He Keeps Asking Me To Come Back
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Join Date: May 2013
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He Keeps Asking Me To Come Back
It's been 5 days since I left and he's asked to come back 3 times now, or at least to visit him. He is working tonight so he asked if I could come through to drive with him at work. He says that he hasn't drank anything since Monday (a whole four days - wow!) He told me that he didn't have any money to pay me back right away. I said that's fine and he can pay me back when he has it.
I'm still doubting myself now that he is contacting me. He said yesterday that he would not phone me and only text if it was to sort something out. I told him that I would sort out the bills etc and he said, 'So you're not coming back?' I'm finding it harder and harder to say no to him, I just wish he would stop asking! He said that I was unhappy throughout the whole relationship and I said no, because I wasn't! Only when he was drinking which was every weekend. He said, 'So it's my fault' to which I said no, but it is, isn't it?
Even then, does he want me back because he loves me or for the money situation? I'm so hurt and confused because it seems to me like he's genuinely gutted and wants me back, but then, I've heard it before. I just don't know what to do now!
I'm still doubting myself now that he is contacting me. He said yesterday that he would not phone me and only text if it was to sort something out. I told him that I would sort out the bills etc and he said, 'So you're not coming back?' I'm finding it harder and harder to say no to him, I just wish he would stop asking! He said that I was unhappy throughout the whole relationship and I said no, because I wasn't! Only when he was drinking which was every weekend. He said, 'So it's my fault' to which I said no, but it is, isn't it?
Even then, does he want me back because he loves me or for the money situation? I'm so hurt and confused because it seems to me like he's genuinely gutted and wants me back, but then, I've heard it before. I just don't know what to do now!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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so it sounds like his manipulation and attempts to control you are working.
if you go back, it will all happen again and maybe worse if he isn't gong to be serious about stopping and recovery.
I don't think you've seen much from him but talk.
Reread his treatment of you--is this what you are willing to settle for in a life partner?
if you go back, it will all happen again and maybe worse if he isn't gong to be serious about stopping and recovery.
I don't think you've seen much from him but talk.
Reread his treatment of you--is this what you are willing to settle for in a life partner?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Even if he is genuinely heartbroken, that's something he has to deal with. Let him experience the consequences of his drinking. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be really difficult. Maybe it's time to cut all contact so you can begin to heal. xoxo
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Ok do you just want to go back to him because he loves you?
I think you are glamorizing the relationship a bit - he drinks more than just on the weekends. Why would you say the problem is not his fault? It is his fault. And I guess its yours too because you can't admit that to him.
This is classic A manipulation I swear they all receive a handbook of how to manipulate their codes and enablers. Mr. "Nice" comes out, and Mr. "I love you", and Mr. "I am so Hurt", and Mr. "I'll change". Quack Quack Quack.
Its a load - you understand that if you go back to him nothing will change. NOTHING. You may get a week of good behavior if you are lucky.
As for the money that's a dangling carrot. My guess is you will never see a penny because that would cut into the booze/party fund of your A. That's ok money can be replaced. There is no price for sanity. It may be your process to go back again for more before you decide to actually end it. I don't know. But you will figure it out because you have been fed up with it for a long time.
My advice is to give yourself some time, decisions don't have to be made right now. It would be best to let the fog clear a bit and decide rather than caving in. Separating is painful and it would be an easy way to anesthetize the hurt by just going back, yet the problems are still there and you know that.
I think you are glamorizing the relationship a bit - he drinks more than just on the weekends. Why would you say the problem is not his fault? It is his fault. And I guess its yours too because you can't admit that to him.
This is classic A manipulation I swear they all receive a handbook of how to manipulate their codes and enablers. Mr. "Nice" comes out, and Mr. "I love you", and Mr. "I am so Hurt", and Mr. "I'll change". Quack Quack Quack.
Its a load - you understand that if you go back to him nothing will change. NOTHING. You may get a week of good behavior if you are lucky.
As for the money that's a dangling carrot. My guess is you will never see a penny because that would cut into the booze/party fund of your A. That's ok money can be replaced. There is no price for sanity. It may be your process to go back again for more before you decide to actually end it. I don't know. But you will figure it out because you have been fed up with it for a long time.
My advice is to give yourself some time, decisions don't have to be made right now. It would be best to let the fog clear a bit and decide rather than caving in. Separating is painful and it would be an easy way to anesthetize the hurt by just going back, yet the problems are still there and you know that.
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Join Date: May 2013
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I know, I know going back will not solve anything and he will maybe behave for a week at most and then he will go back to normal. I know it's his fault as well, I was trying to spare his feelings but I realise that there might not be a way to do that.
It's just so frustrating! This is what I wanted on the weekend for so long - time together without booze and now suddenly he wants to do it?! Nope, far too late.
I have boxes in the back of my car, I am going back today (or tomorrow) to pick up the rest of my stuff.
