Broke no contact
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Broke no contact
Feeling very weak today!!!! I had 2 good days feeling very positive about managing on my own and letting him get on with things. I woke up very early today after having a bad nights sleep kept waking up and thinking about him! I had to contact him about the kids and was determined I wasn't going to mention us but I did I asked if he was any clearer on how he felt, if he was trying to figure things out and if he was still confused about how he felt about me. Of course he said he wasn't any clearer and wouldn't answer whether he was still confused about how he felt about me! Why can I not stop asking him, why does it matter how he feels he chose to leave and drink??
I told him I suppose it doesn't really matter how he feels about me love isn't enough anymore and he would rather drink than be at home with me & the kids. I told him I have to start accepting our marriage is over and that we will end up getting divorced because he doesn't want to give up drinking!! I also told him that I don't want a divorce but only he can stop it if it's not what he wants!! I take. On troll then give it right back to him
Why am I so weak?? Why do I seek validation from him and want him to tell me he doesn't want a divorce??
I have stepped back onto the emotional roller coaster and now I've started I don't know how to get off!!!!
I told him I suppose it doesn't really matter how he feels about me love isn't enough anymore and he would rather drink than be at home with me & the kids. I told him I have to start accepting our marriage is over and that we will end up getting divorced because he doesn't want to give up drinking!! I also told him that I don't want a divorce but only he can stop it if it's not what he wants!! I take. On troll then give it right back to him
Why am I so weak?? Why do I seek validation from him and want him to tell me he doesn't want a divorce??
I have stepped back onto the emotional roller coaster and now I've started I don't know how to get off!!!!
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In my experience when you decide you don't want to punish yourself anymore is when you will stop this behavior because…….
You already know the answer to the question. You already know its going to upset you. You already know its going to hurt.
When you decide you are sick and tired of being upset is when you will stop.
P.S. Just my opinion from my own experience of doing the same in a break up with a non-A, but a psycho a-hole. Called him every 3 days or so under the guise of something else but really to ask him why he chose to do what he did, and was there hope, and please don't do this. After the millionth time of a wrecked day I called a therapist. Her take on it was I was punishing myself for allowing him to treat me like sh!t. My anger was at myself more so than him. The guy was married the entire time we were together albeit separated but not divorced and I had no idea. They lived in separate states and he had a double life as they were trying to patch it up not get a divorce. Then they decided to reconcile, and I begged that piece of sh!t not to. What a prize - a pathological liar, great partnership material. In hindsight I can't believe I thought so low of myself that I begged someone like that to be with me. YUCK.
You already know the answer to the question. You already know its going to upset you. You already know its going to hurt.
When you decide you are sick and tired of being upset is when you will stop.
P.S. Just my opinion from my own experience of doing the same in a break up with a non-A, but a psycho a-hole. Called him every 3 days or so under the guise of something else but really to ask him why he chose to do what he did, and was there hope, and please don't do this. After the millionth time of a wrecked day I called a therapist. Her take on it was I was punishing myself for allowing him to treat me like sh!t. My anger was at myself more so than him. The guy was married the entire time we were together albeit separated but not divorced and I had no idea. They lived in separate states and he had a double life as they were trying to patch it up not get a divorce. Then they decided to reconcile, and I begged that piece of sh!t not to. What a prize - a pathological liar, great partnership material. In hindsight I can't believe I thought so low of myself that I begged someone like that to be with me. YUCK.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
In my experience when you decide you don't want to punish yourself anymore is when you will stop this behavior because…….
You already know the answer to the question. You already know its going to upset you. You already know its going to hurt.
When you decide you are sick and tired of being upset is when you will stop.
P.S. Just my opinion from my own experience of doing the same in a break up with a non-A, but a psycho a-hole. Called him every 3 days or so under the guise of something else but really to ask him why he chose to do what he did, and was there hope, and please don't do this. After the millionth time of a wrecked day I called a therapist. Her take on it was I was punishing myself for allowing him to treat me like sh!t. My anger was at myself more so than him. The guy was married the entire time we were together albeit separated but not divorced and I had no idea. They lived in separate states and he had a double life as they were trying to patch it up not get a divorce. Then they decided to reconcile, and I begged that piece of sh!t not to. What a prize - a pathological liar, great partnership material. In hindsight I can't believe I thought so low of myself that I begged someone like that to be with me. YUCK.
You already know the answer to the question. You already know its going to upset you. You already know its going to hurt.
When you decide you are sick and tired of being upset is when you will stop.
