Thinking

It's nearly six weeks now since my ABF died from total organ failure. Watching him die and the dramas of the months before he died were very hard to go through. I've started to calm down now though I'm still not sleeping well. I go through anger at him for doing this to both of us and sorrow because I miss the relationship we had. I feel like because it 'wasn't fair' that I should be able to go out tomorrow and get a new life for myself and I resent the fact that I'm grieving for him. Has anyone else been through this and how did you move on?

Butterfly

I'm sorry you are going through this and sorry for your loss. There are different stages of loss and anger is one of them. I think it is normal for you to feel anger and feelings of sorrow at the loss of your ABF.

You are grieving take each day and slowly you will begin to feel better but it takes time. Are you speaking to a counsellor they would be able to help you work through your feelings and emotions.

I wish you peace

CodeJob

Thinking, you are not only grieving for what was - but perhaps the loss of what could have been too? I think your thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal.

The most eloquent book I have read about grief is Didion's Year of Magical Thinking. Her prose to me rang true.

Thinking

Thank you for your advice, Confused. I did see a counsellor for a couple of sessions but I don't really have anything to say when I get there. It's like 'he died and I'm sad'. Everyone has sympathy for me but what else is there to say.

Butterfly

You also said you felt angry and resentment it might be useful to explore why you feel this way. Are you angry with him? His addiction was his addiction the reason for him passing? What about how his addiction impacted on you? It's not always easy to speak to a counsellor someone you don't know. Do you have friends and family who support you??

There may be a lot for you to figure out for yourself and it is still early days and six weeks is too early to worry about a new life recovery takes time and sometimes it's one minute at a time and getting through that minute is a success. Allow yourself time don't rush yourself into a new life take time to understand how you feel and how the relationship made you feel. Living with an alcoholic is emotionally draining and our focus tends to revolve around them and we neglect ourselves. Also do things for yourself go for a walk read a book rediscover who you are without addiction in your life

I would encourage you to read all you can on addiction and keep seeking help here there are some wonderful people who have a wealth of experience on recovery.

Look after you for a change

shil2587

I don't have anything to say to help, practically. But I wanted to let you know I thinking of you today, your story rings true to me in the sense of loss you are feeling and with that, I can empathise somewhat. Something that I am sure other posters will tell you, as they told me, is that sometimes all you really need is to let yourself feel it without condemning or questioning yourself, for now. It's ok to feel angry/hurt/lonely/whatever you need to feel.

For now, maybe just focus on doing small things that are just for you, until you are ready to look at things in more depth or resolve issues that might come up for you. Give yourself the gift of time.

Thinking

Thank you all so much. I didn't realise that my bf was an alcoholic until a few months before he died. He was hospitalised and it all came out. I still feel bewildered by how I went from a happy relationship with a man who loved me and made great efforts to make my life as good as he could to where I am now. I only saw him drunk twice and it didn't seem a big deal. Once he got sick then he struggled and his moods would change. He walked out on me and didn't reply for a few weeks. Then he came back and there were apologies and he made arrangements to go into a clinic. Sadly though he died before a place became free for him. I feel amazed that I just didn't see his drinking. How could I live with him and not know? And yes, I am angry with him for drinking himself to death. I can't decide if I should be sorry for him that addiction had such a grip or angry that he didn't try to stop until it was too late.

It's not that I want a new life now. I don't feel ready for one. It's just that I'm angry that I'm here grieving instead of being happy and I don't know whether to be angry at me or him for that.

Florence

Oh gosh, this is terrible. I would be so angry and confused.

Alcoholism is a terrible and baffling disease, and I feel like both of those words were chosen carefully by someone who knew it all too well. Terrible. Baffling. Heart-breaking.

I didn't see my STBXAH's drinking either until it was so bad he couldn't hide it any longer. He worked hard to make sure I didn't need to investigate anything, and I cluelessly went about my life, including drinking with him because why wouldn't I, while he was spiraling downward.

LifeRecovery

I did a great book/process that helped a lot. It was offered as a program through the one of the local Hospice programs where I live.

It was such a big help for me to understand the grief cycle, that it was a cycle and that anger was a part of it.

I will get you the name of the book that went with the program when I get a chance.

I just want to normalize that I think what you are experiencing is so very normal.

Thinking

I really appreciate all your messages. Talking with you is helping me to put words to my feelings. I've just felt so much emotion and at the same time I'm going through the motions of every day life. It's the strangest situation. I keep feeling as if I'm making a huge fuss and I should stop being a drama queen. I think I will try again with a counsellor. Maybe this time I'll be more able to work through.