Hawkeye13

I come here as Adult Child of Alcoholic(s), spouse of alcoholic, and recovered alcoholic myself.

I learn from others here the effect my drinking has had on my family, and nowadays, how I got to the place of being an alcoholic and codependent in the first place.
I have learned to forgive myself and to see where it all began.

I have learned, and continue to learn, so much from the posters here.
I want to give a little something back to pay it forward as much as I can.

pixilation

YOu are JUST on the other side. It took me months to get to "normal" and that included having to go on Ambien to sleep(anxiety issues gave me insomnia) and to this day, I can not have my phone on anything but silent. Once I was away from ex he continued his drunken rants at me via text message, so he'd text me 20-30 times in a row, always at night while I was trying to sleep. And I'd keep my phone on vibrate(I figured it out shortly thereafter to just keep the phone on silent)

it DOES get better, i can guarantee it. Go look up some of my old posts, you'll see how much I've healed in the nearly 3 years since I left. And I still have more healing to do.

airwick

I'm here because I don't want to feel alone. I want to know that there are people out there that are going through the same or similar situations. I'm here because I WANT TO BE

allysen

I'm here because I understand and am understood. I rarely post about all the crap I went through or the A stuff I still experience because I don't find it helpful to do so. I like to focus on moving on so that's what I do. Others find it helpful to vent, or process their hurtful experiences by typing it out, and they are entitled to do so. They are safe to do that here. You are welcome to come here to post about whatever you like - past, present or future.

PippiLngstockng

20 years of living with an A. It took one day to get him out of our family home. 18 months or so later, I am still disentangling myself emotionally and financially from him. I had dreams that once rid of him physically, I would pick up the next day and everything would be different. Turns out, I am kind of feeling lost without him. I lived by responding to him - his moods, his needs, his work schedule. I was always trying to quietly figure out what he was doing and to stay out of his way while sharing the same house. Being on my own with the children is hard for me. There is so much I don't know how to do and I don't have the intense energy nor some of the competencies that xah has. He was always taking over and I never had to do a lot of things. He also wouldn't let me without making a huge exhausting scene.

I come here because I don't talk about my life in this way with my friends. They are mostly living lives like what I had before the separation. They are lovely women with rich successful husbands who travel and have lots of time tending to children while their husbands are away on business. They are horrified by my situation and were truly sympathetic but are now tired of hearing about it. It is time for me to wrap things up and move forward. I am but it is taking forever. I am working to get beyond the big waves but they keep hitting me and pushing me back.

So then I come here. I try not to talk to my children about their father, either. They don't see him much and they have kind of got things more or less sorted out for themselves since the time I kicked xah out of the house. We have had significant lifestyle changes. People used to always say what a beautiful family we had. Now we are kind of alone and things are more honest but sad.

I feel really badly for my children. They don't deserve to be hanging in there with a single frazzled Mom, a tiny apartment and one cat in a foreign land managing as best they can while I am scraping to get my act together and keep food on the table.

I am disappointed in myself. I thought I would do better than this!!! I used to feel smart at least and now I just look back and see how dumb I was to let xah walk all over me like that.

Hopefully I'll get there yet. I don't have a smidge of a regret for leaving xah. It just isn't that you leave and next day there's a happy ending. Life isn't a Disney movie.

searching peace

Pippilngstocking, you should be very proud of yourself that you have an apartment. You are ahead of me! I did have a friend offer her trailer until I get on my feet. I have lived a certain lifestyle my entire life up until this point. Now I won't be able to do anything for myself or my children. Today, I ironed my clothes and took photos of them so that I could sell them on eBay. I wasn't sad, it is just something I have to do so that I can put gas in my car and hopefully buy groceries. My children are really upset with me, I think. They love this home and neighborhood. But I have been abused enough. I keep telling myself that God wants me to learn an important lesson about things and status not meaning anything. I only want my kids to be safe and happy. They sit around in the house all day every day since AH was arrested. But tonight, I saw a glimmer of happiness in their eyes. I'm sure your kids are appreciative of all you do for them. They will thank you one day for taking care of them and staying with them. It doesn't sound like their father did. I am hopeful my children will one day appreciate just being together and safe. But even if they resent me for the rest of their lives, I know undid what I had to do for them to be able to have lives.

Bellajack4

I wish I could give you all hugssssssss. You all inspire me to do better. You are all such strong role models, especially pipilngstocking and searching peace. My mom stayed in the abusive relationship with my alcoholic father and let my siblings and I get physically abused and me also sexually abused. And now I am wanting a relationship from an alcoholic guy because it's all I know. You guys are breaking the cycle for your kids and hiving them hope and showing them to be strong and how to love themselves. I am sooooooo proud off all of you. Thank you for sharing. Huggggggggggggsss.

MesaMan

I think the amazing range of answers given thus far tell the tale re: why we're all 'still' here. As said succinctly above [and in other Posts]: 'Life isn't a Disney Movie'.

Starting right with old b/w Movie Westerns, the way Life actually plays out isn't some tidy 'Black Hat vs. White Hat' Scenario like 'The Lone Ranger' or a 'Bonanza' Program. Ask anyone here about the 'fair' Legal System, for example.

I used to have this saying that 'Life ain't 22 minutes without Commercials.' That's the amount of time a TV Screenwriter supposedly had to fill in a 30 minute TV slot, less Commercials. To some extent, our expectations are set by tidy TV endings viewed over Decades.

For some [or many], there never will be a final, linear leap to 'The Other Side', like some Building-to-Building Chase Scene in a Movie. There are issues to work on, possibly, for Decades.