P.S. Just my opinion from my own experience of doing the same in a break up with a non-A, but a psycho a-hole. Called him every 3 days or so under the guise of something else but really to ask him why he chose to do what he did, and was there hope, and please don't do this. After the millionth time of a wrecked day I called a therapist. Her take on it was I was punishing myself for allowing him to treat me like sh!t. My anger was at myself more so than him. The guy was married the entire time we were together albeit separated but not divorced and I had no idea. They lived in separate states and he had a double life as they were trying to patch it up not get a divorce. Then they decided to reconcile, and I begged that piece of sh!t not to. What a prize - a pathological liar, great partnership material. In hindsight I can't believe I thought so low of myself that I begged someone like that to be with me. YUCK.
Only you can stop this, and he has shown you who he is through his actions.
I think you, and your kids especially (since they cannot choose in any of this) deserve more out of life than you are getting with this person.
I'm sorry you are hurting, but as someone who used to drink I can tell you that a person cannot be "forced" to stop through guilt.
As a child who grew up with active alcoholism in my home, I can tell you it had lifelong negative effects on me in terms of feeling safe, ability to trust, feeling it was my fault, choosing other alcoholic partners myself, and also I had an excellent role model to follow on how drinking is a way to "deal" with problems instead of facing them. So guess what I did when faced with problems as adult?
If you aren't ready to let go for yourself yet, remember the effect(s) of his addiction on your kids. Maybe that will help you to step off the crazy train--
You are doing your best--don't beat yourself up but keep focusing on the longer term--what is really best for you and your kids and how can you get there one small step at a time?
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cONFUSED---So, you fell off the horse.....no point in beating yourself up! Get back on the horse (right away) and focus on the fact that you were able to go two whole days doing very excellent. Around here---we say "progress...not perfection".
Remember that this compulsion to talk to him is not going to last forever...it is going to fade away.
It helps to make a written list of why it is imperative that you must move forward in the first place. Read the list over and over when you find yourself feeling "weak".
We have, mostly all of us, been where you are. We can tell you that life goes on and you will not always feel this way.
dandylion
Remember that this compulsion to talk to him is not going to last forever...it is going to fade away.
It helps to make a written list of why it is imperative that you must move forward in the first place. Read the list over and over when you find yourself feeling "weak".
We have, mostly all of us, been where you are. We can tell you that life goes on and you will not always feel this way.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Confused, you might find something helpful here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Like Dandylion said, progress, not perfection. Just keep on trying. This is all new for you and you'll need to practice those new skills. Keep at it! Eventually you'll be bulletproof.
Like Dandylion said, progress, not perfection. Just keep on trying. This is all new for you and you'll need to practice those new skills. Keep at it! Eventually you'll be bulletproof.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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Thank you. Usually when I start texting him it lasts all day but not today. He is calling tomorrow to install my daughters TV that her uncle left her. I only found this out when he replied to my texts. I think he would have just called without letting me know so I've told him to tell me what time so I can be out of the house. He told me he doesn't want a divorce but the last day or so I have been thinking that I might reach that point where I want one as I move forward in my recovery but I don't dwell on it too long. I'm trying to figure out my own feelings and emotions although I've been avoiding that aswell at the minute. I'm just trying to quieten my mind from thoughts of him and when I think about how I feel it's usually tangled up in how I feel about him and why this has happened. So for now I won't rush
I will not have face to face contact it's too painful. I do need to be stronger if I have to text or ring him it will be about the kids only no mention of us!!
I will not have face to face contact it's too painful. I do need to be stronger if I have to text or ring him it will be about the kids only no mention of us!!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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It's not the end of the world if you falter a bit as long as you keep trying. You've come a long way and getting stronger all the time.
As for your husband, look at his actions, not what he says. The only fact you need to focus on is that he wants to drink enough to leave his family. He probably has true feelings of love for you all, but his actions show that his need to drink is stronger.
As for your husband, look at his actions, not what he says. The only fact you need to focus on is that he wants to drink enough to leave his family. He probably has true feelings of love for you all, but his actions show that his need to drink is stronger.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Yes I am beginning to see that. I know he loves me and the kids but I am slowly realising that his words mean nothing if he's not going to back them up with actions and he has no intention of giving up drink. I need to walk away from him and our marriage stop focusing on him but on me and my kids
I am very worried about my daughter I have tried to talk to her about everything but she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it or think about as it makes her so angry. I try not to push I hope she will deal with it in time
My son seems to be fine I asked hi if he was worried about his dad and he replied no he will be fine!!
They know I am here if they want to talk about anything
I am very worried about my daughter I have tried to talk to her about everything but she tells me she doesn't want to talk about it or think about as it makes her so angry. I try not to push I hope she will deal with it in time
My son seems to be fine I asked hi if he was worried about his dad and he replied no he will be fine!!
They know I am here if they want to talk about anything
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I told him I suppose it doesn't really matter how he feels about me love isn't enough anymore and he would rather drink than be at home with me & the kids.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
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Hi Confused39,
Thank you for sharing. Two days of no contact is better than no days. A small bump in the road, but progress is progress.