He will give me the money I think - he's always been decent with money. :/ It's just a shame that he couldn't be more decent towards me. The longer I am away from him, the easier everything gets. When I see him and he's all apologetic etc. I forgot all the bad stuff. But when I am away from him, all the bad stuff comes flooding back.
It's done, it's over. I just want my money back (or at least some of it) and make a clean break. If he wants to change, he can but even if he did, there wouldn't be a future for us. I could never treat him again
It's sad but I needed him to be a better man that what he was.
It's just so frustrating! This is what I wanted on the weekend for so long - time together without booze and now suddenly he wants to do it?! Nope, far too late.
I have boxes in the back of my car, I am going back today (or tomorrow) to pick up the rest of my stuff.
He will give me the money I think - he's always been decent with money. :/ It's just a shame that he couldn't be more decent towards me. The longer I am away from him, the easier everything gets. When I see him and he's all apologetic etc. I forgot all the bad stuff. But when I am away from him, all the bad stuff comes flooding back.
It's done, it's over. I just want my money back (or at least some of it) and make a clean break. If he wants to change, he can but even if he did, there wouldn't be a future for us. I could never treat him again
It's sad but I needed him to be a better man that what he was.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
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Originally Posted by Worried0810 
He says that he hasn't drank anything since Monday (a whole four days - wow!) !
This is just simply to appease you. Give it some time and he will drink again. Doesn't sound like he has any plan in place to quit. I use to say this sort of stuff to my daughter all the time. I would quit for 2 weeks and be right back at it because I figured that gave her time to cool off. I had no intentions of quitting at the time. This situation will probably get worse before it gets better. Recovery takes years, not just a few weeks or months.
Originally Posted by Worried0810
'So you're not coming back?' I'm finding it harder and harder to say no to him, I just wish he would stop asking! He said that I was unhappy throughout the whole relationship and I said no, because I wasn't! Only when he was drinking which was every weekend. He said, 'So it's my fault' to which I said no, but it is, isn't it? !
We can be soooo good at manipulating people and making everything seem like it is your fault. Notice after a bender after treating you like crap we make you feel bad for us? And yes, it is his fault. Just like is was my fault when I was drinking.
I tell people here all the time that you so deserve to be treasured and treated like gold. Don't ever settle for anything less than that.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
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Originally Posted by LadyinBC
I'm an alcoholic and this is just some of my thoughts and opinions. You can take what you need and leave the rest.
This is just simply to appease you. Give it some time and he will drink again. Doesn't sound like he has any plan in place to quit. I use to say this sort of stuff to my daughter all the time. I would quit for 2 weeks and be right back at it because I figured that gave her time to cool off. I had no intentions of quitting at the time. This situation will probably get worse before it gets better. Recovery takes years, not just a few weeks or months.
Tell him no you aren't coming back and to stop asking you to. What does your gut tell you to do? Don't ask your heart ask your gut. Honestly my gut tells you to run from this guy and don't look back. Go back to your other thread and read all the negatives you get from this relationship. I understand that sometimes it is just easier to stay. But are you really happy?
We can be soooo good at manipulating people and making everything seem like it is your fault. Notice after a bender after treating you like crap we make you feel bad for us? And yes, it is his fault. Just like is was my fault when I was drinking.
I tell people here all the time that you so deserve to be treasured and treated like gold. Don't ever settle for anything less than that.
This is just simply to appease you. Give it some time and he will drink again. Doesn't sound like he has any plan in place to quit. I use to say this sort of stuff to my daughter all the time. I would quit for 2 weeks and be right back at it because I figured that gave her time to cool off. I had no intentions of quitting at the time. This situation will probably get worse before it gets better. Recovery takes years, not just a few weeks or months.
Tell him no you aren't coming back and to stop asking you to. What does your gut tell you to do? Don't ask your heart ask your gut. Honestly my gut tells you to run from this guy and don't look back. Go back to your other thread and read all the negatives you get from this relationship. I understand that sometimes it is just easier to stay. But are you really happy?
We can be soooo good at manipulating people and making everything seem like it is your fault. Notice after a bender after treating you like crap we make you feel bad for us? And yes, it is his fault. Just like is was my fault when I was drinking.
I tell people here all the time that you so deserve to be treasured and treated like gold. Don't ever settle for anything less than that.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
When the alcoholic gets you to feel bad for him, it's because you are a nice person. He never feels bad for you. If he did, he would have never let things get to the point of you leaving.
We think they can feel things the way we do - but they can't. All they know is how to get their way, with no scruples. They use lying and manipulation. We use love and honesty.
Since we come from a place of honest emotions, we assume they are doing the same. They aren't. Their emotions are gone. Alcohol does that, it flattens and destroys all real emotion.