As John Lennon said: 'Life is what happens while you're making other plans'.

Butterfly

I am in very early stages of recovery and if it wasn't for those who have been through similar experiences offering support and advice I wouldn't have gotten this far. The site wouldn't be supportive or beneficial to newcomers if everyone here were newcomers and hadn't experienced addiction/living with a loved one with addiction

I am very grateful for there support and guidance

NYCDoglvr

Because we must deal with codependency, which is an addiction to an unhealthy person. It's a process largely helped by going to Alanon. Eventually we learn to choose people who love and support us instead of sick, disturbed people.

NWGRITS

I'm here as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and a recovering codie. I found this site mere days after abruptly going No Contact with my Family Of Origin, and it's been like a newer, better family in the box. People here get it. They don't offer crackpot advice or make me feel like less of a person for feeling broken inside. At 31 I'm just now learning how to live in the real world with the big people, and I owe a ton of that progress to the people here. If I can help out in any way to any person here, whether it's just offering understanding hugs or giving insight into the child's perspective in all the chaos, then I feel like I'm growing bit by bit. Recovery from addiction, be it to a drug or a person, isn't simply "Oh hey, I'm better now! Ciao!" We help ourselves by helping others, and it's a lifelong process.

LadyinBC

I'm also an alcoholic and I also come here for those reasons too.

Reading and posting here reminds me of the person I don't want to be anymore. And it keeps me humble and reminds me that it isn't about me all the time.

This is part of my recovery and will be for a very long time. I will be in recovery for the rest of my life .

LightInside

I apologize for not reading all the previous responses. I hope I'm not saying anything that's already been said.

For me, getting to the other side is a process and I have done a little kicking and screaming along the way. I keep coming here because I still need it, but I also can see my progress now. When I hear a newcomer ask a question and I have a possible answer, I know that I have learned something. When someone is just devastated by the turmoil of their current crisis, I feel like I have hope for them. This tells me that I have come a long way. I'm able to know that it gets better, even if it us still not the way I want it to be at all.

Scars are reminders. They don't usually hurt, but they remind us of our injuries. I will always think my loss if the A in my life is a tragedy, but I know I'll be secure and happy. I know because I've already come so far. I know because the people before me say so. I trust these people because they (I think) don't have ulterior motives for teaching and supporting me.

Worried0810

I am on here because it was the advice and strength that I received here that showed me that there was light on the other side. And now as I'm going through the separation - I come back to read the stories and receive advice and how to get through this extremely difficult part of my life.
And then, when I'm ready, I will come back to give my own advice and hopefully help others!
Read all the stories - I've not yet read one that has said, "I regret leaving him". It takes some time to get over it. It has been 8 days since I left and it still hurts, but things are already looking better.

honeypig

Was just re-reading this great older thread and wanted to bump it up for one more go-round.

It gave me some good memories of folks who don't come around any more, or only sometimes.

I send out this quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh to all of us, past, present and future:

Don't wish me happiness
I don't expect to be happy all the time...
It's gotten beyond that somehow.
Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor.
I will need them all.

Nata1980

Hello!

Same reason someone who is sober still goes to AA meetings/working the program

Giving back, sharing experiences.

Many of us, including myself, have children with our qualifiers. This place helps me tremendously not to fall into old patterns. It helped me to let go. And once I did - I found clarity.

Hangnbyathread

Yep. And to let people be reminded that some are here because they haven't learned to stop repeating bad behaviors and don't have any examples of any from "the other side" that can show that things don't have to be repeated.

qtpi

Thanks for bumping this honeypig. I related quite well to Pippi's words. At nearly 18 months out I am still disentangling myself- and trying to start a new life.

OpheliaKatz

I come back here because when I really needed it most, the SR forums, as well as some real-life drug and alcohol counselors, and even my doctor, told me some uncomfortable truths. I cannot express how much this helped me, how lucky I have been. I cannot express how grateful I am. My doctor even told me that I didn't know that I was in an abusive relationship: "because that is what it is, it is abuse... and if you stay you will be sad, but you can choose to leave and you will also be sad because you can't save everybody, some people will end up homeless… or they might die -- it happens, that's just life -- you will be sad if you leave, but there is also a chance that you will be happy, even for a moment." I wasn't even seeking advice about my relationship and she just decided to give it to me. I am very, very grateful to anyone (friends, family, people on SR) who has ever given me advice -- even if I didn't follow it initially. I took a step back and really asked myself if I was happy. I was not. I am not happy now... but I do have some moments of happiness... I also actually smile.

I think that having experienced something as difficult as we have, it takes a lot of work to unburden your body from the trauma. Addiction is a family disease -- everyone close to the addict bears witness to repeated (unintentional... or in some cases intentional) near-suicide attempts. It is like being witness to torture. It is true (for me) that moving forward without the addict made my life better almost immediately, but it also means that I live with the scars. I still have a lot of grief to work through. I am currently going through all the reasons that kept me in the relationship for so long. I think this work is important, because if I don't do it, I will not be able to keep myself safe from a similar situation in the future – I am drawn to people I think I can save.

An addict can stop taking drugs, but they have to maintain sobriety and that’s life-long. A close friend or close family member of an addict can detach, but often it’s not because you stop loving them, it’s because if you don't, you might both die -- the addict of their drug, and you of heartbreak. I hope that answers the question. I still have the urge to save every man, woman, or child from themselves, but Gabor Mate said that this is actually displacement behavior: if you want to find injustice in the world you just have to open your door and it’s right there.

So in short, I come here for me. SR still helps me.