I have a friend who is still married but has not lived with her husband for about 3 years now. They are "working on their marriage" while living completely separate lives. Neither of them are alcoholics, but the behavior pattern is similar. She knows it's over and is having trouble letting go. They have been in limbo for so long. Yesterday, we were talking about it and it came to me saying a few things that we both really pondered on for a bit:
-She said she is having trouble letting go of the person she loves and the marriage, but a limbo is not a marriage. How do you define marriage and does this satisfy that definition?
-You have two choices: to really and truly accept him and the marriage exactly the way it is and be ok with it, or to let go and move on. They had the same problems 3 years ago and despite them living separately to "work on their marriage", the same problems are still persisting. So either she has to accept that this is her marriage or choose to get a different one. I think back a lot to the first fight my xabf and I ever had and that should have told me all I needed to know. I should have left from that first fight. I think first fights are very indicative of behavior patterns.
The first time we fought was when he went to catch up with a female friend. He was supposed to meet up with me for dinner. He was having a good time with her and asked to keep catching up with her so dinner with me was cancelled. He drove her home and went in to sit down for a bit because he was "not drunk, but pretty buzzed and wanted to sober up". He fell asleep till 3am on the couch. She texted me at 3am to tell me they both fell asleep and she was so sorry. He put his phone down on some table away from the couch and it was on silent. He came home, apologized profusely, and we stayed together for longer than need be. But you know what? Every fight after that basically included some, if not all, of the same ingredients.
The first fight I had in my current relationship with a non-alcoholic? It was about how we don't spend enough time together. How we are constantly going to friend's events and have not had alone time in forever. That was it. Isn't that crazy?
Something to think about.
Has your relationship with him changed very much over the years? If it's still pretty much the same, then what else can you do but accept it exactly the way it is or move on? Have you changed how you respond/interact with him? Is this emotional rollercoaster a pattern of your behavior? Something I heard - if you keep doing the same thing, you will always get the same result.
Take care.
Thank you for sharing. Two days of no contact is better than no days. A small bump in the road, but progress is progress.
I have a friend who is still married but has not lived with her husband for about 3 years now. They are "working on their marriage" while living completely separate lives. Neither of them are alcoholics, but the behavior pattern is similar. She knows it's over and is having trouble letting go. They have been in limbo for so long. Yesterday, we were talking about it and it came to me saying a few things that we both really pondered on for a bit:
-She said she is having trouble letting go of the person she loves and the marriage, but a limbo is not a marriage. How do you define marriage and does this satisfy that definition?
-You have two choices: to really and truly accept him and the marriage exactly the way it is and be ok with it, or to let go and move on. They had the same problems 3 years ago and despite them living separately to "work on their marriage", the same problems are still persisting. So either she has to accept that this is her marriage or choose to get a different one. I think back a lot to the first fight my xabf and I ever had and that should have told me all I needed to know. I should have left from that first fight. I think first fights are very indicative of behavior patterns.
The first time we fought was when he went to catch up with a female friend. He was supposed to meet up with me for dinner. He was having a good time with her and asked to keep catching up with her so dinner with me was cancelled. He drove her home and went in to sit down for a bit because he was "not drunk, but pretty buzzed and wanted to sober up". He fell asleep till 3am on the couch. She texted me at 3am to tell me they both fell asleep and she was so sorry. He put his phone down on some table away from the couch and it was on silent. He came home, apologized profusely, and we stayed together for longer than need be. But you know what? Every fight after that basically included some, if not all, of the same ingredients.
The first fight I had in my current relationship with a non-alcoholic? It was about how we don't spend enough time together. How we are constantly going to friend's events and have not had alone time in forever. That was it. Isn't that crazy?
Something to think about.
Has your relationship with him changed very much over the years? If it's still pretty much the same, then what else can you do but accept it exactly the way it is or move on? Have you changed how you respond/interact with him? Is this emotional rollercoaster a pattern of your behavior? Something I heard - if you keep doing the same thing, you will always get the same result.
Take care.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Hi confused, go easy yourself and know you won't remain on that roller coaster. I think we have all jumped back on a few times during the recovery process. How you get off the ride us by taking care of yourself. If you can't sleep because you are thinking of him, maybe try reading a good book, listen to some music that empowers you. I used to listen to "Mean" by Taylor Swift over and over. It takes time to get someone out of your head, especially an a. But if you take time to nurture your soul and put the focus back on you, little by little you will start to feel better. I remember dandelion telling me I would start thinking about my a less and less and she was right! Maybe attend some Al anon meetings too. Also keep reading and posting here. The support here is amazing and I know it's played a huge part in my recovery...even when I jumped back on the roller coaster! Wishing you peace and clarity.