We think they can feel things the way we do - but they can't. All they know is how to get their way, with no scruples. They use lying and manipulation. We use love and honesty.
Since we come from a place of honest emotions, we assume they are doing the same. They aren't. Their emotions are gone. Alcohol does that, it flattens and destroys all real emotion.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Thank you all for your responses. I'm new to this site and I love it -- so comforting, no bs, just people sharing experiences that it seems everyone can relate to.
I've been separated for almost a year from my husband of 21 years who cheated, left me for her, wanted to get back together a few months later. I won't bore you with the gory details as it seems to be a very common, familiar story when married to an alcoholic.
The divorce has been on hold and I've been in limbo for the last several months -- not letting him back in but not moving forward for no other reason than I'm not ready to end what I wanted for the rest if my life with the man I love.
Except that he isn't that man -- he drinks his stated 10 beers
I've been separated for almost a year from my husband of 21 years who cheated, left me for her, wanted to get back together a few months later. I won't bore you with the gory details as it seems to be a very common, familiar story when married to an alcoholic.
The divorce has been on hold and I've been in limbo for the last several months -- not letting him back in but not moving forward for no other reason than I'm not ready to end what I wanted for the rest if my life with the man I love.
Except that he isn't that man -- he drinks his stated 10 beers
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 16
(Premature send...)
10 beers and then some, golfs most days, works online if he feels like it. That isn't who I married.
I'm healing, working on me, trying to grow and almost ready to move forward with the divorce.
Anyhow, my point is, Thank you all for being here.
10 beers and then some, golfs most days, works online if he feels like it. That isn't who I married.
I'm healing, working on me, trying to grow and almost ready to move forward with the divorce.
Anyhow, my point is, Thank you all for being here.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
kathyi - Why would you accept that in your life? The lying, cheating and drinking are not going to stop. He has shown you who he is.
Now you need to figure out why you would allow that in your life. The answer is not "love" - dig deeper. That relationship was not love.
Now you need to figure out why you would allow that in your life. The answer is not "love" - dig deeper. That relationship was not love.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Worried, i know he owes you money but can you go No Contact with him for at least a few days? Just spend some time with yourself without distractions or pressure. Your perspective might be very different in a week if you are allowed the time and space to process everything you have been through.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Worried - 'He said, 'So it's my fault' to which I said no, but it is, isn't it?' I haven't read the other responses yet, and I am new here so don't have all the right answers yet, but this is something that came up with my xabf last night. In the discussion I told him ' No blame, I just don't want you to think it was all me doing it TO you (hurting him/breaking up); I just think it's important we both take ownership for our decions, and remind ourselves, otherwise it will be easiy for you to feel the abandonment thing, and you should not '. (He was supposedly committed to himself to not drink, but decided too: I committed to myself to leave if he did, and decided too) Things with him did not get bad - this time - but we've been together 4 years and he's been in and out of drinking, and when he was drinking I saw enough (though no anger or abuse, yet) that I knew I didn't want this the rest of my life. It has only been about a week and I still of course am unsure it will stick at moments, but this board helps. Anyway, he has a lot of childhood issues and I just think it's important that it is clear how we got here, we both did what we felt we need to do, not really anyone's fault, just that it wasn't enough that almost every single thing about our relationship was amazing, but the alcohol isn't a fit for us, the puzzle doesn't fit when that one piece is so different between what we each want out of life. That was a really unnecessarily long answer.. Sorry I wasn't more concise!
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Thank you every one for your responses! You've gave me strength to get through today. I picked up the last of my stuff and got everything I need to sort out bills etc.
MAGW - I am exactly the same. Our relationship worked on so many levels but alcohol was a piece that didn't fit. I wanted to get married - he didn't. Every little problem was made into a huge drama. He has been drinking for the entirety of our relationship. The longest he ever went was three weeks and he proceeded to get absolutely hammered after it. I kept telling myself that he wasn't addicted but he is. Once I realised that, I knew that I would never be his priority as he was mine. He's never run me a bath when sick, we got burgled and he never hugged me. I deserve better and one day I will get it!
MAGW - I am exactly the same. Our relationship worked on so many levels but alcohol was a piece that didn't fit. I wanted to get married - he didn't. Every little problem was made into a huge drama. He has been drinking for the entirety of our relationship. The longest he ever went was three weeks and he proceeded to get absolutely hammered after it. I kept telling myself that he wasn't addicted but he is. Once I realised that, I knew that I would never be his priority as he was mine. He's never run me a bath when sick, we got burgled and he never hugged me. I deserve better and one day I will get it!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
To be blunt, alcoholics lie. Tell him you'll come back if he stops drinking and see what he says ....
I told him that was always the ONLY condition. Yay for Ladyscribbler's rock bottom expectations, I know.
Yeah, he would have done anything to get me back, he even said so. Anything but get sober apparently.
So I left him to his true love and started a new life for myself.
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