Worried0810

Yesterday, I talked to XABF. He insisted that he would pay me back ASAP, that I could take whatever I wanted and we would sort bills out etc. Then we started talking about the relationship. He said he loves me, misses me and wants me to come back. He never once said that he would stop drinking. He said that I can stay with my dad for a week, calm down and come back and we can be a couple again. I don't know how I did it, but I said no. This is with tears streaming down my face and a massive part of me telling me to do just give in. I told him that this wasn't easy and I feel like s**t and he said to me, "Remember it's you who walked out." I explained why I walked out and he told me that it was always me who had the problem, I was always the one starting the arguments, that I was playing songs about money in the car to spite him (I wasn't, I don't even know what songs he is referring to).This tells me that I did the right thing. But then he hugged me and told me that he doesn't want to lose me, that we should be together etc. That makes me want to go back.
I'm not going back to him though. There was a couple more beer bottles than when I went a couple of days ago. This is his routine you see. He drinks 2-3 beers a night (not every night, but most nights) and on the weekend, he increases it to 8-10 beers plus anything else he has. He offered meekly once to reduce his beer intake, but without any real conviction. He wouldn't do it because he doesn't think he has a problem.
I also found out that while he was on his working holiday, he admitted to drinking 3-4 beers through the day while he worked. He's working on his own land so no chance of getting fired! But then he was having more at night so I am estimating at least 6 beers a day. He admitted to getting drunk once but I know that there's more occasions.
I still feel horrible though. He assured me yesterday that he would be fine, he has some thinking to do about his life (not his drinking though) but would find a roommate for the spare room. He told me that while I had places to go (I'm staying with my dad at the moment), he has nowhere. He does have friends that he can go to but he said he doesn't want to go them.
I realise now why no contact is good. While I was talking to him, I didn't feel that pull that I had had ever since I left, but afterwards I felt awful. I know I will have to see him once more to organise a few things but after that, I will have to stay away. My resolve was hanging by a thread when I left yesterday. I am hurting a lot but part of me feels like I don't deserve to because it was me who left.
But I wonder why he wants me back? Is it because he does love me or is it for the easy lifestyle? I did all the housework apart from the dishes (his chore), sorted everything for us and did food shopping. I wanted to do that to give us a nice life together. He is not really fighting for me at all. He has phoned once, texted a reply to the note I left and that was it. It only seems he is willing to fight for me if I go to him.
Part of me is wondering why I am doing this. Why have I left? Even though I know it will get better, I can't see anything good at the moment. I see no reward for my fighting and pain.
For those who left, how did you get through this pain? I feel like I have brought it all upon myself, that I am to blame for everything.

CodeJob

Hi Worried,

Take care of you. He is only going to get worse.

Hugs!

redatlanta

Here is why…..and these are your own words from your posts…..

- I am neglected
- I am lonely
- When I was sick my bf insisted I drive him to a pub
- He gets tired from partying and calls into work even though he owes me money
- I feel pushed aside for alcohol
- I sleep 4 hours a night then come home from work and clean the house and cook dinner. He takes a nap.
- He takes drugs
- He embarrassed me at a birthday party because he was drunk and high on drugs
- To avoid arguments I drive my BF to get beer
- I always have to drive because he drinks
- He lies
- When he found his furniture rearranged he went psycho and started throwing things and breaking things
- He blows off plans we have because "he bumped into somebody" and ended up spending the evening with them instead of me
- He insults me
- He ignores me
- He denies problems with alcohol
- While having sex with him after he spent the evening getting beer and disappearing talking to some woman, he was intoxicated and unable to perform then blamed me. Subsequently he spent the evening in the bathroom throwing up while I laid in bed and cried.
- He is not really fighting for me at all
- I did all the housework, sorted everything and did the food shopping.

Not a pretty picture. This is why you have left. BTW it will NOT get better. It will only get worse.

Hugs to you - stay strong.

Worried0810

Thanks I'm going to print that off and put it next to me so when I feel bad, I can look at it and remind myself. I saw him again today to get everything sorted and move more stuff out. It was really hard and I think it has hit him that it is over. The look on his face broke my heart all over again, and I wanted to make it all better. I am getting the rest of my stuff tomorrow and sorting out bills etc and I will have moved out completely. To be honest, it just makes me even more upset and depressed.

hopeful4

I understand. I will never forget the shock I experienced when I found out my XAH had been drinking....at work. A whole new low.

