CodeJob

Ah Miss Fix It,

Good timing for an update on ye olde Mr. T (therapist). So glad you asked!

So Mr. T has been trying to make me angry and sad. Of course I asked him to help me disassemble my emotional blockade (which I call the wall). So he was sort of doing his job that I hired him to do. Wall of shame, wall of guilt, wall of intellectualization, wall of hurt, wall of whatever is a big problem for me because then I am not honest about my feelings and stuff them into little brick crevices. I do not value my own truths and to avoid conflict I just go with the flow - even when I should not. Even to my own self destruction. Even to the point of depression.

So the other day I was writing a note and all of a sudden it snapped into place for me that I am not particularly afraid of H at all. The problem is my marriage is part of my WALL to protect me from my family of origin. One of the reasons I picked RAH was he was unlikely to want to live 'back home.' With RAH becoming an A, he was about as reliable as an Army Corp of Engineer building some p-ss poor levy in NOLA in helping me stay strong and secure and AWAY from my family. I am terrified to rely on my family. THEY are the basis of ALL of my fears. Which I sort of thought that was so my youth. I thought I had that SH-- handled, but apparently not.

I did manage to bring up transference to Mr. T. He denied the countertransference. I just shrugged. I am there to figure ME out - not him. The next session (we generally meet EOW), he brings it up and realizes somehow I was protecting him from me. Well duh. I was doing my best to not feel obligated to 'save' Mr. T.

Of course I cannot tell him this. I sound crazy. So I E-mailed him instead and also spilled my guts on my fears being based on FOO (not RAH). He replied to look up IFS therapy and he used good vocabulary. Such that I had to double-check the meaning of the word with a dictionary. So we have been talking about how I intellectualize everything. So he is playing to my strengths too. He knows I'll look this stuff up and do the work. So yesterday I caved. I sent him an email to schedule an extra session and took the time to throw in a master's level word back. We met last night as I was able to take a cancellation.

He still thinks I am 'angry' at him. I am not particularly sure if I am angry at him. I am just bloody thankful to feel the anger simmering - and have a line to it again. But usually it BLOWS when I am like this and I am worried about innocent bystanders when it goes. So yeah, in my book he is an innocent bystander, so maybe I am protecting him from my anger too?

As he's reviewing the email he told me I have intelligent and amazing insight into myself. I can tell he is going to look those two emails in more detail and hand me some of my own insights back to me that I have not fully recognized yet. I've given him enough ammo to blow my wall and I guess I just need to not fight my panic at vulnerability. I need to get vulnerable to make more strides in my recovery.

So we are making headway and I was correct to keep going. However, we do not talk sex any more. Also I did not tell him that my clock was reset. And yesterday as he was dragging truths out me and it felt like he's pulling taffy out of my soul, I realized that maybe the transference is just intellectual. He gets to use big words and theories with me and I'll go figure it all out and how it applies to me. It satisfies both of us. It lets me still hide in my intellectualization and he gets to show off his therapeutic skill set with a little more dash than usual.

So sorry, no good making passes in the orange room story for you Ms. Fix It. I have managed to not self sabotage myself in therapy - yet!

Hammer

Thought this was funny . . . .

Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail - 12. "Anger Management" - YouTube

MissFixit

Hammer's video is pretty much what I envision when I read your post.

Do you think you have a lot of emotional energy tied up with Mr. T? Do you think it is his "therapeutic touch" or the rapport with him as a person that is appealing to you? Do you have a stimulating rapport with AH like you do with Mr. T? (it never sounds like you do)

Stung

I just think its interesting that you seem to think so much about his take away from having you as a client. This really jumped out at me:

He gets paid. He gets to pay his mortgage, auto loan, kids' tuition, etc. THAT is what he gets and then whatever professional enjoyment he has from helping people. I think maybe you're projecting in thinking that he enjoys using big words and theories and giving you riddles. I can only speak from my own therapy experience (unfortunately I've seen several therapists at this point but this is the first I've ever picked out on my own) but I don't ever wonder about my therapist or what they're thinking or how *I* am filling any of their wants/needs. My therapist gets PAID, I fill her needs by writing her a check every week for her time. I hope that she cares about me to a degree but you seem way more attached to yours than I am to mine. Just comparing notes here. Maybe I have some narcissist stuff going on that I don't think about my therapist outside of how she can help me but I think you're maybe a little in the opposite direction?

CodeJob

Yes I think I am projecting too. I talked to my sponsor last night and we are meeting next Thursday. She is a counselor and probably has the local scoop on women therapists that might be a decent match for me.

MissFixit

That is probably a good idea. When you wrote that you stopped telling him about sex and kept quiet that you reset your clock, that sends a sign to me that there might be feelings outside the scope of the patient doctor relationship.

