother was slightly more stable on the surface and therefore probably the lesser of 2 evils in our case.
You can't control him. You can control your reaction. So he's picking the kids up drunk, how can you go about proving that in a court setting to protect them? What lessons can you be teaching your children right now?

cynical one

jarp,

I have almost 50 articles in my blog on the effects of alcohol/drugs on children. Please feel free to take a look.

Children of Substance Abusers

ladyscribbler

Also check out the Language of Letting Go thread. Both are great reading. Thanks CO.

jarp

Thank you so much to everyone who gave time go my question. I really appreciate the thoughts, personal stories and sharing of resources.

I think this is less about me convincing him, and more for me really needing to understand what I am doing to my kids, and confirmation...letting go, for me.

I'm off to read the threads and resources suggested.

Thank you.

jarp

Wow what a fantastic resource, thanks so much for sharing that with me. If anyone else is struggling with really hearing and understanding the issues that affect our kids by living wi an alcoholic or addict then yo should go though these articles.

The one titled 'children of addicted parents: important facts' really, really some to me.

Ds is being diagnosed with learning issues at the moment, and all the psychs and speech therapists etc have commented on his compliant nature, his exceptional willingness to please, his anxiety and senstivity to negative criticism. His dad at the same time expects him to do things earlier and better than even the norm. He holds him to exceptional standards of behaviour whilst acting like a gigantic two year old himself. The article talks about that - it really, really struck me.

Thanks SO much. It's hardened my resolve.

ladyscribbler

What happened here? Where did this resolve go? Praying for you and your kids jarp. Your husband has made his choice. If we couldn't convince you, I hope the doctor's words have helped to open your eyes. Every post since this one has been about you trying to make this situation livable or fix your ah. Stay strong.

caboblanco

growing up with a heavy drinking parent just meant the gloves were off every night at about the end of dinner. My father would pick a fight with me about every night. Thank god for sports so i didn't have to be at the family dinner always. My mother wouldn't say anything..so I figured it was just something I deserved for being a horrible son