Stay strong.

XXX

mdkathy62

Hi Worried0810,

Thank you for sharing. I used to go with my xabf to AA (the few months he was sober) and something I heard in there stuck with me - that alcoholics are addicted to alcohol as much as we are addicted to them. I started to view my relationship at the time in that fashion. I knew I shouldn't be with him. I knew I shouldn't go driving around at night looking for a grown man. I knew I shouldn't be paying for everything. I knew I shouldn't be paying his rent. I knew I shouldn't be waking him up to go to work. I knew I shouldn't be reminding him to shower. BUT I did anyway. Similarly, they know, to a degree, that alcohol causes them to do a number of things they are not proud of, but they drink anyway.

Why does he want you back? It's similar to how we get urges to leave them. We want to do the "right" thing, what we know is best. They make promises to change and make things work as much as we try to convince ourselves to get up and leave.

When I got up and left, I can't say it was easy. I took it one day at a time. I would occasionally find reasons to make detours on my way home from somewhere to drive by where he was staying (his parents house) to see his car. Why? I have no idea. Something about seeing his car assured me that he was ok. He was not in jail. I really had to cut back on those urges. Rather than talking myself through it, I had to forcibly make sure I drove straight home because if I sat there and listened to myself reason in my head as to why I should drive around looking for him, I would have driven there. Sometimes you just have to do it and not think or go through the reasons.

Like in AA, they said, if you are ever thinking about whether or not you should come to AA today, just go and think about it later so whenever I thought to myself: should I contact him, should I drive near his job, etc. - I would turn my phone off, go to sleep, or drive straight home and think about it later. Sure enough, when later came, that urge had subsided. Work it a day at a time. Heck, a minute at a time. It is not easy, but if you stick with it and push yourself, it will get better. I promise.

NWGRITS

Addicts should have their own version of the Oscars, cause man, they can act. Of course he's going to cry and tell you he misses you, that you should come back. If you leave, it'll take him a few days to find a new enabler, and until then, who's going to drive him to get more beer?

Worried0810

Thank you all for your words of support. I've been really depressed and doubtful since I left. My friend from work said that this is the lowest she has seen me ever.
After I left, he text me apologising and that he would pay me ASAP. Since then, I've had doubts as to whether I'm doing the right thing. I still love him, and I know I am doing the right thing for me by leaving so I don't know if I'm just feeling guilty or not.
I really miss him. Not the alcoholic side of course, but the man who used to hold me, say he loved, the man that I had breakfast with, who used to bring home little treats for me. I miss him.
Everyone around me keeps saying negative things and that they're happy that I've left. But when they keep saying these things, it makes me feel worse. I don't hate him (not yet but I'm told that that is an emotion I will experience) and I don't want people to hate him.
I just feel really low. I keep thinking about how to make it better for him when I should be focusing on myself. I keep thinking about that look on his face. I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and stay underneath my bed covers forever.
Does anyone have any tips on how to feel better? Today was definitely the hardest day so far :'(

FeelingGreat

You can't turn off feelings of love like a tap, but you will get some perspective on the relationship soon. Just tell yourself this is something you have to go through to get to the other side - a healthy life. In the meanwhile, doing little things to help others or get yourself out there will help a lot, even if they don't seem to at the time.

Worried0810

He keeps contacting me and that's just making so much harder too. I need to keep reminding myself that it's the right thing even though I feel like a pile of crap

FeelingGreat

Better to go non-contact again Worried. It's a common pattern for abusers to try and lure someone back, but once they cave, nothing changes.
At the moment you're like a challenge to him, and he's probably counting on you falling for his lies again. Do yourself a favour and block him.

readerbaby71

Yep, this is why you left. There's a better life waiting for you! Hugs.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics always cling to enablers ... it frees their lives so there's more time for drinking. Going it alone they might have to be responsible or cut back to survive. It's just the psychology of alcoholism.

involved

11 lessons on the breaking healing of the heart...I "like" positively positive on FB and this was awesome

11 Lessons in the Breaking + Healing of a Heart « Positively Positive

Refiner

Here's what stood out to me:

You were a convenient roommate. Sorry that he cares less for you than you do for him. Stay strong and make a life for yourself.