Are you going to tell Mr. T up front about this? Are you going to let him know why you are leaving? Are you going to be sad not to see him and have those exchanges?

In no way am I advocating any type of affair, but to have that emotional part of you woken up seems good to me b/c you know it is there. You also know that if ah isn't lighting that emotional fire there is something missing that he perhaps cannot give you. I tend to put positive spins on these sorts of insights. Hope it helps.

CodeJob

I think I might see what is going on now that I am fully awake today. Thank you Stung, Hammer and Miss Fix It for making me look at this experience from another angle! I have no idea what I think about therapy other than I have never liked it, I've never done it successfully before and it does somewhat feel like getting dental work done. I don't particularly like anyone in my personal mental space!

He is trying to teach me how to deal with anger. That is a role I do understand. He keeps trying to get me to blow up about all my feelings, and I keep suppressing 90% of it... That is why he told me I was not really clinically depressed -because I keep turning my anger inwards. I've told him about how I turn anger away and bottle it up and he keeps trying to pull situations out of me that I don't want to talk about because then I'll get ticked OFF! He's always asking me how I feel and half the time I can only manage, "Sad." I sound like an idiot. Then I get irked. He has gotten me very close to my anger and I can feel it but I don't know how to let it go! Same problem different focus.

He has said I am protecting him from my anger and I look right at him and reply, "I am not angry at you." Because I am in control enough not to vent anger at someone who doesn't deserve it - like I often catch it. I stop the downward spiral. I stop the anger in my family and a fair amount in my marriage. I mostly use wit and humor, but I will take the heat as needed to stop it I dislike conflict so much.

The reason I have to feel special with him is bc being validated is rather new for me. I'm trying to reassure myself that this is a rare feeling - something unique - feeling worthwhile makes me vulnerable and weak to opponents. But feeling validated is supposed to be somewhat normal. Though it has not been for me.

Don't I just have a negative little priss in charge of myself. I never forgive myself and have internalized all the negativity from growing up and living with an A. I might have been letting go of my codie ways for others, but not myself. I was forcing my old rules still as harshly as ever on ME. Because I am supposed to be perfect and omniscient. Gods are not vulnerable. In my own internal life, I am still operating like I am an unforgiving god towards myself. Quite imperious and dismissive of anything positive being just a fluke.

And as for the banter, it is pretty muted at counseling. I intellectualize stuff and I told him I had realized it and it should be my middle name. He just nodded, "So you know about that." Great. Thanks for not letting me in that defense mechanism! I am not really that talkative. I can write much faster than I can figure this stuff out verbally. BUT Hammer's video is still me! Instead of asking questions, I have a snarky chuckle with a wave of dismissal he has called me out on. He says, What does that mean? And I pause and say, what? That little wave of mine dismisses my ANGER and protects my emotional wall. I am going to watch the video again and laugh until I cry because that is like a comical version of my emotional blockade.

LifeRecovery

Codejob-

I just want to say as this has been up for me recently (anger that is), that when I did finally get mad at my therapist....she applauded and clapped for me and told me she was glad.

I don't know what I was mad at with her, but just having the feelings of being mad at someone was a step forward.

I have known for a long time how great she is, but this just concluded it that much more.

We did talk about transference and countertransference as part of that discussion....and it was helpful for me.

It was also a jumping off point for how anger works for so many people.....

In other words for me this was all a part of the theraputic process.

CodeJob

Thanks For sharing Liferecovery! Yes I wrote an email to Mr.T asking questions about my anger and how I handle anger - then I somehow lost it! Yesterday I lost a message on my iPad when the guest wifi timed out. Today I knocked my keyboard and bye bye email.

Heck. But then I realized anger was a lot clearer in my mind. So it was totally worth writing. I still can't set the fuse, but I am not so anxious to have it fizzing.

CodeJob

Oh. I am controlling of even this relationship. Do not feel safe.

This morning I wake up remembering how I used to hate the color black. Would not wear it until I was 17. I would freak on it and just declare black was nothingness. And when we bought our house we just painted everything a near white. When I finally started to break the monotony, I would only paint one wall as accent color and it was merely different shades of blue. I got joshed about it and all I could say was I liked blue. I finally accepted red in my house as an accent color in just the last few years. But it took me even longer to put color in the MBR. I just painted that recently and I struggled to put color on all 4 walls. I like it, but in general I don't like to be saturated with color.. It overwhelms me. So poor orange called me out- but I have reacted to black and red just as strongly.

jacrazz

Good idea. I would never see a male therapist. Me personally, would rather talk to a woman...It sounds silly I'm sure but I feel I can better relate. I'm so much like Madea, I didn't know wether to laugh or cry!