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As soon as I broke contact I came straight on here and because of the support I didn't dwell on it or beat myself up all day. I also didn't keep texting him which was usual for me!!
I went to a friends for a barbecue last night and had an amazing night. It was the first night in a long time where I wasn't anxious about how much my AH was drinking at home or checking up on him to make sure he wasn't too drunk! I was a bit worried about whether I would text him when I got home as I had a few drinks but I didn't. So although a had a bump in the road in the morning the rest of my day was good and got better as it went on!!
I went to a friends for a barbecue last night and had an amazing night. It was the first night in a long time where I wasn't anxious about how much my AH was drinking at home or checking up on him to make sure he wasn't too drunk! I was a bit worried about whether I would text him when I got home as I had a few drinks but I didn't. So although a had a bump in the road in the morning the rest of my day was good and got better as it went on!!
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Confused---good for you...you climbed right back on that horse again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time with other people.....daily structure....staying busy....physical exercise......doing new things..... These are the things that will carry you through the very tough early times while you are still grieving and adjusting to this new turn in life.
You are trying hard, confused. By and by ..you will be o.k.
dandylion
Time with other people.....daily structure....staying busy....physical exercise......doing new things..... These are the things that will carry you through the very tough early times while you are still grieving and adjusting to this new turn in life.
You are trying hard, confused. By and by ..you will be o.k.
dandylion
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Thank you dandelion. He is calling round today but I am going out before he gets here although he won't tell me what time he's calling so il just make sure I'm out all day!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Here's my take on it, I could be wrong.....he has absolutely nothing to lose (from his point of view). He can have his cake and eat it too, so to speak. He still "has you" and he is secure in that knowledge. (you reinforce that when you question his feelings for you, etc) He is getting satisfaction out of that, I'm sure. Why does he need to change? He hasn't really lost his family (maybe that's his rock bottom).
My advice, get back on that horse of no contact. I can't imagine the reaction that he would have if he was served with divorce papers that you filed. It would probably knock the wind out of him and really give him something to think about.
On the other hand, if it didn't, then do you really want him back? Good luck and stay strong.
My advice, get back on that horse of no contact. I can't imagine the reaction that he would have if he was served with divorce papers that you filed. It would probably knock the wind out of him and really give him something to think about.
On the other hand, if it didn't, then do you really want him back? Good luck and stay strong.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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He texted to say he would be round in 10 mins now usually on a Saturday I'm still in my jammies until lunch time but as I knew he could come at any point I was up early and dressed so I quickly ran out the door and took my dog for a 2 hour walk give him plenty of time to sort my daughter TV out. So I came back and he had just left the TV on her bed. My son told me he had forgotten the remote control so couldn't set it up for her he didn't say when he would be back.
Now I could be wrong but it seems that he has done that deliberately so he can call unannounced and maybe catch me at home. I have made it very clear that I do not want to see him and he has asked me out for lunch which I have refused and has my son has finished school and only goes in for his exams he doesn't need to collect him every morning and call into the house. Although I texted him yesterday and yes I did ask questions I didn't keep it up all day which was what I usually would have done constant texts asking more & more questions!! I think he is a bit taken aback at how determined I am this time to not see him as I have said so many times I don't want to see you but then backtrack. I've also always told him in texts I'm here for him if he wants me but I didn't yesterday. I'm determined he wants to be on his own then he can get on with it and pick himself up and deal with life's problems by himself. This was after all what he wanted I can't and won't be his support to pull him through.
It is nice to breathe out
Iam very grateful for all the support I have received on SR. I am also very grateful for my 2 wonderful children and my friends who have stuck with me. I have a lot to be thankful for!!
Now I could be wrong but it seems that he has done that deliberately so he can call unannounced and maybe catch me at home. I have made it very clear that I do not want to see him and he has asked me out for lunch which I have refused and has my son has finished school and only goes in for his exams he doesn't need to collect him every morning and call into the house. Although I texted him yesterday and yes I did ask questions I didn't keep it up all day which was what I usually would have done constant texts asking more & more questions!! I think he is a bit taken aback at how determined I am this time to not see him as I have said so many times I don't want to see you but then backtrack. I've also always told him in texts I'm here for him if he wants me but I didn't yesterday. I'm determined he wants to be on his own then he can get on with it and pick himself up and deal with life's problems by himself. This was after all what he wanted I can't and won't be his support to pull him through.
It is nice to breathe out
Iam very grateful for all the support I have received on SR. I am also very grateful for my 2 wonderful children and my friends who have stuck with me. I have a lot to be thankful for!!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
It helps to make a written list of why it is imperative that you must move forward in the first place. Read the list over and over when you find yourself feeling "weak".
dandylion
dandylion
Stay strong.
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